Day 140 : Balance of me

                I realized interesting point, in regards of balancing and stabilizing myself as presence of me within this world.

                The moment I accept myself to balance me through feelings and emotions as polarity of other, I am fucked and this is not real balance and not real stability, this is just balancing myself as the mind as direct opposite of my fellow participant in conversation.

                Real balance is physical, in and as breath, not matter what, only breath, me as breath, with the breath, is only real balance and real stability.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to balance and stabilize myself through the mind as experience of polarity towards another, instead of see and realize that this is not real stability and not real balance, but just following the program of polarity as design of balancing of experiences between participants.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that only and one possible point of stability is physical in moment here, with the breath as standing here as presence of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to experience something, not seeing and realizing that this experiencing something is just desire of the mind for energy movement and energy experience, not seeing and realizing that I as presence of me do not need to experience anything of the mind as the moment, as I am here and aware of me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 134 : Acceptance of me as a system

                By following the though I am saying: My mind tell me what I should do and I will proceed because you are my god and I will hear you, your wish is my command, keep me trapped and enslaved.

                By reacting by positive feelings I am saying: The energy I experience and perceive as good and positive is my self delusion, but this is perfectly fine till this illusion will remain.

                By reacting by negative emotions I am saying: My dreams, my desires, my self interest came to ruins and someone should be blamed for it, or I can blame myself and thus turn into remorse, regret and pity of myself.

                By participating on back chats I am saying : I am blind and I can’t decide for myself, I need someone as self talk of the mind to came to a conclusion and thus again turn back to following of thoughts.

                By repeating such actions: Thoughts, feelings, emotions, back chats, I am keeping myself trapped into never ending cycle of the same shit, sometimes with different façade as pictures around.

                By stopping such actions: I am day by day more and more “amazed” how deep my self dishonesty go, how much I accepted to live as a programmed system, and how I became slave of the mind, thus less than a system.

                Things are bit a more complex, but point is clear, to accept the system, or stand up for myself and free myself, and as I am walking my days, my breath became natural, I do not need to note myself each 5 minutes to breathe anymore, my days became more stable, me more stable, as I can say I had never such stability of myself, as I am facing the consequences of my past acceptances and I wanted to get out of such consequences and stop it, but that’s not possible.

                I was foolish sometimes, instead of stop I created even worse consequences by wanting to get out of that what I had to face, and within this, I realized, it is always me, each moment, if I stop, or not.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to program myself through thoughts and energetic experiences of positive and negative and create within and as me patterns of my life, where repeating of this patterns I became believing that I am living, not seeing and realizing that this has nothing to do with life or living me, but just repeating of that what I accepted and allowed to program myself into and as.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit to a order of the mind as a voice in the head and through this voice accept myself to became the follower and submitted slave of the order of the mind, as programmed design of my speech, movement, my definitions, believes, projections, ideas, my very living, accepting to became a lie, shadow of life as parasite of physical where I managed the physical to submit to a illusion of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind is subject to physical and not physical to the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear to lose my god as a mind because I defined myself as a slave as the one who need someone who will talk to him as what I will do, when and why, and thus accept to became the servant of a programmed system not seeing and realizing that I thrown away myself as life and accepted the illusion to direct me, to speak to me, instead of stop each single moment I see and realize mind is trying to talk to me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to became living in fear as mind is fear as mind is based on energy dependency and this energy is most effective way generated by fear, not seeing and realizing that each and any fear is illusion of the mind, to keep me trapped and enslaved.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear the outcomes in the future, instead of realize that future is just consequences of my present actions, and by fearing future I am fearing myself and my present actions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear my actions and project this into the future and thus generate and accept fear within me to become my direction.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear as how I will survive in the future, instead of see the solutions as common sense as how I can survive, without any fear connect, accepted and created within me as my direction.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to accept the mind as thoughts, reactions, feeling, emotions, projections, ideas, believes, desires and thus became programmed behavioral robot as characters as false image of myself because I separated from myself through illusion of fear.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to abuse, manipulate and mislead myself because of acceptance of following the thoughts, and by this thoughts create energy experiences as positive and negative and thus became as living in polarity friction of myself, not seeing and realizing that if I stop, thus anything what moves within me is of the mind and not myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to be slave of the mind and fear to stop and let go the mind by breath, and utilize the breath as my stability, my presence here, and letting go of the mind as self acceptances of existing as robot.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 53 : Clarity

                Self forgiveness brings clarity to ones speech, self forgiveness brings clarity to ones words, within and as self forgiveness one can see what has been allowed and accepted to live, to oneself, to others, to nature.

                Clarity is seeing without any shadow of doubt, without any thought in the head, without any reaction, clarity is here where always clarity was, but paradox we was never here.

                Clarity is speaking without any desire, without any fear, clarity is expression of that what is here.  It is speaking directly, just expressing myself here, as clarity as what is me.

                Clarity – is self honesty.

                I am clarity of me, I am purity of me, I am innocence of me, I am stability of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blind myself in living in and as a mind, as a system which can’t see because systems looks through knowledge and information, where systems looks only as EGO and self interest, thus system can’t see a shit thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live within and as my own self dishonesty, protecting my dishonesty, running away from myself, do not wanting to look into me, do not want to see what I have allowed and accepted to myself to live, to became, to express within and as dishonesty of me, instead of standing up for myself, standing up for myself as who I am here as life, giving value to myself where all parts of me are considered equally, where nothing of me is left behind, where all of me is revealed, seen and understood, within and as clarity of me, clarity as who I am as I see into me what I became.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blind myself with knowledge and information I get from this world, what has been said to me, what I heard and what I seen, instead of looking into me and see directly what is here within and as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my seeing and clarity of that what I see with my mind, with my desires and my wants, needs as EGO of the mind I became, where I diminished my seeing only on that what EGO wants, what I became, and thus not seeing what Is here, not realizing that only that what is here is real within and as moment of physical expressing itself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish my seeing and my clarity with information and knowledge of this world I got during my life time here, not realizing that any and each word I heard carried emotional/feeling charge of energy ones spoken and thus I copied this emotions/feelings into me and defined my vocabulary, my speech, my voice tonalities, the words I am expressing with emotional charge copied from others and not seeing myself within this, losing myself through coping the words and emotions from others and not expressing myself as the words as who I am within and as moment of my and as  breath here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 31 : Face the anger

                Today I met my flat mate in the lift, and she was totally angry on me, because I dared to use balcony without her permission to go through her room, the fact that she is going into my room, her parents and her dog also, was completely irrelevant and forgotten fact for her, as she was only seeing what I dared. So she was really furious about on me.

                As I was hearing her shouting on me in anger, I started to laugh because it was funny for me, what she is expressing and how she behave, the “ stupidity “ of such situation was obvious. As I started laugh she became even more pissed off about me and she wanted to not laugh on her, I just replied that I am not laughing on her, that I am laughing that she is angry without any reason, and thus she is not able to communicate, just shouting on me.

                As she continued, I noticed interesting point, it was like she is trying to take over me through her anger, as she wants to be dominant and more through her anger, and I started to experience like losing my stability as what she was trying to impose on me that I did something bad/wrong and that she has the right to be angry and scream on me.

                The energy experience starting to emerge within me as losing my balance, my hands start to shake a bit as I experience thus I just tried to calm down situation and speak, but it was not helping me to direct situation as to communicate with someone where his/her mind took over and communicate just as anger is quite difficult, thus I saw that I just need to stop this as this was leading nowhere and so I stopped this communication, turned back and just left away.

                I realized, that I do not like to face people while they are angry, as I see difficulties to direct this communication and also the point that I am during such event losing my own stability, and as I stop participate in such event, my stability was back, but I see that I should be able to be stable the same way, doesn’t matter which event I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose my stability and balance while facing the anger as someone expressing anger in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose balance when I face someone who is angry.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience or losing my balance and stability, instead of realizing that I can focus on my breath the very same way as during other situation and thus keep my balance and stability and do not allow myself to be taken over be anger of someone else.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose my stability and balance while facing someone who Is trying to impose on me that I did something bad and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience as perception that I did something bad and thus I allowed myself to go out of my balance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to participate on communication with someone who is angry and not directing myself effectively to stop this anger influence me and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be influenced by anger of person I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be influenced as my experiences of me while communicating with someone who is possessed by emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not realize and see that while I face situation when someone is angry I can be calm and keep my balance as to focus on my breath and be with my breath and be stability and balance as me and thus direct myself as my actions and my words to do not be influenced by possessions of others and directed by them I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by energy possessions of others and became influenced and create within me the experience and sense of losing my own stability and balance.

