Day 163 : Revenge – I’ll show who you are

                As a child I have been thought about Jesus and god and all that stuff, as I grew in “average Christian family” where my father was the one who had the main word in means, how our family functions, what is followed and why.

                For me as a child, the Jesus was a son of a god, and I had no idea who this god is, or what god should be, but I could see in church the Jesus as a baby under Christmas tree, and I had the knowledge about Jesus and his life and what he thought other people. For me, Jesus was the one who was showing people how they should live, according the words of love, love of the other people even the enemy, and what love means, and that we all are equal as god as him, therefore we should love each other equally, and do not live for material things, as do not live for golden statuses, and everything that bullshit stuff which is daily promoted.

                My basic seeing of the Jesus was through love and his words of love, as equality. As I was attending the church those days, the procedures of eating the Jesus at the end of each ceremony took place, and I liked it from perspective as symbol of eating Jesus flesh transformed symbolically into this little waffle which is used in church. I understood the Jesus as being the flesh, being in everything the flesh or matter is thus me being part of this all through this ceremony.

                Once as a child, when I received this small waffle from the priest, I took that out of my mouth and put this waffle into my “praying book”, which I had as a child where was all the songs and stuff around religion, thus I placed that waffle right into the middle of the book, for me as a child seeing this as act of having the Jesus nearby me, as I was having this book in my pocket of my winter jacket, and thus I was as a child satisfied that I have a Jesus always with me and that I do not eat that waffle rather keep it sustained with me. My perception of this, was simple and innocent, according the way how I understood and saw the Jesus as persona what he lived.

                I didn’t see anything wrong in such act, just having the Jesus, this little child as me with me. Days start to pass and I continued to live my life according everything which has been normal that time for our family, till the moment of:

                My mother is calling me into a hall, the entrance room of our flat, where our jackets has been placed, and she is holding my praying book in the hands, opened in the middle and that small waffle is there, and she call my father. She is showing him this, and I just stand and look on the situation, still in my naïve innocence that I did nothing wrong. My father enters and he taking the book, and he is asking me, what it is and from where I have this. I am saying that in the church I took out this waffle and put it in this book, thus it is Eucharist, as called in Christian religion. I am still looking onto him, as I am quite small against him, my mother still stand nearby, suddenly, the eyes of my father changed. He is taking the tool which he used to use as “educational stuff” just for the purpose to beat me, I am like frozen within me, as I am not quite sure why he is doing this, and he is asking me, if I kneel down each time I came to my jacket, as a symbol of honor of Jesus or god, and I am saying no, as I saw this as very unpractical during various situations. As I said that, the eyes of my father became so strange, the anger and hatred towards me I saw in him, and he started to beat me frenetically with that tool, through all over my body, through my ass, legs, through hands, body and I just experience this big pain all over my body seeing him screaming madly that no one will make fun from the god. I am shocked, surprised, I tremble and I feel this pain, I see my father in desperate anger towards me, when he stopped, I cry, I cry as my body is in heat of pain, I am touching my body wanting to make this pain less, and I hear him that I will go to confess from this sin because I dishonored god.

                And my trust and believe in Jesus and his teaching has been broken and shaken completely, how my father can speak about god and love and Jesus, if he dare so brutally beat me just because of me wanting to have this Jesus nearby me? My father know nothing about love and Jesus and god, he do not know a shit about life, he is defending his illusion and his projections of god I dared to violate by my act. I look on my mother and I see her as a traitor. I saw her as a mother; loving being of me, but everything changed as I asked why she called my father and showed him that, I see her that she betrayed me by calling my father.

                How can my father or mother love me, if they allow this? How can they do this and on other hand promote something else? My father is no more my father and my mother is no more my mother, as they do not love me and they do not see me as a child, they do not see me, they see only their illusions and their believes, they do not know and see who I am here, they have no idea why I did what I did and they both beat me in fury and desperate anger, no matter that mother was just looking on this, she was the same way in this like my father, she do not stopped him.

                I realized that what my father live is fake and also my mother, and they broke in me my innocence by beating me, they broke my seeing of Jesus and his teaching as I see they do not live his words, they are not able to recognize what love really is, they have no idea what is equality, they do not stand for that, they speak something but do something else, I never forgave this. I never forgave to my father this and to my mother, they was blind in their actions and I separated from them even more.

