I see the pattern – I push through

I stood at the balcony and I recalled the fact that today it is my turn to do duties as kitchen and hall cleaning with toilet and bathroom.

Immediately in my mind – I can do it later, it is not big deal do it later, nothing will happen if I’ll do it later … Normally, I would do it later, but today, at the same moment I realized this tricky talking of the mind how to hold myself to this pattern and excuses and postponing which needs to be done.

Nah, I stopped and I even do not want to bother myself with hearing another perfect excuses, so I pushed myself and took the broom and start to work on my duties. Then mop and started to cleaning the floor, and actually everything what was on schedule, just went around the basket. I noticed that I missed the cleaning the basket area, it looked clean – maybe if someone will bother to move the basket maybe there will be some dirt, but I continued liked nothing happened to another areas. It was like turning the blind eye and didn’t want to check if there is really clean floor or not.

When I entered to toilet, in my mind pop-up the video heard yesterday by Bernard about violating the trust and I saw clearly for myself how much times I didn’t my duties or tasks the required way because nobody bothered to check it, and everything looked fine. So I started to clean toilet with more attention, floor, etc, simply the way that it will be clean.

Then I returned to the kitchen and I was done with the cleaning just throwing last dirty thing to the basket, simply I couldn’t overlooked the same as I wanted to turn the blind eye at the basket area again and with mentioned above about violating the trust, I had to take basket off. And surprise, there was dirty floor behind basket, so I smiled at myself, heh, and I cleaned the floor behind basket also.

Thanks, Juraj

Breathe – releasing tension in muscles

Today evening, I laid into my bed and set up clock timer for 1 hour.

I closed my eyes and comfortable lay down my body, my hands softly holding the blanket to remember to myself where I am. I was focusing on my breathing, focusing on touch of my body with the bed, on my hands.

Darkness in the room, I heard the ticking of the clock from background. Focusing on that sound to do not allow my mind to take me on journey of thoughts, back chats. Some thoughts appear at the beginning but I simply stop to participate on them with focus on my breath, hands, movement of my eyes. I slowed down, nothing within me, no thoughts, no reactions, no memories, just me here on the bed.

My left eye in fast movement, from left to right, is cycling.  I stopped it with focus on breathing, feelings of my eyes disappear, I experience energetic pulses within me. Those pulses start to weaken, noticed that it is connected on my breath like beating of the heart but it is not heart. It is like from somewhere inside my body.

Energetic pulses start to disappear and occur, once in hands, in legs, in the middle of my body. No distractions here, just sound of the clock, no thoughts, darkness and silence within me. Wanted to stop energy within me but do not know how so still focusing on my breathing.

I am calm, suddenly alarm. Hour passed and I decided to sit on the bed. My hands on my legs, nothingness within me, just me breathing.  My head start to moving, this move happened by itself, slowly from one side to another, it is like my body moves my head and I let it. Move from one side to another and I experience tension in the muscles of my neck, I focus on my breath, nothing else, I am one with my body and I let my body to move.  Moves of my head are changing to different positions, stay for a while in some position till tension is released and then move to another position to release another tension.  I let my body to move my head to whatever position it want, some of them I never used before.

Moves stopped and I stood up. Tension in muscles released with ease, just with breath.

Thanks, Juraj

My Smile – what’s behind?

I smile, you see my smile and you do not know why I smile. It seems that because of situation. It is not. I smile because I judge, you, me. I smile because I hide. I smile because I divert your attention. I know why I am doing it. I want to hide. I do not want to reveal my true self. I do not want to reveal what I judge and why I judge. I know it, exactly. I can name it, precisely, I see into me. In the moment I smile, I hide, I use it as weapon.

I do not want to bother you, I judge you, and you can’t comprehend what I know and what I understand. I judge because you didn’t lived what I lived. I do not want to share me, what I know, what I understand, so I smile. I feared to share me, so I used smile.  

I hide behind my smile. Why? It seems that it is simpler to live if I can hide. I can do it anytime, during the conversation I can use my skills to make you laugh, you love it as all love it. The jokes. Illusionary bullshits, I can speak for hours, divert the attention, to illusions and projections, and make you blind. You will not see what I see because I will manipulate you and I will have power over you, just with few jokes and smiles. For the moment. This moment you belongs to me.

I thought it is innocent. Just for moment. Innocent lies. I believed, I do not harm. But I do. I support the false image in you, I support false perception, I mislead and I divert. Just with few jokes. I make you lost in mind, for the moment. You cannot see what I do, as I do it immediately, I do not need to think about it.

And you like it, you will not say anything “ bad “ about me because you never saw  what is behind that smile. Smile is innocent. Smile cannot lie. Smile is honest. Bullshit.

