Day 128 : Eye movement – programming of self

                I realized interesting point, that within my eye movement, I can see what my program is, how I look and see the world outside, what are the points I seek and look one, how I move with my eyes, how often I blink with me eyes, which pictures I see with my eyes, how I search for energy through eyes.

                Interestingly, mind utilize eyes each moment of movement, just question is, is this eye movement automatic? If yes, observe just for a while, how you move with your eyes and why, what true reason of this movement is, place questions for this movements, search and seek why you move with your eyes the way you do.

                Within this, you will see the polarity play-out, when and how often you are inferior or superior, what the likeness as what you like is, and what not, within the eyes and movements of eyes you can find many points, to be able to see and realize how you programmed yourself.

                The school, is one of the strongest point, and education system for this eye movements, as getting information into and as mind as the reading has been utilized to receive knowledge and thus provide to the mind what mind requires, knowledge and information of this world, but after all, everything is in place to keep humans enslaved, trapped, and to conform the rules of society and never place question towards the points which has been read.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see, that education system of this world is in place to program myself through information and knowledge to keep me as the mind busy, and do not question information in front of me, and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to receive, store and get information as knowledge from the books in the school and do not question this information.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 43 : Fear of fears

                 The best cover to do not look and find my own fears and remain locked within and as mind is simply to fear my own fears.

                I can “feel” this fear within and as me, I live this fear I do not want look on, I do not want to see into me as this one fear which I can find can shock me, I see it but do not want to see it at the same moment, always I am doing anything else just for sake to do not look directly on this fear, I covered this fear and I suppressed it and I let myself to be directed by this fear as building pillar of other fears.

                 I rather look on anything else within me, I rather look and try to solve any other point within and as me, just for sake to not to have to touch this ultimate fear I live.

                I would rather speak hours, write hours, do anything and everything, just please do not allow myself to look directly what I live as this fear which permeates my body, it is everywhere within and as me, this fear, my precious fear I live, my darling, my definition, my prison, my suppression, my hiding, my not carrying, my mind, my mind consist of and is made of fear, my mind requires this fear as how I will live when I will give up this fear?

                Who I will be and how I will live? What I will live then when I will not live my precious fear? Did I defined and limited myself towards this fear, I placed myself inferior towards this fear, I allowed to be slave of this fear, I allowed to follow this fear, I allowed to speak through this fear and I allowed to look within and as this fear, everything I consist of is this fear that’s the reason I do not want to see directly, to uncover the “walls” of covers built up on this fear.

                The characters, the personas, the language, the movement, and at least – my breath is ingrained with this fear. This fear is massive, so massive that I started to fear this fear as it would be probably better to fear it and thus do not have to look on it and resolve and let it go. As the fear of fear provides my false security, false illusion and perception, that I can handle it, that I can live with it, that I can call this – living – Life – it is not so.

                The fear I am speaking about, is fear of love. I ultimately fear to love myself unconditionally, I fear to break through this fear and experience myself as expression of love as love, as this experience was so amazing that I frightened myself, I believe I am not worthy to experience innocence of love as love as me as I placed myself as not worthy to love myself and experience myself without the prison of the mind, as the mind is my security where I can remain within and as my fear and not to step forth and break the chains I created for myself.

