Day 58 : Fear - silent assassin

                Lot of times, I do not noticed I acted on fear, or spoke within and through fear, or I even do not noticed I lived and live in fear, or I misplaced anxiety for hunger, or various energy experiences as cool and worth to live, but by paradox, everything energy based has one platform – Fear.

                I was born into a fear and I became the fear and I thought myself that this fear is what makes me alive. I became blind towards my own fears and I stop recognized over time in my life, that everything I do is back-up as fear within me, as energy and my self definition to this energy, when I even was not able to see that it is simply fear.

                In my life, I manipulated in absolute blindness of me towards events and situations, where I experienced fear and was not able to see it is fear, fears from past, fears projected into a future, lived bound and enslaved in my own creation of fear, in polarity of mind, in constant turmoil of myself, of torture with fear, towards everything and everybody, and over time, I even start to give up my fears, as this fears I started to call life.

                It is time to realize for everybody, that fear do not serve us for nothing, that fear is deception of ourselves we live in, it is time to see beyond and stop to live the fears, as it is no living, but slow dying, and slow killing inn front of our own creation, of our own assassin – called Fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself towards two points within me as polarity of the mind, where I split myself into two parts, two separated points as superiority/inferiority, good/bad, beauty/ugly and define myself towards this points and imprison myself in self definition towards this points through competing, desires, need and wants as manifested desires to live myself and live my life, to define myself as who I am according two separated points and live in constant turmoil of myself between good and bad, superior and inferior, less then and more then, where I allowed to live in friction of myself as thus generate energy within and as me and think and believe that this energy experiences are experiences of myself, that this energy is what I need, that this energy as a friction created within me is me living me, instead of realizing that simply I lived and live as a system, as a robot, as a death shadow of memories I lived in fear, and thus project my fears into a future, into myself and live bound and enslaved in my own fear, in my own prison I created for myself where I thought and believed that this prison is all what I am, that I need this prison to enslave me, to fear to break through the prison of my own fears and stand up within and as me , to stand up absolute and live me, value me as a life, as the only value which exist in existence, and thus value existence as me, as equal and one, as life, as breath as who I am as living being here on earth.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that thanks the fear I will be able to live and move myself accordingly within this world, instead of seeing and realizing that fear enslave, control, and manipulate and that I lived and live in constant control, manipulation of myself and enslavement of myself through allowance of living in fear as energy experience where I think and believe that this energy is me living me, where I defined myself towards energy as fear, where I placed myself as a slave of the fear and slave of the mind just for the sake of generating the energy as fear, and to move myself, to speak myself, to voice myself only in and as a fear as my own prison of me, where I do not allowed and accepted to myself to free myself and unlock myself form my own fear, anxieties and anger and nervousness.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that fear as a energy is that what moves me, what makes me to progress and what makes me to live, instead of seeing and realizing that within this I did not moved myself, that I did not expanded myself, that I did not lived myself but just a program and script as a fear, as a energy I became addicted onto, and thus I fear to give up my own absolute addiction, which is living in and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became addict on fear, became just a reflection or my past fears and living zombie as fear, as my own prison and my own judgment of me, where I do not allowed and accepted to myself to free myself and liberate myself from my own prison of the mind, of energy and thoughts, believes, projections, ideas and simply live here, equal and one with me body, as breath, as living being honoring life, honoring each moment as only one moment is real and only one moments exist as all as existence as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can not exist without fear, that I cannot free myself, that I am too week and to scared to unlock my potential, to unlock the life and free life as who I am, to make myself free from bounds of living in the past.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can selectively decide what I will live and how, instead of taking self responsibility for myself, to stand up within and as me, in me, as all as one and take absolute responsibility for myself, take absolute stand within and as me, to do not allowing and accepting anything less than life, as only life is only value which exist and thus life can’t be raped, can’t be laughed on, abused and killed, as only life is what I am thus I have to take stand within and as me and live life as me, to accept life as me, to live me as me as who I am as life, as breath here.

Thanks, Juraj

Money as foundation for backchat

                There was believe within me, which comes from family environment, that once I will earn my own money, I can do with them anything I would like.

                I heard lot of times, that I can’t buy that or this, because it is not my money, and once I started to earn money, I just followed, spending it on that what I would like, mostly because of energy  addiction. Pure self-interest, pure delusions.

                Lot of times I heard my back chat saying against others, as money foundation why and how they are spending money, or why they do not want to pay for themselves if they should, or that now they should pay for me, solving within me and throwing judgments onto others. Or in backchat that I can do that or this because I can, as superior against all other living forms. Nice fuck up.

                I stopped this and I see how I was fucked.

                As I see from where money comes, and where money goes, my usage of money should not harm. I do not want to be harmed and not to cause harm to others, nor to abuse because I have money or can make money.

                Rather direct the money flow, where it would be beneficial for all.

Thanks, Juraj

The competition – Win or die

I liked to win. I had to win. For all costs, no matter how high price was.

When I used to play games, simply I had to win, otherwise I should not go sleep unless I won.  In those games which I could not practice sufficient amount of time I cheated, I liked to use cheats, especially in those types of games where opponents were real people.

I used to involve emotions towards the games, I took it too seriously, I was not able to just say to myself It is only a game, come on.

I was addicted, I had to play to fulfill the ego of the mind, the ego of me.

As time passed I realized that each game it is still the same, no matter how it looks, principle is same where real opponents are involved.

 I loved to play as individual ego maniac where I had to have the best stats of the bests, I was breaking my records, and everything in my life has been submitted to this, that time.

I loved to play as polarity or ego, where I died for winning of the team, no matter how much times I sacrificed myself, when I saw that we will win I didn’t hesitated. I loved it.

Nothing was real.

After few years, I stop to involve emotions to the games, and started to be calm during playing, enjoying it with understanding that it is just a game, nothing else, type of games I played changed, my attitude changed, till finally I changed.

Hundreds and hundreds rounds I had to play, to finally realize, it is only a game.

Thanks, Juraj