Day 29 : Do I exist ?

                 Today afternoon I fall asleep and I woke up probably after 1 hour, at my surprise I woke up in fear, with fear as fear. The very question I searched why, why it is and how even come that when I go to sleep, that waking up is in fear, as fear, and why the fear as emotion is like “ hunting “ me for several last day.

                Then when I moved out of a flat, I was like not completely awaken, but awaken at the same time, strange, and as I moved, and walked, the question and as a fear came up – Do I exist ?

                Yes me as a body , the body exist, I can be sure that my body is real, but the question was connect towards me as am I ? Do I exist as eye ? Do I exist as I ? And this eye as I of me as a mind is self made construct, creation of myself according perception, thus why the fear if I exist as I see that it is not real ? Did I thus created within me the relationship to this I as a believe that I cannot live without I ?

                The body as a flesh, apparently can exist without I as the illusion of me witch I defined myself into, but the fear if I exist came from nothingness I experienced as me, to experience me as nothing as no existent nothingness, but as I am nothing thus I exist ? is therefore nothing nothing ? Or this nothingness is by paradox everything as me who I am ? thus I am as nothing but I still exist ?

                How I can be as nothing and exist?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that if I am nothing thus I do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the nothingness as nothingness of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I can exist as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear me as nothing as no experiences of energy of the mind as no experiences as positive and negative, no self judgments and no polarity of the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to cease to exist as a mind and fear to let go myself as definitions within and as mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 10 : Blood is on my hand

                The river changed color, the water became red as the innocent children, men and women fall into a river, with heads shot right through. Their bodies remarkably tortured, punished, the screaming of voices in pain, dying in agony of war, echoed from rocks in surroundings.

Dying by hands of ignorance, dying by hands of those who refused to look, dying in name of God, for high purpose, for money, for power. I am one of those who just looked.

Thousands innocent people killed in most bizarre scenarios, the pain resonating in the earth and the earth is taking their bodies as they came from earth.

The rain washed the blood and the wind silenced the pain, silence on battle field took place, I just looked. I looked on the agony, suffering and horror which has been created, the question raised.

When this will be stopped? When I stop? This has not been enough to see and realize what I created? When the man will stood up and declare that the mankind will no fight each other anymore?

When the man, will see and realize, what the man is really doing? Killing the life without any movement within, without mercy, no regret and no shame in the man, as the man stand on battle field blinded by the glory of victorious war. But what the man actually won? Has been anything won? Just another torture all around, another war, just more pain and more.

Is the man strong enough, to suppress it and deny? Is the man strong enough, to stand and see directly what the man created?

How long, this will continue? How long and how much people must be killed for man to realize, that inevitably, this simply must end?

The man has beginning and the man has an end, will the man realize?

I looked and I say, the world we live in is insane, man is insane and the man is the most dangerous species on this planet, and what the man is doing must be stopped, who will stand up first, the planet, or the man?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the fight to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war exist as attempt to kill life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war exist as ego and competition where the winner get all as victorious and defeated are doomed and tortured and have to submit as slaves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create from competition ego and from this allow and accept create war.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to kill others in various ways to make them more suffer, to feel them more pain, and to get them down in deeper agony.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to attempt to kill life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to attempt to kill me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want destroy life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be blind to that what I allowed and accepted toward life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept war as valid point how to get resources which belong to other country.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept war as excuse of economic growth.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize the pain, suffering and dishonor towards the life created during the war.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war to exist as manifestation of abuse of life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight for victory and do not look on consequences which this victory brings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight for glory.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight for being noticed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight as attempt to make myself more than what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight as manifestation of ego superimposed on sexuality and sexual fantasies and desires.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight as point of getting sex.

I commit myself to investigate each point I allowed myself to fight and stop.

Thanks, Juraj