Day 58 : Fear - silent assassin

                Lot of times, I do not noticed I acted on fear, or spoke within and through fear, or I even do not noticed I lived and live in fear, or I misplaced anxiety for hunger, or various energy experiences as cool and worth to live, but by paradox, everything energy based has one platform – Fear.

                I was born into a fear and I became the fear and I thought myself that this fear is what makes me alive. I became blind towards my own fears and I stop recognized over time in my life, that everything I do is back-up as fear within me, as energy and my self definition to this energy, when I even was not able to see that it is simply fear.

                In my life, I manipulated in absolute blindness of me towards events and situations, where I experienced fear and was not able to see it is fear, fears from past, fears projected into a future, lived bound and enslaved in my own creation of fear, in polarity of mind, in constant turmoil of myself, of torture with fear, towards everything and everybody, and over time, I even start to give up my fears, as this fears I started to call life.

                It is time to realize for everybody, that fear do not serve us for nothing, that fear is deception of ourselves we live in, it is time to see beyond and stop to live the fears, as it is no living, but slow dying, and slow killing inn front of our own creation, of our own assassin – called Fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself towards two points within me as polarity of the mind, where I split myself into two parts, two separated points as superiority/inferiority, good/bad, beauty/ugly and define myself towards this points and imprison myself in self definition towards this points through competing, desires, need and wants as manifested desires to live myself and live my life, to define myself as who I am according two separated points and live in constant turmoil of myself between good and bad, superior and inferior, less then and more then, where I allowed to live in friction of myself as thus generate energy within and as me and think and believe that this energy experiences are experiences of myself, that this energy is what I need, that this energy as a friction created within me is me living me, instead of realizing that simply I lived and live as a system, as a robot, as a death shadow of memories I lived in fear, and thus project my fears into a future, into myself and live bound and enslaved in my own fear, in my own prison I created for myself where I thought and believed that this prison is all what I am, that I need this prison to enslave me, to fear to break through the prison of my own fears and stand up within and as me , to stand up absolute and live me, value me as a life, as the only value which exist in existence, and thus value existence as me, as equal and one, as life, as breath as who I am as living being here on earth.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that thanks the fear I will be able to live and move myself accordingly within this world, instead of seeing and realizing that fear enslave, control, and manipulate and that I lived and live in constant control, manipulation of myself and enslavement of myself through allowance of living in fear as energy experience where I think and believe that this energy is me living me, where I defined myself towards energy as fear, where I placed myself as a slave of the fear and slave of the mind just for the sake of generating the energy as fear, and to move myself, to speak myself, to voice myself only in and as a fear as my own prison of me, where I do not allowed and accepted to myself to free myself and unlock myself form my own fear, anxieties and anger and nervousness.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that fear as a energy is that what moves me, what makes me to progress and what makes me to live, instead of seeing and realizing that within this I did not moved myself, that I did not expanded myself, that I did not lived myself but just a program and script as a fear, as a energy I became addicted onto, and thus I fear to give up my own absolute addiction, which is living in and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became addict on fear, became just a reflection or my past fears and living zombie as fear, as my own prison and my own judgment of me, where I do not allowed and accepted to myself to free myself and liberate myself from my own prison of the mind, of energy and thoughts, believes, projections, ideas and simply live here, equal and one with me body, as breath, as living being honoring life, honoring each moment as only one moment is real and only one moments exist as all as existence as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can not exist without fear, that I cannot free myself, that I am too week and to scared to unlock my potential, to unlock the life and free life as who I am, to make myself free from bounds of living in the past.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can selectively decide what I will live and how, instead of taking self responsibility for myself, to stand up within and as me, in me, as all as one and take absolute responsibility for myself, take absolute stand within and as me, to do not allowing and accepting anything less than life, as only life is only value which exist and thus life can’t be raped, can’t be laughed on, abused and killed, as only life is what I am thus I have to take stand within and as me and live life as me, to accept life as me, to live me as me as who I am as life, as breath here.

Thanks, Juraj

Distractions

                The rush of the city and the rush of the people, I am meeting daily, moving back and forth from here to there and from there again back, to complete this or that or enjoy or for whatever reason, people move. Cars move and the nature move. City as buildings and infrastructure stand, one place, no rush, apparently it seems not alive.