                The way of my revenge started the revenge to show them who they really are, and that they do not live what they say. Despite the fact that as a child I understood equality quite well, this has been diminished completely as because of Jesus I was beaten by my the most closest personas, which was my father and my mother. I started to live the road of revenge, ingrained in me, within me, and doing the opposite of suggestions of my mother, rebelling against everything which my mother represented and father as well. I knew my time will come when I would be able to revenge to them and they will see how mistaken they was. And this was no more only about them, but about everybody who claimed something, but lived something else, my revenge became against all and everybody who speak something but do something else. The revenge I became was me, I revenging to all directly to their face, showing them how deceptive they are, how much they lie, my life became revenge in various forms, in various ways, and as time has been passing I became always satisfied with the outcome of time by itself, when I saw what life brought to the life of those I was revenging against.

                My father has been dying in the agony of pain of cancer, and yet I wished him to die as I saw that as a only point how he can go out from that misery as I never believed he will be cure but I do not cared about him. Really, I saw satisfaction in his position and where was his god? Where was god to help him, to give him love and cure him? Nowhere, his god let him dying in brutal pains for a long time, until his body became so exhausted of this cancer that could not sustain itself anymore. And I do not give a fuck, why I even should I? Why I should give a fuck about him after everything he did to me? I never took hand on him, I never screamed at him, I never said how he should live or what she should do, I never beat him, and he? How many times? And these beings have no authority to claim to be my father and I do not see myself as his son anymore, or son of my mother. I asked many times, who is my father and who is my mother then? Who it is if these beings treat me such way? They are not. And the way of me being alone here, living alone with my revenge towards all, busy as I do not wanted to follow what they live anymore, and the revenge became ingrained within me as me, I am this revenge I am living it, I am becoming this as the years are passing I see more and more lies, more and more deception, I see only people which are fake from top to the bottom, no one is living and no one is my friend, no one is my companion as I am alone with me with revenge I have to accomplish, I need and I have to, as this is my purpose and the very reason I live.

                The point of revenge became transformed into everything I did, spoke, and I was not able to see me in this, as I became it.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 162 : Revenge – My purpose my pleasure

                I desired revenge and this desire I wanted to fulfill, make true, it was my likeness and my pleasure to see that things can turn round and those who hurt me can suffer more than I suffered, satisfaction coming from this revenge I liked.

                Many times I do not needed to act in any way what so ever and just wait, time by itself brought to those I desired revenge for, their misery and agony within them being lost and trapped in the mind. I felt superior and satisfied, I felt being more and stronger.

                I see this as a great perversion towards life, to see pleasure and satisfaction in misery and horror of others, searching for answers, lost in their realms of the mind and I smiled.

                Many times my intentions turned the worst way possible and thus I have been confronted with this point, how my intentions are in fact fake, because they can morph and from “good” intentions mess and havoc I created, as always.

                It was like always around me, despite the fact I wanted others to let me be and let me live, to do not interfere to my life, to do not say to me how I have to live, what I should do just let me be, I always mess and havoc created and place those around me into situations they was not prepared to deal with, nor me.

                The revenge, and the punishment, within this superiority and inferiority took place always, and thus what I followed? Ego as energy, yes my lovely purpose to accomplish, my reason for my life, to see oppressors suffer. And they did , as they will always suffer, as each being trapped in the mind suffer, thus me the very same way, as for decades I suffered by revenge I was busy to accomplish.

                Smile, words, mannerism, cool persona and fine guy yet plot within my mind already in place, plot and wish to others to die, to suffer, to go through horrible experiences as I did, to show them how it is, to show them what they did, through suffering and pain and agony within them, and seeing this please myself, how pervert this is.

                Many thoughts others had about me that I will never do specific things and I did just for the sake to show them they have no power over me, not noticing that by this I gave to power to mind to just follow the very same way as others the designs of energy, everything just balancing out.

                Where was in this equality and oneness? Yet I am controversial for myself, the relationship I created within me towards me is controversial, as I see, understand and realize that only equality and oneness is real, as love. Only real love is equality and this is for me bulletproof, yet many times I lived opposite because just this revenge I needed accomplish, this revenge as my ego.

                This revenge is the very same way energetic experience as all experiences but my most secret, loving and precious one. To give up?

                It was hard even impossible to give up something I was not able to see within me I am doing, making me desperate and insane in many situations, within me in my misery because of this loving energy.

                I will show you – secret thought in my mind, you will see. Another one coming after first, and the wolf in the sheep cloak yet still sheep because still following the ego. I fucked me. I was good in this.

                But things changes as I change day by day, moment by moment.

                Give up on revenge - this is my commitment to myself.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

                I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

                The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

                I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

                The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

                The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

                Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

                I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

                Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

                When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

                Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s  are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

                I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

                Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

                Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

                When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

                The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

                I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

                By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

                I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

                This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

                 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.