Smiles are so much abused, for manipulation, for over powering someone, for submitting to one’s will. Best liars have amazing smiles. You can fall in some one’s smile.

I stop. I stop abuse my smile. I stop manipulate with smile. I stop hide behind my smile. I stop false smile, dishonest smile, fake image of me.

I like to smile, without jokes even spoken, I like to smile without apparent reason, my eyes can smile and my lips can be frozen. I can express myself as smile, at the moment, nothing exist, just me, as smile.

Thanks, Juraj

Fear – face and push through

I sat in bus today evening and in front of me sat some young girl, at one bus stop her girl friend get on and sat next to her and they start to speak. The first one has been complaining that she start to experience strong fever and sore throat at the night, and that it started at once and that she do not know what to do with that and how come that she is suddenly sick.

I realized why she is sick but that time also I wanted to say her something how she can assist to herself and cure herself. But immediately, fear raised within me, and lot of different excuses why I should not speak to her and say something, my mind start to show me very fast one excuse after another, but I realized that I should push myself through that and say her something about breathing, as I realized that that is only one thing I can explain to her in few moments, I knew there will be not a lot of time. So I said to myself that if she will get off at the same bus stop as me, so I will go to her and speak. Also, in my mind hoping she will not get off the same bus stop.

But damn, she did.

I had no time to doubt, to wait, so immediately she get off, I went to her and I just said. “ Sorry I am disturbing you, I heard you are sick, so I suggest you to focus on your breathing, breathe in, and breathe out, you will see, it will help you. “ At first she stepped back, maybe little bit scared how come some stranger start to speak with her, but after that moment as she heard my words and recognized what I just said, she smiled on me.  I smiled on her.

I turn back and went my way to home.

Proud on me, that I didn’t allowed my fear to do not speak. I do not know, if she will do what I suggested her, maybe not, but in that moment, I pushed myself through that fear, I spoke and proved to me, that my fear was just an illusion of my mind.

Thanks, Juraj

From innocence to murder – Suppressed sorrow

   I watched the eyes of man lying on the floor in front of me. Scared, Shocked, Surprised. I looked into his eyes and I saw fear, his fear so extensive. I was the reason who he feared. I was the one he was scared about. I was the one who decided to kill him.

   When I was coming near to him, within me the voice, “ I have to do it “ and I heard the voice as I believed this voice is me as I believed I am this voice. I decided to kill myself. I decided to take someone with me. I screwed my life and I saw no more reason to live. I fucked up everything I could, just last thing I could do, to kill, to end, to finish. To make a line and close the door and let everything as it is, as this word can continue without me.

   My way of living, my rebel-yell, my addictions, my frustrations, my misunderstandings, my suppressions, led me to decision to kill me, the voice of me I heard. Kill, no one will know, no witness as witness will be dead, take money, and kill you. Kill for money, kill as manifesto of everything you did and everything happened to you that no one cared, that no one wanted to hear you, kill as manifesto of last speech. As no one care to hear me now they will hear the voice of fear, now they will hear the voice within them and now they will ask. They will ask and there will be no answer, as they do not cared to ask whole the life. I spoke lot of times but they didn’t hear me, I spoke and I was silenced, I spoke and I was misunderstood. I blamed them, I blamed myself, I blamed the world as world I lived in.

   And my voice will remain as the act of me within them as the act of murder I will resonated through them all their life. And they will be ashamed each time they will speak about me and they will fear to speak about me as they will look me as evil. They will see evil in me, and they will want to hide but that will be no more possible. They will live in fear and fear will eat them, fear of who I am. Fear of who they see in me.  And this will be my revenge, let them here with their fear.  And I’ll be dead and they will live in pain as the pain and fear I experienced when they tried to teach me. The anger I saw in them as their spoke with me, the betrayal in their words and the lies they said.  The punishments I received from them as act of teaching, the pain full of tears and fear of them. Beaten in the name of God, pushed to submit to their will, as they didn’t want to let me live. As they want to make me of their visions, of their image, to make me live their expectations. And they do not cared who I am, and they do not cared what I speak and why I speak, they pushed till I submitted in the lies, but behind the face of me the anger and revenge, with silenced  voice I kneel down and I had to pray for forgiveness.

   And now I stand, in front of man, nothing within me. He is scared and trembles in fear but I am calm and clear. I stand and here is no voice within me as I am silent as silence is me. I stand as me here. I stand here alone; I am alone in my stand.

   He is not aware of my stand as only one moment passed, so he see a man which smashed him down from behind.  He see a man which smashed him with stone and brutality of such act, and he feels the blood covering his head, he is not aware that his injury is not serious, he is not aware that in 7 days he will be ok.

