Day 19 : Me as My father

                You are as your body, that what was real on your dead for quite some years, you as a system still live multiplied in your children.

                You live in me as I copied what you have became and you are rotten in my cells, in my veins, in me as me you as that what you presented to me and what I saw in you.

                I placed you as the statute, as the authority in front of me and I created likeness within me towards you, I allowed and accepted you as me, your behavior I copied and I placed you as my god.

                Your mannerism, your speech, I admired you as my father, as my god and I trusted you within innocence of children, I took for granted your words and even what you believed I tried to copy and follow your believes, I placed my trust to you and I followed.

                You said there is a god and that god is love. Bud you dare to acted the way as direct opposite of love. How dared you to even spoke one word of love to your child, when your actions was so different?

 I found there is no god and I found there is no love, even here on earth love is bullshit spoken be people in absolute deception of themselves, as they have no idea what they speak as you had no idea what you spoken.

You loved your god, you loved your illusion of god more than your family, you loved your deception more than your children and more than you woman. Isn’t that quite great perversion? To speak about love in absolute self deception and “ love “ own illusions more than what is real as flesh, as life as that what stand in front of you and look upon you?

You dared to teach your children, and you dared to insert your believes into them, you dared to destroy innocence of them just for sake of following your own illusions. By paradox, you was absolutely innocent in this as your children as you have no idea what you speak and why you speak and why you act the way you acted. You was just system, programmed to follow as everybody else, programmed to follow the mind.

I created within me the likeness towards you, as you was the one who I was looking upon, but I saw that the way you acted was unacceptable, I was not able to stand up to you as I was just a child, thus I suppressed within me everything I allowed and accepted to copy from you and I decided to act and live as opposite of you.

By paradox I became the same system as you as I was not aware why I act the way I act, why I speak what I speak and why my believes, desires, needs direct me. I just became the polarity of you, what I saw in you as bullshit and empty words. I became you just as a opposite of you thus you lived in me as me as that what I copied from you into me as me.

Thus I didn’t lived me, I lived just you as opposite, everything programmed within my flesh as automation to live differently. The illusion of different living, as I do not lived me as who I really am, I wanted to prove to women that man can be gentle, can be respectful towards them, can hear them and help them, and never harm them, but anyway it was not me as living flesh but just programmed opposite of you. In my flesh is stored who you was, in my mind is all of you, everything you became and allowed, I saw you within me and everything of that what I saw as unacceptable, I wanted to live as opposite of you, to live differently and wanted to prove that male is able to be good partner but all of that was not me as who I really am.

You continued to live within me as me as I liked you, but I dare to stand up and I dare to let you die as I dare to let die everything I copied from you thus I dare to die me as a programmed opposite of you. I dare to let die me and you as one as we both became the same system, and I am not respectful to the system as system is not life as system can’t be life as life is that what is free and system that which want to imprison the life.

I dare to stand up for life and let go that what is just program and illusion, as I realized that it is not real and not worth to live, thus I dare to let go the past and everything I created within me as reflection of you is going to cease to exist, nothing of you and me as opposite polarity will remain.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from my father through placing him as more than me and looking upon him as my god.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my father in moments he raised his voice and became angry.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to copy into me the mannerism of my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like my father and positively charge the way how he behaved as I place him as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that my father was more than me and that I have to follow his word and his believes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to take for granted the words my father said and believed his words.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to act as a opposite of my father as a polarity of the mind as wanting to prove that male can behave towards woman differently than my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live polarity of the mind as bad and good where that what I perceived as bad I copied from father through likeness towards him and suppress within me and wanting to act as good as polarity of him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge my father and judge his behavior towards my mother and the females as bad.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge the words and actions of my father spoken as bad when he became angry and when he became violent and harmful and thus create within me the opposite personality of him and wanting to act and live as polarity of him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to admire my father and look upon him as the one who is more than me and the one whose words are true and must be respected as authority thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that my father was more than me through accepted believe that he as a authority must be respected.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to positively charge the behavior of my father and create within me positive charge towards him as authority and statute in front of me and think and believe that it is right to live as he live and do not question his words for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the relationship towards my father and through this relationship copy his believes into me and his behavior as my pattern.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pattern my living according my father because of likeness towards him and wanted to live differently thus create within me the opposite character of my father as want and desire to prove to myself that I live differently, instead of realizing that this is just opposite polarity of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wanting to prove to myself that I live differently as my father by creating opposite character of him and thus believe that I live differently.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to prove to myself that male can behave differently towards women as my father and thus create the opposite character of him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blame my father for his behavior towards my mother and did not stand up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to negatively charge the behavior of my father towards my mother and suppress this within me and I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to negatively charge the behavior of my father when he started to scream, be harmful towards me , my mother or my siblings and suppress this negative charge towards him and from this create the opposite character for myself as want and desire to prove to myself that male can behave differently towards female because of blaming and judging my father for his behavior as bad and negative and thus wanting to act and live as positive and good.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to follow the words of my father because of believe that he is more than me and thus his words must be true.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to believe that when I create within me opposite character of my father thus I will prove that I live differently than him instead of realizing that it is just polarity of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that through creation of opposite character than my father I am living the mind and not myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that through living the character as opposite than my father I am not living myself as who I am as life but just following polarity of the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 18 : Secret mind – so secret that even I didn’t saw

