Day 22 : Fear of unknown

                I am facing very specific fear, fear of that what I do not know, fear of unknown, fear of who I am without the projections created within my mind, who I will be or how things will go or take place, as I stopped create within me the future projections to a certain degree.

                Interestingly, the fear emerged, as I do not know how things in my life will go to the future. Energy experience within my body consuming me whole day, paralyzing, fear. This is quite interesting as there is no relevant point I should fear, as never exist any relevant point why to fear, or why to fear that what I do not know. I just do not know, see, that’s all, nothing else.

                I have to push myself through the fear and do that what I fear, to step to unknown, as I fear that what I do not know I have to step to that and see and realize.

                I used to be comfortable with the illusion as security of the mind as thoughts, projections, ideas, the false security which minds provide, and here I am “losing” this comfort of my thoughts and of the creation of reality as projections and ideas as I am focusing to be here and not in the mind.

                Simply, I do not know how things will go to the future and future is not created, just it is only me and how I direct myself, thus is fear is fear of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear what I create.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear unknown.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that what I do not know how or what I will create.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to believe that this fear of myself is real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that this energy experience of fear of unknown is real experience and expression of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience of myself as fear within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as fear of unknown.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not realize that fear by itself is just mind creation of energy and self definition towards and as this energy as fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that any fear is just illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that any fear is simply not real, not real expression of me of who I really am as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let fear direct me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be paralyzed by the fear as energy experience and believe that this is real experience of me.

When I experience the energy creation within me as fear, I breathe, I focus on my physical body and I forgive to myself the point I see within me I fear and I let go.

I commit myself to investigate within me the points I fear and forgive to myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Allowance of thought

                I saw bus coming and I was not sure about its direction so I guessed and thought – That maybe possibly it will go to direction where I would like to go.

                I was wrong, bus turned different way and my way became more longer, so I had to take bus way back and then from my previous starting point to move to the point where I wanted to go.

                Mind will always mislead.

Thanks, Juraj

Jealousness - Eye of snake

                My day is fast, moment by moment passing and I experienced today some moments I missed, I experienced some as I could not recall when I was doing some steps, I had to bring myself back and look backwards to stick to time, to figure out. I was in mind.

                I experienced jealousness today, just for a moment, one picture I looked on and I had reaction towards, as I realized that I never will look like picture I saw. This is interesting because I do not want to look like fake presentation of someone anymore.

                I do not need to prove my look to anyone or to fit to any idea how I should look and how others should perceive me, therefore I do not need any comparison with anybody and I do not require any idea about myself how I should look, reaction towards a picture, interesting.

                I was jealous because of thought I allowed, that women will never see me like those picture which fit into idea of man looking great, from my perspective.

                I let it go, it is not real anymore.

Thanks, Juraj

Self sabotage and no return

Today morning I woke up quiet easily after 4 hour of sleeping, cool and I looked on financial markets. I placed some orders, made some trades, then on the market the execution of my orders has been completed with some delays and especially my stop orders has been ignored by system and It cause loss.

Whatever, no system is perfect, so I wrote to broker if there is some solution to fix this and pay me the money back. I wonder if broker will be willing to pay me those money back. But after that, as I faced this, I started on markets sabotage myself, the execution of orders, stop losses, simply I violated all my rules, this would not be problem because some rules can be shaped or moved, but problem was, that what I did was simply clear self sabotaging.

I realized this after that happened, because this self sabotage is linked to an excuse that when I have no money, I can’t buy that or that and participate in that or in that, so this self sabotaging has been leading to completing the excuse, why I cannot do something. Simply, to not have money is cool excuse, but perfect fuck up, lol.

Anyway, my loss is not something tragic and I divided the money so this loss is not affecting me in anyway. I can pay everything what I have to pay, and this is cool because I used to trade with the money I could not offer to lose and from that create lot of not necessary mess.

