Saturday, August 25, 2012

Day 50 : Girls and inferiority – You are more wise – Part 4


                At my elementary school age one specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs, white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose, everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.

                When I was attending school that age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.

                But anyway, during classes, lot of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home, when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English, when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for me.

                And I was looking upon this girl and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.

                One at school the girls was asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear to speak, I spoke direct opposite.

                Many times, during lot of events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with that.

                I started to value me according amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear, where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.

                I was lot of times emotional at school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly focused on the points I liked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can speak with you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing, to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and presented in front of you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as positive/negative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger, anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj


No comments:

Post a Comment