When I felt within me the energy
towards a girl, I thought that I am the one who have to prove to a girl, who I am
as male, to show her who I am in front of her, and wait for her decision if she
wants to be with me or not. It was like,
here I am in front of you, I am fallen in love towards you, and it is your
mercy if you take me or not, it is your mercy if you would like to be with me
or not.
I placed myself as less than
thus I perceived it as a mercy, I thought that it is a girl which should decide
if she wants to be with me, not seeing who she is, not seeing what she live,
not seeing what she believe and not carrying who she is, just for sake to be
with her and fulfill my inner needs for this energy I created and allowed within
me, as this energy I perceived as love.
The friction and fear that she
will possibly reject me, the fear that she will not like me, the fear that girl
I stand in front will let me be and thus I will remain alone with my love
towards her. Love goes hand in hand with fear, and nothing of that is real, as
love as energy equal fear, constant fear of being rejected and left alone, not
seeing myself within this and my value, not seeing myself in this play out,
just asking for mercy, praying for mercy to be together.
First girl in my life, as I was
around 8 years old, when I saw her, I became immediately “drunken” by the
picture of her, my legs trembles in front of her, I am shy to speak with her, I
started to hide immediately within me to not reveal and to not show what is
going on. I couldn’t understand what it is I experience, a energy within me raised
immediately and I just shake. I shake, my hands, my legs, I am unable to speech,
I hardly move, I am uncertain. I feel the attraction towards this picture in
front of me, I feel that this picture I like, the eyes and hairs I see, I am lost.
When you notice me, I am shy, I am
shy to look into your eyes because maybe you will see that I am lost already, I
lost myself in the picture and the eyes which are looking on me. I lost myself
through picture I see looking on me, I fear this picture looking on me, I fear
this eyes and I tremble. The energy within and as me is immense, my heart
beats, my pulse is rising, I am unstable. Why? Why this? How come I experience
this? What it is? I do not know, I do not understand, uncertainty within and as
me.
I would like to tell you, I do
not know what to tell you or how. I fear to speech. I know where you live. I am
looking upon you when you look on me from the balcony you are. I am looking
upon the balcony each time I pass around, I am looking upon if she will notice,
when I see you look on me, or you notice me, I am pleased, the energy within me,
the thoughts, I would like to be with you, just in your presence, maybe I can
kiss you, maybe I can hold your hands, maybe you would like to be with me. I
thinks I have to prove to you who I am, I am young boy thus I ran, I ran and I jump,
the constructions around, I just jump to show you what I am capable of, I ran
to show you how strong I am, I am like in zoo. Like the animal in zoo
presenting to you who I am and what I am capable of, as I lost me in energy
experience I feel towards you. I am blind already.
I do not see who I am anymore
here, I do not see myself anymore, as I look only on this energy, what I experience
when I am noticed by you. I do not know a shit about you, I see only this
picture and this eyes looking on me and I am pleased as I think and believe you
like me, maybe.
I want from you, to save me in
my feeling, to say you like me, to say you would like to be with me, to save me
from my own uncertainty, I am separated from you, I see you as more than me as I
lost myself, I lost myself as who I am, but you are doing nothing, I desire to
be with you, I desire you, your movements when I see you, I am amazed, your expression
I am “drunken”, your hairs, so beautiful, so dark, you eyes, you have to dark
eyes, this eyes when look on me, I am trembling just as I see you see me, I am
nervous, I am sacrificing myself for you and your eyes I see, and the hope and
the idea that you will probably like me is moving me towards you.
Each time I see you, I desire
you and at the same time I am shy and hidden, as I do not understand, that it
is only energy I allowed within me, to ignite the hope, the idea about you and
me, the projection of me and you, I see you as only one I would like to be
with, I see you as the only woman from all women, as what I experience is only towards
you, not realizing how I fucked myself in this.
You allowed me to came to your
home, we sit together and we speak, child speech, about school, and I count the
stuff in your place, I want to make myself interesting, I want to show you that
I am worthy your attention, as I lost attention towards me and I stop seeing
me.
Once, we stand in front of us,
you speak something and you are rejecting me, I am young boy and I do not
understand why you speak what you speak, why this, anger ignites within me, you
laugh on me and I do not understand. The anger in me, I took you by shoulders
and throw you on floor. I am shocked what I did, I am scared from myself, I regret
what did and I regret that moment, as I see that I throw you away from me in
anger, as anger, because you laugh on me.
I stand upon you, and I speak to
you – you deserved this because you laughed on me. My ego, I acted as ego of me as male as the
male which is strong and when ego is hit thus ego act, I acted towards you to
show you who is stronger, who can throw you away, as I do not wanted to allow
and accept that you rejected me.
I regret what I did and I see no
excuse within and as me, as I would like to excuse what I did, but I can’t , I feel
guilt within me, that I throw away my love, the only girl I loved, the only
girl I was looking upon, the only girl I wanted to life for, as I lost myself,
as in anger and as anger I did this.
I said to me, I will never ever
allow myself to hit the girl, or throw girl away, or in any means hurt a girl, which
I hold all my life. But as a ego, I wanted to be the one who is rejecting you, I
couldn’t stand you are doing this to me, that is why I did it, I wanted to
excuse it that you deserved it, but it was because of my ego, as I couldn’t
handle that within moment of hearing such words, that it is real and what I hear
from your mouth is true.
I felt sorrow and I felt shame,
guilt, I will not more be with my love, I will no more look into your eyes, I will
be no more noticed by you.
