I realized, that over time, very
silent, very slight voice, speaks. Within me, to me. In head, as thoughts,
thoughts as silent killers of myself. It seems, that those thoughts are valid,
as they occur occasionally, the voice, as self talk, as back chat, seems to be
valid, seems to have some form of understanding.
It is not so.
I realized, that I allowed to
myself to hear this silent thoughts, mostly those which reflected my likeness,
or those which seems to be aligned with me, me as walking my process.
I deceived myself with such
allowances.
I realized that this silent
voice, I created as to be my guide, as I thought that I need some guidance
within me to tell me what to follow. But, in this is simplicity. If I allow to
myself to follow, thus I am the follower and thus within this I am just a
sheep.
And what is this slow, silent
voice, reflecting about myself? That I like to be deceived? That I allow to
myself to be deceived? That I do not have the guts to stand up and simply say
no, I do not allow this? Is this because I followed my mind almost whole my
life and thus I can’t realize what it is, simply be silent each moment I am?
The silence, the silence is
simply silence, and in this, I see my deception. Because, again, simplicity of
silence is, that silence simply is. Thus nothing else just this silence is
present within me, and thus it means anything which I allow to move myself, do
not matter how valid it looks, do not matter how “beautiful” this break of
silence looks, it is my self deception.
But is silent voice silence? No.
It is just silent self deception. It is hidden self deception. It is self
deception as master degree of deceptions. Because, it seems, it looks, I am
that voice, silently speaking within me. It is not so.
This fall into self deception of
voice in me, I allowed as moments when I fall to mind, when I lost me as
breath, even do not matter how much I am with my breath, if I allow to myself
to fall into a mind and participate on whatever mind shows me. I see what is of
the mind, and can’t deny I started to use my mind as guidance, as I thought
that I need some, but within this, I allowed the brilliant system of deception
to guide me.
Whole my life, I lived in
deception of me, and after all, I simply allowed to myself to gave permission
to genuine mechanics of enslavement to direct me within some points.
The absolute. This word, when I
speak, when I write, when I say to stand up absolute. It is like deep, very
deep sorrow, even almost never noticed, almost. It is like crying, it is like
praying, it is like looking upon everywhere and try to search and seek anything
I could stand up within me, to stand up absolute.
But this word, what does this
really means? Why when I speak this word, in context of standing up for myself,
for standing up and simply do not allow to myself to be deceived by my mind,
why the sorrow of me resonate within me and tears are coming to my eyes?
Why?
I deceived myself with the point
of wanting to search for something outside of me I would eventually stand up
for, and within this, I denied myself, I lied to me, I forget me as I focused
on external points around me, but I forgot, that it is me who is standing up,
not for anything around me, not for anyone in context of searching something
separate for me I would eventual stand up.
But it is me, here, speaking as
a being that I do not want this. I do not want to live in lies, I do not want
to deceive myself and I do not want to be deceived.
As I see this, it simply means,
that I am the source, that I am the power who is able to stand up within and as
me, for me, here.
No one and nothing around me can
do this for me, no matter where and with who I am. I am with me each moment I
am, this I am each moment responsible for myself to stand up.
I am responsible for myself to
stand up with each breath in, and give up with each breath out. It is only me
alone, and nothing in existence can do this for me. It is me here, it is me to
remain consistent in my application, it is me to stand for me, it is me to live
me, it is me to balance me, it is me to stand here.
I wanted, the voice in me to
stand up for myself, actually I allowed falling each time I participated on
this voice, when I gave permission to follow words spoken.
It is interesting, to walk the
process, and to see and realize, what this really means. At the beginning, I
was in constant falling, I kept consistently on falling even I had some
insights and understanding. After some period, I kept falling on specific
points; In those I defined myself and my world the most. Within walking my
days, I realized many points and I resolved, and I transcended, and I walked
them for real.
But yes, point by point, I am
far away from walking my entire mind. I am far away from transcending my mind.
I am far away, because, it is just one moment.
Everything which actually exists
is this one moment. I am going to become this moment. I am going to become the
only one moment which exists as me. But first, I have to die, not as a body,
but me as EGO I lived for so many years, I am going to kill me, because I see
and realize that this me, was and is just illusion.
