Day 88 : Relationships – Voice in the head – Thoughts as master deceiver.

                I realized, that over time, very silent, very slight voice, speaks. Within me, to me. In head, as thoughts, thoughts as silent killers of myself. It seems, that those thoughts are valid, as they occur occasionally, the voice, as self talk, as back chat, seems to be valid, seems to have some form of understanding.

                It is not so.

                I realized, that I allowed to myself to hear this silent thoughts, mostly those which reflected my likeness, or those which seems to be aligned with me, me as walking my process.

                I deceived myself with such allowances.

                I realized that this silent voice, I created as to be my guide, as I thought that I need some guidance within me to tell me what to follow. But, in this is simplicity. If I allow to myself to follow, thus I am the follower and thus within this I am just a sheep.

                And what is this slow, silent voice, reflecting about myself? That I like to be deceived? That I allow to myself to be deceived? That I do not have the guts to stand up and simply say no, I do not allow this? Is this because I followed my mind almost whole my life and thus I can’t realize what it is, simply be silent each moment I am?

                The silence, the silence is simply silence, and in this, I see my deception. Because, again, simplicity of silence is, that silence simply is. Thus nothing else just this silence is present within me, and thus it means anything which I allow to move myself, do not matter how valid it looks, do not matter how “beautiful” this break of silence looks, it is my self deception.

                But is silent voice silence? No. It is just silent self deception. It is hidden self deception. It is self deception as master degree of deceptions. Because, it seems, it looks, I am that voice, silently speaking within me. It is not so.

                This fall into self deception of voice in me, I allowed as moments when I fall to mind, when I lost me as breath, even do not matter how much I am with my breath, if I allow to myself to fall into a mind and participate on whatever mind shows me. I see what is of the mind, and can’t deny I started to use my mind as guidance, as I thought that I need some, but within this, I allowed the brilliant system of deception to guide me.

                Whole my life, I lived in deception of me, and after all, I simply allowed to myself to gave permission to genuine mechanics of enslavement to direct me within some points.

                The absolute. This word, when I speak, when I write, when I say to stand up absolute. It is like deep, very deep sorrow, even almost never noticed, almost. It is like crying, it is like praying, it is like looking upon everywhere and try to search and seek anything I could stand up within me, to stand up absolute.

                But this word, what does this really means? Why when I speak this word, in context of standing up for myself, for standing up and simply do not allow to myself to be deceived by my mind, why the sorrow of me resonate within me and tears are coming to my eyes?

                Why?

                I deceived myself with the point of wanting to search for something outside of me I would eventually stand up for, and within this, I denied myself, I lied to me, I forget me as I focused on external points around me, but I forgot, that it is me who is standing up, not for anything around me, not for anyone in context of searching something separate for me I would eventual stand up.

                But it is me, here, speaking as a being that I do not want this. I do not want to live in lies, I do not want to deceive myself and I do not want to be deceived.

                As I see this, it simply means, that I am the source, that I am the power who is able to stand up within and as me, for me, here.

                No one and nothing around me can do this for me, no matter where and with who I am. I am with me each moment I am, this I am each moment responsible for myself to stand up.

                I am responsible for myself to stand up with each breath in, and give up with each breath out. It is only me alone, and nothing in existence can do this for me. It is me here, it is me to remain consistent in my application, it is me to stand for me, it is me to live me, it is me to balance me, it is me to stand here.

                I wanted, the voice in me to stand up for myself, actually I allowed falling each time I participated on this voice, when I gave permission to follow words spoken.

                It is interesting, to walk the process, and to see and realize, what this really means. At the beginning, I was in constant falling, I kept consistently on falling even I had some insights and understanding. After some period, I kept falling on specific points; In those I defined myself and my world the most. Within walking my days, I realized many points and I resolved, and I transcended, and I walked them for real.

                But yes, point by point, I am far away from walking my entire mind. I am far away from transcending my mind. I am far away, because, it is just one moment.

                Everything which actually exists is this one moment. I am going to become this moment. I am going to become the only one moment which exists as me. But first, I have to die, not as a body, but me as EGO I lived for so many years, I am going to kill me, because I see and realize that this me, was and is just illusion.