                Why people move? Money,survival. Basic points of this movement. Why people rush? Money, energy, time.

                Pictures each moment around, pictures I used to define myself according it, pictures I used to create energy from it, for myself to live in state this energy experiences is me. It is not so.

                The rush and the pictures, the words people speak, distractions as distracted all the time.

                To stand calm and clear each moment here, I noticed sometimes I am losing this, like in moment of reaction which I was not aware that is part of me, and as I look on that reaction what is this telling about me. What I do not want to stand equal and one with, from which I want to separate myself from, interestingly, to be equal means not to react at all.

                To be equal with myself within me, understand and see what is going on and direct the moments, some moments I directed showed me some great shit about myself or about people around, which is cool because otherwise I would not be able to see it.

                Sometimes the one word can distract me, sometime one picture, the sounds or voices or noises used also but it is gone.

                I see that most I defined myself through pictures and very specific moments I lived, and those moments define who I am, because I was not able to unconditionally let it go, to forgive each part of nity grity situation.

                I ask myself, how come, that some moments in my life, I can let go, do not react, to see and realize what it is, what is going on, to see how it works, and see myself within that, and how come, that within some points I am like absolutely blind and not grasping at all what it is, what’s move me and how it moves me.

                I ask myself, how come that I am able to let go desires, needs, pictures, connections, relationships, thoughts, emotions and feelings, rush, I could continue…. Because I ask myself, how come I am not able to grasp one singular point I am facing many years over and over and this point is coming back, pattern I created within me and through this pattern I shaped my life and my participation, and this point is quite simple, mechanics and knowledge, how it works I understood, I do not see who I am within this point, maybe I do not want to see, maybe I suppressed a lot what it is what drives me, I came through hundreds of thoughts connected to this singular point – money.

                How come, that the usage of money and how I am using it, is simply not understood within me.

Thanks, Juraj

Likes – Don’t likes

                I created within me through self-definitions massive amount of my likes and my don’t likes, which comes from polarity, thus limitation of me because I defined myself.

                Is this self-expression in every moment in self-honesty?  Obviously, not.

                Each like or don’t like, is just the mind, defined, separated, and selfish.

                Thus I have to stop the likes and stops don’t likes completely, stop definitions of me.

Thanks, Juraj

Picture likes

I used to create the specific emotions in front of specific pictures, simply just shapes and colors in front of me, and because of that, so I created energy within me and different kind of experience, going through sadness, joy, love, excitement, etc.

I saw the picture, and I defined myself towards this picture and create the desire that I want it in front of me more or not likeness that I do not want to see it.

This is so “ stupid “, how come that my experience of me is determined by some pictures ? By these definitions, this can be broken down and nonexistent.

Just breathe and experience in front of picture/because of picture disappear and remain nothing. Was this experience of me real? Obviously, not.

Just only another delusion, created because of separation, inequality and polarity of the mind.

Everything, are just only shapes, colors, geometric links, basically, everything is the same, just only looks different because of mind definitions.

Thanks, Juraj

Let go the light

                To let go everything which is not real, each point I defined myself, everything I lived as a past memory, means, remain here.

                Here as presence of me, unwavering, stable.

                Until I am not able to let go everything completely and absolutely, means I am living just as a shadow of memory, outcome of definitions of me, this definitions are just past experiences, and from them I created my way of living. Is this way of living life?

                No matter how much mind components I removed, no matter how effective I am, if within me will remain just only one thought, one connection, one believe and idea, till that time I am not finished, I am not done, till that time I am of the mind.

                To let go means to let die everything which is not real, just reflection of the light, and get a chance for life to be born.

Thanks, Juraj

What I see

             I see a lot of work which is in front of me, this is placed in time line and previously, I wanted to skip some steps, not possible. Each one must to go one by one, precisely.  I see only one way and other ways are not possible. I cannot skip what needs to be done as first, as if I would so step ahead will be not stable - Stability, consistency.
 

I see my past, what I’ve done, it is what it is. It is done. It is no more here, just memories and those memories are not real, even if I speak, each one understand differently, each one see it from his/hers own perspective. Because they miss the fact, that everything they experience, they create and it has nothing to do what is outside of them.

Except of those which are walking their process, they understand and they see, they look into themselves and they see how they created and what they created.

