Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day 51 : Inferiority – Revenge of the EGO – Part 5


                Within a lot of different situations in my life, when I “felt” to be hurt, hurt as a EGO as only EGO can be hurt, or attacked, or abused, or used, or everything which hit me within me, I wanted to revenge to persona whom directed this points on me, as I took it personal.

                The revenge of the EGO, as me, I wanted to direct back towards such persona, to show them, that they will not fuck up with me, to show them who I am as EGO, who I am and what I am capable of, how much I can hurt them back, how much I can harm them, to scare them, but by paradox, I never did.

                It was always in my mind, the thoughts how I can direct things back on them, the constructions of situations, what I can use on my advantage, how I can make them less than me because in the moment I felt hurt I was less than them, as I placed myself in such way.

                Interestingly, EGO, and existence as EGO, is inferiority, but acting out seems to be very dominant, secure, strong, powerful, and it is just polarity, where one as EGO as energy fluctuations within are not understood thus acting out is direct opposite.

                And thus acting as ego is interesting, where inferiority wants to be replaced by superiority, but it is still the same, just perception is changed according such events, where self move from point of being inferior to point of being superior, not seeing that how fucked it is, not realizing how irrelevant, selfish, illusionary such acting is, as it has nothing to do with real situation as EGO is blind, EGO do not see a shit as it is impossible, as EGO is limitation to such degree, that one can have open eyes, but is blind.

                When and as my mind, I wanted to act the way against people as revenge of the EGO, and I didn’t, thus over time, which was from 1 day to weeks, I always realized how “stupid” such acting is, how useless mess EGO create, how I can involve myself to extreme bullshits.

                Revenge, is separation, revenge is judgment, revenge is blindness, revenge is desire to kill oneself in separation from self, revenge is not valuing self, revenge is not valuing life.

                Revenge is fear, fear is illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to act as revenge of the EGO towards myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that Ego as me is insecurity, anger and fear and thus when I wanted act such way I was insecure, fearful, and angry towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the thoughts as “ I’ll show him” I’ll show her” “ they will not fuck up with me” “ they are assholes” “I’ll strike back” “ I’ will destroy him/her” “ I’ll make them less” “ I will do this or that”  not seeing and realizing that such type of thoughts comes from my own insecurity, my own inferiority, my own fear, my own anger towards me where I exist in separation from myself and thus want to direct towards myself the opposite of my experience and thus make from myself more and superior to balance myself instead of realizing that my balance is my breath here, that my balance is not in the mind within and as inferiority/superiority, that my stability is in physical within and as my body, equal to physical here, in and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  allowed and accepted to myself to see and realize that EGO is always polarity play out of the mind, where self moves from one energy polarity to another energy polarity, not seeing and realizing that me as self, that I am responsible for such energy fluctuations of creations and allowance such energy in me, not seeing and realizing that it is not my real experience of me, but experience of the mind as energy where I allowed and accepted to myself to split into two parts of polarity as inferiority/superiority instead of find my own stability as presence of me, myself in and as breath here, in physical, in flesh as that what is here, as that what is stable and thus stability of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel insecure, imbalanced, fearful, not stable, angry not seeing that through such allowances I am allowing to live as a mind, as a system, as a program of energy creation through very thoughts as “ I’ll show him” I’ll show her” “ they will not fuck up with me” “ they are assholes” “I’ll strike back” “ I’ will destroy him/her” “ I’ll make them less” “ I will do this or that” and thus project my actions to the future as revenge of the EGO towards myself, where I allowed exist as separated entity of the mind as EGO, limited, fearful, insecure and imbalanced energy fluctuation not seeing and realizing that it is not real experience and expression of myself here, but living in and as mind, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind entity separated from my body, from my breath, from physical as that what is here, instead of remain here with my breath, here with my body, here with my surroundings as physical word around me and stop living in past/future projections of EGO as energy as selfish addict on energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior towards specific females and males and thus support my Ego and support my living as EGO, where from my own inferiority I allowed and accepted to live in fear towards myself, not seeing everyone equal to myself and myself equal to them thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from other human beings through living in fear and insecurity as EGO, not seeing and realizing that EGO is not real, that EGO is created and fabricated according energy allowances within and as my mind according memories I lived and according emotions/feeling I allowed and accepted myself to live and thus living myself just as a reflection of my past, not being here with my body in and as physical, equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist as reflection of my past as mirror of energy I allowed and accepted to myself to live, not seeing and realizing that through this very allowance I separated myself from what is here, I diminished myself and placed myself as inferior, where the memories of me and energy attached to this memories became my direction and my living, not expressing myself here, not living myself here in and as physical, but just a illusion of the mind as idea and believe, what I should be, how I should behave, what I should experience, not realizing that everything of this is just energy I became addicted onto, addicted on my mind, addicted on mind to tell me what to do, how to move, how to behave, how to speak, what to speak, where I allowed and accepted to my mind to be my direction, my savior, my god, my higher call to say and speak to me what and how I should live, what life is, what things around me is, instead or trusting my breath, instead of trusting physical, instead of trusting that what is real, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a illusions of the mind as energy and not trusting myself as physical, as breath here, as my own stability and presence within and as world I am.

Thanks, Juraj


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