Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

                I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

                The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

                I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

                The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

                The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

                Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

                I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

                Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

                When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

                Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s  are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

                I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

                Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

                Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

                When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

                The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

                I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

                By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

                I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

                This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

                 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.

Day 160 : The origin

Recently I realized on specific fear which I was not able comprehend when I was young, energy movement within me, not understood, not seen, not solved. The fear towards the money, fear as energy within and as me, fear as experience within me as how I got those money, judgment of such act, judgment of me, and hiding me  and hiding money, thinking and believing that I can’t reveal that I have those, how I get those, and obviously fear as consequences of me being truthful, and punished.

               

                In this, the energy I experienced has been suppressed, forgotten, and me separating from such energy, in absolute blindness what this few moments in my life, will bring me to the future. I was 8 or 9 years old boy, and the journey of my life, directions, actions, has been written already, by this fear, and it was just one of many.

                The moment I realized the origin of this fear, I became sad and the sadness is me. Sadness because of where this fear led me, sadness because I was not able to see that, because I separated myself form such energy, and once I became one with this fear, I saw far back to my past within few moments, I saw me experiencing this fear as young boy , and points written above. What I created, what I accepted that moments, changed my life and lead myself where I do not wanted to be. Sadness as a realization of such events which took place, and the seeing how everything could be different entirely once I would be able to understand such fear that time, to see , realize and comprehend what it is within me, what and why this movement happened, what it means, and what could be possible consequences. Even I had no understanding that time that consequences will be really rough. It was impossible.

                Within this, I looked back and how everything could be, if I would get real support of those around me, but each one was blind and deaf the same way I was. It was impossible to be supported, it was impossible to assist me, support me, as everything around me served only one point, to brainwash me, to blind me, to deceive me, and mostly that what I experienced and separated myself from.

                The origin of fall is separation, and the separation if fear. I never lived anything else, just this two points, separation from everything in existence in fear of myself. I separated from energy movements I experienced as a young boy, and I suppressed them even I do not notice I am doing so. I had no idea what I am doing, why I am doing and what are mechanics to do so. And those points, became covered with so much bullshits around, that many times I tried to see what it is, I was not able. Interestingly, because I realized, that separation is the problem of solving such energies within me, and each moment I was able to became equal with accumulated energy within me, and it was always fear, I was able to see clearly and directly all relevant points how, when and why I created such energy experiences within me.

                Those cleverly suppressed, I was bullying myself around and desperately trying to solve, but with no success and each time with bigger and bigger fall. The mechanics of dimensions interconnected within my mind, and the points and how each one has relevance to each other, and this interconnectedness of this points with such energies, many times makes me believe that it is impossible to solve it and became truly free from such deception of me I became.

                Each moment, each reaction, each thought, each energy and my self definition, served me well to be deceived, and I took it all, and I was so young.

                How could I see and realize, what the road of my life will be, as I lived in absolute blindness of that what is going within me. I even do not understood that I am able to see into me, as I thought that I have to look outside.

                And yet, I became a bit angry and I am angry of all parents within this existence, you have no idea which road you are creation in front of your children, you are absolute blind what you are saying to your children, what you words will create, and how you will kill everything of innocence of your child, just for your fucking ego. I became angry of all being within this existence which dare to bring children here, without real knowledge, without seeing and understanding what it means to support children, and I became angry as you dare to say you love your children, but you are fucking liars as only what you love is your fucking ego and your own fucking bubble made up of believes and ideas but anything real? No.

                And you dear parents, you have no idea what your children will have go through and what your children will became slave into, and you dear parents are directly responsible for everything your children is and will became. There is maybe zero probability that any of parent will see and realize that what you are in fact doing, is enslaving your children, killing and destroying everything your children as innocence of life is, because you are already dead and thus you want to kill the life, free life in front of you, because you believe, you are doing that for goodness of your child, but actually, you are just fucking ego maniacs, with no common sense, with no compassion, with no understanding, just thinking the ideas and believing what you are doing is good. And you will defend your right to abuse your children, to lie to your children, to manipulate your children, and you will protect this because you thing that this children belongs to you and thus you must to have right to make slave as you are just a slave lost in dogmas and believes about yourself, and yet, you even maybe to be proud of, that what will you children became, is actually dead zombie seeking and searching just for energy as you are.

                Yes, this is the circle of parenting and children’s in this world, and no children gets real support for life, and this is sad as the most way sad could be.

                I came through this, and there is no child in this world, which deserve your bullshits to bullied, there is no child which deserve you dogmas and you torture with your judgments, orders and requirements, no, no one.

                The separation I became living, is always based on fear, even separation from the fear, me as the mind, me as the breath, me as the body, I will bring back together everything of me I am into quality and oneness of me. I bring myself back to equality and oneness of me, and that is the road of my life I choose for me. No one will stop me, even me not.

                I choose for me to live me without fear, without fear of me.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 159 : Who I am, Who I became, Who I will be

                I am not able to express and write or speak who I am as I am not able to describe who I am. I am not able through words describe me, what this me is. I can’t define who I am and I can’t determine this me. As I am here I can walk my inner bullshits and sort out my demons, and maybe finally to get to a point to deal with the demon of me as mind I became.

