Due to the various points in my
past when I had some schedule for a day and thus I had to wake up to be on time
at certain places, I developed within me quite amount of fear that I will not
be able to wake up and thus meet the schedule I had to.
When I started to going to
school, it was the first times this fear emerged as fear of consequences when I
will not came to school on time, fear of parents and their reactions and fear
of teacher and their reaction on me being late to school, and therefore
consequences of being late as being punished various way in front of my parents
and in front of school system.
This continues within me whole
my life, where the alarm clocks have to be in place to be able to wake up,
after some period I was simply not be able to even wake up after clock start to
ring, thus I started to use two different alarm clocks, one scheduled at one
time and second at different one, both alarm clock set up with function of
repeating the ringing, both alarms at two different places to make me to do
some action to stop them when I wake up and thus make me to awake.
This fear is always triggered within
the point that next day I will have to wake up till certain time, otherwise I am
fucked and thus when I oversleep this time I am fucked and have to solve
consequences of this oversleeping, which basically happened to me so many
times, and by paradox I never wanted to create them, in my life, I was so many
times asked why I came late, and always I had to repeat different points why I am
late, especially to school or to work, mostly just few minutes, thus this means
what makes me to finally to come to decision to wake up from bed and move
myself is fear of consequences of being late.
Sometimes, when I forgot to set
up alarms for morning, at my surprise I woke up immediately at the morning,
without any resistance within me, completely fresh, awaken and fresh all my
day. I noticed, when I wake up with the breath, whole my day is simply
different in comparison of when I wake up within and as through the mind as
fear, when at the morning even thought came up, just next five minutes, I always
see that within that I am fucked because I am making my waking up as process
and thus whole my day is from this perspective fucked, really fucked.
I can say, I am bit pissed off
about it, as this oversleeping serve me for nothing, never ending story of
repeating the same shit. Many times, I even fear to go to sleep.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep with fear that
I will not wake up on time at the morning and with fear that I will sleep more
than 6 hours.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep with fear that
when I will not wake up till certain time thus I will be punished in front of
system thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear
to go sleep as fear that I will not wake up.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go sleep where
this going to sleep is perceived as losing myself thus I forgive myself that I have
allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go to sleep as fear of dying as fear
that I will die when I go sleep and that I will not wake up thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear sleeping and to fear
to go sleep as perception of myself of dying and not being here thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as
perception that when I sleep I do not know where I am or who I am thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as
fear that I will die and not longer awake from sleeping.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear sleeping as not
having power over me as point of decision when and how I will wake up thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as
point of not being in power and in charge of myself, instead of realizing that
sleeping is just process which my body require to rest and function within the
world and thus I have to allow myself to go sleep and rest as relax for my physical
body where my body requires this rest because I am using the body whole day as
the mind and thus physical need this rest from me as the mind where I am not
equal and one with my body and directing myself within system as one but just
as a parasite as a mind where I use my body as a tool for getting what I want
as energy as and energy addict where my movements are according the memories of
me as the mind as pictures as relationships between pictures stored within and
as me and energy connections to this pictures where I build of this pictures
whole schema of myself as characters as personas where I perceive and think
this characters and personas are me, instead of realizing that this is all hoax
I am allowing and accepting for myself to live in, thus I forgive myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up at the morning as a persona and
character of myself within and as my mind where I activate all my memories
stored within my physical body as flesh as memories of my life as memories of
my past which is not here anymore thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to create myself and move myself according memories of my
past where the fear is the trigger point of my waking up thus I forgive myself
that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up as memory activator at
the morning where I need to access the memories from my past as schema of consequences
when I will not wake up thus fear those consequences and thus I forgive myself
that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up just only in sake of fear
when I generate within me enough fear at the morning to make myself to move and
wake up and move myself from bed as fear of consequences I will create if I will
not wake up and oversleep the certain time I need to go out from bed.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will not wake
up at the morning because of perception that I have no power over me when and
how I can wake up from state of sleeping, thus I forgive myself that I have
allowed and accepted to myself to give my power over me to my mind and let mind
to decide when I can wake up instead of realizing that my physical body is
still just in the bed and resting thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior towards my mind and thus that
mind is more then me because I do not know how to wake up from the state of
sleeping thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to
forget how to wake up within and as my breath when my body is rested and
relaxed and just move myself out of bed within moment as breath as my body
equal and one, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to think and believe that I have to use alarm clocks to remind me when is time
to wake up instead of being equal and one with my body and wake up when my body
is rested and refreshed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted
to myself to fear that when I will sleep less then 6 hours I will not be rested
properly and that my body will be tires instead of realizing and seeing that
just only mind will not be rested and replenished and I am not the mind but my
body resting in the bed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted
to myself to think and believe that tiredness of the mind where I perceive this
tiredness within and as my head is tiredness of me instead of realizing and
seeing that it is not real just feeling in the head of the mind where mind is
not replenished successfully and thus wanting to make me sleep more.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will not be able
to wake up at the morning without accessing the memories of my past and generating
the energy as fear to make myself to move out of bed and wake up thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that
without energy I will not be able to wake up instead of seeing and realizing
that this is of the mind and I am not the mind as I am the physical body and this
body do not need to fear to wake up and do not need the energy to wake up thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make my waking up
as process of generating fear through and as the mind to make myself move out
of bed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake
up within and as fear as energy requirement to move as mind and directing my
world within and as fear and thus living the day in fear as starting point of
my waking up is fear of consequences when I will not wake up thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to based my living and
participating in this world on fear and as fear and doing that where fear is generated
thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to existing
just only as a generator of fear and moving myself due to the memories where
and how fear can be generated and thus direct myself to the points within my
world where the fear as energy can be replenished and stored and define myself
to this energy as addict of living based on energy as fear thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to access and trigger within
my world the points and places where the fear can be generated, thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in constant search
for generating the fear within and as me and thus live as zombie in fear and
moving myself just because of fear where self movement is forgotten thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget what and
how I can move myself without the fear and without the energy as fear I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget what it is to live
without the fear but rather needs and require this fear to moves me thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let mind direct me
within and as energy as fear and not standing up for myself as my physical body
where no fear is required to move myself equal and one with the flesh as
physical as breath as who I really am.
Thanks,
Juraj
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