As a young boy, I had some “eating
disorders”, in meaning, that I experienced pressure in my stomach, I do not
liked to eat, and meal came to me sometimes hard to eat, because of this
experience, as I do not understood why I experience this, what it is I experience,
it was pain, pressure, all in stomach region.
I was in constant anxiety and
fear, why?
Once I sat at home, looking into a plate with soup, and just thought came
up to my mind – Why the fuck I have to eat again? Why everything is repeating?
Why everything goes over and over and over?
Why I
experience the same stuff again? Why everything in our family is always the
same? I feared my father, I feared to be at home, I was anxious when I was at
home, dictate of my father, rules and strict going according rules, eating what
was on schedule, I was never allowed to eat what I wanted, I was pissed off to
be at home.
I do not
liked to be at home, I do not liked dictate of my father, I do not liked to go
according rules and schema what and when I should eat, what I was allowed to
eat and what not, fucking retarded dictatorship. I feared to remain home, I had
to submit to every bullshit around what others wanted, but what I wanted no one
cares.
What I experienced
no one cares, how I see the things, my questions, no one cared, I was just a
child and thus I could shut up and follow.
I liked to
be outside, to play there, where no one dictated me how I can play and with
what, where I should go and so, I liked to be alone, I liked to simply be alone
where I could enjoy what I wanted without any demands, rules, restrictions,
outside was my world I liked, at home was world for me like horror.
I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to perceive and judge word home as negative and exist within and as mind judgment
of word home in separation from me.
I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to fear to be at home and experience anxiety and fear while being at home,
where I had to submit into rules of family, schema of functioning of family and
demands, orders and restrictions applied within family.
I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to perceive and judge my family while living as a child within family as a
place where I fall, where I can’t express myself, where I can’t live, as a
place where I can’t stay and thus perceive home, family, people within family
as negative and rather run away from home and enjoy being outside and exist
within and as polarity as negative/to be at home and positive/to be outside.
I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to feel insecure, anxious and fearful while I lived within and as family
member, where I had to submit into a rules of family, thus I forgive to myself
that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge family members that they do
not allow to me to live, that they do not allow to myself to express myself and
speak, instead of realizing that it is me who have to allow myself to live, to
speak, and express myself thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to live in constant fear of expressing myself, of speaking
myself, of enjoying myself at whatever place I am.
I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to do not like to be around family members and around my parents, where I separated
myself from them and create within me as me the negative energy charge towards
them according my perception, judgments, the forced submission and applied
restrictions on me, where I rather run away from home and create within me
likeness and positive energy charge towards outside environment and thus
enjoying rather be alone with me where I could live and enjoy myself, and thus
exist within and as polarity of the mind as be at home / negative and be
outside as positive.
I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself
to think and believe that when I am at home thus I have to submit to restrictions
and rules of family and thus think and believe that I can do at home only a
certain things and repeat them over and over again and thus create within me
anxiety, boredom, fear and insecurity of being at home and look upon of being
outside, imagine of being outside, desiring to live outside and go out, where I
could be alone without any rules around me, where I could move how I wanted and
go where I wanted, with no one around to dictate me what I should do, how I should
do and when I should do or what to speak, or even communicate, thus I forgive
to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the
likeness to be alone and be alone with me with no one around and fear anxious within
inside environment where I defined myself into and as energy experience as
anxiety, fear and insecurity as my EGO, and thus from this wanted to experience
the other polarity of this as enjoyment, freedom, doing what I want not seeing
and realizing that all of this is just polarity play out of the energy
movements within and as me, where I defined myself as EGO as anxiety,
insecurity and fear and thus desire to experience joy and loneliness not seeing
and not realizing that all of this is of the mind, and I am not the mind thus I
forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within
and as mind design of positive/negative instead of living me, expressing my,
voice me, in and as breath here, within and as my body, equal to my body as
flesh, equal to my environment here.
Thanks, Juraj
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