Day 171 : Connection – Con-action

                 I was not able to grasp how people can stop connection to each other, just like that, in one moment, for whatever reason. I was looking on things, how people interact, and once I saw something ending just like that, especially connections of people to each other, I was surprised, little shocked. Despite of this, I was even equally surprised once I was able to see behavioral changes in those around me, moments I was looking on them surprised, not understanding why they changed so fast from enjoyments to anger, etc, I was really surprised lot of times, and lot of times because of reason.

                The reason, why something end, why something start. Beginnings -  Ends repeating. The realization, that true reason I will never know from outside. I can trust only a little to those words I hear as reason of other’s, I saw this many times.  Relationship as connection, as con action thus con as direction of life for simple reason. I was not there, in those moments as direction of life, simply as see as moment in decision, but I followed in my ways energies developed from childhood, and as I as this child was looking on changes around me, this beginnings and ends, I wondered, why cannot something last? Why everything have to end? This seeing, of endings, I become to see this as why that even happened, if it has to end? How being are born and how they die, everything, cycling, and I was shocked.

                There is moment, where everything have it’s own end, and this realization and very question, thus what is going to last forever? As a child I wondered, I wondered and I become naïve, in my way, when I trust, who I trust, why I trust, to someone, something. This wonder, like staring on something and “long“ moment is passing while things are put together because of something unexpected happened just in front of me, related to changes of behaviors of others, and see me as frictional  changes over time, and why I reacted those ways, all those things works the very same principal of beginning and end, and here is funny point, what remain?

                Simplicity is in this realization, everything of the mind will come to the end, because it has to, as this exists by this principle and can’t exist “different way”. The end point of mind energies, brings point where I step forward and thus I am no longer directed by mind. This way mind works in each dimension, and mind by itself, has end point, this means, the question, do I stand as me?

Thanks, Juraj

Day 151 : Inner Anger – Believing in system

                Last days, I started to experience various multiple points, and the major one is my inner anger towards myself because I trusted to the system, because I trusted the mind, my mind and the mind of others.

                I realized that nothing is possible to be trusted, and everything have to be questioned every way possible to do not fuck up with myself anymore. I saw people lying to me directly, and even they maybe do not noticed they did, but I had within me this anger towards me, that I fall into this trap of the mind.

                The deception of the mind is so extensive, that walk points by points seems to be sometimes never ending journey, but yes one moment this will eventually stop, and this will be the moment I will give up everything I became. Interestingly, if this will happen, or when, is unpredictable, maybe yes, maybe not.

                This relationships stored within me towards me, are like the heavy chains, like keeping me fucked and not allowing to me to be, but yes to be, means to be here, and never in the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of believing in the system, in the mind, in the perceptions, projections, ideas and believe, not realizing that by this I abused and manipulated myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist in and as anger towards myself because of my own acceptances and allowances of living in submission of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that this inner anger within me is real, that to be angry on myself is valid and required, that to torture myself with this anger is fine, not seeing and realizing that by any emotion I just fueled the mind and validate the existence of the mind, myself as the mind, and thus gave power away to my mind, not seeing and realizing that anger is not real, that anger as energy experience is fuck up and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up many times ago I saw I can and that I could, and thus trap myself into anger, blame and resentment towards myself because I didn’t stood up for myself even when I saw the moments as windows of opportunity for me to stand and say no, I do not accept this thoughts, ideas, believes, projections and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up for myself each moment in each breath, and let the things go to extreme, where the circumstances have to made me to stand up for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself and exist within and as anger towards myself because I has been keeping on falling instead of keeping of standing in specific points and each moment I saw I am able to stand up for myself but I didn’t because I defined myself towards energy and as energy addict and thus I accepted and allowed to myself to be directed by mind to get this energy, denying and diminishing myself, pretending that this falls are ok and nothing serious is happening, but within this see myself acting in self dishonesty, each moment I accepted to myself to fall and thus be this became angry on myself and even trying to be surprised and wonder why I keep on falling, but I saw that I didn’t investigated the points I fall in absolute detail as I let back door opened within and as me and thus accepting self dishonesty rather to stand up and became self honest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw my decisions made in self dishonesty and thus became angry on myself as being self dishonest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of lack of investigation of the points I faced and thus became angry on myself because of my postponing, waiting for moments what will happen, instead of my being the directive principle and thus decide for myself each moment I am here as who I am, what I accept and why, in self honesty as I see and realize the components of the mind, how mind manipulate and how I enslaved myself into living in and as self dishonest being.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw that I can act differently but I didn’t because of my own acceptance of manipulation of myself by the mind, because each time I was aware which thought directs me, and that it is not me who directs but accepting to be directed.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw the thoughts which directed me and even by this accepted those thoughts and pretend it was my decision, and thus became angry on myself as I saw, realized and understood that those decisions was not decided and directed by myself as who I am in and as breath here, but accepted to be directed by the mind.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 87 : Relationships – I can’t deal with it, I suppress it

                In my life, I never had an effective tool how to deal with the experiences of the mind, as positive or negative energy movements, and mostly that what I experienced as negative, I had no idea how to deal with it, thus I suppressed it and I was even not aware I am suppressing those energies and thus those energy is part of me and my direction, and to balance myself I always focused on something which balanced this negative energy experience thus something which I liked, something where I could get positive energy and thus do not see what I suppressed, lot of times perceived as that I forgot.

                To forgot, actually means to do not want to see, as nothing is forgotten, as everything is always with me, as me, just I do not wanted to see what I accepted for myself to live and thus I created idea and believe about my experiences and to those I had no idea how to align myself and deal with that thus I created the mechanism of forgetting, which is actually me suppressing what is here with me, as me, always.

