Day 6 : Eyes – I am separated

                 The world I see through my physical eyes, gives me perception of world and myself that I am separated from everything and everyone and this seems to be very valid, very trustworthy, and definitely very acceptable point of view of myself and the world without.

                Someone in my world, had to tell me what I should see, how I should interpret that what I see, and which names I should put on things I see accordingly, to fit into society and into a system and do not step out from accepted facts by majority about the world and system by itself.

                You are unique, you are individual, you are the only one very special, no one is like you, those words I heard many times and the eyes gives me the perception and validate those to such extent, that I became those words and I became living entity as separated from everything and everyone.

                To make the fuckup really perfect and hit the nail, I separated from my body through the words I heard within my head in absolute trust that those words are me and that I am those words and thus I started to live in my head and reactions, back chats within my mind, and mind delivers me on golden plate those words, very likely to make sure that I will remain in accepted prison of myself – in the head as words popping in the mind.

                I realized, that eyes deceive me, the pictures I see and how I learned to interpret them and what value I gave into a pictures and what meaning I connected to them, have perfect ability to deceive me in absolutely professional manner, just through my acceptance.

                Are the things the way I perceive? Are those pictures everything I can see? Am I separated just only because I see things that way and accept that way? Am I living in a reality or In my mind? Is the reality picture based?

                No, I just learned to interpret reality as pictures. And extensively judge.

                But let’s have a look on words, what words one speak carry, what is the meaning and what Is the point one is speaking about. What is behind those words and why one speaks those words?

 Is interesting to see through the words and through the picture one present, as to look at the words gives one ability to be no more deceived.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my physical eyes to such extent, that from this trust I created within me believe that I am separated from everything and everyone I can see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my physical eyes as perception that what I can see is separated from me and through this validate myself as ego and as separated entity from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to put different value to different pictures and different colors I can see through my eyes and from this value derive likeness or not likeness of that what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I see reality as pictures separated from me, that thanks to this acceptance I can manipulate and abuse reality according my will and desires and needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire and want that what is here to function according my needs/wants/and projections instead of realizing that through this I am living as the mind in separation from myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from myself and from what is here through my physical eyes in believing that because I see reality as pictures thus I have to be separated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from my body through the voice I hear in my head and gave value and attention to this words and think and believe I am those words.

I commit myself to investigate the values I placed into each and single one picture I can see and investigate the energy creation through this pictures and my living as energy.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 5 : Excuses and Justifications

                Fuck, how much I loved excuses, and still, from certain perspective like.

                Excuse: I will not do it, it is hard.

What I really speak:  It looks that it is hard and I even will not try to do it because what if I will see and realize that it was just my perception and excuse why I can step back and do nothing and justify my inaction.

Excuse: They/he/she do it, why I should not?

What I really speak: I see what they are doing, and even if it is abuse, manipulation or trying to get attention or just act in way of self interest, I am comparing myself to them and I gave my direction away as I want to do as what they do and thus justify my actions, needs in separation from all and just stand as ego which consider only my self-interest.

                I could continue with various excuses for various situations, but all excuses serve just as and justification for ego as separated entity why ego as me, me as ego, why I can act the way which consider only my self interest, my desires and my wants and do not see consequences of this actions.

                Excuses serve perfectly, mainly for falling, to excuse and justify why I can fall and do not stand for myself and for life, why I can fall into bubble illusions of me and not stand up and direct myself accordingly within the word and system to support myself and others to make the change possible and bring here the equal life opportunities for all.

                Simply said, excuses serve as a tool, why I can fuck life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses and justifications for my falling, instead of investigate this excuse or justification, get rid of it and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like to use excuses which gave me false perception and idea about myself and about my actions/inactions within the world as tool for abuse, manipulation in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like to justify in front of myself why I can fall or why I fall with various excuses as a tool to do not see what I am really doing and what will be consequences of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses and justifications as a tool to remain hidden within me and not stand up and direct myself accordingly where all are considered equally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses as a tool why I can fuck life and why I can do what I want as an ego in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use excuses as a tool why I can remain separated within my mind and not stand up for myself and for life.

I commit myself to investigate each single excuse and justification within me, get rid of it and stand up for myself and for life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 4 : Patience

                I have to say, that most of my life I was impatient, when I wanted something thus immediately, get this or that or experience this, or resolve something but immediately, because if not immediately thus rather never and I let it go.

                With this attitude, I let behind me some unsolved things for a years, mostly in front of system and in front of authorities of the system, and as this points are coming back and I have to face what I unsolved before, everything is like lasting too long, all points which I solve took too long.

                The authorities have time, they are no in rush and they do not require serving to citizens in best manner and try and support to resolve task and issues best way. No, they have time and once problems occurs, I realized within this, how much I am dependent on decisions of the system and solutions systems provide.

