Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 35 : The girls – The love – The deception

                In my life, I became very young interested in girls, I say very young because it started somewhere when I was 5-6 years old, I became fascinated by beings as opposite gender, the shapes of faces and I didn’t understood at all why some certain shapes of girls I like and some not. That was the first point I recognized as likeness or not likeness, the faces.

                The sexual excitement I started experience very probably the same time, and I had no clue what it is, what this energy means, and how come that I experience it, obviously I liked it as it was something entirely new for me.

                As the years passed, many thoughts, many ideas and believes about girls emerged within me, connected to bodies of girls, of their expression, the girls was the point why I wanted to be better, in meaning, how I was as a male thought to behave and how or what I should be as a male, according the patterns I saw during my childhood.

                I realized there was one very specific girl in my life when I was a teenager, I was 16 years old, and I was on my holidays at my grandparents place, for me it was place of living my “freedom“ as with my cousin we spent all days together, with his friends and basically we created something like group of young boys and girls which we spent time together, for me it was amazing time as I was 500 kilometers far away from my family and thus no one of them knew what I do, how I do and why I do thus it was for me freedom from all bounds of family members, from all restrictions and especially from my father and mother.

                There was the place where I started to smoke and enjoy it, there was the place where I started to drink alcohol, but alcohol was not so enjoyable for me because of consequences on my body, and also I started to date with “my” first girl in my life. From my perspective, it was that I can do everything what adults do, that I am free to do this things and not one shout on me or wants to prohibit or direct my actions. Thus I enjoyed the time there, and all moments, sitting near the fire at the midnight and observing the stars, with girl nearby me and can touch her, kiss her, speak with others and experience this feeling that I love her, that what I experience as energy within me towards her is love, I thought it is love, I believed it is love, she attracted me and this attraction I called love, the thoughts about her, the imagination about her, and the desire to be with her to experience this love was very prominent feeling within me.

                To this I attached sexual fantasies towards her, as I was virgin that time thus I wanted to experience everything between male and female, each kiss, each touch, each looking to her eyes was for me like ecstasy, I was fallen in love towards her and each my action on that place became directed by this love.

                I liked her face, her hairs, mid long khaki blonde, her eyes looking into my eyes, I liked the shapes of her jaws, her nose, I liked her body and her breasts, I was looking upon her and I placed her on pedestal within me in my mind, and I started to adore her, completely blinded to everything, as all what I was able to see was she. I was frustrated when I was not with her, each moment I want to be with her, and everywhere we went I wanted to hold her by hand, as I was proud that I have girlfriend and that I experience love towards her and that she likes me also.

                The world seems to me like amazing place, because of my falling in love towards her. But the beauty of the world, and the beauty of love started to be a horror, after I received the message that she actually has a boyfriend, which I was not aware of previously, and I was shocked, I was simply destroyed. I couldn’t understand how come that she has a boyfriend but started to date with me, how come that the words she spoke towards me as that she like me that she even was able to say that, when she has a boyfriend. How come that she cheated on him, how come that she kissed me, touched me, or spent intimate time with me in bed, we just do not had sex together.

                She said that she will break that relationship with him, that it is no more about love, thus she started to date with me because he was on other place during that time, thus I started to ignore that she is still in relationship with other male, and I started to again enjoy the time with her, but also I started to see her boyfriend as my enemy, as someone who should not be here, as someone who should not exist, because he is the prohibition of “our” love to remain.

                When he came, and our all group was outside, I saw him to kiss her, and she did nothing, said nothing, he was not aware she has anything with me, the experience I had, it was like someone penetrated myself with the knife, through the centre of my body, I felt completely deceived by her words, I couldn’t believe that she is able to deceive such way. I believed my love, our love and here she destroyed it completely, I thought it was real, I trusted her, I trusted my feeling and my mind, I thought it was real and that love will remain. I didn’t want to finish this all what I experienced towards her this way, I didn’t want to give up my love towards her this way.

                Next day as we spoke together, she said that she will break up the relationship with him, that it is just matter of time, that she likes me, thus I again started to believe in “our” love and that we will overcome this together and that we will remain together, that distance between us what will be will not destroy our love, and that we will live together, I wanted to marry her.

                I was deceived by my feelings, and I was not able to see it, I trusted this energy feeling so much, that everything I did was just for sake of this love. I was fallen in love, fallen on my knees within me, I was praying to god to remain our love, to make this horror finish that we can enjoy ourselves together. I pushed on her many different ways to break up that relationship, I used everything possible towards her in regards of love I experience towards her, as I was destroyed already within me, and fallen.

                I still trusted that we will remain together, thus when I came back to my hometown, month which I spent without her was like horror for me, attending school was absolutely boring, as I still had her in my mind, her face, her body, the memories of her and everything we experienced together, thus I wanted to prove to her and to myself that our love is real, but I had no money to come to see her again, because of distance.

                Thus I sold my walkman, to get money, as it was only one thing I had that time, because as a 16 years old boy I had no job thus no money, and for this money I bought train ticket and went to see her for a weekend.

