At my elementary school age one
specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs,
white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose,
everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created
likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.
When I was attending school that
age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on
the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me
to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or
Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I
can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some
specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write
something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it
different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what
we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters
as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for
me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any
why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.
But anyway, during classes, lot
of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand
stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me
amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the
point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home,
when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in
school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do
something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had
at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English,
when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as
B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning
for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to
be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare
situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for
me.
And I was looking upon this girl
and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not
prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s
and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and
reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.
One at school the girls was
asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell
it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will
speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and
insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear
to speak, I spoke direct opposite.
Many times, during lot of
events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly
just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments
for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously
separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no
money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also
for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events
because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on
events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared
myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also
through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those
which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with
that.
I started to value me according
amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the
money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount
of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to
me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of
money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear,
where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.
I was lot of times emotional at
school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific
situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse
as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what
is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I
allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face
and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly
focused on the points I liked.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and
less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because
of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with
others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others
and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to
see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount
of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them
equal to me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive
you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for
school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior
towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak
and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you
did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the
likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you
because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and
separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me
because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not
want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and
rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of
you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you
and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can
speak with you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the
positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with
you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and
myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated
myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to
myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing,
to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow
this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of
you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is
going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on
me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from
this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and
presented in front of you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and
hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you
equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of
your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me
positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as
inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to
school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as
inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of
seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my
speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and
as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and
thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my
smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not
living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as
positive/negative.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my
speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of
positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger,
anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy
fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in
and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.
Thanks,
Juraj
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