                I have to be patient, I have to “ wait “ how much is required to wait, I have to do necessary steps to resolve it, but within this no nervous, no in rush, just be here, and step by step, participate on resolving that what needs to be resolved.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not resolve that I knew and was aware that needs to be resolved.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be impatient in solving tasks, issues, problems and want to do it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to get things for myself and fix things immediately with any time frame allowed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that things in system work in time line thus the very same way have to be walked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to demand to fix issues I created immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be pissed off by the necessity to have time go for resolving issues, problems I created.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be pissed off that I am bound to time as my perception of past and future, instead of realizing that only what exist is moment here and who I am here within this moment will have consequence on each other moments.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself as impatient and thus create within me perception and need that I require things to be done/happen immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not like the fact that solutions for fixing problems require time line, step by step, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me rush and demand solutions immediately instead of realizing and see the very mechanics how things works.

I commit myself to be patient in front of facing problems, issues, tasks and do not create within me energy experiences in regards of steps required to make things done.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 3 : Sleep, sleep, remain in trance

                You need to sleep to grow up, You need to sleep because it is time to go to bed, You have to go sleep, You have to wake up - it is time, You can’t sleep longer, Go to bed – it is not time to wake up, You have to go to school – you have to wake up, Wake up – we go away, Wake up – we go to work, Wake up – we go to church, You have to sleep – otherwise you will be tired, You have to sleep – if don’t you will not be strong, To sleep 8 hours is good, I like to sleep 8 hours, I like to sleep really long, Is good to sleep 8 hours or more, you need it, and your body also. You must be tired, This is exhausting and hard – I will be tired, I feel I am tired, If I’ll do that – I will be tired, I worked hard – thus I must be tired, Do not disturb me – go to sleep.

                Some of the statements I heard from my parents, my family members, or others when I was young, some of them I took and start to believe that are true and some I rejected or became pisses off about, some I shaped according my perception of particular situation.

                As a young boy, when I was looking forward on something which should happen tomorrow, I can’t stay in bed when I opened eyes and jumped out of the bed, when school years come I postponed my jumping from bed and over years it was no longer jumping but rather sneaking.

                What was in my mind as next day responsibilities, issues, possible experiences etc. therefore according this my waking up shaped and time how long I spent in bed.

                As a child, when I had to learn English words and as I was forced to learn it, I rejected it many times and when the time for “exams” come at the evening  I rather pretended that I am sleeping and hide in front of fact, that I fucked off to learn some “stupid “ words without any meaning to me, as I saw no purpose why I should to learn English words if no one is speaking with such words around me, I rather played and enjoyed myself. Thus I used sleeping as hiding and as protection mechanism.

                I enjoyed the dreams as a child as I have no idea or understanding what dreams means and this supported me in creating various mind projections about the world, my life, me. I never understood how is possible that I see the light and pictures in dreams, as I have closed eyes, how come that I move or experience anything while I am sleeping, just mind, nothing of that real.

                Lot of times in past I experienced big struggles when I wanted to sleep, now mostly I fall asleep in one moment, I just breathe in and out and I am sleeping, to go to sleep mostly it is not process anymore, sometimes the waking up is still process, as I do not want to go out from bed immediately as I like just laying and relax.

                With the waking up at the morning, I had really big struggles with that, now it is much better and last times I am able to sleep 5-6 hours, and be not tired during the day, and wake up and do not again fall asleep, as with this I had huge issue, but anyway, it is still not immediate and constant.

                The feeling of tiredness and believing that it is tiredness or that I am tired, I experienced always in my head region, very cool how mind is able to place energy experience into head and also how easy it is to fall to believe that this experience is real.

                In the past, I would never even think that I can manage from sleeping 8-10 hours or more into a 5-6 hours sleeping and be fine with me and ok during the day.  Still it is not perfect, still it is not absolutely constant, so, what is perfection about? To manage things, living into consistent and constant application of self, in all aspects and all facets of self, here, constant and consistent, this will be quite interesting.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have and need to sleep to grow up.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep according saying that it is time to go to sleep and bound and link the decision to go sleep into a time and what time it is, instead of necessity of my physical body to rest.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to submit in front of saying that I have to go sleep and dictate from my environment.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to link my waking up into a time and time perception and believing that it is time to wake up, instead of allowing myself to wake up and stand up from the bed when my physical body is rested.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept the saying that I can’t sleep more instead of trusting to my body as physical and see and realize when my body is rested.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to link and attach my waking up into a necessity to go to school and connect and create within me not likeness of going to school and from this derive not likeness to want to wake up and stand up from the bed.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me not likeness to wake up and stand up from the bed when I was forced to wake up and from this to create within me perception and believe that I am still tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to sleep as when not that I will be tired, instead of realizing the necessity of my physical body to rest and relax.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that if I will go to sleep I will be strong.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that to sleep 8 hours is good and that I need to sleep this time frame.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me likeness to sleep long and define this long as more than 8 hours time frame.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that it is good to sleep more than 8 hours time frame and think and believe that my body needs to rest, sleep and relax more than 8 hours.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I work on something that I have to be tired and not realizing if my body is really physically tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the projection that if I will work on something which I perceive as hard that I will be tired or exhausted and from this exist within and as mind projection that something is hard and that if I will do that I will be tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I completed and finish something which I perceive as hard thus I have to be tired, instead of see and realize if my physical body is really tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use sleeping as hiding in front of myself as protection mechanism in front of fact that I do not completed my responsibilities or that what was required from myself to complete or learn.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use sleeping as hiding in front of fact that I rejected something which I was forced to learn or complete and thus do not have to face it.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not stand up from bed immediately when I open my eyes and took my breath in.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I will stand up from bed immediately after I wake up that I will be tired during the day and that I will not be rested properly.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like and create likeness within me with postponing my standing up from the bed after I woke up, instead of stand up immediately as I know and realize that anyway I will have to stand up.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not be consistent with my sleeping less than 6 hours.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think that when I slept for several days less than 6 hours I deserve to sleep at least one day more than 6 hours.