I pray for your forgiveness, I prey
you to forgive me, but you are silent. I judge me, I judge myself but I pray, I
sit and I pray. I lost myself as I do not get your forgiveness, I do not
understand how come all of this happened, why I allowed all of this, what is
going on within and as me, I desired you, to be in your presence, and
everything went wrong way.
I would like to fix it but I see
it is impossible, and the years over years I keep you within and as me, I keep
you inside me, I enslaved myself to this moment, to this regret and sorrow, to
this pain inside me, as I never experienced such energy towards any girl and I was
looking everywhere, you was the only one, thus the believe that I lost my love
forever come to place, only fear remained within me, regret and sorrow, I asked
you for forgiveness, but you remained silent. And your silence and your no
answer tortured me, punished me, as I tortured myself and punished myself.
I was 8 years old boy.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that
energy experience, trembling, shaking, nervousness, anxiety and fear are real
experiences and that I allowed to connect this experiences towards the picture presentation
of a girl in front of me, towards the eyes and hairs, towards the face and when
I noticed that I was noticed by this girl.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that
what I experienced towards girl when I was eight that it was love towards her
not seeing and not realizing that it is just energy experience and not real
experience of me, and thus I do not realized that through this I allowed to
lost myself within and as this energy experience through believe that this
experience is me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be in presence
of a girl when I was eight, to think and believe that I need to be in her presence
to think and believe that I need and require to be noticed by her, and because of this I allowed to enslave
myself into and as energy experience of the mind, thinking and believe that
this energy I require, think and believe that this energy is love, thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and
as me the opposite experience of this love as fear, as fear that I will lost
this love and that I can love only you this way and think and believe that it
is only you I can love in my life.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to experience guilt, sorrow
pain and shame when I thrown you away at floor and thus I forgive myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to pity myself for what I did, that I allowed
and accepted to me to acted as a hurt ego of me as male, where my very inner
desire, want and need was not fulfilled but hurt, thus I allowed and accepted within
and as me anger towards you because I feat to be betrayed thus I forgive myself
that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to show you who is stronger,
to want to show you that I am male and that I can do it and that you are too
weak to resist me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to harm you are a act of hurt
ego where I separated myself from you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pray you for forgiveness
and pray you to save me from my regret and my sorrow, to pray to take me back
as a very desire to be with you, as the energy experience I believed is
experience of me, I perceived as love and thus believe that this love is
real ignited within and as me, where I lost
myself and I separated myself from you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pray you to save me as I lost
myself within and as energy I allowed and accepted within and as me thus I
forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to looking upon you
and place you as more than me, and that I adored you and perceive and think and
believe that you are more than me, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed
and accepted to myself to want and desire to show you as a male what I am
capable of, that I desired from myself the make a point of your interest as I lost
myself within energy I experienced within me, I forgive myself that I have
allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be noticed by you and desire to be
touched by you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to believe that only you can
save me, that nervousness, fear and anxiety I experienced within me are real experiences
of me, not seeing and not realizing that it is energy experience of the mind I allowed
myself to define myself into and think and believe that this energy is real and
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see you
equal as me and see myself equal to you.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that you
are the only one girl I will love ever, as the energy experience within and as me
I believe is real love towards you, and thus I forgive myself that I have
allowed and accepted to myself to feel guilt, regret and sorrow when I hurt you
as a act of ego, as a act of my dominance over you where I couldn’t stand and
understand that you reject me and not like me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hurt you as a act of ego
where my ego was hurt by your words and I felt betrayed by love I experienced within
and as me and betrayed by you and thus ignite within and as me the anger
towards you and within and as this anger to hurt you and through this I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to regret what I did, to
judge myself for what I did, to torture myself and punish myself , that I hurt
everything what I loved, not seeing and realizing that everything of this was
energy play out within me as love-fear, ego as male dominance and energy as
sorrow, regret, shame, guilt, nervousness, uncertainty.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I am
doomed forever as you didn’t forgive me that what I did, and thus I will have
to pay forever for this very act and that I will have to remain in sorrow, pain
and doom of me till the end of days.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want and desire to be save
by your forgiveness but torture myself because of you silence.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hold myself into a picture
of you, into a energy experience of likeness and perceived love towards you,
towards the dark brown eyes of you, you dark long hairs and the picture I saw
in front of me as energy experience towards this picture, and from this derive
the fear, sadness, sorrow and nervousness.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wait on you, to wait on
your forgiveness and thus wait on myself and wait on me forgiving me what I have
done and experienced within and as me, that I have allowed and accepted to lost
me within and as energy experience in believe that it is real experience of me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not live myself because
of waiting on you and you forgiveness for that what I have done, not expressing
myself here and not living myself here but waiting on a day when you will come
and forgive me what I have done.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as less than
a woman because I hurt you and thus perceive myself as unworthy, because you
rejected me and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to
myself to think and believe that I have no value because I was rejected instead
of realizing and seeing within and as me the energy payout which took place.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from
myself in front of you because of very allowance and acceptance of energy and believe
in this energy and thinking that this energy is love and that I need it to live
and not seeing myself equal to you and you equal to me.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to adore you because of
picture I perceived in front of me, to adore you because of your eyes and hairs
and because of desire within and as me to be with you, instead of my being with
me here, in and as my breath, equal and one to you and see you equal and one to
me as life.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to adore you because you was
the woman and I judged and perceived woman as the gender which should be taken
gently, behave towards gently and thus judge myself because I hurt you.
Thanks,
Juraj
No comments:
Post a Comment