Thanks, Juraj

               

What I see

             I see a lot of work which is in front of me, this is placed in time line and previously, I wanted to skip some steps, not possible. Each one must to go one by one, precisely.  I see only one way and other ways are not possible. I cannot skip what needs to be done as first, as if I would so step ahead will be not stable - Stability, consistency.
 

I see my past, what I’ve done, it is what it is. It is done. It is no more here, just memories and those memories are not real, even if I speak, each one understand differently, each one see it from his/hers own perspective. Because they miss the fact, that everything they experience, they create and it has nothing to do what is outside of them.

Except of those which are walking their process, they understand and they see, they look into themselves and they see how they created and what they created.

So I am alone. I am not lonely. I am alone as I am here, but this is not feeling of loneliness. I am fine with me, I am okey with me, I like me and I love me.

I do not experience desire to be loved, as I love myself,  therefore the illusion of necessity to be loved by someone else outside of me is gone. It is like, what I have been searching outside of me, I found in me, I found myself. I am with me, within me. I value myself and I see my worth within me, I am not more or less.

I do not search anymore.

I do not close my eyes in front of my world, I do not close my eyes in front of world I see.

What I see is what needs to be fixed. I see the world full of liars, hiders, abusers, killers, rapists, stealers, I could continue. I am not saying this as judgment of what I see, as it is not bad or good, it is what it is. I am responsible for this creation.

And because of what is the world as it is? Because of illusion of self experience in regards of energy which moves within each human body.  Because what humans experience, they believe they experience themselves, but it is not. It is just self definition to specific energy movement, energy creation through act of thinking and participating on.

Isn’t it strange, to live self definition? I used to do it also. For example:

To see something or someone, compare and from that comparison create judgment of myself bad/good. From that judgment, create justifications and excuses why I act the way I act, or why I think what I think. From that acting create self delusion and self guilt, anger, sorrow, love, misinterpretation. Because of that, and not able to handle it, so I suppressed and let it be suppressed and pretend I am ok and smile with others on the same bullshits in never ending circles of self deception.

Because of what? Because of believed experience of myself towards energy movement within me, without any understanding that it is me who creates this energy. And so I created some energy movement, that movement defined as love/sadness/loneliness/anger/fear etc, and from that definition I created my self experience towards it and believed that I experience myself because of some outside stimuli, but without complete forgotten fact, that it is me who created all of this, and nothing of this was real.

Can be something more ridiculous as this? How come that we are completely deluding ourselves, in believes and ideas, it is vast.

Try it for yourself – stop energy within you, and you will see.

Thanks, Juraj

Ego as mind - Breath as life

                I was wrong in my life many times, and wanted to be right. Wanted to win and prove to myself that I am right, that what I do, speak, in what I participate is me and that I am right.

                This was not me, this was living and walking my Ego, where the mind defend itself, own position within the system through various aspects, mostly linked to backchat which is silent but I heard it.

                The arguing, the fight, the statements, many times I heard and many times I followed and I allowed to myself be blinded and not to see what is here. Any thought which I allowed, had consequences in my life. I thought before that thoughts do not have effect, that I can thought what I wish to and dream what I want to dream, etc, I trapped myself, by my own thoughts into living something which is not me.

                Each one thought has consequences, each one is illusion, and each one thought is not of life. Interestingly, ego plays mayor role in it, when I thought and believed that I am that what is trying to defend the position within me, I believed that ego is me, it is not.

                I tried during the conversation to do not allow any thought which could trigger my backchat, interestingly this was cool as I was able to see how much times I trapped myself into backchating within me, arguing, ach, and for what? For my ego, which is not real, because if I do not allow it, it do not exist, any speech within is simple not real.

                It is so simple, anything which pops up in the mind, simply is not real. And has nothing to do with reality.

                The breathing is assisting amazingly, to stop and let go, to walk what needs to be walked, now I see, that each time I am not aware of my breath so that each very moment I am illusion and not real.

                This is process to walk to be breath as expression of life, stable and clear without anything which could deceive, delude, and compromise.

                The breath is stability, the breath is clarity, the breath is real, the breath allows seeing and the breath allows living.

                Be the breath, be the life. Walk the process of breath as life.

Thanks, Juraj