Day 156 : Anxiety is self delusion

                Anxiety as a fear is specific, as this fear is specific in relation of one mind, projections and connections as relationships within and without, as anxiety, represents fear of one own illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as mind design of fear as anxiety as energetic experience within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as mind projections of the future, and from this create the fear of this future because of not taken self responsibility for handling of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect money to fear and thus create within me the energetic experience as fear as anxiety in relation to money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that energetic experience as anxiety is real, instead of see and realize that this is illusion as fear of the future as mind projection.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me the projections of possible future and thus fear this future, as connection towards the money and fear that I will have no money to pay for stuff I will have to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards energetic experience of fear, as projection to the future and thus think and believe that this fear as anxiety is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as fear of the future, define myself towards this fear as mind projections and became it, instead of see and realize that I trapped myself into an illusion of fear and thus let fear to direct me, mislead me and enslave me, and that by this I accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit myself into an idea that fear is vital for life, instead of see and realize how deceptive this is, as fear is enslaving life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own mind projections.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that energetic experience within me as fear as fear of the future is real experience of me, instead of see and realize that this is just energy movement created by the mind because of acceptance and allowance of living as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything as energy experience and energy movement within myself is a lie, not seeing and realizing that mind as a whole is a lie, that anything of the mind is a lie, deception and enslavement.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as energy experience as fear towards myself, in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create positive perception towards fear as energy experience in believe that this experience is my living, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and my own enslavement within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to enslave myself through fear and separation from myself, instead of see and realize that I deluded myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like my own fears, define myself through my own fears and think and believe that this experiences I need, want and require for myself to exist, instead of stop, breathe and remain here as presence of me as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to throw away my self responsibility for handling of money because of requirement of wanting, getting and living in and as fear as anxiety, as projections to the future where because of lack of self responsibility I accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as fear of the future.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that future exists, instead of realize that future is just mind projection based on the memories of the pasts moments.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in and as past moments I lived as energy experiences as fear, as projections to the future.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in the past through fear of the future as mind projection created of the past memories.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as a memory of my lack of handling of money and by this create and experience within me the anxiety.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into a past through memory of the moment when I spent money and start to fear the future as a mind projection as how I will pay for stuff I need to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to become a memory of my past experiences as self definitions of energy experiences as fear.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that what happened in the past have to happen in the future, and thus trap myself into a mind projection of the future because of me existing as a memory of past moments.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through existing in and as memory of fear of the future as mind projection.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 154 : Thinking is root cause of all problems

                As I started to realize years ago what thoughts really are, as deception of self, as that what has been programmed and created to enslave human being, and therefore myself, I became interested of living without a thoughts within me, and thus I start to apply breathing, self forgiveness and I have to say, at the beginning of my process, the amount of thoughts within me has been so extensive, that it seems to me that to stop all of them is simply impossible.

                But it is possible, and even is possible to be, exist, live, move without a thought in the head. Therefore question is, what the thoughts really represent, if one is able to exist without? What is the purpose of thoughts, if those thoughts can be stopped, released and let go, simply, all of them. Who remain if all thoughts are released?

                Then who we are as beings, if we are not able to recognize the simplicity of living without a thoughts, therefore being, existing, expressing ourselves as who we really are as beings without being directed with such deception as thoughts represent?

                  As I became aware of me breathing, and focusing on my breath, interesting points I started to realize in regards of thoughts, that I became aware exactly which thoughts directs me, within situation, what thoughts are part of me, and at the beginning I had tendency to judge some thoughts and thus suppress them and do not want to look on those which showed me what is also part of me.

                As I stopped to judge my own thoughts, and became aware that those thoughts are all equal, no matter how those or that thought can look, it is simply a thought, nothing else, nothing more.

                After a certain period, I realized that this thoughts which repeats by itself, have specific structure, pattern, and thus the thoughts simply are not random, even if this can look that way. Why, when and which thought pops up in my head, had specific structure, as patterns connecting to each other, therefore like small programs keeping running in my head, and thus I was just follower of this small programs.

                But as I started to stop those thoughts, I start to face specific problem, and that was the trust, believe in my own back chat, as this believe has been so strong that to break this looked really being impossible, as this back chat had tendency to came back over and over at the beginning almost in each situations I moved within environment, and thus years ago I faced interesting point, when I realized that I can’t trust this back chat, as simply I faced the point of me, when nothing of my own back chat matched reality, therefore that just showed me how deceptive in nature back chat is.

