Day 5 : Excuses and Justifications

                Fuck, how much I loved excuses, and still, from certain perspective like.

                Excuse: I will not do it, it is hard.

What I really speak:  It looks that it is hard and I even will not try to do it because what if I will see and realize that it was just my perception and excuse why I can step back and do nothing and justify my inaction.

Excuse: They/he/she do it, why I should not?

What I really speak: I see what they are doing, and even if it is abuse, manipulation or trying to get attention or just act in way of self interest, I am comparing myself to them and I gave my direction away as I want to do as what they do and thus justify my actions, needs in separation from all and just stand as ego which consider only my self-interest.

                I could continue with various excuses for various situations, but all excuses serve just as and justification for ego as separated entity why ego as me, me as ego, why I can act the way which consider only my self interest, my desires and my wants and do not see consequences of this actions.

                Excuses serve perfectly, mainly for falling, to excuse and justify why I can fall and do not stand for myself and for life, why I can fall into bubble illusions of me and not stand up and direct myself accordingly within the word and system to support myself and others to make the change possible and bring here the equal life opportunities for all.

                Simply said, excuses serve as a tool, why I can fuck life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses and justifications for my falling, instead of investigate this excuse or justification, get rid of it and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like to use excuses which gave me false perception and idea about myself and about my actions/inactions within the world as tool for abuse, manipulation in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like to justify in front of myself why I can fall or why I fall with various excuses as a tool to do not see what I am really doing and what will be consequences of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses and justifications as a tool to remain hidden within me and not stand up and direct myself accordingly where all are considered equally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses as a tool why I can fuck life and why I can do what I want as an ego in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses as a tool why I can remain separated within my mind and not stand up for myself and for life.

I commit myself to investigate each single excuse and justification within me, get rid of it and stand up for myself and for life.

Thanks, Juraj

Remain clear and stable

  The more I push myself the more easier is to push when another point emerge, the more I let go so it is easier to let go if anything else comes up.

                I was in the bed with a girl, interestingly, there was nothing within me, we were just lying on the bed, I enjoyed the touches, but there was not intension within me to have sex with her.

                I didn’t want to use her or abuse, or to have sex with her, it was hard to explain why I do not want to have sex with her. I am not sure if she understood, maybe yes, time will show.

                This was interesting; I remained clear in her presence, with no back chat, with no agendas within me, nothing. I just enjoyed her and her presence, the touches we touched each other, but within this remained clear and stable.

Thanks, Juraj

Miner

I am feeling tiredness but I am not tired. It is like to want to lie down and just rest, do nothing and just only breathe. It is more like wanting to let everything go and participate in nothing. Do nothing, think nothing, feel nothing, speak nothing, just only be.

It is like hidden desire to escape from everything and everyone and just be alone. Alone with no one around, no one to speak, just only be.

It is like I have to even push myself to speak or write, and mostly when I am writing I do not know what I want to write about. Sometimes I had thoughts that what I will write about, but I let it go, I write in this moment what I write.

Hidden desires, I am curious what is hidden and now I can’t see, as I had dream I can only hardly remember but it was something I was not aware of, it relates to something which is very deeply suppressed within me, fragments of pictures witch says nothing to me but are very important, I know it.

Self acceptance, have to investigate this have to research and find out, yet I am sometimes frustrated from this constant searching within me and not finding answers as it looks to me like playing the game with myself. Like I am playing the game with me, and I am bored of this game.

I suppressed the things within me I wanted to not look on, lot of layers are there and I would like to see directly to the core, but I was “wise” enough in past to hide this core sufficiently to be not able find out so easily, lol.

Anyway, will dig and dig and dig, lol like miner, so I’ll be a miner to see what is in that core of myself.

Thanks, Juraj