                But, I see it. Thus – it is simple – Break the chains I live.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to look into me as me on my own fears I live.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to look into me and be intimate with me and see and realize for myself what I have allowed and accepted to myself to live, express within and as mind as fear as fear of myself as fear of oneness and fear of equality of me as expression of love through separation myself from myself within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to look into me and see what I have allowed and accepted to myself to live, where this living I perceived as life instead of realizing that it is not life but dying and waiting on my death where after death I will apparently not have to live within and as this fear of love and thus waiting for my death where possibly I will be finally free from my own fear not realizing and not seeing that it is me who created this fears and imprisoned myself into and as this fears and not seeing and realizing that it is me who to dare to call living the fears the life thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to see and realize that what I fear is fear of love, fear to love myself within and as me as life, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I am not worthy to experience and express myself within and as principle of equality and oneness as love where everything and everyone is considered equality where I allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from myself within and as my mind to give myself the chance to live my “life” according patterns I saw in my parents, according words of my parents and according fears of my parents where I copied this fears and allowed and accepted myself to became me, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became the fear and live the fear as me, to think and believe that this fear is my life and thus fear everything and everyone else in false perception of life and living thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as inferior and give permission my mind to direct myself through my own allowance and acceptance of living within and as fear of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear myself and to place myself as inferior and not worthy enough to live life as who I really am here as breath, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my breath as life and to fear that I am the breath of life because when I will realize that I am breath of life it means that I realize that I am equal and one with others within and as principle of equality and oneness thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to realize that I am equal and one with anything which exist and consist of matter as matter is that what is real here, thus I I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to realize that who I really am is matter and not the mind where I placed myself inferior towards the mind and let my mind to direct my life and my living, my speech, my actions, my movements within and as fear of myself thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to stand up within and as me for myself and see and realize that fear is just illusion created by me to not stand up for myself and express myself within and as my breath of life here, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear me to breathe and fear to be here with myself within and as existence thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to consider my physical body equally, each particle and each molecule and each cell, everything which my body consist of as physical and thus love myself equally as each parts of me which I consist of.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 40 : Fear of oversleep - Fear rules

                 Due to the various points in my past when I had some schedule for a day and thus I had to wake up to be on time at certain places, I developed within me quite amount of fear that I will not be able to wake up and thus meet the schedule I had to.

                When I started to going to school, it was the first times this fear emerged as fear of consequences when I will not came to school on time, fear of parents and their reactions and fear of teacher and their reaction on me being late to school, and therefore consequences of being late as being punished various way in front of my parents and in front of school system.

                This continues within me whole my life, where the alarm clocks have to be in place to be able to wake up, after some period I was simply not be able to even wake up after clock start to ring, thus I started to use two different alarm clocks, one scheduled at one time and second at different one, both alarm clock set up with function of repeating the ringing, both alarms at two different places to make me to do some action to stop them when I wake up and thus make me to awake.

                This fear is always triggered within the point that next day I will have to wake up till certain time, otherwise I am fucked and thus when I oversleep this time I am fucked and have to solve consequences of this oversleeping, which basically happened to me so many times, and by paradox I never wanted to create them, in my life, I was so many times asked why I came late, and always I had to repeat different points why I am late, especially to school or to work, mostly just few minutes, thus this means what makes me to finally to come to decision to wake up from bed and move myself is fear of consequences of being late.

                Sometimes, when I forgot to set up alarms for morning, at my surprise I woke up immediately at the morning, without any resistance within me, completely fresh, awaken and fresh all my day. I noticed, when I wake up with the breath, whole my day is simply different in comparison of when I wake up within and as through the mind as fear, when at the morning even thought came up, just next five minutes, I always see that within that I am fucked because I am making my waking up as process and thus whole my day is from this perspective fucked, really fucked.

