In my life, I became very young
interested in girls, I say very young because it started somewhere when I was
5-6 years old, I became fascinated by beings as opposite gender, the shapes of
faces and I didn’t understood at all why some certain shapes of girls I like
and some not. That was the first point I recognized as likeness or not
likeness, the faces.
The sexual excitement I started
experience very probably the same time, and I had no clue what it is, what this
energy means, and how come that I experience it, obviously I liked it as it was
something entirely new for me.
As the years passed, many
thoughts, many ideas and believes about girls emerged within me, connected to
bodies of girls, of their expression, the girls was the point why I wanted to
be better, in meaning, how I was as a male thought to behave and how or what I should
be as a male, according the patterns I saw during my childhood.
I realized there was one very
specific girl in my life when I was a teenager, I was 16 years old, and I was
on my holidays at my grandparents place, for me it was place of living my “freedom“
as with my cousin we spent all days together, with his friends and basically we
created something like group of young boys and girls which we spent time
together, for me it was amazing time as I was 500 kilometers far away from my
family and thus no one of them knew what I do, how I do and why I do thus it
was for me freedom from all bounds of family members, from all restrictions and
especially from my father and mother.
There was the place where I started
to smoke and enjoy it, there was the place where I started to drink alcohol, but
alcohol was not so enjoyable for me because of consequences on my body, and
also I started to date with “my” first girl in my life. From my perspective, it
was that I can do everything what adults do, that I am free to do this things and
not one shout on me or wants to prohibit or direct my actions. Thus I enjoyed
the time there, and all moments, sitting near the fire at the midnight and
observing the stars, with girl nearby me and can touch her, kiss her, speak
with others and experience this feeling that I love her, that what I experience
as energy within me towards her is love, I thought it is love, I believed it is
love, she attracted me and this attraction I called love, the thoughts about
her, the imagination about her, and the desire to be with her to experience
this love was very prominent feeling within me.
To this I attached sexual
fantasies towards her, as I was virgin that time thus I wanted to experience
everything between male and female, each kiss, each touch, each looking to her
eyes was for me like ecstasy, I was fallen in love towards her and each my
action on that place became directed by this love.
I liked her face, her hairs, mid
long khaki blonde, her eyes looking into my eyes, I liked the shapes of her
jaws, her nose, I liked her body and her breasts, I was looking upon her and I placed
her on pedestal within me in my mind, and I started to adore her, completely blinded
to everything, as all what I was able to see was she. I was frustrated when I was
not with her, each moment I want to be with her, and everywhere we went I wanted
to hold her by hand, as I was proud that I have girlfriend and that I experience
love towards her and that she likes me also.
The world seems to me like
amazing place, because of my falling in love towards her. But the beauty of the
world, and the beauty of love started to be a horror, after I received the
message that she actually has a boyfriend, which I was not aware of previously,
and I was shocked, I was simply destroyed. I couldn’t understand how come that
she has a boyfriend but started to date with me, how come that the words she
spoke towards me as that she like me that she even was able to say that, when
she has a boyfriend. How come that she cheated on him, how come that she kissed
me, touched me, or spent intimate time with me in bed, we just do not had sex
together.
She said that she will break
that relationship with him, that it is no more about love, thus she started to
date with me because he was on other place during that time, thus I started to
ignore that she is still in relationship with other male, and I started to
again enjoy the time with her, but also I started to see her boyfriend as my
enemy, as someone who should not be here, as someone who should not exist,
because he is the prohibition of “our” love to remain.
When he came, and our all group
was outside, I saw him to kiss her, and she did nothing, said nothing, he was
not aware she has anything with me, the experience I had, it was like someone
penetrated myself with the knife, through the centre of my body, I felt completely
deceived by her words, I couldn’t believe that she is able to deceive such way.
I believed my love, our love and here she destroyed it completely, I thought it
was real, I trusted her, I trusted my feeling and my mind, I thought it was
real and that love will remain. I didn’t want to finish this all what I experienced
towards her this way, I didn’t want to give up my love towards her this way.
Next day as we spoke together,
she said that she will break up the relationship with him, that it is just
matter of time, that she likes me, thus I again started to believe in “our”
love and that we will overcome this together and that we will remain together,
that distance between us what will be will not destroy our love, and that we
will live together, I wanted to marry her.
I was deceived by my feelings,
and I was not able to see it, I trusted this energy feeling so much, that
everything I did was just for sake of this love. I was fallen in love, fallen
on my knees within me, I was praying to god to remain our love, to make this
horror finish that we can enjoy ourselves together. I pushed on her many
different ways to break up that relationship, I used everything possible
towards her in regards of love I experience towards her, as I was destroyed already
within me, and fallen.
I still trusted that we will
remain together, thus when I came back to my hometown, month which I spent without
her was like horror for me, attending school was absolutely boring, as I still
had her in my mind, her face, her body, the memories of her and everything we
experienced together, thus I wanted to prove to her and to myself that our love
is real, but I had no money to come to see her again, because of distance.
Thus I sold my walkman, to get
money, as it was only one thing I had that time, because as a 16 years old boy I
had no job thus no money, and for this money I bought train ticket and went to
see her for a weekend.
