Day 39 : Love the fear

                I have been molded by creation of fear, I created that fear and I allowed this fear to mold me, to shape me, to define me, to imprison me.

                I created fear as I separated myself from myself, and the origin as me I perceived as something other as the second point I created.

                I forgot it was me who created this separation, I forgot it is me the second point I separated myself from.

                I created inequality through separation and fear, I forgot how I created it and I remain just as this prison of me as me standing alone and looking, observing, wondering how come things works how they works. I forgot myself as creator and I forgot my creation as the responsibility I wanted to shift on some other being thus God was handy one who could be blamed for, as what has been created is  

“ madness “.

                The madness I created and I didn’t want to look it was me who created it, the madness I observed I did not want to stand equal with, as I lost myself within my creation and lost the solution for myself and others as me.

                The reason for separation is simple, not wanting to take self responsibility and not wanting to stand up for myself and for others as me.

                Thus everything what remain is me and my fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to love my fear and define myself according fears I experience in believing that this fears are real as expression of me here, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I am so week to break through my fears and that I can’t stand up through my fears and that I have to remain within the boundaries I created for myself as my fears to remain enslave and imprisoned and never realize who I am as life and never see who I am as life thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to stand up for myself in all aspects of me equally and for others and wanting to stand alone from everything in existence as not wanting to take my self responsibility for that what I created and wanting and desiring to have someone who I could blame for this creation thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to created within me the idea of God as higher entity who should be blamed for as the all knowing being which loves all and that the wish and will of this being is directing my life and life of others through the saying – Gods roads are blind and erratic and thus allow to myself to fall into a following the ideas and believes about myself and world I live in I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the entity as God as my idea of higher being which knows all and thus I do not have to take responsibility for that what I create thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my idea about god in believing that I will be punished when I will not pray to this god and when I will not follow the written order of this god which has been presenting to me not seeing and realizing that it is just trap for myself to do not stand up for myself and blindly follow the system as my god thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see and realize that here is no such higher being who creates but it is me who creates through my participation in this world, through my words, my action, my movements, my thoughts, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see and realize that each one word I speak have direct consequences on all existence as me and that each action I do have consequences on existence and each my thought has the same consequences thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not want to be responsible for myself as the creator as consequences I see are madness in this existence thus I do not want to take responsibility for this madness but rather remain separated from myself to have some point I could shift the responsibility and blame and thus make from myself more and good thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see and realize that everything what I created are consequences of inequality I lived through ego within and as my mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not want to take responsibility for the system of inequality I created and bring here equality of me as myself as living word and for others, where all being are treated and considered equally thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear myself because I fear to be equal with myself and stand up equally for all thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear equality of me as all parts of me which exists are considered equal and stand for them equal within principle of oneness and equality.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 23 : Fear of change – Let go and change

                Next point as fear I am facing, is fear of change, I see lot of times I denied this fear or was not aware that this energy experience is this specific fear, interestingly it is here right after fear of unknown, thus fears by itself as quite interlinked.

                Why I fear to change? This is quite interesting because I am aware that I can change and I proved to myself within lot of points that I changed thus those changes was beneficial, it was not “tragedy” to push myself and simply let go.

                Here this fear is linked on very specific issue as postponement, procrastination, laziness, thus energy polarity of positive and negative together with my working on my 8^th assignment, I am lax, I do not want to go into specificity of the points I am working on, I resist to go to really very details of it, I am aware I can do it, but I do not want.

                I built up within me quite strong resist to go really to very specific details within self forgiveness, as I see that within this I’ll change and I am not aware who I will be.

                It is ego point, where I see that within this I will have to push myself and stop and let go part of my personality/character as energy play out of positive/negative through postponement, procrastination, laziness, not wanting to work on that into details as perfection and thus resist to work on myself, look and see within me where and how I can work with me to release myself from patterns which serve me for nothing, but from certain perspective I like it as this brought me this illusion of security within my mind creation of this persona/character.

                Why to fear to change the points I am facing? Why to fear to work really with discipline and self-commitment, why to fear something, as this fear by itself is just illusion? Why to fear as this fear is just energy produced and stored within me, thus why not to release myself from this energy? It would be maybe the coolest thing I can do for myself.