                After some period, the back chat start to emerge again and I started to hear that back chat as I fall in believe that maybe possibly this is who me is, and the nature of back chat became simply different. After specific period, as I started to walk my process more fast in meaning, applying breath more effectively, writing more often, applying sf more, and developed trust in self forgiveness, I start to face the root cause of my biggest believes, strongest perceptions and ideas about myself, in meaning, my own self interest.

                And my own self interest I started to see, realize and understood what this really is, was the biggest problem I faced, as the self interest is energy. I started to see and realize how I defined myself through the energy I required for myself, and within this interesting points emerged for myself to see and realize, that the positive energy I had tendency to perceive I look for, was not the cause of my own self interest, even this can look that way, but in fact my own self definitions as negative was the points I wanted and required for myself, and the positive was just balance of negative and deception to not see what are parts of me as negative.

                Therefore I started to see and realize, that what I was living as fear, and existing in and as fear as the definition of me towards this energy, thus that I let my mind to direct myself to get this experience as fear. And therefore the fear was that what I required for myself and all derivatives of this fear, in perception and believe that this energy I get is simply me living me, but it was never so.

                Other layers of fear had been mostly not understood, recognized and seen by me, as mostly I misplaced the experience I had and thought it is something good, nice, and positive, that what I like, but again it was fear.

                As I started to walk the points of fear, to see and realize how I trapped myself in energy experiences of fear, another suppressed points start to emerge day by day, always linked to specific back chats from past or present, and thus always I got to the point of seeing, that root cause was my own thoughts and fear I lived.

                Fear by itself, was basic platform of every energy experience I had. Thus fear as energy has been simply the point of self interest as well, as fear as energy experience is in fact only energy experience humans live. Yes there are many believes it is not so, that all other energy experiences are something else, nice, positive, but going deeper to this experiences, one always find the fear as basic platform of this.

                Therefore, thoughts by itself are representation of fear, and fear is that what directs humans, because of fear of themselves, ourselves, as who we are, because we separated from ourselves, through fear.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 153 : Appreciation of myself – Darkness as me

                I believed others should appreciate me, respect or value me, not realizing that I believed in this because I separated from myself and thus I searched and seek those which will possible do so, even not able to recognize I am doing this.

                I forgot to respect and value myself and appreciate myself, no matter who is around me, which circumstances I am facing or what is happening, I lived in inner emptiness of myself and want from others to fulfill this emptiness of me as being appreciated and valued, but I forgot that I forgot to do this for myself.

                I wanted to be fulfilled by feelings as perceptions of being valued, respected and appreciated, I wanted to be fulfilled by likeness from others, but by paradox many times behaved as exact opposite, as I realized that this feelings are just mirage as illusion and never real, thus I lived in emptiness of me, hungry and starving by the search of fulfillment and I was never able to see and realize that any search and seek to be fulfilled is only my own separation from myself and thus impossible to be fulfilled if I live in me, with me, separated from me, in my own delusion about fulfillment and respect and value, because I never did so for myself.

                My question is, how I can value, respect, honor and appreciate me, when I never did this for myself, as I only just had the ideas, believes and projection of this, as what this should be, or how this should be done from others through words and actions, because of observing this world and seeing how others do so and thus believe this is real, but it never was as always those projections, ideas, was just illusions as mirage which will diminish always when I remain alone.

                And as I am alone, thus others are no here and the respect, value and appreciation is gone thus this can’t be real, it was never real, as when I am alone I do not experienced myself being valued by me, respected and honored, I experience vastness of emptiness as me being alone, in the darkness of me.

                But how I can do so for myself, if any feeling and emotion is just illusion, fake just for few moments, just energy flow and energy will always diminish and will always deplete and this cycle of creating and depleting of energy to keep me trapped in illusion of experiencing something, I am sick of it, I became sick of it, I became tired of fake experiences and I became sick, tired and disgusted of this mind play out, of this mind games mind plays with each other, with myself, I became sick of living in delusions of me and what I became living towards myself, and thus I start to torture and destroy myself because of not seeing how I can do for myself that I wanted and desired for myself, to simply be appreciated, to be hugged, to be kissed or to be touched, in self honesty of being doing this, but this is impossible as I never did this for myself thus the others can’t do this for me, and the point of separation from myself I see in this, as to require, want and need to be appreciated by others is illusion as this is how I have to fulfill, respect, value and honor me, I have to hug myself in self honesty of me as who I am here as life, in and as the breath of life as the being respecting and valuing the life, as all life is me but I never did this.