                It is worth to kill the illusions I became, as within this, I became the illusion, thus illusion have to die to be able for life to be born. To born me as life, I have to kill me as mind. It is just that simple, but one moment far away.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with the silent voice within my head, to hear this voice, and from this create the perception, believe and idea that this voice is possibly me, that possibly I am this voice speaking in my head, instead of see and realize that it is always of the mind, and thus stand up for myself and do not allow to give attention to this voice.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give permission to my mind to deceive me with silent voice and silent thoughts where I created within me the believe and ideas that what if possibly I am this silent voice, instead of see and realize for myself that this is ultimate self deception of me, as I see and realize that silence is simply not presence of anything as words, voice, self talk within my head.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to follow the dimensions of my mind of silent thoughts and silent voice in believing that because this is so silent, thus possibly this could be me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave attention, participation and focus on words and voice silently speaking within my mind, instead of immediately stop and breathe, as I see and realize that within this I allowed and accepted to myself to fall into mind and thus participated on my self deception and thus creating my own self deception.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need some guide to tell me what to do, how to do and when to do, instead of see and realize that any moment I allow my mind to direct me, thus I am just a follower and directive principle of my live, of my words and my actions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t exist without the thoughts which silently emerge within my mind, that I can’t exist here in silence as silence as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to break the silence with acceptance and allowance of silent thoughts and silent voice within me, instead of be here, within and as reality as breath, focus on myself here, focus on my breath here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the idea of silence through silent voice and silent thoughts, instead of see and realize for myself that do not matter how much silent this voice or thoughts are, thus it is not real silence but mind talk, thus I commit to myself to do not gave attention to that what mind speaks, but investigate the points what is this saying about me and release myself from enslavement of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with silent thoughts and believe that this is possibly me speaking, instead of being and living here in and as one moment.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to not see and realize that I have to stand up for myself each moment I breathe in, and give up the moment with breath out as the moment ends thus I can again stand up with breath in as new moment and again give up as the moment ends.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to move in my mind through moments and by this missing myself and deceiving myself and giving up on myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that somewhere out there exist any point which can help me to stand up for myself and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek and search external points I could relate or enslave myself into which would possibly be my savior points I could stand up for myself, instead of see and realize for myself that this is not possible as this is my self deception and thus that I can stand up for myself only within me, as me, as equal and one with me as everything I exist as and consist of.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to focus on external reality and thus search and seek for points I could relate to, not seeing that by this I created the separation within be by searching and seeking for points I could stand up for myself, not realizing that I already know, understand, see and realize how I can stand up for myself each moment here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to stand up for myself absolute, that I do not know how I can stand up for myself, that I am too weak to stand up for myself, instead of see and realize that this is of the mind, and I am not the mind, as I am the source, as I am the flesh, as I am the physical here, thus I am equally able to stand up for myself no matter what.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give attention to my mind telling me that I do not know how I can direct myself, that it would be better to be directed by the mind, and through this think and believe that it will be more simple to let be directed by the mind instead of standing up for myself and direct myself here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to let my mind to direct me with silent thoughts and silent voice, as by within this I can abdicate my self responsibly and blame my mind for my falls, instead of see and realize that it is fear to be responsible for myself, as by self responsibility goes together with no allowing and accepting to be directed by anything but living as self directive principle of equality.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to still hold onto and idea of not wanting to be responsible for everything I do, speak, because within this justification, excuses and denials do not exists, thus I I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up on every justification, every denial, every excuse because if I do, thus only I will be responsible and thus I will not be able to hide behind the shits I created.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to abuse the knowledge and abuse what is her for my hiding, for my falling, for my abdication of self responsibility.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my seeing through looking of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide behind the justification that I do not see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to be accountable.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to be trustworthy because by this, I could not deceive anymore.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to keep the privilege for abuse, manipulation, and deception, because that’s what I can do the best.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up on self deception, as by this I would not be deceived anymore, as I liked to be deceived by my mind and by others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t break through self deception, and by this justify and excuse why I can fall, why I can live in deception of me, because of excuse that I am to weak which can fit perfectly on a lot of situation and thus by this I can abdicate my self responsibility.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like to be not responsible because I created idea and believe that responsibility is bullshit, manipulation of others, and by this I created my rebellion against self responsibility as a call for my self sabotage and doom of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play the game of blind and see, when it is serving my self interest thus I am blind and when it fits my self interest thus I see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play games on me, with me, as me, where in such games I forgot who the dice shaker is, not seeing and realizing that mind thrown dices ages ago.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play game with my life, and by this took for granted all life and play games with all life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 9 : Sound – I am separated

                 If I speak, I can speak the words which came through my mind as thoughts and thus just repeat those words, thus I am repeater of my mind. If I just repeat the words of my mind thus I am sounding out my mind and validate my mind in believing that I am my mind and that I was who created those words. It is not so.

                If I just repeat what my mind speaks, thus I am follower of my mind and thus mind direct my speech and mind direct my actions thus it simply means, that I am servant of my mind and just a tool, puppet, even less than what is my mind as mind direct.

                The mind as a system, program, not real, thus if I follow my mind and mind directs me and if I live my mind thus how the fuck I can be real if even mind is not real?

                Did I separated myself even form my mind? Am I my mind? No.

                The words I speak, there is no thought necessary to speak, no voice in head and no pre-speech in mind created, I sound the words in the moment thus I sound myself.

                If there is not thought which I follow, if there is not pre-programmed words within my mind, thus I have to be the words I speak. Thus I am the word I speak. Let’s have a look on words I speak.

                Am I equal with the words I speak? Do I direct what I speak? Or even those words have been pre-programmed as automatic reactions on topics? Direction is not reaction. If I direct thus I do not react. If I direct it is not automatic and not back-uped by bullshits within, as I see and realize what I speak.