                Did I created even likeness towards fear as energy experience within me? Did I like to fear? Did I like to remain trapped within illusions of mind as mind by itself is illusion, thus fuck the fear is bigger illusion than the mind. Can be some illusion bigger and some smaller? Depends, as I see, how much I defined myself into it, became one with that illusion, and thus live that illusion. Thus who I am?

                Illusion. Thus stop it , get rid of it, and became real. Living in fear is not real living, it is just character, mirage, it is not who I really am as I am life here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change as fear of who I will be when I will change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to step out of fearful persona/character of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experience as fear of change is real experience of me, and thus feeding my mind to keep me trapped within my own creation as fear of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not allow to myself to work on self forgiveness into details and ensure that I am satisfied with my self forgiveness as point of my self perfection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change and change into perfection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to be disciplined within my application of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feat to change the persona/character as fear of change as I created likeness towards energy experience of the mind as fear not realizing that within this very allowance and acceptance I am remaining trapped within and as illusion of the mind as fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself with energy experience as fear of change and fear of unknown and thus do not apply self forgiveness into details as I see and realize that I can do it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my writings and my self forgiveness within and as fear of change and thus allowing within me back doors why I can step back and remain as character/persona living in my mind not realizing that within this I am allowing and accepting self sabotage of my process and my walking of my application and my standing up and thus compromise myself and within this compromise others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live and became fear of change character and persona and through this energy experience and likeness of this energy not considering others, their time, their application and thus postponing and procrastinating that what I can simply do thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me resistance to apply self forgiveness into specificity and details as open back door within me and excuse why I can remain trapped within and as mind and thus compromise my application of self forgiveness and through this compromise others and just prolonging my process instead of simply standing up, be with and as breath here and do what I have to do which I see and realize I have to work on as and within my application and walking and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compromise my standing for life and through this giving power to my mind to keep me trapped within illusion of fear and thus giving my mind power to distract and abuse, instead of realizing that life is the only value.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 22 : Fear of unknown

                I am facing very specific fear, fear of that what I do not know, fear of unknown, fear of who I am without the projections created within my mind, who I will be or how things will go or take place, as I stopped create within me the future projections to a certain degree.

                Interestingly, the fear emerged, as I do not know how things in my life will go to the future. Energy experience within my body consuming me whole day, paralyzing, fear. This is quite interesting as there is no relevant point I should fear, as never exist any relevant point why to fear, or why to fear that what I do not know. I just do not know, see, that’s all, nothing else.

                I have to push myself through the fear and do that what I fear, to step to unknown, as I fear that what I do not know I have to step to that and see and realize.

                I used to be comfortable with the illusion as security of the mind as thoughts, projections, ideas, the false security which minds provide, and here I am “losing” this comfort of my thoughts and of the creation of reality as projections and ideas as I am focusing to be here and not in the mind.

                Simply, I do not know how things will go to the future and future is not created, just it is only me and how I direct myself, thus is fear is fear of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear what I create.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear unknown.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that what I do not know how or what I will create.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to believe that this fear of myself is real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that this energy experience of fear of unknown is real experience and expression of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience of myself as fear within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as fear of unknown.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not realize that fear by itself is just mind creation of energy and self definition towards and as this energy as fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that any fear is just illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that any fear is simply not real, not real expression of me of who I really am as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let fear direct me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be paralyzed by the fear as energy experience and believe that this is real experience of me.

When I experience the energy creation within me as fear, I breathe, I focus on my physical body and I forgive to myself the point I see within me I fear and I let go.

I commit myself to investigate within me the points I fear and forgive to myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 19 : Me as My father

                You are as your body, that what was real on your dead for quite some years, you as a system still live multiplied in your children.

                You live in me as I copied what you have became and you are rotten in my cells, in my veins, in me as me you as that what you presented to me and what I saw in you.

                I placed you as the statute, as the authority in front of me and I created likeness within me towards you, I allowed and accepted you as me, your behavior I copied and I placed you as my god.

                Your mannerism, your speech, I admired you as my father, as my god and I trusted you within innocence of children, I took for granted your words and even what you believed I tried to copy and follow your believes, I placed my trust to you and I followed.

                You said there is a god and that god is love. Bud you dare to acted the way as direct opposite of love. How dared you to even spoke one word of love to your child, when your actions was so different?

 I found there is no god and I found there is no love, even here on earth love is bullshit spoken be people in absolute deception of themselves, as they have no idea what they speak as you had no idea what you spoken.

