In
my life, I can split my relationships with girls into two sections, those one
which I wanted to date with them, when I fall in love with them, overtime it
was always them who broke the relationship, as I placed myself as inferior and
thus acted that way, and second section, when I perceived a women just as a
tool to fulfill my sexual desires, when I didn’t created within me any lovely
feelings towards, thus I placed myself as superior and acted according this
sexual needs and wants and thus it was me who stopped the relationship, especially
when girl showed me or said the she is fallen in love with me.
I
lived as polarity zombie towards girls, those I “loved” I acted as inferior,
those I wanted just for “sex” I acted as superior.
Within
this, completely different set up of thoughts emerged within me, and I followed
completely two different characters within and as me, created by me, just for fulfilling
this energy wants and needs.
In
first scenario, it was placing the girl on pedestal and adoring her, seeing her
as more than me, following her instructions, going for her to look her, literally
sacrificing myself for everything and in anything just for sake to be with this
girl, acting that way, speaking that way, looking upon and perceiving myself
just as a tool for her.
In
second scenario, completely different character within me emerged, and I followed
this character and acted exactly that way, to just get sex, thus my speech, me
actions, followed completely this, to just get sex and fulfill sexual needs and
desires, where I placed myself as superior towards women which they obviously
liked and I always got what I wanted, absolutely not seeing the being in front
of me as a being, but just a tool.
By
paradox, in both scenarios, my actions was just for sake of fulfilling energy
needs within me.
In
first scenario, it was feeling of love towards girl, inferiority, sacrificing
myself, following, being just a slave, tool, puppet in her hands, desiring,
wanting, thinking, picturing, projecting within and as my mind my relationship
as our relationship, worshiping and making from her a goddess for myself, desiring
the relationship with this goddess and wanting sacrifice myself for her, and after breaking of relationship the
sadness, sorrow, regret, shame, guilt, suicidal thoughts, not seeing meaning in
life, seeing myself as loser, as less than, less than girl and other males,
destroyed within and as me.
In
second scenario, it was sexual energy, sexual fantasies within and as my mind, pictures,
projections, me as the fucking machine, where sex was only one priority and
everything else was absolutely irrelevant, me as a winner, me as a superior, me
as the one who score and thus making from myself more, male, that one who is
strong and no compromise allowed, after breaking the relationship the feeling
of being free, single, as I got what I wanted.
First
and second scenario, has been repeating whole my life in cycles, first one 5 or
6 times, second one many more.
Interestingly,
within this, it was still just energy, but just in different perceptions within
and as me, created through different set ups of thoughts within and as me.
In
both scenarios, my touches, the way how I kissed girls, the way how I fucked with
them, was completely different.
In
first one, I was making from myself to be taken, in second I was taking the
girl.
In
both scenarios, I was hidden, just character play-outs, just desires, needs,
wants, energy requirement.
Superiority
and Inferiority zombie, I fucked myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to not see women as equal to me and not see myself as
equal to women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to split myself in front of women into two characters,
as inferior character and superior character, where through inferior character I
placed and adored women and within superior character I placed women as less than
me but not seeing and realizing that within this I am just creating and living
polarity of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to place women on pedestal in front of me, adoring and
seeing women as more than me, placing myself as a slave for women, looking upon
towards women, desiring to be with women and desiring to be in relationship
with woman and thus shape my words, my actions, myself and live me as a
inferior character towards women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to desire to sacrifice myself for women as I placed
myself as inferior towards them within/as and through feeling of love towards
as pictures, where this picture I adored within and as me, where I allowed and
accepted to myself to make from myself a puppet for women, a tool and a toy
thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make from
myself a puppet for women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to desire to be in relationship with a woman towards I felt
the energy experience as love, where I created within me likeness towards the
picture I saw in front of me, not seeing this women as equal to me, and not
seeing myself as equal to her, but just following the polarity of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to want, need and prey to be in relationship with girl I
felt energy experience perceived within me as love, to adore this women and see
her as more than me and see myself just as a toy, puppet and tool for her and
accepting and allowing her actions, her words, without questioning as I saw
myself as less then.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to fear to speak directly and openly and straight
towards women which I placed as more than me, to fear her actions, to fear her
decision, to fear that she can reject me and thus let me suffer in and as my
feeling of love, to fear that when I will speak thus she will left me, to fear
that when I will live myself thus I can’t be with her as I perceived myself as