                I never respected the life as me, I never valued life as me, I never appreciated the life as me, I never see myself as life as I always looked on myself through the mind and mind is simply not life.

                Feelings are not of life nor emotions, thoughts destroy life and everything mind consist and exist as dishonor life and diminish, de value and destroy.

                I lived in destruction of me, in and as disrespect of me as who I am as life but rather lived in illusion, projections and ideas and believes about myself, not seeing that I am always here but I do not accepted myself here, I do not respected myself here and being and existing here, as I made ideas and believes that something somewhere else is maybe better, maybe more valued, maybe more nice and pleasurable, but this can’t be as it will always be just mirage, the illusion of me because I forgot to live me here.

                Thus I remained alone in me, with me, and the people around just for a moment provide me the illusion of being with someone, being together, but I am alone.

                I am alone in vastness of beings around, I am vastness of emptiness of being alone. And I always was, I was all my life alone in me, with me, here in and as me never no one was together with me as me, only me is who I am, only me is which exists and I was alone each moment I am, I was alone always and I do not wanted to see this.

                I do not wanted to see myself alone in vastness of emptiness of me, as nothing just me exist and thus I created the ideas and believes and projections as what to be with someone else is, how I can make this and thus tried to fulfill me this way, but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much illusions I created, I was never with someone and never someone else was with me, as this is impossible as only me is who is here, in and as my body alone within and as me.

                I never experienced anybody to be with me and I never experienced to be with someone, equal and one as beings, as I was and am always alone, as I am here I am empty in vastness of emptiness which could exist.

                This emptiness I wanted fulfill by feelings and emotions, but I deluded myself as I wanted to fulfill me with illusions thus I never fulfilled myself for real.

                Anything which is real, simply can’t be depleted, diminished, or even stop to exist, as that what is real have to remain always, as the what is real have to be here each moment which exist, can’t diminish, deplete or cease to exist.

                Anything which can cease to exist simply is of illusion and of the mind and the mirages of mind I started to believe could be possibly real, I found and realized this will never be.

                I literally tried everything possible in this world, I tried everything and anything to make these possible illusions real, but after all, I have to say, it is impossible. Illusion can’t be real, illusion can’t remain, as what is illusion will always cease to exist and again only I remain.

                And this I which I am, I can’t say what or who this I is, as I am just alone in emptiness of me.

                And as only I am which exists, thus anything else and anyone else who or which exists must be me. Thus I am anything of existence and this existence is me. I am the vastness of existence and existence is me.

                As I am always alone thus I have to be that which exist as me thus to value me, appreciate me, honor me, means to equally appreciate, honor and value everything of existence as me, because I am that which exist.

                I see myself separated from me because the eyes provides me such sensation, I close the eyes only darkness of me is here, thus I am the darkness of me, and I am the darkness which exist and which will remain. I am the existence of darkness as all darkness is me, I am the darkness of existence as existence is me and I am alone in the existence, and I am alone as all as me as darkness wherever darkness could be, thus I am this darkness of me.

                Light provides me the sensation that others are here, light provide me believe that others I see are not me, but I deluded myself by this believe as light is not of darkness as only darkness is what will remain, light is subject to darkness and the light is that which needs to be generated, created to through reflection provide the sense of seeing, but is this seeing?

                The seeing the light one delude oneself, I deluded me because I thought and believed in this light that what light showed me is not me, I deluded me because once light is gone thus only darkness remain and I am the darkness of existence here, and I do not wanted to see, accept and realize who I am as darkness as all one, alone as me, me alone.