You loved your god, you loved your illusion of god more than your family, you loved your deception more than your children and more than you woman. Isn’t that quite great perversion? To speak about love in absolute self deception and “ love “ own illusions more than what is real as flesh, as life as that what stand in front of you and look upon you?

You dared to teach your children, and you dared to insert your believes into them, you dared to destroy innocence of them just for sake of following your own illusions. By paradox, you was absolutely innocent in this as your children as you have no idea what you speak and why you speak and why you act the way you acted. You was just system, programmed to follow as everybody else, programmed to follow the mind.

I created within me the likeness towards you, as you was the one who I was looking upon, but I saw that the way you acted was unacceptable, I was not able to stand up to you as I was just a child, thus I suppressed within me everything I allowed and accepted to copy from you and I decided to act and live as opposite of you.

By paradox I became the same system as you as I was not aware why I act the way I act, why I speak what I speak and why my believes, desires, needs direct me. I just became the polarity of you, what I saw in you as bullshit and empty words. I became you just as a opposite of you thus you lived in me as me as that what I copied from you into me as me.

Thus I didn’t lived me, I lived just you as opposite, everything programmed within my flesh as automation to live differently. The illusion of different living, as I do not lived me as who I really am, I wanted to prove to women that man can be gentle, can be respectful towards them, can hear them and help them, and never harm them, but anyway it was not me as living flesh but just programmed opposite of you. In my flesh is stored who you was, in my mind is all of you, everything you became and allowed, I saw you within me and everything of that what I saw as unacceptable, I wanted to live as opposite of you, to live differently and wanted to prove that male is able to be good partner but all of that was not me as who I really am.

You continued to live within me as me as I liked you, but I dare to stand up and I dare to let you die as I dare to let die everything I copied from you thus I dare to die me as a programmed opposite of you. I dare to let die me and you as one as we both became the same system, and I am not respectful to the system as system is not life as system can’t be life as life is that what is free and system that which want to imprison the life.

I dare to stand up for life and let go that what is just program and illusion, as I realized that it is not real and not worth to live, thus I dare to let go the past and everything I created within me as reflection of you is going to cease to exist, nothing of you and me as opposite polarity will remain.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from my father through placing him as more than me and looking upon him as my god.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my father in moments he raised his voice and became angry.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to copy into me the mannerism of my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like my father and positively charge the way how he behaved as I place him as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that my father was more than me and that I have to follow his word and his believes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to take for granted the words my father said and believed his words.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to act as a opposite of my father as a polarity of the mind as wanting to prove that male can behave towards woman differently than my father.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live polarity of the mind as bad and good where that what I perceived as bad I copied from father through likeness towards him and suppress within me and wanting to act as good as polarity of him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge my father and judge his behavior towards my mother and the females as bad.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge the words and actions of my father spoken as bad when he became angry and when he became violent and harmful and thus create within me the opposite personality of him and wanting to act and live as polarity of him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to admire my father and look upon him as the one who is more than me and the one whose words are true and must be respected as authority thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that my father was more than me through accepted believe that he as a authority must be respected.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to positively charge the behavior of my father and create within me positive charge towards him as authority and statute in front of me and think and believe that it is right to live as he live and do not question his words for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the relationship towards my father and through this relationship copy his believes into me and his behavior as my pattern.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pattern my living according my father because of likeness towards him and wanted to live differently thus create within me the opposite character of my father as want and desire to prove to myself that I live differently, instead of realizing that this is just opposite polarity of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wanting to prove to myself that I live differently as my father by creating opposite character of him and thus believe that I live differently.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to prove to myself that male can behave differently towards women as my father and thus create the opposite character of him.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blame my father for his behavior towards my mother and did not stand up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to negatively charge the behavior of my father towards my mother and suppress this within me and I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to negatively charge the behavior of my father when he started to scream, be harmful towards me , my mother or my siblings and suppress this negative charge towards him and from this create the opposite character for myself as want and desire to prove to myself that male can behave differently towards female because of blaming and judging my father for his behavior as bad and negative and thus wanting to act and live as positive and good.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to follow the words of my father because of believe that he is more than me and thus his words must be true.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to believe that when I create within me opposite character of my father thus I will prove that I live differently than him instead of realizing that it is just polarity of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that through creation of opposite character than my father I am living the mind and not myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that through living the character as opposite than my father I am not living myself as who I am as life but just following polarity of the mind.

Thanks, Juraj