less than her.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to fear to act and live my life in front of women I placed
as more than me, instead of realizing and seeing that I am equal to her and
seeing her equal to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to not be comfortable with me, in front of woman which I
placed as more than me, and not live and see me, but just see her and her words
and her actions and thus follow and let myself to be directed by her as a
puppet, sacrificing myself for her within and through fear that she will left
me and I will remain alone without the goddess I created from her and thus to
fear that I will remain in doom of myself, lonely and without meaning for my
life, instead of seeing her as equal to me and see myself as equal to her, and
see me as life, as breath here, and live here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experience within me
towards women is real and perceive this energy feeling as love, think and
believe that I have to fulfill myself with this love, that this love is what I am
missing, that this love and this experience of energy is what I am, to think
and believe that I can’t live without this love and through this believes place
myself as inferior, through this believes start to adore woman in front of me
as a picture presentation and not seeing her words, not seeing myself within situation
and denying myself and suppressing myself, instead of see and realize that this
energy experience is of the mind and I am not the mind, and seeing and realizing
myself as equal to her and her equal to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to create within me the relationship towards woman which
I placed more than me through feeling of love as energy within me where I perceived
that I need and require this energy to live, to live for her and that thanks to
this energy my life have meaning and thus suppress myself and hide myself where
I believed that without this energy which I perceived is fulfilling me I can’t live,
that without this energy I am nothing and not worthy and thus I have to adore
this women and follow her and make from myself a puppet, toy and tool for her
and thus diminish myself and not live me but to live for her where I believed
that when she will left me I will be doomed forever and that I will never love
again and that I will not experience this feeling anymore where I thought and
believed that this energy feeling of love is something which is giving myself a
meaning, which I making myself to be alive, where I think and believe that I am
alive when I experience this feeling and within this think and believe that I am
happy and that I need to sustain this energy as love to be happy and experience
joy in my life and in such believes fear to speak, fear to act and live myself
as within and as this fear I believed that I will be doomed and that I will
live in sorrow, regret and shame that I lost my precious love, my precious
darling and my precious goddess and thus diminish myself and my expression not
seeing me and not seeing her but just this energy feeling within me where I believe
that without this energy I am worthless, lonely, rejected and thrown away and
not seeing and realizing who I am as life, not seeing and realizing who I am
here, not living myself here but just in polarity within and as my mind of
desires, wants and needs to fulfill myself with energy perceived as love and
fear to be rejected because of my actions and words and fear that when I will
be rejected thus I will remain doomed and thrown away and that I will remain
live in regret, shame and sorrow forever as I placed myself as unworthy and inferior
towards goddess and thus fear to act and live myself in front of this goddess
and fear that goddess will left me and I will just remain as lonely nothing in
sorrow and pain within me where I wanted and desired to be saved be goddess as
woman in front of me, as I perceived and believed that only her can give myself
meaning and that only her can fulfill me and that only her I can live for and
that only her can give meaning to my life, instead of me giving meaning to my
life, instead of me seeing myself equal within and as me with her, instead of
seeing and realizing that she is equal to me and that it is only me who can
fulfill me, that it is only me who can love me, that it is only me who can be
comfortable with me, that it is my who can notice me and that I do not require
any external point as goddess/woman in front of me to love my, to like me, to
be ok with me, to enjoy me, to give meaning to myself and my life, to live here
as breath of life.
I commit myself to do not allow
myself to place myself inferior in front of any woman, I commit myself to
remain here within and as my breath, as my stability, as my life, where I am
giving myself the meaning and living myself.
I commit myself to do not allow any
picture of women to influence me to place myself as less than but see each
woman as equal to me and see myself as equal to her.
I commit myself to do not allow any desire,
want and need to be with a woman, to influence me, but investigate the point
why I desire her, wanting her or need her, forgive myself and let go.
I commit myself to do not allow placing
myself as inferior in front of any woman but see myself as equal to her and see
her equal to me.
I commit myself to communicate with
women without desire to be in relationship, to stop desire to be in
relationship, and when I will see and realize that this desire is coming up within
me I focus on my breath, I focus on physical what is here and I breathe and
remain stable within and as me as my own stability and do not allow to place
myself as inferior towards woman but see myself as equal to her and her equal
to me.
To be continued…
Thanks, Juraj
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