I commit myself to sleep less than 6 hours consistently.

I commit myself to stand up from bed after I wake up and took my breath in.

I commit myself to be constant and consistent with my application of sleeping less than 6 hours.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 2 – Resistance

                I resist writing. I resist writing each day. I resist writing each day for week, or month, I know I can do it, last year I wrote consequential blogs for 40 days or something like that, thus I proved to myself that I can do it, but within this, I resist writing as I see where this will lead me. I am bit scared.

                By paradox, the idea of freedom or to be free, is based on ego and self interest, and this I perceived as my freedom, that I can do what I want, where no one was considered except me, my own benefit. This all, is not real freedom and have nothing to do with experience myself free, all just chains.

                The prison I created for myself is almost all I know, all I thought I can be, all I thought I will ever experience and definitely perceived I can’t change and thus I am powerless in front of my creation. It is not so.

                I resist as I am bit scared of unknown, I am bit scared from myself and from that who I really am, as it is no more about false security of thoughts and energy experiences.

                I used energy to blind me as I separated myself from energy and thus I required to get it to be able live and experience myself in perception it is real experience of me. It was not so.

                Thus I ask, when I really experienced myself, myself as who I really am? Only few moments come, just few, in meaning, the memories how different it was this experiences and expression of me, when I place myself into confrontation with energy experiences.

                I resist as my own dishonesty is like ingrained completely in my body and as I am able to look within me in self honesty, I see that some doors in my life are closed forever. To walk decision and never come back, as this is impossible as wherever I look and wherever I will go I will be there always.

                I resist as I liked excuses but in self honesty there is no valid excuse, no one exist. Thus I am bit scared to live in self honesty as whole my life I lived in deception of myself.

                I resist as I liked to lie to me and live in lies, speak this lies and live this lies. But, in regards of this, I can call it “problem“ in meaning, I am aware of it.

                I resist as I see that nothing will be like it use to be and everything of me will change, I will change in all aspects and all facets of me, not just some as till this moment, but completely everything, no point will remain hidden and no point will remain unasked and unchallenged. I’ll die. But the new I will be born.

                I see why it is worth to do it and I trust myself I can do it, thus let’s have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to resist writing each day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to resist writing each day because I see that all my self definitions will cease to exist, everything I know and define myself into will diminish and thus create within me fear and experience of fear and experience of to be scared as projection to the future what it will mean or how I will exist if everything I know will be gone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive freedom as freedom of choice of my ego and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be scared of myself as to be free and not defined by and through anything I know and thus create within me the projection and idea about what to be free or what freedom is.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself believe that I can’t change myself and that I am powerless to change myself and that I have to remain in believes and ideas about myself as definitions of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I am to week to stand up and say No, stop, till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experiences is what I like and what I need to be able function and exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself according energy experiences and separate myself from the energy and thus think and believe that energy is what I need.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself became addicted on energy and experience myself as to be high when I have a lot of energy generated within me and perceived myself as being low when is lack of energy within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself become energy addict.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from energy and thus believe that I need energy and through polarity create friction within me and generate this energy for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself resist my own dishonesties and do not want to look within me what I have allowed and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to remain dishonest and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that to be dishonest is normal as common living.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself I can’t change from dishonesty into self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself like various excuses as validation why I can remain rather dishonest and not actually stand up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate myself into dishonesty as that is what I know and live thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not allowed myself to see and realize what I am really doing unto myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust my own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to learn to be dishonest and thus accept this state of me as my living.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that mind always know better than me what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am the mind and thus do not stand up for myself as directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like to lie to myself and deceive myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to become the lies of my living and define myself according lies I lived and spoke.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate others with the lies to get what I want and to get what I need.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my own lies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change instead of realizing that I can change and let go what do not support me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive change as something terrible and from this derive perception that it is hard to change instead of realizing that to change and stand up is about self honest decision in front of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to die instead of realizing that only what can die are the systems within me I allowed and accepted and that life will remain.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive the letting go of the systems and self definitions, believes, ideas, desires, needs, fears as something which I am losing, instead of realizing that in letting go I am freeing myself from dictate of my mind and my own allowances and acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I will be bound into mind forever.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the projections and ideas about the future as what and who I will be when I will let go my mind, instead of realizing that future do not exist and thus all projections and ideas do not exist as well, all just created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist in and as mind as time creation, instead of allowing myself to see and realize that I am here as breath.

I commit myself to write each day.

I commit myself to use SF each day, to write SF and speak SF.

Thanks, Juraj