   In this moment, I see that no blame, no judgments, no punishments, no sorrow or anything in my life is responsible. And I see that it is me who is responsible, and I see that consequences which I will face will change my life. I am aware that I cannot hide and I am aware that in my stand I am giving the life not the man in front of me but to me, as I decided to do not kill the life within me, as I decided not to kill myself, as I stand against everything which led me to this moment. I faced me and I stood against the voice I believed it is me.

   Within my stand things changed as witness is alive, shocked and scared, but alive without serious injury, so I take the money which are stored in safe and saying him to do not speak who did this, as he saw me cause I didn’t use any mask, as in my first decision the mask was necessary, as dead people do not speak.

   I am aware he will speak and I know I cannot hide, I go. My companion goes his way and we decide to meet together on specific place and time.

   I saw him coming to me, few moments after his arrival two men stood in front of me, asking my ID. I am aware that everything changed, I am aware that he came with 2 policemen; I know what will happen now.

   My world collapsed, my world do not exists anymore. I am not afraid, I know that I will face what I’ve done, I know that I am going to be imprisoned, but by paradox, glad. Glad that I stood up and gave another chance to my victim and to me, chance to live and walk, no matter what.

Thanks, Juraj

From innocence to fighting - Suppressed sorrow

The sorrow stored within me is the sorrow of me which leads me. I know it, I understand it, deep sadness, how deep it goes. It is still with me.

Me as child, I do not understand why other children around me attack me, why my teacher attack me and laugh at me and why she hold together with those children.

I was not able to see why it occurred, I was just in class and want to learn things and just be at school and participate.

But when I participated so they turned it against me and punished me because I did what my teacher wanted. How fucked this is.

Once we played game, all children sitting around and I was at the end of row, simple it was like snake made from children and first one just said some word to the ear silently and the second one just had to transfer that word silently to another and how it goes I was at the end. But the child who was transferring the word to me said me word: pussy. It is not big deal but in Slovak language it is vulgar and easily usable as insult/harmful word.

So as I heard that word, I was completely disorientated/distracted/confused as I didn’t expect something like that and so as teacher asked me to speak that word. I didn’t want to lie so I said her that simply I will not speak it as it is vulgar word which I received. But she pushed me to say it so I just simply said. She became furious about me how can I dare to speak it. I thought that time that would be better to lie and to avoid such things, as my father worked at that school also and she said she will use it against me in front of him.

And me, I just simply did what all wanted, notthing bad/good or something like that, just what they all wanted, reactions of the children was obvious, laughing on me intensively, and it was clear that someone manipulated it to get me that outcome. Simply someone of them wanted to fuck up with me.

My rebel-yell has been born, foundation and decision that lying would be better - has been established within me. I suppressed that experience as I was not aware how to deal with that.

In my family, similar thing has been happening from time to time, I have been blamed, pointed out, games started to turning to fights. I did not understand why I have to fight for my place for living. I was already separated from my brothers and sister.

My fighting has been founded, but I didn’t want to, but I saw it as only one option how to show others that no one will be vilify me, abuse me, and over fight me. Me as young one against two older ones, sometimes in fight with one or another, my physical strength was not enough to win.

But I was sure, that when I will be older, that I can win in fight and have respect from brother and that they will stop to fight with me. I stared to see that my anger within me could ignite within me in one second to the extreme levels, paradox was, that I was never experiencing anger constantly. Just in fight, in that one moment, extreme load of.

I realized that when I will be not able to handle that, that I can very seriously harm someone or even kill or become insane from it.  I started to see effectiveness in fighting, why to bother to fight long time, if it could be finished in one movement. But I realized that I have to handle it. That I have to stop anger and that I have not to allow even ignite any tiny twinkle. One twinkle and one moment and anger could go to extremes. I didn’t want that, I didn’t even want to bother with the stopping of it.

So I suppressed my sorrow, and started to accumulate and stop fighting physically, I started to fight verbally.  As my brothers and sister wanted to take over me, to push on me and direct me, my words has been sharp and able to hit directly, I wanted to hit with the words, I started to abuse it against everybody who wanted to fight with me. I hit them to their core and let burning. That was my winning. I knew how to ignite the fear within others, just with the words, how to scare them.

I started to master hitting with the words, insulting, anyone within my range to show that no one will do against me what I had to experienced as I child. To show, that it is worthless to fight with me.

We are the word and as a child I was not able to comprehend why I have to defend myself from the people around me.

From this misunderstanding of my experiences and why others did what they did, I start to rebel against every one, every each rule, against everything I could, with my way of living, speaking, participating as my experiences was, that if I participate with others they abuse my innocence against me for their winning.

So from my innocence, I turned into fighter. But I forget one thing - that all the time, I was fighting against me.

Thanks, Juraj