During the way to her place, I spent
all time basically in my mind, thinking about her, how we can communicate
everything, how we can continue with “our” love, I had many ideas and believes
how we can continue to live together, mostly non realistic but through my love I
saw it very possible. I was sure that distance and time had no play when two
beings really love each other, thus for me it was simple.
When I came to the village she
lived, the first persona I met was my cousin, as it was very early morning, he
was shocked that I came, as no one knew that I will come. He asked me why I came,
I told him to see her. He said me, that probably thus I do not know what she
did, that she burned all pictures we had taken where we was together, and I was
shocked and do not wanted to believe it, as I took it as that those pictures as
prove that we are together, and how come that she burned it, I didn’t want to
believe that she possibly really wants to stop speak with me, participate with me,
love me, like me, be with me.
Thus I went for her, her parents
told me she will come, I was absolutely nervous waiting on her, various
different feelings/emotions/fears/desires emerged within me, but when she came I
was shocked. She asked me, what I think about myself ,that I will come during
summer to her village and destroy her life and her relationship? I couldn’t believe
those words, as I didn’t wanted to destroy her life, as I believed our love,
and I was shocked about her blaming me for various points, not seeing herself
in this all.
The world I created within me
mind was destroyed, the ideas and believes I had was destroyed, the vision of
our life was destroyed, the love I experienced was destroyed, the enjoyment of
myself was destroyed, only ruins remains within me.
I remain to stand but totally ruined
within me, shocked, felt to be deceived, it makes no sense to me, nothing makes
sense to me, and I just wonder how this is all possible.
Thus I left next day to my
hometown, and nothing was like before in my life, the pain I experienced within
me day by day, started to diminish overtime, the thoughts of her started to fade
away, but everything of what I experienced during this summer remained within
me as me and became part of me, thus this became direction of my life, where
overtime I experienced similar scenarios with the girls, and absolutely not
aware, that because of this my first experience with that girl.
I can’t blame me, I can’t blame
her, it was what I allowed and accepted to live, to speak, deceived by feeling
of love, where it was just energy created within me, and my likeness of this
energy.
I am not “proud” of me, how much
times I deceived myself and others as girls with this my feeling of love,
attraction, as energy experiences within me. But it is done. It was never real
love, it was never real as real expression of me, it was never me as who I am,
it was always just energy.
And everything what happened in
my life, lead me to this point, to see and realize, what I allowed within me as
me and how I allowed to be directed by this experiences stored within me as
memories, where this all became my unconscious living, not seeing, what and why
I am doing what I am doing.
I just repeated my memories, in
sake of wanting to fix this my first falling in love. Here, as I wrote all of
this, I am surprised, bit scared about this all what I allowed in my life, but
also I see, that it is the moment when I can release myself to live and repeat
myself as memories, but take direction and direct my life.
Live the memories, or choose to
live here. That is quite interesting decision.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the
likeness of the shapes of L’s face as likeness towards her hair, her eyes, her
jaws, her body and her breast, her expression, as an energy feeling and connect
this energy to my sexual desires and thus create within me the energy experience
towards her and thinks and believe that this energy experience towards her is
love what I am experiencing thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to want to make this love real through my words and my
actions of being with her, taking pictures with her, touching her and kissing
her in believe that what I experience she experience as love and thus we will
remain together in our love thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to think and believe that what we experienced together was
love, instead of realizing that it was just energy play out between us as
likeness thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to
create within me positive energy connection towards her and through this I allowed
myself to live within and as my mind as energy not expressing and living myself
at all, just following the energy within me thus I forgive myself that I have
allowed and accepted to myself to fear that when I will lost her that I will
lost my love as our love and thus I will not experience love anymore towards
anybody thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to
manipulate her with everything possible just for my desire to be with her for
sake of experiencing energy as love towards her and energy as sexual desires
and believes of excitement as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to ignore that she is in relationship with someone and
wanted and desired to get her and see her boyfriend as my enemy as someone who should
not exist and as someone who should die and diminish thus I forgive myself that
I have allowed and accepted to myself to see her boyfriend as a persona which
stand between us and between our love I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to abuse words of love and likeness towards her just for
sake of remaining with her and be with her in believe that what I experience towards
her is love not seeing that I am fallen within and as my mind and just
following my program or energy play out of the mind as positive and negative
thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be sad and
experience sadness when she broke our relationship and when she burn all
pictures take and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to
myself to felt be deceived by her and her words, her kisses and her touches and
with her all presence thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to
myself to create within me negative energy experience within me when she said
that it is over and not wanting to see and realize that it is end and thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me
the frustration, anger, anxiety and fear towards word love and love by itself
as not seeing and realizing that it was just my creation of energy within and
as my mind through my allowance and acceptance within moments through believes
and ideas about love thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to
myself to think and believe that love have to be or is energy experience
towards someone thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to
myself to abuse my energy experience towards other being just for sake of maintaining
myself with this energy and getting this energy for myself as ego, where I allowed
and accepted to be directed just with energy not seeing and not realizing that I
am not direction but energy and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to became the deceiver because of energy experience within me
and deceive myself with this energy into falling and blindness and thus
diminish myself and my self expression here, remaining as living memories of my
falling in love as energy and just repeating memories and living memories and
not living here within and as breath of live as who I really am.
Thanks,
Juraj
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