                The secret should be something that no one knows, that no one see, only some specific persona, group, etc. according specificity of the secret be itself, as it should remain hidden.

                Thus I was always in believe, that secret mind is something which I am hiding in front of others, and thus do not want to share or present, today I realized, secret mind is what I do not want to reveal to myself.

                To present something to others or not is mainly point of fear, hiding etc, as some other components are obviously related to this, but secret, what is therefore my secret?

                What is so hidden within me, what it is so suppressed that I didn’t wanted to see and turn blind eye on that for all costs? What it is, really, that I protected that secret in front of myself so perfectly, so deeply, even I am surprised that I was able to hide stuff within me in front of me so masterly.

                Last moments, day or two, my mind became really furious for energy, what started coming up within me was a bit a shock for me so I started apply SF points as I didn’t wanted to create some great mess as I was aware that if I will follow those points mind showed me it would lead to disaster for myself in certain manner.

                I was surprised by violence of that points, the nature of thoughts which ignited within me was by nature extremely ego oriented, selfish, spiteful, harmful, all for sake to get what mind simply require, energy.

                I was not aware that this I carried within me through my life, thus I became curious, as I walked to home, I simply asked loudly the very question. From where this came, when and how I captured this?

                My Father, was immediate answer from my mouth. The very observation how my father behaved, how was his attitude towards women, what he did to me or how he behaved. I captured this and connected energy to this points and suppressed over time so perfectly that I didn’t even knew a shit that this is part of me, as all of that I covered with other stuff and thus wanted to shape my behavior according society accepted manners, male female behavior mainly.

                As my mind tried everything to get me to that points, and get energy, as I applied SF on that points, which was quite extensive, the nature of thoughts start to shape and like backdoors opened to manipulate me anyway to do what mind wanted.

                I tried to be with breath and apply SF but still, something within me, which I still couldn’t see, something, very secretly hidden.

                As I was on the bed, and I took breath in, the words: I like it, emerged.

I realized, the very definition of myself in regards of that points, how when and why I allow to my mind to get energy, is likeness created through acceptance of my father as statute, as figure in front of me, as accepted behavior, as that what I saw as a child, as that what I copied from him and created likeness as it was my father and he did things that way so I liked it.

And this likeness and acceptance of this likeness of those points became my living, by paradox absolutely unaware what the fuck, and why the fuck I like it. From that likeness I created desires, wants, needs and thirst within me to get what I like, but most of that points I suppressed because of nature of that points as I didn’t want to allow act that way, but by paradox it was/is still part of me, doesn’t matter that I didn’t lived it out as I carried it within me as part of me.

I saw, how I shaped some specific things exactly the same way as my father and acted the way how he did, especially towards my mother. From this, what I saw in front of me, as behavior of my father and mother, complex entire network emerged within me through my life and became me, I created that points within me, I connected it, and be paradox wanted to act opposite way as my father and mother, possibly as attempt to fix that what I saw between relationship of my parents and the points why their living, as two beings together should never happen.

Thus my behavior so deeply influenced by this scenarios between my parents was set up like this, copied from father how male behave towards female, but wanting to fix it so suppressed and created complex new persona as part of me which acted towards women as exact opposite of my father.

Thus very mind polarity definition, one behavior copied and created likeness towards it, but seeing that it is bullshit thus acting all my life as opposite of it.

What I lived in relationships? Just attempt to fix what I saw within my father as bullshits behavior towards women.

It was never me. It was never self honest. It was never living me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to copy behavior of male from my father and create towards behavior of my father likeness as authority where I placed him as statute in front of me and thus define myself according this behavior and through this accept and allow to myself to create energy within me as likeness of my father.

I commit myself to investigate the relationship between me and my father, each point I copied from him and release myself from these memories.

Thanks, Juraj