As
a child I have been thought about Jesus and god and all that stuff, as I grew
in “average Christian family” where my father was the one who had the main word
in means, how our family functions, what is followed and why.
For
me as a child, the Jesus was a son of a god, and I had no idea who this god is,
or what god should be, but I could see in church the Jesus as a baby under Christmas
tree, and I had the knowledge about Jesus and his life and what he thought
other people. For me, Jesus was the one who was showing people how they should
live, according the words of love, love of the other people even the enemy, and
what love means, and that we all are equal as god as him, therefore we should
love each other equally, and do not live for material things, as do not live
for golden statuses, and everything that bullshit stuff which is daily
promoted.
My
basic seeing of the Jesus was through love and his words of love, as equality.
As I was attending the church those days, the procedures of eating the Jesus at
the end of each ceremony took place, and I liked it from perspective as symbol of
eating Jesus flesh transformed symbolically into this little waffle which is
used in church. I understood the Jesus as being the flesh, being in everything
the flesh or matter is thus me being part of this all through this ceremony.
Once
as a child, when I received this small waffle from the priest, I took that out
of my mouth and put this waffle into my “praying book”, which I had as a child
where was all the songs and stuff around religion, thus I placed that waffle
right into the middle of the book, for me as a child seeing this as act of having
the Jesus nearby me, as I was having this book in my pocket of my winter
jacket, and thus I was as a child satisfied that I have a Jesus always with me
and that I do not eat that waffle rather keep it sustained with me. My
perception of this, was simple and innocent, according the way how I understood
and saw the Jesus as persona what he lived.
I
didn’t see anything wrong in such act, just having the Jesus, this little child
as me with me. Days start to pass and I continued to live my life according
everything which has been normal that time for our family, till the moment of:
My
mother is calling me into a hall, the entrance room of our flat, where our
jackets has been placed, and she is holding my praying book in the hands,
opened in the middle and that small waffle is there, and she call my father.
She is showing him this, and I just stand and look on the situation, still in
my naïve innocence that I did nothing wrong. My father enters and he taking the
book, and he is asking me, what it is and from where I have this. I am saying
that in the church I took out this waffle and put it in this book, thus it is Eucharist,
as called in Christian religion. I am still looking onto him, as I am quite
small against him, my mother still stand nearby, suddenly, the eyes of my
father changed. He is taking the tool which he used to use as “educational stuff”
just for the purpose to beat me, I am like frozen within me, as I am not quite
sure why he is doing this, and he is asking me, if I kneel down each time I came
to my jacket, as a symbol of honor of Jesus or god, and I am saying no, as I
saw this as very unpractical during various situations. As I said that, the
eyes of my father became so strange, the anger and hatred towards me I saw in
him, and he started to beat me frenetically with that tool, through all over my
body, through my ass, legs, through hands, body and I just experience this big
pain all over my body seeing him screaming madly that no one will make fun from
the god. I am shocked, surprised, I tremble and I feel this pain, I see my
father in desperate anger towards me, when he stopped, I cry, I cry as my body
is in heat of pain, I am touching my body wanting to make this pain less, and I
hear him that I will go to confess from this sin because I dishonored god.
And
my trust and believe in Jesus and his teaching has been broken and shaken completely,
how my father can speak about god and love and Jesus, if he dare so brutally
beat me just because of me wanting to have this Jesus nearby me? My father know
nothing about love and Jesus and god, he do not know a shit about life, he is
defending his illusion and his projections of god I dared to violate by my act.
I look on my mother and I see her as a traitor. I saw her as a mother; loving
being of me, but everything changed as I asked why she called my father and
showed him that, I see her that she betrayed me by calling my father.
How
can my father or mother love me, if they allow this? How can they do this and
on other hand promote something else? My father is no more my father and my
mother is no more my mother, as they do not love me and they do not see me as a
child, they do not see me, they see only their illusions and their believes,
they do not know and see who I am here, they have no idea why I did what I did
and they both beat me in fury and desperate anger, no matter that mother was
just looking on this, she was the same way in this like my father, she do not
stopped him.
I
realized that what my father live is fake and also my mother, and they broke in
me my innocence by beating me, they broke my seeing of Jesus and his teaching
as I see they do not live his words, they are not able to recognize what love
really is, they have no idea what is equality, they do not stand for that, they
speak something but do something else, I never forgave this. I never forgave to
my father this and to my mother, they was blind in their actions and I separated
from them even more.
The
way of my revenge started the revenge to show them who they really are, and
that they do not live what they say. Despite the fact that as a child I understood
equality quite well, this has been diminished completely as because of Jesus I was
beaten by my the most closest personas, which was my father and my mother. I
started to live the road of revenge, ingrained in me, within me, and doing the
opposite of suggestions of my mother, rebelling against everything which my
mother represented and father as well. I knew my time will come when I would be
able to revenge to them and they will see how mistaken they was. And this was
no more only about them, but about everybody who claimed something, but lived
something else, my revenge became against all and everybody who speak something
but do something else. The revenge I became was me, I revenging to all directly
to their face, showing them how deceptive they are, how much they lie, my life
became revenge in various forms, in various ways, and as time has been passing I
became always satisfied with the outcome of time by itself, when I saw what
life brought to the life of those I was revenging against.
My
father has been dying in the agony of pain of cancer, and yet I wished him to
die as I saw that as a only point how he can go out from that misery as I never
believed he will be cure but I do not cared about him. Really, I saw
satisfaction in his position and where was his god? Where was god to help him,
to give him love and cure him? Nowhere, his god let him dying in brutal pains
for a long time, until his body became so exhausted of this cancer that could
not sustain itself anymore. And I do not give a fuck, why I even should I? Why I
should give a fuck about him after everything he did to me? I never took hand
on him, I never screamed at him, I never said how he should live or what she
should do, I never beat him, and he? How many times? And these beings have no
authority to claim to be my father and I do not see myself as his son anymore, or
son of my mother. I asked many times, who is my father and who is my mother
then? Who it is if these beings treat me such way? They are not. And the way of
me being alone here, living alone with my revenge towards all, busy as I do not
wanted to follow what they live anymore, and the revenge became ingrained within
me as me, I am this revenge I am living it, I am becoming this as the years are
passing I see more and more lies, more and more deception, I see only people
which are fake from top to the bottom, no one is living and no one is my
friend, no one is my companion as I am alone with me with revenge I have to
accomplish, I need and I have to, as this is my purpose and the very reason I live.
The
point of revenge became transformed into everything I did, spoke, and I was not
able to see me in this, as I became it.
Thanks, Juraj
