Day 151 : Inner Anger – Believing in system

                Last days, I started to experience various multiple points, and the major one is my inner anger towards myself because I trusted to the system, because I trusted the mind, my mind and the mind of others.

                I realized that nothing is possible to be trusted, and everything have to be questioned every way possible to do not fuck up with myself anymore. I saw people lying to me directly, and even they maybe do not noticed they did, but I had within me this anger towards me, that I fall into this trap of the mind.

                The deception of the mind is so extensive, that walk points by points seems to be sometimes never ending journey, but yes one moment this will eventually stop, and this will be the moment I will give up everything I became. Interestingly, if this will happen, or when, is unpredictable, maybe yes, maybe not.

                This relationships stored within me towards me, are like the heavy chains, like keeping me fucked and not allowing to me to be, but yes to be, means to be here, and never in the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of believing in the system, in the mind, in the perceptions, projections, ideas and believe, not realizing that by this I abused and manipulated myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist in and as anger towards myself because of my own acceptances and allowances of living in submission of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that this inner anger within me is real, that to be angry on myself is valid and required, that to torture myself with this anger is fine, not seeing and realizing that by any emotion I just fueled the mind and validate the existence of the mind, myself as the mind, and thus gave power away to my mind, not seeing and realizing that anger is not real, that anger as energy experience is fuck up and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up many times ago I saw I can and that I could, and thus trap myself into anger, blame and resentment towards myself because I didn’t stood up for myself even when I saw the moments as windows of opportunity for me to stand and say no, I do not accept this thoughts, ideas, believes, projections and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up for myself each moment in each breath, and let the things go to extreme, where the circumstances have to made me to stand up for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself and exist within and as anger towards myself because I has been keeping on falling instead of keeping of standing in specific points and each moment I saw I am able to stand up for myself but I didn’t because I defined myself towards energy and as energy addict and thus I accepted and allowed to myself to be directed by mind to get this energy, denying and diminishing myself, pretending that this falls are ok and nothing serious is happening, but within this see myself acting in self dishonesty, each moment I accepted to myself to fall and thus be this became angry on myself and even trying to be surprised and wonder why I keep on falling, but I saw that I didn’t investigated the points I fall in absolute detail as I let back door opened within and as me and thus accepting self dishonesty rather to stand up and became self honest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw my decisions made in self dishonesty and thus became angry on myself as being self dishonest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of lack of investigation of the points I faced and thus became angry on myself because of my postponing, waiting for moments what will happen, instead of my being the directive principle and thus decide for myself each moment I am here as who I am, what I accept and why, in self honesty as I see and realize the components of the mind, how mind manipulate and how I enslaved myself into living in and as self dishonest being.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw that I can act differently but I didn’t because of my own acceptance of manipulation of myself by the mind, because each time I was aware which thought directs me, and that it is not me who directs but accepting to be directed.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw the thoughts which directed me and even by this accepted those thoughts and pretend it was my decision, and thus became angry on myself as I saw, realized and understood that those decisions was not decided and directed by myself as who I am in and as breath here, but accepted to be directed by the mind.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 56 : I love you – Ultimate deception

                When one says these words: I love you – One is actually saying: I love positive energy I can get from you and generate within me, I am addicted on this energy and I need this energy, I am so selfish and egoistic that I do not care who you are, what you are, what you lived and why, I have no idea who I am and what I became and why, I just need this energy, and I need you to behave the way I can get this energy from you, because I am shitty scared to see into me as what I became, I am so shitty scared to see demons within me living as me, I am so scared that I will not want to see all this shits I am within and as me, as I need to cover this all just with this positive energy I call love, and I have no problem to deceive you this way as I really do not care about you, and until I will be able to get this energy from you, I will speak this words to you, but when this will deplete within me, I will say you good bye and farewell ,as you will not serve me for nothing, and I will just say it is no more love – but within this I will remain blind towards fears I experience, anxieties,  and anger which I live day by day, but showing just this smiley cute face to word outside.

                Time to stop deceive.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 33 : Pissed off about limitation, pissed off about myself

                I had strong reactions against one human, in meaning, of how limited is point of view of this human and the way of behavior towards me, how this persona act only from perspective of self interest and do not consider absolutely anything just only own point of view and how limited it is.

                Thus I became curious what it is, why I am so pissed off about this persona, why I am angry of this persona, and why I allowed back chat towards this persona, and therefore what this persona is saying about me, where and how I allowed myself to be fucked and limited.

                I realized, my own limitations, it is my own limitation I see I am pissed about. I was pissed about myself and about me as I see that me points of view, are still so limited, what I realize is still so limited, and thus I was pissed about myself how come that I was not able to see who this persona is in front of me, and I could experience how it is, if I act/acted the way where I considered only me, myself, and do not cared about others.

                It is great shit as I see now, self interest, where only one point is seen as myself as ego is really great shit, from perspective, how abuse and manipulation is allowed and thus became the direction of one’s life.

                I am bit shocked, self interest, as ego, is from certain perspective disgusting, this persona, is innocent in own actions and words, but I realized, how it is, when one act and speak in sake of self interest, it is limitation and it is blindness to reality, to life, to self, to others, to everything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that when I act as ego in self interest thus actually I am blind and limited by the mind as the mind where I follow mind as search for energy and satisfaction thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself through and as ego of the mind as self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself and pissed off about myself as and on my own limitations and blindness as desire to want to see and realize more thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself because I see and realize that I am limited and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself because of my own limitations instead of searching and investigating how I can break my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that I can’t break my own limitations at once but I have to walk my process step by step, breath by breath, within and as breath and do not allow myself to spent time in mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 31 : Face the anger

                Today I met my flat mate in the lift, and she was totally angry on me, because I dared to use balcony without her permission to go through her room, the fact that she is going into my room, her parents and her dog also, was completely irrelevant and forgotten fact for her, as she was only seeing what I dared. So she was really furious about on me.