So I am alone. I am not lonely. I am alone as I am here, but this is not feeling of loneliness. I am fine with me, I am okey with me, I like me and I love me.

I do not experience desire to be loved, as I love myself,  therefore the illusion of necessity to be loved by someone else outside of me is gone. It is like, what I have been searching outside of me, I found in me, I found myself. I am with me, within me. I value myself and I see my worth within me, I am not more or less.

I do not search anymore.

I do not close my eyes in front of my world, I do not close my eyes in front of world I see.

What I see is what needs to be fixed. I see the world full of liars, hiders, abusers, killers, rapists, stealers, I could continue. I am not saying this as judgment of what I see, as it is not bad or good, it is what it is. I am responsible for this creation.

And because of what is the world as it is? Because of illusion of self experience in regards of energy which moves within each human body.  Because what humans experience, they believe they experience themselves, but it is not. It is just self definition to specific energy movement, energy creation through act of thinking and participating on.

Isn’t it strange, to live self definition? I used to do it also. For example:

To see something or someone, compare and from that comparison create judgment of myself bad/good. From that judgment, create justifications and excuses why I act the way I act, or why I think what I think. From that acting create self delusion and self guilt, anger, sorrow, love, misinterpretation. Because of that, and not able to handle it, so I suppressed and let it be suppressed and pretend I am ok and smile with others on the same bullshits in never ending circles of self deception.

Because of what? Because of believed experience of myself towards energy movement within me, without any understanding that it is me who creates this energy. And so I created some energy movement, that movement defined as love/sadness/loneliness/anger/fear etc, and from that definition I created my self experience towards it and believed that I experience myself because of some outside stimuli, but without complete forgotten fact, that it is me who created all of this, and nothing of this was real.

Can be something more ridiculous as this? How come that we are completely deluding ourselves, in believes and ideas, it is vast.

Try it for yourself – stop energy within you, and you will see.

Thanks, Juraj

Absolute stand

                I had a long chats with different people, going through various ages and various positions, we talked about many points, sexuality, money system, desires, believes, behavior of people, interesting thing I noticed, then when I talked about points related to sexuality I become excited not by pictures of projections or fantasies as I can stop them and not allow myself to go into fantasies, but excited by the words by itself.

                This means that I defined myself towards these words and from them create the excitement, which I can handle and not escalate it and this is related to sexual experiences form my past which has been based on energy.

                Another interesting point is, that a lot of people see how this system is wrongly set up, and simply how much abuse is here, how much deception, etc, but they have simply fear to stand up and not follow and not to conform the society.

                Lot of people see how our money system is completely wrong, but all of them say the same, you cannot change it. Yes, I can’t change it, group can change it, individual can change himself and group can change the system we live in.

                In those chats I hurt my hand as I didn’t noticed pressure with my hand I placed on laptop, and the pain I experienced was great and still I can feel it, but this shows that when I am to much involved in something I can hurt myself without noticing it, where also mind is in search for some excitement, something which could possibly generate the energy.

                Interesting point is, that when I do not experience anything related to feelings or excitement, within me is something through which I would possibly manipulate myself for generating the energy based on words which could give me the same false sense of “ living “.

                This just means, that I am able to stand up, but I have to stand up absolutely.

Thanks, Juraj

               

               

Secret, secret mind

I saw deception of my back chat, and I saw deception of the voice which used to talk within me. I saw how I allowed and accepted to be deceived, I stop to participate in it.

                Few days after, slowly but surely secret mind starts to emerge within me, very slow, very soft speaking inside me. Trying to convince me that it is me who speak, that maybe possibly this speaking is me, trying to catch me the very same way like back chats or voice of the mind.

                I noticed interesting thing within it, it is nastier, it is straighter, showing me the core of me which I allowed and accepted.

                I can’t blame anybody, and I will not do that, because it is me who allowed it or not and I take responsibility for myself, for my actions, for the words I speak and why I speak. I take responsibility for that what is inside me, within me, as me and I will not allow to be deceived with the thoughts.

                The secret mind, is showing me the judgments I was not aware of, the thoughts I was living and the thoughts I has been defining myself to. It is showing me what was the triggers of my actions, and definitely, that I was living the mind, and not myself.

Thanks, Juraj