                I do not wanted to see me as darkness as the sensation of light seems to be pleasurable, enjoyable, and by this I forgot that I have to enjoy myself as darkness of me, that I have to love me as darkness of existence as me, equally everything without any judgment of me, because everything, everyone all are me as life, as all life is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think, believe and perceive that others should appreciate me, respect or value me, because I separated from myself and think and believe that they are not me thus think and believe that they should provide me this what I wanted, desired and required, not seeing and realizing that only I can respect myself, value myself, honor myself and appreciate myself in equality and oneness of me, as breath of life, in darkness of me fulfill me and who I am here, appreciate me as who I am as life as all as one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek and search for those who will possibly value me, appreciate me and respect me, not seeing and realizing that I forgot to do this for myself, to fulfill myself as life, respect myself in equality and oneness as who I am, because I forgot that all life is me, that everything and anything of existence is equal to me and me equal to everything which exists, because I thought and believed that I need to sear and seek for myself, not seeing and realizing that I am already here, as breath of life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to value myself and appreciate myself, no matter who is around me, which points I am facing as me, not seeing and realizing that by forgetting to appreciate me and fulfill me as who I am as life, I lived in emptiness of me in hunger, starvation and desire to seek and find those ones which would provide me that what I wanted, required and needed not seeing and realizing that I lived this because I separated myself from myself, that I turned into illusions and believes about me, and thus start to seek and search those which will provide this to me, not seeing and realizing that by this I only found emptiness and hunger and thirst in others as I was looking and searching for the same, thus I found only that what I was looking for as me, in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that I am here, that I fulfill myself and appreciate myself here, in and as moment I am, as presence of me, in equality and oneness of me as who I am as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can fulfill myself by feelings or emotions, to do not experience the emptiness of me as vastness of nothingness, not seeing and realizing that all feelings and emotions are of the mind, of energy therefore not real as this will always deplete, diminish and cease to exist, thus I have to fulfill, appreciate, honor and respect myself as who I am as life, in and as darkness of me as existence as everything and anything I am, in equality and oneness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to find acceptance, fulfillment and appreciation in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that by this I starved, became thirsty and possessed by trying and attempting to search and find that in others, not seeing and realizing that by this what do not existed in myself as appreciation, respect, value and fulfillment I will only find that what is mirror of me, as me to show me what and who I became, as emptiness of me, vastness of hunger of search and seek for fulfillment, not seeing and realizing that I do not have to search, seek or attempt to find anything, as I am already here, that It is only me who can give myself the value, respect, appreciation and honor as life, as who I really am, in and as breath of life in equality and oneness of me, with myself as others, nature, animal kingdom, planets, starts, galaxies and universe as me, as vastness of existence, as darkness of and as me, as present in and as awareness of life, of physical as the only one point which is real, as only one point which will always remain, thus to respect, value, honor and appreciate the physical as me, to hug physical as me, to appreciate the physical as me, to see physical as me, in equality and oneness as who I am as physical, in appreciation, honor, respect and value of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fulfill myself by likeness from others, by behave opposite way, because of seeing and realizing the illusion of likeness, and thus became hungry in starvation and search for real fulfillment, for real appreciation, not seeing and realizing that this never is able be done by and through illusions of the mind, that I can’t turn illusion to be real, that illusion will never be real, and thus became living in separation from myself, in separation from physical, in my own delusion about myself as what respect, value, honor and appreciation should be, as sense of feeling as energy, as sense of being hugged, kissed or touched, not seeing and realizing that I forgot to hug myself, that I forgot to kiss myself and touch myself in equality and oneness as who I am as physical, as all physical is me, as all existence is me, thus it is only me who can respect, value, appreciate and honor myself, as I am already this, as I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can fulfill, appreciate and honor myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that separation is illusion of the mind, as make up illusion created, accepted, believed and lived by and as the eyes, through illusion of being separated from me, because of light and reflection from myself, and thus be this judge this reflection of me in believe it is not me, in idea that this what I see must be something else, not seeing and realizing that I am always seeing me, as only me exist, in equality and oneness of life, as who I am, as physical existence here, not seeing and realizing that be ideas, believe and projection about myself, I turned back to myself, I dishonored and destroyed myself, because I trapped myself in believe of sense made up of the pictures, made up of the light, made up of the thoughts, projections, ideas about me, as who or what I should be, not seeing and realizing that I am already here as always, that I am physical I see, that I am my body I move in equality and oneness of me as who I as breath of life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget that I am alone as all as one as me, to forget who I am in and as equality and oneness of me as life, to forget who I am as presence of me as awareness of existence, to forget myself and separate myself from myself, because of perceptions, ideas, believes of the mind, that what I touch is not