Within a lot of different
situations in my life, when I “felt” to be hurt, hurt as a EGO as only EGO can
be hurt, or attacked, or abused, or used, or everything which hit me within me,
I wanted to revenge to persona whom directed this points on me, as I took it
personal.
The revenge of the EGO, as me, I
wanted to direct back towards such persona, to show them, that they will not
fuck up with me, to show them who I am as EGO, who I am and what I am capable
of, how much I can hurt them back, how much I can harm them, to scare them, but
by paradox, I never did.
It was always in my mind, the
thoughts how I can direct things back on them, the constructions of situations,
what I can use on my advantage, how I can make them less than me because in the
moment I felt hurt I was less than them, as I placed myself in such way.
Interestingly, EGO, and existence
as EGO, is inferiority, but acting out seems to be very dominant, secure,
strong, powerful, and it is just polarity, where one as EGO as energy
fluctuations within are not understood thus acting out is direct opposite.
And thus acting as ego is
interesting, where inferiority wants to be replaced by superiority, but it is
still the same, just perception is changed according such events, where self
move from point of being inferior to point of being superior, not seeing that
how fucked it is, not realizing how irrelevant, selfish, illusionary such
acting is, as it has nothing to do with real situation as EGO is blind, EGO do
not see a shit as it is impossible, as EGO is limitation to such degree, that
one can have open eyes, but is blind.
When and as my mind, I wanted to
act the way against people as revenge of the EGO, and I didn’t, thus over time,
which was from 1 day to weeks, I always realized how “stupid” such acting is,
how useless mess EGO create, how I can involve myself to extreme bullshits.
Revenge, is separation, revenge
is judgment, revenge is blindness, revenge is desire to kill oneself in
separation from self, revenge is not valuing self, revenge is not valuing life.
Revenge is fear, fear is
illusion.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to act as revenge of
the EGO towards myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that
Ego as me is insecurity, anger and fear and thus when I wanted act such way I was
insecure, fearful, and angry towards myself.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the thoughts as “ I’ll show
him” I’ll show her” “ they will not fuck up with me” “ they are assholes” “I’ll
strike back” “ I’ will destroy him/her” “ I’ll make them less” “ I will do this
or that” not seeing and realizing that
such type of thoughts comes from my own insecurity, my own inferiority, my own
fear, my own anger towards me where I exist in separation from myself and thus
want to direct towards myself the opposite of my experience and thus make from
myself more and superior to balance myself instead of realizing that my balance
is my breath here, that my balance is not in the mind within and as
inferiority/superiority, that my stability is in physical within and as my
body, equal to physical here, in and as my breath.
I forgive
myself that I haven’t allowed and
accepted to myself to see and realize that EGO is always polarity play out of
the mind, where self moves from one energy polarity to another energy polarity,
not seeing and realizing that me as self, that I am responsible for such energy
fluctuations of creations and allowance such energy in me, not seeing and
realizing that it is not my real experience of me, but experience of the mind
as energy where I allowed and accepted to myself to split into two parts of
polarity as inferiority/superiority instead of find my own stability as
presence of me, myself in and as breath here, in physical, in flesh as that
what is here, as that what is stable and thus stability of myself.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel insecure, imbalanced,
fearful, not stable, angry not seeing that through such allowances I am
allowing to live as a mind, as a system, as a program of energy creation
through very thoughts as “ I’ll show him” I’ll show her” “ they will not fuck
up with me” “ they are assholes” “I’ll strike back” “ I’ will destroy him/her” “
I’ll make them less” “ I will do this or that” and thus project my actions to
the future as revenge of the EGO towards myself, where I allowed exist as
separated entity of the mind as EGO, limited, fearful, insecure and imbalanced
energy fluctuation not seeing and realizing that it is not real experience and expression
of myself here, but living in and as mind, thus I forgive myself that I have
allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind entity separated
from my body, from my breath, from physical as that what is here, instead of
remain here with my breath, here with my body, here with my surroundings as
physical word around me and stop living in past/future projections of EGO as
energy as selfish addict on energy.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior
towards specific females and males and thus support my Ego and support my
living as EGO, where from my own inferiority I allowed and accepted to live in
fear towards myself, not seeing everyone equal to myself and myself equal to
them thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to
separate myself from other human beings through living in fear and insecurity
as EGO, not seeing and realizing that EGO is not real, that EGO is created and
fabricated according energy allowances within and as my mind according memories
I lived and according emotions/feeling I allowed and accepted myself to live
and thus living myself just as a reflection of my past, not being here with my
body in and as physical, equal and one.
I forgive
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist as reflection of my
past as mirror of energy I allowed and accepted to myself to live, not seeing
and realizing that through this very allowance I separated myself from what is
here, I diminished myself and placed myself as inferior, where the memories of
me and energy attached to this memories became my direction and my living, not
expressing myself here, not living myself here in and as physical, but just a
illusion of the mind as idea and believe, what I should be, how I should behave,
what I should experience, not realizing that everything of this is just energy I
became addicted onto, addicted on my mind, addicted on mind to tell me what to
do, how to move, how to behave, how to speak, what to speak, where I allowed
and accepted to my mind to be my direction, my savior, my god, my higher call
to say and speak to me what and how I should live, what life is, what things
around me is, instead or trusting my breath, instead of trusting physical, instead
of trusting that what is real, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and
accepted to myself to place my trust into a illusions of the mind as energy and
not trusting myself as physical, as breath here, as my own stability and
presence within and as world I am.
Thanks,
Juraj