At the evening, I went to shop with electronics to buy camera, to push me to make vlogs also, as I had one perfect excuse why I have no camera but as I described above this excuse is gone now. When I spoke with salesman, the thought in my mind came up “ Fuck I will have to make vlogs and expose everything face to face, ” – like trying to manipulate creation of fear within me to push myself, lol, I noticed it but this is interesting how mind is scared to expose bullshits inside. I want to push myself and will push and will not give up. I have no fear anymore in exposing myself, as it is cool self support and after blogging each day I can see, how fears are gone.

Interesting was, that after those trades, I had some moments like helplessness and thoughts of giving up, but this is so irrational, if all will give up after few mistakes then no change would be possible. 

I realized, that I can’t give up, there is no way back. Way back is closed already.

Thanks, Juraj

Just flow

I noticed, that over time, I put more value towards the folks – Destonians. It is like, you all mean to me more than other “ordinary” folks.

I noticed, that I have within me some fears, especially about Bernard and Sunette, but this type of fear is like, what if they see in me some great shit which I am not aware of and I will collapse. Lol. Or be scared, or ashamed, or something like this, various type of shadow thoughts which sometimes pop-up in me.

Also, because, I see that sometimes when I hear Bernard’s videos, or made by Sunette, that they know more about me than me, and I even never met them of spoke with them.

And from this, I am sometimes like ashamed that how come I didn’t saw this in me, that this is part of me, yes, because in my life I use to investigate the world outside, and not the world inside.

Yet I tried to find the words for that what is within me, but lot of times without success or I named it incorrectly.

And now for me it is like completely changing my vocabulary, as desteni language is clear, and sometimes when I speak with folks which are not involved in desteni, I notice that they do not understand me, because what I speak destonian will see but they not. So this is sometimes for me hard to explain the things in “old” language.

Sometimes, when I hear voice of Bernard, and the things he explain, I can see clearly how the burst of thoughts arise, it is not like 2 years ago, but still some come out, slower like before, like floating within me, some of them I catch and then let go. Sometimes I do not like what Bernard is speaking, because it is clear what he says I am falling in that, sometimes I have no reaction to his words, mostly no, but still there is something within me, which make me react, it is variable.

I am much more stable than 2 years before, as I can say, that time I was like in constant emotional turmoil, now it is very different. I was hidden, now I am able to open up and share myself without anything secret inside, of without any hidden intentions.

I like myself and I am able to enjoy the moments I am here, yet lot of work is ahead.

Thanks, Juraj

Thoughts

I believed that thoughts are me, I trusted them and I followed them. It is not so. I am not the thoughts, I am not the conversations within me, and I am not the voice which used to speak within me.

The voice I followed mislead me, and the voice within me trapped me. I allowed it, I accepted it. So I trapped myself, I trapped me to believe the voice within me is me and I defined myself. I defined myself according words which spoke from me, I judged me and I punished me.

I presented me according judgment of myself, of the polarity, of the desires, of my needs and of my fears. None of them real. Illusions created within and followed, illusions of me lived. Did I live?

How could I lived me and experience me if I follow illusions? How could I experience who I am, moment by moment, if I allow the illusions to lead me?

I was hearing my back-chat millions of times, I believed is me who speak, I trusted that voice behind, I believed that voice is me. It is not.

Based on my judgments of me, my morality, I created personalities within me, 1, 2? No, many and many, worthless to count, as in front of each person my words changed, my expression, I manipulated myself.

Where my thoughts led me? Nowhere, through them I created energy within me, and I defined myself according this energy, based on polarity, on judgment, which one energy I would like to experience and which one not. One as fear, another as anger, another as love or sadness or even joy. And which one definition I lived, that was my experiences, split and friction, constant friction in constant emotional turmoil, many times not noticed what it is what is leading me.

Through the thoughts I created shame within me, desires, I judged what I lived, I feared to speak what I lived, how crazy this is. Worthless, illusions, believed it is me. It is not.

The thoughts deceive, the thoughts lie.

Uncountable how many time-loops I lived, and everything I lived was my mind, following as perfect slave my thoughts, my emotions and feelings, which none of them were real.

The prison of the mind, the bubble of the thoughts. The prison is the mind, perfect, because I believed it is me. How blind I was, how deaf I was.

Simplicity of the prison of the mind is, that it was me who allowed it.

Thanks, Juraj