                During the way to her place, I spent all time basically in my mind, thinking about her, how we can communicate everything, how we can continue with “our” love, I had many ideas and believes how we can continue to live together, mostly non realistic but through my love I saw it very possible. I was sure that distance and time had no play when two beings really love each other, thus for me it was simple.

                When I came to the village she lived, the first persona I met was my cousin, as it was very early morning, he was shocked that I came, as no one knew that I will come. He asked me why I came, I told him to see her. He said me, that probably thus I do not know what she did, that she burned all pictures we had taken where we was together, and I was shocked and do not wanted to believe it, as I took it as that those pictures as prove that we are together, and how come that she burned it, I didn’t want to believe that she possibly really wants to stop speak with me, participate with me, love me, like me, be with me.

                Thus I went for her, her parents told me she will come, I was absolutely nervous waiting on her, various different feelings/emotions/fears/desires emerged within me, but when she came I was shocked. She asked me, what I think about myself ,that I will come during summer to her village and destroy her life and her relationship? I couldn’t believe those words, as I didn’t wanted to destroy her life, as I believed our love, and I was shocked about her blaming me for various points, not seeing herself in this all.

                The world I created within me mind was destroyed, the ideas and believes I had was destroyed, the vision of our life was destroyed, the love I experienced was destroyed, the enjoyment of myself was destroyed, only ruins remains within me.

                I remain to stand but totally ruined within me, shocked, felt to be deceived, it makes no sense to me, nothing makes sense to me, and I just wonder how this is all possible.

                Thus I left next day to my hometown, and nothing was like before in my life, the pain I experienced within me day by day, started to diminish overtime, the thoughts of her started to fade away, but everything of what I experienced during this summer remained within me as me and became part of me, thus this became direction of my life, where overtime I experienced similar scenarios with the girls, and absolutely not aware, that because of this my first experience with that girl.

                I can’t blame me, I can’t blame her, it was what I allowed and accepted to live, to speak, deceived by feeling of love, where it was just energy created within me, and my likeness of this energy.

                I am not “proud” of me, how much times I deceived myself and others as girls with this my feeling of love, attraction, as energy experiences within me. But it is done. It was never real love, it was never real as real expression of me, it was never me as who I am, it was always just energy.

                And everything what happened in my life, lead me to this point, to see and realize, what I allowed within me as me and how I allowed to be directed by this experiences stored within me as memories, where this all became my unconscious living, not seeing, what and why I am doing what I am doing.

                I just repeated my memories, in sake of wanting to fix this my first falling in love. Here, as I wrote all of this, I am surprised, bit scared about this all what I allowed in my life, but also I see, that it is the moment when I can release myself to live and repeat myself as memories, but take direction and direct my life.

                Live the memories, or choose to live here. That is quite interesting decision.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness of the shapes of L’s face as likeness towards her hair, her eyes, her jaws, her body and her breast, her expression, as an energy feeling and connect this energy to my sexual desires and thus create within me the energy experience towards her and thinks and believe that this energy experience towards her is love what I am experiencing thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to make this love real through my words and my actions of being with her, taking pictures with her, touching her and kissing her in believe that what I experience she experience as love and thus we will remain together in our love thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that what we experienced together was love, instead of realizing that it was just energy play out between us as likeness thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me positive energy connection towards her and through this I allowed myself to live within and as my mind as energy not expressing and living myself at all, just following the energy within me thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that when I will lost her that I will lost my love as our love and thus I will not experience love anymore towards anybody thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate her with everything possible just for my desire to be with her for sake of experiencing energy as love towards her and energy as sexual desires and believes of excitement as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to ignore that she is in relationship with someone and wanted and desired to get her and see her boyfriend as my enemy as someone who should not exist and as someone who should die and diminish thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to see her boyfriend as a persona which stand between us and between our love I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to abuse words of love and likeness towards her just for sake of remaining with her and be with her in believe that what I experience towards her is love not seeing that I am fallen within and as my mind and just following my program or energy play out of the mind as positive and negative thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be sad and experience sadness when she broke our relationship and when she burn all pictures take and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to felt be deceived by her and her words, her kisses and her touches and with her all presence thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me negative energy experience within me when she said that it is over and not wanting to see and realize that it is end and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the frustration, anger, anxiety and fear towards word love and love by itself as not seeing and realizing that it was just my creation of energy within and as my mind through my allowance and acceptance within moments through believes and ideas about love thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that love have to be or is energy experience towards someone thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to abuse my energy experience towards other being just for sake of maintaining myself with this energy and getting this energy for myself as ego, where I allowed and accepted to be directed just with energy not seeing and not realizing that I am not direction but energy and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became the deceiver because of energy experience within me and deceive myself with this energy into falling and blindness and thus diminish myself and my self expression here, remaining as living memories of my falling in love as energy and just repeating memories and living memories and not living here within and as breath of live as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj


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