Day 122 : I defined life – I trapped myself

                In my life, I had many different perspectives on life, or before life or after life, but I never considered the life here. I trapped myself into a believes about life, perspectives and ideas why I am here, or what this all should be about, and obviously I followed many of them to inevitably get to a point I trapped myself in my mind.

                To consider what is here, why and how I can solve this, is quite different, as I can solve only that what I can, but I had tendency to imagine lot of stuff what I could resolve and how and what I need to do that, thus make ideas about myself of doing something but actually I never did.

                I make about my life ideas and how I would like to live, about others, but at the end of all, nothing of that is real living, as I never really lived as this was impossible as I became less than my mind, follower of the thoughts, how scary this is once I see this here.

                To follow the thoughts is perversion towards the life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think about life, what life is, or what life should be, make ideas, projections and believes about life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define life through and as the mind, to think and believe that life is about thoughts, emotions, feelings, perceptions, ideas, projections, imagination and the pictures I can see in and as my mind, instead of see and realize that I trapped myself into a illusions of the mind, instead of see and realize that all of that was my self deception, that I enslaved me, that I disregarded me, that I dishonored me,  that I separated myself from life and rather turned into a illusions about life, instead of live my life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that life has beginning and the end instead of see and realize that what is here and what is real simply is, thus has not beginning and has no end, as is infinitely here as presence of life, breath of life, which I am part of thus I am life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself with the thoughts and from thoughts create energy for myself, instead of stop, breathe, be here each moment I breathe, in and as my breath, as breath of life as equality of myself with that what is here as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from the life because of thought I am less than life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from what is here as life as breath because of participating and living in and as illusionary realm of the mind based on pictures, and thoughts.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define life as pictures.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to myself to stop to live my life by the moment I accepted and allowed to myself very first thought in my life and by this thought separate myself from everyone, everything, from existence and from the physical and thus fall into and as mind as the one who start to believe in energy experiences created and generated by the thought as polarity friction of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to stop to live but rather start to believe.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from the physical because of trust I placed into and as my mind and thus accept and allow to myself to create distance between me and physical because of believe in energy experiences, and thus accept and allow to myself to separate myself from energy and thus start to think and believe that this energy is that what I need and require, and thus became separate from energy, from physical, from my breath and create distance between myself, breath and energy, instead of stop and became equal with the flesh I am, breath I am, energy I accepted and allowed to live to see and realize how I separated myself by this energy and thus be able to start to live as the breath of life here, flesh as physical as the reality of my body I am in and as.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to participate on anything in the mind, and thus separate myself and define myself in and as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that I have to live according information and knowledge of this world and thus accept and allow to trap me into a knowledge, instead of see and realize that all of this knowledge I have is my self deception of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define life as short.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to compare life by the time I perceive.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define life by the time I perceive.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap life into and as time.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into time and do not see and realize that only what exists is moment which is here thus by this time do not exists.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to move myself between moments of the past which are gone and moments of the future which do not exists as moments of illusion and thus define myself by the past moments and the projected moments, and do not see and realize the moment I am here, in and as existence as me as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist by and as memories of moments which are gone and by this memories define life, what life is and what life should be, instead of see life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see what is really here as physical because I placed trust into and as mind as pictures and relationships between this pictures and thus separate myself from what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist in and as believe that pictures are real instead of see and realize that pictures are mind control and mind enslavement to make me believe pictures are real, where in fact not a single picture reflect the physical reality.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget that me as awareness of myself is presence of me here in physical, as physical, as breath of life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that life breathes and thus everything of life breathes.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that what is here is breathing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not stand equal and one with and as breath of my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have no real power in my life, instead of see and realize that I am the power of me as me as breath as direction, movement of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am equality and oneness of me here as life as whole.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 82 : Relationships : I want to have money

                As I realized, many things in my life I did just because of the point of wanting to have the money, as I was short of. As I separated from the money, thus I created relationship with the money, as a perception that I do not have money, even when I had, and thus wanting and desiring to have money.

                When I was a child, my father usually took away from me, and thus what I perceived is mine, was never mine as always I had to give it away, thus the relationship I created with the money within me, was that I do not have money, and even when I had, thus that those money will be taken away from me, or that someone will take away those money, as the perception of my father.

                The financial education I got from my parents, was so poor, that relationship I created within me towards money as a point of separation from money, is and was simply disaster. I lacked always to consider money just as support of myself within my environment, and I always lacked to see money as me and simply as a tool to support me. I wanted to have it, even I was not aware why, but mostly because money was always taken away from me. Thus I wanted and desired to want to have something which was always taken away, as I never understood why, why my father behaved the way he did, and why I couldn’t have and use the money I worked for, even as a child I worked for money, and I never had anything from that.

                The perception, and seeing money as something, which will be always taken away from me, led me through many years of struggle of using of money, as therefore I used them the most inappropriate ways, as I always had within me this believe, that anyway I will lost them, or that money will be taken away from me, thus many times I wanted to spend money as soon as possible, directed by this perception and believe, that anyway I will not have them, and that I will lose them, or that it is not allowed for me to have money and thus use it the effective ways for myself.

                Interestingly, how I fucked myself through my childhood, and the perception of using money and handling them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that when I have money that this money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and thus create within me the relationship towards the money as a perception, idea and believe that I want them to have and handle, but within this fear that anyway money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not allowed to have money or use money or handle money for that what I need to support myself within my environment.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that when I have money, thus this money will be taken away from me and thus I will be short of again.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be pissed of my father that he always took away from myself the money I worked for, and that he do not allow me to use it the way I would like.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see money as a tool for supporting myself within the environment I live in and use them the ways which supports me to be able to live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry with my father as the point of separation myself from him and from money he always took away from me, and thus create within me the idea, perception and believe, that I am not worthy to handle money, to have money, to use money for that I would like to support myself and be able buy things for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that money are evil and bad because father always took money away from me, and thus perceive that money is something wrong, and thus judge myself for using, handling, and having money as I am doing something bad and wrong and thus I should be punished, where I create the perception, idea and believe that I should be punished for having the money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 50 : Girls and inferiority – You are more wise – Part 4

                At my elementary school age one specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs, white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose, everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.

                When I was attending school that age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.

                But anyway, during classes, lot of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home, when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English, when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for me.

                And I was looking upon this girl and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.

                One at school the girls was asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear to speak, I spoke direct opposite.

                Many times, during lot of events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with that.

                I started to value me according amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear, where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.

                I was lot of times emotional at school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly focused on the points I liked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can speak with you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing, to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and presented in front of you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as positive/negative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger, anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj