Wednesday, February 9, 2011

From innocence to murder – Suppressed sorrow

   I watched the eyes of man lying on the floor in front of me. Scared, Shocked, Surprised. I looked into his eyes and I saw fear, his fear so extensive. I was the reason who he feared. I was the one he was scared about. I was the one who decided to kill him.
   When I was coming near to him, within me the voice, “ I have to do it “ and I heard the voice as I believed this voice is me as I believed I am this voice. I decided to kill myself. I decided to take someone with me. I screwed my life and I saw no more reason to live. I fucked up everything I could, just last thing I could do, to kill, to end, to finish. To make a line and close the door and let everything as it is, as this word can continue without me.
   My way of living, my rebel-yell, my addictions, my frustrations, my misunderstandings, my suppressions, led me to decision to kill me, the voice of me I heard. Kill, no one will know, no witness as witness will be dead, take money, and kill you. Kill for money, kill as manifesto of everything you did and everything happened to you that no one cared, that no one wanted to hear you, kill as manifesto of last speech. As no one care to hear me now they will hear the voice of fear, now they will hear the voice within them and now they will ask. They will ask and there will be no answer, as they do not cared to ask whole the life. I spoke lot of times but they didn’t hear me, I spoke and I was silenced, I spoke and I was misunderstood. I blamed them, I blamed myself, I blamed the world as world I lived in.
   And my voice will remain as the act of me within them as the act of murder I will resonated through them all their life. And they will be ashamed each time they will speak about me and they will fear to speak about me as they will look me as evil. They will see evil in me, and they will want to hide but that will be no more possible. They will live in fear and fear will eat them, fear of who I am. Fear of who they see in me.  And this will be my revenge, let them here with their fear.  And I’ll be dead and they will live in pain as the pain and fear I experienced when they tried to teach me. The anger I saw in them as their spoke with me, the betrayal in their words and the lies they said.  The punishments I received from them as act of teaching, the pain full of tears and fear of them. Beaten in the name of God, pushed to submit to their will, as they didn’t want to let me live. As they want to make me of their visions, of their image, to make me live their expectations. And they do not cared who I am, and they do not cared what I speak and why I speak, they pushed till I submitted in the lies, but behind the face of me the anger and revenge, with silenced  voice I kneel down and I had to pray for forgiveness.
   And now I stand, in front of man, nothing within me. He is scared and trembles in fear but I am calm and clear. I stand and here is no voice within me as I am silent as silence is me. I stand as me here. I stand here alone; I am alone in my stand.
   He is not aware of my stand as only one moment passed, so he see a man which smashed him down from behind.  He see a man which smashed him with stone and brutality of such act, and he feels the blood covering his head, he is not aware that his injury is not serious, he is not aware that in 7 days he will be ok.
   In this moment, I see that no blame, no judgments, no punishments, no sorrow or anything in my life is responsible. And I see that it is me who is responsible, and I see that consequences which I will face will change my life. I am aware that I cannot hide and I am aware that in my stand I am giving the life not the man in front of me but to me, as I decided to do not kill the life within me, as I decided not to kill myself, as I stand against everything which led me to this moment. I faced me and I stood against the voice I believed it is me.
   Within my stand things changed as witness is alive, shocked and scared, but alive without serious injury, so I take the money which are stored in safe and saying him to do not speak who did this, as he saw me cause I didn’t use any mask, as in my first decision the mask was necessary, as dead people do not speak.
   I am aware he will speak and I know I cannot hide, I go. My companion goes his way and we decide to meet together on specific place and time.
   I saw him coming to me, few moments after his arrival two men stood in front of me, asking my ID. I am aware that everything changed, I am aware that he came with 2 policemen; I know what will happen now.
   My world collapsed, my world do not exists anymore. I am not afraid, I know that I will face what I’ve done, I know that I am going to be imprisoned, but by paradox, glad. Glad that I stood up and gave another chance to my victim and to me, chance to live and walk, no matter what.
Thanks, Juraj

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