Saturday, August 18, 2012

Day 44 : Fear of Light – Hide in dark

                 In my young ages, I liked to hide in dark, I liked to hide in my bed, it was the one which could be opened and I move myself inside, with blanket as the cover of opened side of the bed, or sometimes I even closed the bed and I just let tiny whole there to be able to breathe inside.

                It was for me the place I like to be in, there was dark and I was within and as this dark, I felt secured, I felt be ok with me. I liked the darkness and I liked the dark, as what I saw through light mostly I didn’t liked.

                I can say, I didn’t liked how our family functioned, I didn’t liked school system, and I didn’t liked play out of the friendships, as always interactions with anybody brings always various conflicts, various misunderstandings, and questions and questions rising within and as me, from my childhood but no answers, nowhere valid answers.

                I asked and I tried to communicate in my life with everybody, and always this led to misunderstandings, I saw that here is something wrong, I never could explain to me what I see as wrong at this place.

                I saw the people around me, and I saw something is wrong but I was not able to see what it is.  Thus I start to hide within me, I start to hide in front of others, I started to suppress myself as I didn’t wanted to be confronted with others, as I never liked conflicts, conflicts was for me always like traumas, even tiny ones, thus I created within and as me the character as persona as funny guy, as protection from others, as protection to be harmed, I started to love jokes, and I became the one who always make others to laugh, as I had tons of jokes prepared always, I was the one who was creating the fun for others, but all this fun was fake.

                All the fun and jokes, presented within and as me, was just my funny character, it was not who I really am, it was not me living, it was just me making others to laugh to cover deep sadness within me. This sadness, I tried to uncover many many times, without success to see what it is, why this sadness is part of me, why and what I see.

                This sadness, is coming from that what I see through light, what I see we do to each other, what I see how we live, that we do not live. No one of us, no one of us is really enjoying the life, no one is here and no one is honest. Everything which is built and everything what has been done, was just for sake of abuse, manipulation, rape, ego, and as a young boy as I saw that what it here, and how people function and how the interaction between people is going, I started to simply fear to see it.

                I do not wanted to see what is going on here, I do not wanted to be part of this, I even do no understand why I have to be here, if this place is simply terrific. Yes, living on this planet is horror and what have been allowed and accepted towards life is beyond any measure, it is beyond any imagination, it is beyond any justification and any excuse.

                Millennia over millennia the Man is abusing life, the Man is killing life, Man is dishonoring life, Man is raping life, Man is lying, Man is hiding, Man is making slaves even not noticing that the Man is slave, Man is divided and split, Man is in never ending cycle between polarities, Man is in constant judgment, Man is in deluded, Man believe in zillions of gods and angels, Man live the illusion and the Man call this illusion life and dare to claim that the Man is god.

                There is no good Man in this place and there is no goodness at all. Have a look. Have a look what is going on this planet, maybe you will see.

                You can put all horror movies together which mankind created already, and still it will be just nothing if we compare what mankind allowed to be done towards the life which is here.

                And I didn’t wanted be part of this, and I didn’t wanted to see that I am also the one who is responsible for everything which is here, thus I started to fear the light and the darkness was my companion. Because within and as darkness I do not had to look on what is going on here, thus in my life I started to enjoy places where the darkness was, I liked to live in the dark and sleep during the day, sometimes I wanted to simply sleep forever, or simply go somewhere else, but where I should go? It is no place where to hide, it is no place where to go, everything is still here.

                But thanks to light I can’t deny what I see, thanks to light I can’t run away, but thanks to light I can’t ignore what we as mankind are doing to each other.

                It is not acceptable to continue this way. Simply, it is not acceptable. Mankind has to awake from the dream which mankind is living – and this dream is called – MIND.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as fear to see what is going on here on this planet and what we as humanity is collectively accepting and allowing to live I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as point of fear to see that I am responsible for that what is here and that I am part of this all and that I am part of mankind and thus it is my responsibility to awake myself from the mind and help and support others to awake to stop torturing the life and abusing the life thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not want to take responsibility to show others what has been allowed and accepted and just rather remain hidden in the darkness of myself where I do not have to see what is going on here and how we as humanity are blind to each other and deaf to each other as we live each one of us in own self created bubble of our minds full of deception, lies, manipulation made of ideas and believes about ourselves and thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create for myself ideas and believes about me and life to do not have to see and realize what I am living and what I am accepting towards myself and towards others where I lived as ego as separated entity within and as my mind ignoring the most prominent fact here which is that life has been hijacked, that life has been abused by man to utmost degree possible and that I am responsible to show and reveal everything what has been done to awake myself and others to stop this madness which we are living here on earth.

Thanks, Juraj 

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