Day 32 : Everything is wrong

                Yesterday, I became experiencing the things, like everything is wrong. Myself to be wrong, things around me, people, literally like everything is wrong. By paradox everything was on its own place as always, I was not able to see what it is I am experiencing, or why.

                Hours passed and still, this experience, I focused on my breath, not able to stop or change this experience of myself, and then I realized, I am waiting, not directing myself, I waited on outside stimuli and this outside direction was not coming.

                I realized, I have to direct myself no matter what I am facing, what I am waiting for? That someone else will direct situations?

                Direction Is never about waiting, as this waiting is waiting on me? I waited on me to take action and do what was required, and as I stood and start to direct situations everything became fine, in work, also the search for new flat, at the evening was resolved and done.

                And the experience of myself, to be wrong disappeared and I could enjoy my presence and the words I spoke as the evening and weather was so fine, and I had so calm moments.

                Never wait, if you wait things will never come, rather stand up and direct and act. I am learning this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wait on myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wait on myself to stand up and take action, to wait to stand up and speak, to wait to stand up and do what is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wait and think and believe that when I will wait things will happen instead of realizing that it is me who should direct situations and myself and make things happen.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to doubt and wait if I am able to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to doubt about myself and my capability to take action and do or speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to doubt about my actions and words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to participate within and as my mind on doubts about myself and therefore became waiting persona who thing and believe that things will happen instead of stand up and make things happen.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself within and as doubts about myself and doubt if I am able to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my abilities and skills within and as doubts about myself and therefore not effectively directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by the mind by the doubts about myself and about things I see and realize.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit and diminish myself and my self expression here within and through doubts about myself with thoughts within my mind as “ I am not good enough” I can’t do it” I can’t direct”, I can’t speak” and through this allow and accept to compare myself among others and thus diminish myself and not value myself as who I really am as life thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to direct myself and to fear to direct my words, my questions equal and one.

I commit myself to investigate the points I separated myself from and thus allowed and accepted to myself to wait on myself through points I separated myself from.

Thanks, Juraj

Misinterpret misinterpreted

            Recently, I was blamed that I lied when I provided certain information to one persona. I didn’t. I was sure that what I am telling is true. I was sure that I am just passing what I was told thus I can’t lie. It was not so.

            I asked question, the reply was not direct answer to my question but I within my mind took it as it was and thus I believed what was told was direct answer on my question.

            I was asked this information and I provided it to other persona, and this persona blamed me that it can’t be true because the guy who provided this information couldn’t say that.

            I asked him, how many times I can do specific thing, he replied that each time I came. Thus I interpreted this as ok, if I came more than one time I can do it therefore more than one time. This makes sense.

            In the question was missing one the most important word – day, per day, how much times per day. According rules they have, it is just once per day. Thus I was not aware of it.

            Thus I was asked why I am doing it second time per day, as I came second time that day, and I said that I was told this information thus I am doing it.

            Conflict arises and I was blamed as liar. Actually, I didn’t lie.

            Then I realized, it was me who asked not direct and not specific question, thus the answer which I get was also not direct and specific.

And within this, I took it as valid answer and therefore misinterpreted what was told, and I created conflict just because, I did not ask directly at first. Second, I took something which was not valid answer on what I wanted know as valid and acted according it.

After that entire scenario, I discussed this with persona I had conflict with, that it was just misunderstanding and misinterpretation.

            I realized, how crucial is to keep track with what was said and not shape any word or words spoken, how crucial is to speak directly and ask directly, with required specificity to avoid possible misinterpretation of the words or to avoid misinterpretation of the meaning which one asked or replied.

            How many conflicts I could prevent, how much I created just because I was not direct and specific with my words?

            And this just show, how easy it is to complicate things, when one do not direct words in required specificity, when one shape things within own mind or do not take attention of words spoken, or make assumptions.

So I stop this.

Thanks, Juraj

Temptation

                 I saw in front of me the persona lost 50 euro and thus money on the floor. In the very moment like war within me ignited.

                Take this money, no one will know, you can do it no one will notice, my mind says. I searched within me the possible outcomes of this action, it will be safe or not? Will someone notice or not? Are here cameras which could reveal this?

                I let go this questions and I did not searched answers.

                All of this, happened, within few moments, just seconds passed and I turned towards this persona, took the money from the floor and gave them to this persona, with just saying – “You lost the money”.

                And that’s it, just simple action, and within this action I changed myself and I changed the direction and the outcome and the perception not only for myself but also for persona which lost those money.

                After this my body tremble little bit but I was proud of me, and I see that to overcome the temptation can be easy, just breathe and act.

Thanks, Juraj