It is worth to kill the
illusions I became, as within this, I became the illusion, thus illusion have
to die to be able for life to be born. To born me as life, I have to kill me as
mind. It is just that simple, but one moment far away.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive
myself with the silent voice within my head, to hear this voice, and from this
create the perception, believe and idea that this voice is possibly me, that
possibly I am this voice speaking in my head, instead of see and realize that
it is always of the mind, and thus stand up for myself and do not allow to give
attention to this voice.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give permission
to my mind to deceive me with silent voice and silent thoughts where I created
within me the believe and ideas that what if possibly I am this silent voice,
instead of see and realize for myself that this is ultimate self deception of
me, as I see and realize that silence is simply not presence of anything as
words, voice, self talk within my head.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to follow
the dimensions of my mind of silent thoughts and silent voice in believing that
because this is so silent, thus possibly this could be me.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave
attention, participation and focus on words and voice silently speaking within
my mind, instead of immediately stop and breathe, as I see and realize that
within this I allowed and accepted to myself to fall into mind and thus
participated on my self deception and thus creating my own self deception.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think
and believe that I need some guide to tell me what to do, how to do and when to
do, instead of see and realize that any moment I allow my mind to direct me,
thus I am just a follower and directive principle of my live, of my words and
my actions.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think
and believe that I can’t exist without the thoughts which silently emerge within
my mind, that I can’t exist here in silence as silence as me.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to break
the silence with acceptance and allowance of silent thoughts and silent voice
within me, instead of be here, within and as reality as breath, focus on myself
here, focus on my breath here.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create
the idea of silence through silent voice and silent thoughts, instead of see
and realize for myself that do not matter how much silent this voice or
thoughts are, thus it is not real silence but mind talk, thus I commit to
myself to do not gave attention to that what mind speaks, but investigate the
points what is this saying about me and release myself from enslavement of the
mind.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive
myself with silent thoughts and believe that this is possibly me speaking, instead
of being and living here in and as one moment.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to not see
and realize that I have to stand up for myself each moment I breathe in, and
give up the moment with breath out as the moment ends thus I can again stand up
with breath in as new moment and again give up as the moment ends.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to move in
my mind through moments and by this missing myself and deceiving myself and
giving up on myself.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think
and believe that somewhere out there exist any point which can help me to stand
up for myself and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to
myself to seek and search external points I could relate or enslave myself into
which would possibly be my savior points I could stand up for myself, instead
of see and realize for myself that this is not possible as this is my self
deception and thus that I can stand up for myself only within me, as me, as
equal and one with me as everything I exist as and consist of.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to focus
on external reality and thus search and seek for points I could relate to, not
seeing that by this I created the separation within be by searching and seeking
for points I could stand up for myself, not realizing that I already know,
understand, see and realize how I can stand up for myself each moment here.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think
and believe that I am not able to stand up for myself absolute, that I do not
know how I can stand up for myself, that I am too weak to stand up for myself,
instead of see and realize that this is of the mind, and I am not the mind, as I
am the source, as I am the flesh, as I am the physical here, thus I am equally
able to stand up for myself no matter what.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give
attention to my mind telling me that I do not know how I can direct myself,
that it would be better to be directed by the mind, and through this think and believe
that it will be more simple to let be directed by the mind instead of standing
up for myself and direct myself here.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to let my
mind to direct me with silent thoughts and silent voice, as by within this I can
abdicate my self responsibly and blame my mind for my falls, instead of see and
realize that it is fear to be responsible for myself, as by self responsibility
goes together with no allowing and accepting to be directed by anything but
living as self directive principle of equality.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to still
hold onto and idea of not wanting to be responsible for everything I do, speak,
because within this justification, excuses and denials do not exists, thus I I
forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up
on every justification, every denial, every excuse because if I do, thus only I
will be responsible and thus I will not be able to hide behind the shits I created.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to abuse
the knowledge and abuse what is her for my hiding, for my falling, for my abdication
of self responsibility.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit
my seeing through looking of the mind.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide
behind the justification that I do not see.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to
be accountable.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to
be trustworthy because by this, I could not deceive anymore.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to
keep the privilege for abuse, manipulation, and deception, because that’s what I
can do the best.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to
give up on self deception, as by this I would not be deceived anymore, as I liked
to be deceived by my mind and by others.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think
and believe that I can’t break through self deception, and by this justify and
excuse why I can fall, why I can live in deception of me, because of excuse
that I am to weak which can fit perfectly on a lot of situation and thus by
this I can abdicate my self responsibility.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like to
be not responsible because I created idea and believe that responsibility is
bullshit, manipulation of others, and by this I created my rebellion against
self responsibility as a call for my self sabotage and doom of myself.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play
the game of blind and see, when it is serving my self interest thus I am blind
and when it fits my self interest thus I see.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play
games on me, with me, as me, where in such games I forgot who the dice shaker
is, not seeing and realizing that mind thrown dices ages ago.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play
game with my life, and by this took for granted all life and play games with
all life.
Thanks,
Juraj
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