                I have to say, that I was surprised, what I saw within me, as me, what is part of me, and what eventually was as me or me as that all the time but I was just not able to see within me all this shits deep within.

                To uncover the thoughts, and what thoughts represent is from certain perspective simple, yet mind as me, me as mind is trying to hide the truth of me each time I see within.

                And yet, once one stop to judge that what is real within, I was really surprised about myself. There is nothing like positive energy, positive thoughts, or positive attitude, nor negative or that what should be presented as negative. Nope. As me, in me, there is specific point, and that I my dear ego.

                My EGO, me as the one who stand separated from everything and everyone, and anything which exists I simply deny through and as my ego. Me as ego, is that what is true face of me, and yet I never said to anyone, what I see within and as me. Maybe this is not necessary anyway, as each time I let something go thus this no more direct me, determine or define me, or better say, I do not consist and exist as that point I solved, and what I solve and what I walked for real simply never came back.

                But what is still coming back, is simply me as the ego as eye, as how I see myself and everything else separated, and that way I experience myself, just here within and as my body, to certain level my body as I am not able to put my head down and say that yes I am equal and one with my body, as this is simply nonsense, as I am not aware of my body so much stuff, that this is now irrelevant to solve. Yes the touch, almost all of those I make I am aware, once breathing and focusing on this, but my body is not just that. Each cell and each atom, molecule my body is made of, I am not aware at all as I am separated from everything my body exist as, because the energy influences I accepted to separate myself from my body. Even so, the level of awareness of my physicality goes into a point of me breathing, and the touches I made, but everything else, is simply hidden because of the ego I became.

                The ego of me, and what I walked, and what starts to unfold within and as me, what I started to see, many times I was firstly ashamed, I felt guilt of me, surprise and wonder how come this is me, how come this exist as me, how come that this is in me, as me. How come that I am this and how come that I exist as this. And always I have to search back within my life to see the relevance of past moments I accepted myself to create and based myself on.

                The ego I became, the ego I created, the ego I am, is to the most level possible influenced by pictures of my environment, as simply I believed of anything which pictures presented to me and I forgot to ask the truth behind, as each picture carry the truth behind but the picture is not this truth by itself.

                The very reason, the very fact I am able to see this world as pictures in front of me, is learned because others told me so, and I accepted those words from others and thus I became this believe, this believe in pictures and that world exist as this pictures. But the eyes, mislead very well, as I used my eyes to see as mind thus as the one point of me, one singular point of the eye of me as EGO I became.

                And the eye of the mind, the eye I am as ego as me, is not the space nor physical nor anything, just this one point which exists as pillar of me I became that, as believe I am this one point I see world and others and everything which is here.

                This one point, because I became this ego, is simply the bubble of me, where everything serves as protection of this self created bubble, and me as the ego, is hijacking everything around to protect this, this ego as me, is sabotaging every way possible everything to sustain itself, me as ego is so fuckingly scared to give up this ego, this bubble, that even to myself it seems impossible to give this up.

                But the perspective of my life, and the ego I created as me, is heading to one certain point, certainty of this point, which will come as inevitability is death.

                And the death by itself, is only one point I am absolutely sure that this will happen, and I have no doubts that I will die. What will come in my life, what I will face, what will be the stuff I will have to deal with, everything of this is to certain level placed already, as I created the consequence of my life and thus this is known, but the many possibilities which will come as well are unknown and hidden and to certain level determined by decisions I will make.

                But, again, anyway, simply do not matter which decisions I will make, and what will be outcome of this decisions, and what consequences I will create or stop, everything I will do, speak, write, will lead me with absolute certainty to the point of death.

                This point of death of me, is the point of my last breath I will breathe out, and in and as this last breath I will die. Within the moment of me dying, the ego I created as me will cease to exist, no matter how much I tried to protect this, as I am aware that I will have no longer have access to memories as past moments I created myself as.

                Within this, what I am as ego, is simply, maybe sad fact, but not real. I am not real. I live in self delusion of me, created because of that what I lived, and who I am as life, is forgotten.

                And maybe the most sad fact is, that the existence of me as ego, is because of one point and believe, that me as the mind, is more than life.

                Me as mind, me as this one point, I fall into and as believe, that I am something more that life, because of believe that I exist, but this existence I call myself, are just activated memories of my so called life I accepted myself believe as, and this fact, is simply not sexy.

                I thought to myself to be superior over the life, but in fact, it is way around. I am absolutely dependent on my physical body, and subject to my body, and I exist as this one point within and as the mind, as EGO.

                And this one point I became, is demon I am, demon I became, demon locked and imprisoned as the mind. Everything else, are just relationships towards this one point I am.

                Within this, I am interested, if I will be able to give up this me as demon as point I defined myself as, because so far, I am not able to see into such depth of me, because, there are lot of things to sort out at first.

Thanks, Juraj