                I can say, I am bit pissed off about it, as this oversleeping serve me for nothing, never ending story of repeating the same shit. Many times, I even fear to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep with fear that I will not wake up on time at the morning and with fear that I will sleep more than 6 hours.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep with fear that when I will not wake up till certain time thus I will be punished in front of system thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go sleep as fear that I will not wake up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go sleep where this going to sleep is perceived as losing myself thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go to sleep as fear of dying as fear that I will die when I go sleep and that I will not wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear sleeping and to fear to go sleep as perception of myself of dying and not being here thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as perception that when I sleep I do not know where I am or who I am thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as fear that I will die and not longer awake from sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear sleeping as not having power over me as point of decision when and how I will wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as point of not being in power and in charge of myself, instead of realizing that sleeping is just process which my body require to rest and function within the world and thus I have to allow myself to go sleep and rest as relax for my physical body where my body requires this rest because I am using the body whole day as the mind and thus physical need this rest from me as the mind where I am not equal and one with my body and directing myself within system as one but just as a parasite as a mind where I use my body as a tool for getting what I want as energy as and energy addict where my movements are according the memories of me as the mind as pictures as relationships between pictures stored within and as me and energy connections to this pictures where I build of this pictures whole schema of myself as characters as personas where I perceive and think this characters and personas are me, instead of realizing that this is all hoax I am allowing and accepting for myself to live in, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up at the morning as a persona and character of myself within and as my mind where I activate all my memories stored within my physical body as flesh as memories of my life as memories of my past which is not here anymore thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create myself and move myself according memories of my past where the fear is the trigger point of my waking up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up as memory activator at the morning where I need to access the memories from my past as schema of consequences when I will not wake up thus fear those consequences and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up just only in sake of fear when I generate within me enough fear at the morning to make myself to move and wake up and move myself from bed as fear of consequences I will create if I will not wake up and oversleep the certain time I need to go out from bed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will not wake up at the morning because of perception that I have no power over me when and how I can wake up from state of sleeping, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power over me to my mind and let mind to decide when I can wake up instead of realizing that my physical body is still just in the bed and resting thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior towards my mind and thus that mind is more then me because I do not know how to wake up from the state of sleeping thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget how to wake up within and as my breath when my body is rested and relaxed and just move myself out of bed within moment as breath as my body equal and one, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to use alarm clocks to remind me when is time to wake up instead of being equal and one with my body and wake up when my body is rested and refreshed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that when I will sleep less then 6 hours I will not be rested properly and that my body will be tires instead of realizing and seeing that just only mind will not be rested and replenished and I am not the mind but my body resting in the bed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that tiredness of the mind where I perceive this tiredness within and as my head is tiredness of me instead of realizing and seeing that it is not real just feeling in the head of the mind where mind is not replenished successfully and thus wanting to make me sleep more.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will not be able to wake up at the morning without accessing the memories of my past and generating the energy as fear to make myself to move out of bed and wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that without energy I will not be able to wake up instead of seeing and realizing that this is of the mind and I am not the mind as I am the physical body and this body do not need to fear to wake up and do not need the energy to wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make my waking up as process of generating fear through and as the mind to make myself move out of bed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up within and as fear as energy requirement to move as mind and directing my world within and as fear and thus living the day in fear as starting point of my waking up is fear of consequences when I will not wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to based my living and participating in this world on fear and as fear and doing that where fear is generated thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to existing just only as a generator of fear and moving myself due to the memories where and how fear can be generated and thus direct myself to the points within my world where the fear as energy can be replenished and stored and define myself to this energy as addict of living based on energy as fear thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to access and trigger within my world the points and places where the fear can be generated, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in constant search for generating the fear within and as me and thus live as zombie in fear and moving myself just because of fear where self movement is forgotten thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget what and how I can move myself without the fear and without the energy as fear I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget what it is to live without the fear but rather needs and require this fear to moves me thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let mind direct me within and as energy as fear and not standing up for myself as my physical body where no fear is required to move myself equal and one with the flesh as physical as breath as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj

Family as foundation for back chat

                I was inferior in front of my parents, and I took them as authority which has the right to speak what they speak and behave how they behaved. I trusted them.

                There was a moments I wanted to hide in front of them, run away, to fight, to say them what is inside me, to ask them the questions, to show them what they are doing, but I didn’t because of fear and possible consequences.

                I solved it within me in my backchat, there was a moments I was crying within me, suppressing what going on, but pretending I am fine, but thinking how I will behave and what I will do against them when I will grow up and they will have no power over me.

                My older siblings tried to take over me and grow up me on their image, I hated it and fought intensively against them, when I was not strong enough, similar backchats takes place within me, with projections and desires how I will show them when I will grow up that they have no power over me and that they can no longer to push on me to behave like they would like.

                I didn’t understood why they do what they do, because I didn’t, I took them as equal to me as my siblings, but over some time this equality within me has been destroyed, after extensive pushing and fighting, there was no more equality within me, and I started to look on them as abusers, so my abuse has been born.

                It is no more here, it is gone.

    I will no more allow to be abused, nor to abuse someone else.

Thanks, Juraj