                As I was hearing her shouting on me in anger, I started to laugh because it was funny for me, what she is expressing and how she behave, the “ stupidity “ of such situation was obvious. As I started laugh she became even more pissed off about me and she wanted to not laugh on her, I just replied that I am not laughing on her, that I am laughing that she is angry without any reason, and thus she is not able to communicate, just shouting on me.

                As she continued, I noticed interesting point, it was like she is trying to take over me through her anger, as she wants to be dominant and more through her anger, and I started to experience like losing my stability as what she was trying to impose on me that I did something bad/wrong and that she has the right to be angry and scream on me.

                The energy experience starting to emerge within me as losing my balance, my hands start to shake a bit as I experience thus I just tried to calm down situation and speak, but it was not helping me to direct situation as to communicate with someone where his/her mind took over and communicate just as anger is quite difficult, thus I saw that I just need to stop this as this was leading nowhere and so I stopped this communication, turned back and just left away.

                I realized, that I do not like to face people while they are angry, as I see difficulties to direct this communication and also the point that I am during such event losing my own stability, and as I stop participate in such event, my stability was back, but I see that I should be able to be stable the same way, doesn’t matter which event I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose my stability and balance while facing the anger as someone expressing anger in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose balance when I face someone who is angry.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience or losing my balance and stability, instead of realizing that I can focus on my breath the very same way as during other situation and thus keep my balance and stability and do not allow myself to be taken over be anger of someone else.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose my stability and balance while facing someone who Is trying to impose on me that I did something bad and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience as perception that I did something bad and thus I allowed myself to go out of my balance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to participate on communication with someone who is angry and not directing myself effectively to stop this anger influence me and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be influenced by anger of person I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be influenced as my experiences of me while communicating with someone who is possessed by emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not realize and see that while I face situation when someone is angry I can be calm and keep my balance as to focus on my breath and be with my breath and be stability and balance as me and thus direct myself as my actions and my words to do not be influenced by possessions of others and directed by them I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by energy possessions of others and became influenced and create within me the experience and sense of losing my own stability and balance.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 26 : I am one moment far away from explosion

                Today, from morning in certain manner everything started cool, moment by moment I enjoyed my day, my work, the simplicity of pushing myself through my resistances and thus working on everything what was scheduled today, just breathing, working, enjoying the moments.

                After lunch, I received message that the police blocked my car, without any reason, as my car parks the same way as others, simply fascist police in my country are abusing the power they have each way possible and thus getting money from citizens for their bosses, as in my country the wild west is possibly weak word, simply, in Slovakia, the laws has been raped and fucked every way possible by those in power to maintain their power.

                The fact that police took away my driving license for a year for no reason and for their mistake, I was able to took as fact and do not connect anything to that, as I saw that I can do nothing about that as the files has been already destroyed and thus I have nothing “ against “ police.

                But here, I am on moment far from blowing up, I see that if I will allow anger to ignite within me thus that anger would raise maybe infinitely, I see that if I will allow it the rage would be just far away from that immense anger which could possibly explode within me.

                But I am calm. As I am still one moment far away. What I will allow next moment? Just one moment, can completely determine and change the life completely. One single moment, this is quite fascinating, how much can be changed in one moment.

                I breathe. I see how destructive anger is. I breathe, I breathe.

Thanks, Juraj

Nasty – you mangy liar

                The second scenario from mentioned day of yesterday’s writings was, in shop with sales parson.

                I was paying and I wanted to give to that persona the banknote with coins, to match the price and receive back just two coins, to make it easier for her and also for me, I perceived this as good solution.

                She replied that it will not help to her that she has no 10 euro cents and 20 euro cents thus she can’t accept it and she just took the banknote. I said ok, no problem.

                At my surprise, she is giving me at the moment 2 euro coin and four 10 euro cents coins. I asked her, why she lied 30 seconds ago that she do not have those coins, and now she is giving it to me.

                I was calm in my question, she do not replied anything which will clarify the situation or answer my question, that maybe she was wrong or anything thus I continued, and at my surprise, in my life I never said loudly but calm within me, publicly, directly to her – Do not lie, why you lie? Do not lie you mangy liar.

                And I turned back and get out of that shop.

                Yes I could choose different words but I said what I said, at the evening, I was speaking about this situation to one guy, and here I noticed interesting thing, that I became angry for a moment while I spoke about this, not at her, but at the way how she lied. Why she lied if in 30 seconds this lie has been revealed? She has to be aware of it, hm, maybe not, whatever.

                And within this, I realized why I become angry while speaking about this situation. She was possibly not aware at all what she said, she could have in the head many possible thoughts and thus in her speech she could be really innocent, from my perspective, I was pissed off how she lied. Why to bother to lie if this will be revealed after few moments?

                My perception of lying is, that if someone lie, thus present it the way that it will be not revealed thus it will be perceived as true, that’s the point if someone is lying. And from this, I realized, that I perceive myself as one who can really professionally lie, and thus that I am more than those who can’t lie in such good manner.

                What a fuck up. Just because I can lie better it do not makes me more than anybody else, I am equal to any persona, no matter how they lie, behave, speech or act. That’s simply irrelevant, because each one has different intentions and I do not know a shit about it.

                Relevant is, who I am within the situation, what I see and how I direct my words, my interactions, and how I behave and how I express within moments.

Thanks, Juraj