                How can be anything forgotten, or how can I something forgot if everything of me, as me is always here? It is impossible to forget, just I do not want to see, that why I sometimes thing that I forgot, but I didn’t, I just do not see within moment. And to let go, is not about saying or pretending that something is the past of that it is ok, but actually release myself from energy experience within me I believed that it was real experience of myself, and thus see and realize what I accepted and allowed to myself to live, what I allowed to be my direction, and why. And within this, I do not forget what I lived and why, I do not forget what happened, but when I release myself from actual experience, thus I see clearly what point stood for within me, I do not forget, but the point I live do not have power over me anymore, the energy do not direct me anymore, and I do not define myself to that point I live, and I do not separated myself from the point I transcended within and as me anymore.

                Thus me as memories, as reflection of my past, the each memory I lived and created myself accordingly, each one I let go as my prison of my past, thus I am freeing myself from my own enslavement I created for myself, and thus I let go that what I lived, but I see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the forgetting as protection mechanism for myself to do not see directly and clearly what I accepted and allowed to myself to define myself to, to separate myself from, to delude myself with, to lie me with, to perceive and think, instead of ring the points back to me, back to self here, within moment and see and realize for myself the points I allowed to myself to hide from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that it is possible to forget, instead of realize that I created the forgetting as protection mechanism from myself as from my past to do not see directly what I lived, what I allowed to defined myself into and as, and how I created the prison of me as my mind where I suppressed myself and let the mind to direct me, as I was not able to direct myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and thus create within me believe and idea of forgetting as protection mechanism for myself to do not see directly where and how I separated myself from.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress within me the negative experiences of me as fear, anxiety, sorrow, stress, nervousness and by this create the idea and believe within and as me as forgetting or that I forgot and thus through this forgetting tried to balance myself through hunting the positive experiences as energy, instead of see and realize for myself that within this I even separated myself from energy and thus think and believe that energy experiences of the mind as negative are experiences of me, and through this believe tried to balance myself with hunting the positive experiences, not seeing and realizing that by this I deluded myself, as each one energy movement of the mind, as the mind, is experience of the mind and not real experience of me, of myself as breath, as life here, as the flesh as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe in polarity of the mind, of polarity as energy experiences of the mind as energy movements and energy experiences within my body, instead of stop, breathe and live here me, live me with and as breath, live me as expression of life, of physical who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe in energy as the source of experiences of myself, instead of taking my power back to me, and see and realize that I am the source of experiences of me, that I am the creator of me, that I am the one who decide what and how I live, and not let my mind to direct me in any way what so ever.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that what mind presents me as pictures, as definitions, as believes, as ideas and projections, instead of live me as stability of me as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need to stabilize myself and balance myself through participating in polarity of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to participate on anything which is of polarity as good/bad, more than/less than, beauty/ugly, instead of investigating each point for myself where I allowed to define myself as and through the mind and release myself from such acceptances.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 59 : Hide in fear – Hide in illusion

                 It is possible to hide oneself in fear? Yes it is. It is possible to remain hidden in fear? Yes it is. Is fear real? No. Fear is just energy experienced during events when one became frightened because of separation from oneself and not seeing directly in such events what really happened in reality, as to experience fear or frightening one have to be in mind, in thoughts, one have to already have the platform within mind created of what can possibly frighten oneself, and thus experience of fear manifest, apparently for one experiencing fear it came very real, as one within moment do not see it is just self delusion.

                Have a look. What is real is therefore real for everybody, as reality around us, the trees, the wind, the nature, we all see it and we all can experience such events and physical impact of nature, of sun, of wind, water and so. Thus this is only what is real. What you can touch, with your hands.

                The energy experiences within ones body, can’t be touched, and not matter how real it appears to oneself experiencing such energy movements, it is simply never real, as it is only self delusion of persona experiencing such energy flows, and thus, created by thoughts, which are based on past experiences, and therefore just repeating over and over again, as that is what is already contained within mind and can’t be anything new, just past, over and over and over.

                Stop thinking, and you will became real being, living here in reality, experiencing and living the life, directing and supporting life, not because of energy, as energy will be no more, but self as expression of self and what self really is.

                Try to explore, how it could be, to live without thoughts in mind. It is more than “pleasure”

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of myself in separation from myself through believe, fear and idea of myself of who I am, instead of being here within and as moment of breath, equal to me, equal with me, living me and expressing me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that hiding can protect me from being harmed, hurt, laughed on me, that hiding is my protection and that I need protection from myself as I separated myself from myself through ideas, believes, fear, and past experiences of being hurt, harmed and thus hold myself into such events, not seeing and not realizing that this events do not exist anymore, not seeing and realizing that anything I experienced is not more here, it is just container of memories within and as my mind I allowed and accepted to myself to live, to became and reflect.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize for myself that only one moment exist, always, and that I am equal and one within and as moment which is here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define here and being here as presence within and as my memories activated through act of thinking and participating on thinking, creating energy experiences for myself and therefore think and believe that thus I am here, instead of seeing and realizing that any thought which came up, means I am not more here but in the mind, that any energy flow I experience is not real, that and projection in my mind is not real, that any idea, believe, has been told to me and thus I copied accordingly my likeness and my self definition towards such idea, believe, projection.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define being here as being present in the mind, as being in and as my mind, as living the mind, as accepting the mind, as a system, as a program of myself I allowed to live, instead of seeing and realizing for myself, that being here is simplicity of breath, in breath and out breath as moment which exist, equal and one with, equal and one with body as flesh as physical which exists and which I can touch.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see the simplicity of living here, with and as breath of life which I am, but allowing and accepting to live as reflection of my past, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create myself on fear, my living on fear, the experiences of myself on fear in separation from myself, and not allowing and accepting myself to break all fears I allowed to live and define myself into.

Thanks, Juraj