Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 86 : Relationships – Anxiety of new life




                 When I started to have sex with a girlfriend, I always considered the point of possibility to have a baby thus I used condom each time possible, or girl friend used contraception pills to prevent the pregnancy.

                There was a thoughts and worries sometimes, what if she will be pregnant, and how could we possibly take care about baby, when will be born, because we were young, thus not stable job, not stability within me nor my girlfriend, just “enjoying” our teenage moments.

                Over few years, I faced the situation with another girl, when she told me that her menstruation do not come, thus she is possibly pregnant. I started to worry in that moment, as I was not prepared to take such responsibility, and I was not able to comprehend how she could be pregnant if she use the pills, as I thought that it is enough as prevention. Also the point was, that sometimes I even used condom for myself, to make sure that I will not make a baby. Thus within this, I thought that the pills with condom is really enough as prevention to avoid not necessary pregnancy.

                Those moments, I really worried about such situation, as to accept the point of being a father that time was for me like hard awakening. The point of my worries and my anxieties came from not stable relationship created with her, thus relationship based on nothing, just illusions of the mind, and the point of money, as not enough support for myself, nor for idea of family or child, thus I was really worried about this, and I wanted to speak with her about abortion, as it would be really hard for us to take care about baby. But as she was too religious I was not sure how to even start to speak with her about this point.

                In few days, I find out, that she lied to me, that she had menstruation, that she is not pregnant, and that she started to play game on me, to know how I will react on such message that she is carrying baby. I was surprised, why the fuck she played such game on me, what the fuck is this shit to play such games.

                I was not able to see a baby as a new life being born, but as a problem, because of my own instability within system, thus from an idea of child being born I experienced anxiety within me, as projection and worry of the future, and not seeing how I could take care about baby.

                I was not prepared to take such responsibility, as I was not prepared that time to take responsibility for myself, I was even not aware what responsibility could be.

                By paradox, the point of new life being on the way, as being born to the future, I was not able to see as a life, as a new being coming to this world, but I experienced within me the anxiety, worries, stress, and nervousness.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to experience anxiety, stress and nervousness as fear of the future when I was confronted with situation of pregnancy of girl friend.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to worry and panic in front of situation of pregnancy of my girl friend and experience anxiety and stress as energy movement within and as me, thinking and believing that this energy experience is real experience of me, instead of seeing and realizing that it was of the mind as energy movements within me and my self definition to this energy as perception and believe that it is real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive the possibility of pregnancy of my girl friend as a problem, as a threat to my life, to my world, to the ideas and believes of myself what I lived, and from this experience anxiety, stress and nervousness as fear of the future, as a fear of new life on the way, as a fear of baby coming to this world where I was not prepared to take responsibility for myself nor for child to take care of.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave power to my mind to tell me what I should experience and how I should experience myself where I am confronted with situation of pregnancy and possibility of new life as a baby being on the way, as a separation of myself from myself and thus created within me the ideas, worry, stress, anxiety and panic about this baby and not seeing and realizing that all of this experiences are of the mind and I am not the mind, instead of taking into consideration practicality what it means to take care about baby, what it means to care about another being, what is the requirement to provide to the baby what is necessary to develop and live here as free human being.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through ideas and believes about baby, about child as a new life coming to this world, now seeing myself equal to this baby and this baby equal to me, as physical, as life as who we really are.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear the possibility of child coming to this world and fear to take responsibility of caring about this child and provide everything necessary for this child to make sure child have everything which is required to develop and live here, and consider child equal to me and myself equal to a child.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see a child as a problem, not seeing and realizing what it really is within this world, as a new being coming to this world.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to experience anxiety, frustration, worry and stress when confronted with situation of possible pregnancy of girl friend and from this derive fear of the future, worry about the future, as worry if I will have enough money to take care about baby.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect the life as a baby being born to the money and amount of money I have or not have as a perception and idea how much money I will need to take care about baby, and through this worry about my stability within the system, to worry if I will be able to get enough money within the system and to worry if I will be able to earn enough money to take care about baby.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the relationship between money, family, and perception of child being on the way and thus worry about the money and experience anxiety, stress and nervousness to this possibility, instead of see child as equal to me and see and realize the practical points I require to maintain required resources for myself, for child and my girl friend.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see the child as a new life through the money and the relationship I created towards the money and the situation that I am short of money and from this derive the fear of the future, as anxiety, stress and nervousness as projection how I could take care about baby, If I do not have enough money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive the child as something expensive and thus that I can’t afford to take care about the child, not seeing and realizing that I created within me the perception and idea about the life and seeing the life through money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see the life through the money I have within the system I live in, and create within me the relationship between money, child, and responsibility and through this seeing the child, money and responsibility as problem.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to take care about baby, that I am not able to get enough resources to maintain and support myself within the system with money and thus fear the possibility of child being on the way to this world and from this experience anxiety, nervousness and stress where I believed that those experiences are real experiences of myself, not seeing and realizing that those experiences are of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not enjoy the possibility of new life coming to this world as a baby, because I created within me the relationship between child, money and responsibility in separation from myself and thus fear myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive a child coming to this world as a disaster for myself, where I created the perception and ideas that this will ruin my life, because I have not enough money to support myself and child.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive the possibility of child coming to this world as something negative, because I am not in situation where I could supply and provide enough resources to a child and thus maintain required stability for myself and for child.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to get enough resources for myself, child and girl friend to maintain stability for our living.

Thanks, Juraj


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