Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The change


                Today I am dropping my job as I am moving to new one, one side it is like dropping something which bounded me and within this uncertainty about new job place.

                I do not fear it, it is like unknown but lot of parameters is known, because I know myself to certain degree. From one perspective I am “ excited “ in meaning, what I will have to face and what I will learn about myself or about others.

                It is like doing a line for the past, I faced interesting points and now as I see it I would not be able to see it without facing it.

                To face who I am, to face my creation.

Thanks, Juraj


Monday, January 30, 2012

Distractions

                The rush of the city and the rush of the people, I am meeting daily, moving back and forth from here to there and from there again back, to complete this or that or enjoy or for whatever reason, people move. Cars move and the nature move. City as buildings and infrastructure stand, one place, no rush, apparently it seems not alive.

                Why people move? Money,survival. Basic points of this movement. Why people rush? Money, energy, time.

                Pictures each moment around, pictures I used to define myself according it, pictures I used to create energy from it, for myself to live in state this energy experiences is me. It is not so.

                The rush and the pictures, the words people speak, distractions as distracted all the time.

                To stand calm and clear each moment here, I noticed sometimes I am losing this, like in moment of reaction which I was not aware that is part of me, and as I look on that reaction what is this telling about me. What I do not want to stand equal and one with, from which I want to separate myself from, interestingly, to be equal means not to react at all.

                To be equal with myself within me, understand and see what is going on and direct the moments, some moments I directed showed me some great shit about myself or about people around, which is cool because otherwise I would not be able to see it.

                Sometimes the one word can distract me, sometime one picture, the sounds or voices or noises used also but it is gone.

                I see that most I defined myself through pictures and very specific moments I lived, and those moments define who I am, because I was not able to unconditionally let it go, to forgive each part of nity grity situation.

                I ask myself, how come, that some moments in my life, I can let go, do not react, to see and realize what it is, what is going on, to see how it works, and see myself within that, and how come, that within some points I am like absolutely blind and not grasping at all what it is, what’s move me and how it moves me.

                I ask myself, how come that I am able to let go desires, needs, pictures, connections, relationships, thoughts, emotions and feelings, rush, I could continue…. Because I ask myself, how come I am not able to grasp one singular point I am facing many years over and over and this point is coming back, pattern I created within me and through this pattern I shaped my life and my participation, and this point is quite simple, mechanics and knowledge, how it works I understood, I do not see who I am within this point, maybe I do not want to see, maybe I suppressed a lot what it is what drives me, I came through hundreds of thoughts connected to this singular point – money.

                How come, that the usage of money and how I am using it, is simply not understood within me.

Thanks, Juraj

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Procrastinate postponed

                I can say, that I was really good in this, I used to postpone things, and solve only that what was really crucial. I liked to postpone things and even within this to procrastinate and eventually to never complete it.

                I used to postpone things to the latest possible date, time, hour or minute, and when I pushed to complete or do it, after completion I used to perceive myself within this statement: “How much I did.”

                Can you imagine that? The work which took me few minutes, maybe hour, I used to perceive like I did so a lot of work, and even be proud on that, yes, lol, from my perspective to complete something used to be sometimes really hard. Because why?

                So the postponing has been my companion quite long time, can say all my life, except those things I liked to do, those one I did immediately and postponing never took place, those one which I had to do, so big struggle took place and doing anything else just not that what I had was better for me.

                But anyway, I see now, that it is not so big deal to push myself and complete something as first and have it done. After some period, as certain things in my life I am doing as first and not postponing it, I would say it is pleasure to have it done from perspective that it is not occupying my mind and I do not have to worry about it and I do not have to even spend a second to think about it because it is done, and I can let it go.

                I see that I was able to change some points within me and procrastination as mind component is much weaker within me or sometimes not present at all.

                This writings are assisting me a lot in this, as I always know that I push myself to write and place the words on “ paper “.

                Lot of times I heard from my family, or other people that I am lazy, but how I could be lazy if I am able to some things immediately and with enjoyment and participate for hours, but some not. So It is not laziness per say, but just polarity of the mind, where that which I like I do and that which not simply not. And within this, others could perceive me as lazy, but maybe they never realized, that what is important for them could not be important for me.

                Because what is really important? Just life, what we speak and how we speak and why we speak. What we do and how we do and why we do. And within this, quite interesting question arise, what my words support, what my actions support and what I am showing others?

                It is the life? It is the ego? It is just mind fuck up? What I will let here behind me for others?

                That’s the questions which anyone can answer for her/him self.

Thanks, Juraj


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Good intentions


                I sat in coffee bar and I wanted to move on different seat, as that was softer and I needed electricity for laptop which was nearby, on the table was some old stuff like glasses and bottle.

                I decided that I will help the waitress girls and I tidy that table before I sat there, so I took the glasses on the tray with bottle, as I did step to the left and moved with body I lost focus on that tray in my right hand and I felt in hand that I lost balance and glasses and bottle start to falling.

                Within that moment as I saw falling glasses and bottle I realized how this could end broken on the floor with big mess all over the place, and within the same moment with left hand I catch both glasses with bottle to prevent this to fall on the floor.

                I stood bit surprised how fast physical could be, as within that moment no fear or thought has been present within me, and I could hardly “ believe “ that I catch this stuff and nothing has been broken or damaged.

                I took this stuff nearby bar and let it there, as I came back my body and experience of frightening took place, as I realized, that good intentions, means nothing. As this could be ones starting point for some actions, but this could turn to really big mess if focus and presence of one’s action is missing, maybe just for one moment, and everything can turn the worst way.

                Each moment of my actions, my presence, my words, is equally important to moments which are gone, because within the moment which is here is determined the very next moment which will come and outcome of that moment.

                To simply have some good intention in mind is useless, because not this good intention will determine the outcome, but presence of one during actions performed.

Thanks, Juraj