                Do I sound each one single word within self-honesty? Do I manipulate with the words and do I deceive? Myself or others? Am I aware each single word I sound? I realized, that not all words I speak are spoken within self honesty, thus it means that I live moments in dishonesty, if there are moments lived in dishonesty thus those moments are like open doors for abuse, manipulation, etc.

                It means, that I separated from certain words cause of judgments of the words, living as mind, always coming from polarity.

                Speak the word I am and live the words I am, who I really am, thus became the living word as end of all separation, let’s make this done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from word I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge word I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from sound.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to repeat the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to follow the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not take self responsibility for words which I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to connect energy to words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy and words have to be connected as definition of myself towards words and relationship towards words I use when I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create likeness towards specific words I use when I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from sound as a word.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not speak each word as me, as who I really am in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let open doors within me as back doors for manipulation and abuse with the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use words for manipulation and abuse just for self interest to get energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I manipulate and abuse with the words I use thus I am more than others because I can deceive and manipulate better than others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself according words I use and others use and think and believe that just because I see and realize their words thus I am more than them.

I commit myself to investigate each word I speak and from which words I separated myself from, to which words I connected energy and from which words I generate energy, to which words I connected and created likeness within me or dislikes, and which words I judge or perceive as mind polarity.

Thanks, Juraj 

From illusion into reality

  The thoughts I believed was real, the thoughts I thought are me, those which I was aware of, I let go and those thoughts no more bother me. Just that simple it is.

                The voice which used to speak within me and I believed is me, I let go and the voice no more bother me in my head. Just that simple it is.

                The emotions I thought was real I stopped and this emotions no more bother me. How simple it is.

I used to look more within polarity of the mind on those one which I do not like or those which I do not like to experience. Those I let go and thus I forgave myself, but I forgot interesting point. To let go those one which I like, those one I would like to experience, some of them I let go, but some of them I wanted to keep for myself.

But that’s the same delusion as those judged/perceived as negative, the positive/good is just the second part of polarity.

I realized, how much points are in front of me from positive spectrum which I am going to work on, because, to stand real, mean stand without any illusion of the mind.

One side of polarity, or the other, both are the same illusions.

Thanks, Juraj

Clean what is within.

   I sat on my bed, with closed eyes, no pictures within me just some thoughts, coming one by one, slowly, I start to speak self forgiveness, the same slow way, hearing my voice, calm voice of me.

                Breathing, deeply and slowly, and in the dark only my voice I hear, forgiving to me what I have done unto me, what I allowed and accepted and within this I experience cleansing of myself, just me.

                And as we used to clean our body daily and take shower, to clean our teeth, to clean our hands, or even to clean our house, or place we live in, how often we clean what is inside of us? How often we clean what we have accepted, how often we care about ourselves in meaning, what became part of us, how often we clean our mind?

                Do we clean what is inside of us, or just accumulating bullshits of polarity?

                Maybe it is time to start clean what is within with more attention than what is without. Yes, what is visible we clean, we take care, what is within, we can hide, in self delusion, take no one know just we. And even this is not so.

Thanks, Juraj

Self forgiveness - The voice in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that voice in my head is me speaking, instead of realizing that it is mind speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give attention and value to the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this voice in my head speaking it is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the voice in my head to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as mind speaking voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this voice in my head is trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do not stop voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that voice in my head must be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this voice in my head wants the best for me as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear what the voice in my head is speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear the reason of the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear the needs, desires, and words in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that words spoken silently in my head are real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that words poping up in my head and chatting are me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that maybe something can be true from the word which mind speaks to me, instead of realizing that each word mind speaks is illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards the words in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself inferior towards the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mind as superior towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according the words mind speaks within me in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do not stand up against voice in my head but rather hear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear even one word in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give attention to the words in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as inferior towards my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to define myself as who I am according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to follow the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to do what the voice of the mind in my head present to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me as personality according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am less than voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not able to stop the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not strong enough to stop the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am too weak to stand up against voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am voice in my head and that this voice is all I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationship within me with voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an illusion of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as delusion that voice in my head is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop voice in my head thus I will not know what to do or how to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create habits, patterns of my life and my living according voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect memories to voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect past to the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect future projections to voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop my patterns, my habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself within and as mind voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remained locked within my mind, instead of realizing that I am able to stop the voice in my head, my thoughts, my habits, my patterns and free myself from dictate of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive voice in my head as authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that to hear words in my head is normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the voice in my head could be beneficial to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can use the voice in my head as cross reference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can use the mind for solving the problems I created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an shadow of the mind, dictated and directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself according dictate of the mind as voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in submission and inferiority towards the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck me with the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to the voice in my head to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give meaning to the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I hear anything in my head thus it have to be real, instead of realizing that anything which pop up in my head it is just illusion of my mind, just program, script, pre-written program which I gave permission to follow and live out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that mind is over the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that what matters is mind, instead of realizing, that what matters is matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, that I am limitation of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to be limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that limitation is real, instead of realizing that mind by itself is limitation because of design as script and program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am less than the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from existence according limitation of the mind.