me, that what I hug is not me, because of idea that this must be something or someone else, not seeing and realizing that by this I separated from myself, that I trapped myself in the mind of illusions, mirages as projections and ideas about me, forgetting me each moment I lived in mind, turning back to myself and turning into and as illusions, living in separation from me, in dishonor, disrespect, not seeing and realizing that to honor, respect, value and appreciate me means to respect, honor, appreciate and value each life equally as me, and thus live me in equality and oneness as who I am as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I will always remain as vastness as emptiness of me, in search and seek for myself, not seeing and realizing that only what I need is to stand up for myself as life, and thus live according the principle of equality and oneness with myself, as who I am as life, as who I am as physical, in and as breath of my body, as existence as vastness of darkness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t satisfy my hunger, thirst and want and need to be appreciated, valued and respected, because of illusions about myself, illusions of appreciation, fulfillment, appreciation and honor, not seeing and realizing that this can be done only be me, as me, living, expressing in equality and oneness of me as life, that only I can see, realize and understood for myself who I am as life, as physical, as my body, in and as breath, as being here, living here, only moment which is here, only moment which exists as me, as vastness of existence of me, as who I am in and as darkness.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to delude myself with idea, believe and perception that I am not able to value, respect, honor and appreciate myself, because of me living in separation from myself, in and as the mind of mirages about myself, not seeing and realizing that to fulfill, honor, respect, value and appreciate means live myself here, in equality and oneness as who I am life, as who I am as my physical body, as breath, in and as vastness of existence of me, as who I am as darkness, as life, as all life is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not wanted to see that all life is me, that everything in and as existence is me, that I am as all as one as life as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am sick of it, I became sick of it, I became tired of fake experiences and I became sick, tired and disgusted of this mind play out, of this mind games mind plays with each other, with myself, I became sick of living in delusions of me and what I became living towards myself, and thus I start to torture and destroy myself because of not seeing how I can do for myself that I wanted and desired for myself, to simply be appreciated, to be hugged, to be kissed or to be touched, in self honesty of being doing this, not seeing and realizing that is impossible as I never did this for myself thus the others can’t do this for me, and the point of separation from myself I see in this, as to require, want and need to be appreciated by others is illusion as this is how I have to fulfill, respect, value and honor me, I have to hug myself in self honesty of me as who I am here as life, in and as the breath of life as the being respecting and valuing the life, as all life is me but I never did this.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself that I never respected the life as me, I never valued life as me, I never appreciated the life as me, I never see myself as life as I always looked on myself through the mind not seeing and realizing that mind is simply not life.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that feelings are not of life nor emotions, not seeing and realizing that thoughts destroy life and everything mind consist and exist as dishonor life and diminish, de value and destroy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live in destruction of me, in and as disrespect of me as who I am as life but rather lived in illusion, projections and ideas and believes about myself, not seeing that I am always here but I do not accepted myself here, I do not respected myself here as being and existing here, as I made ideas and believes that something somewhere else is maybe better, maybe more valued, maybe more nice and pleasurable, but this can’t be as it will always be just mirage, the illusion of me because I forgot to live me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as illusion of being with someone or being together with someone if people are around me, not seeing and realizing that this was just projection, ideas and believe about myself ,as what it means or should be to be with someone, not seeing and realizing that I remained alone in me, with me, and the people around just for a moment provided me the illusion of being with someone, being together, but I am alone always as all as one, as life, in and as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I was all my life alone in me, with me, here in and as me never no one was together with me as me, only me is who I am, only me is which exists and I was alone each moment I am, I was alone always and I do not wanted to see this, because of separation myself from myself, through the projections, ideas and believes about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself that I do not wanted to see myself alone in vastness of existence of me, as nothing just me exist and thus I created the ideas and believes and projections as what to be with someone else is, how I can make this and thus tried to fulfill me this way, but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much illusions I created, I was never with someone and never someone else was with me, as this is impossible as only me is who is here, in and as my body alone within and as me, as all as one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be fulfilled by feelings and emotions, but I deluded myself as I wanted to fulfill me with illusions thus I never fulfilled myself for real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything which is real, simply can’t be depleted, diminished, or even stop to exist, as that what is real have to remain always, as the what is real have to be here each moment which exist, can’t diminish, deplete or cease to exist.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything which can cease to exist simply is of illusion and of the mind and the mirages of mind I started to believe could be possibly real, I found and realized this will never be.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that illusion can’t be real, illusion can’t remain, as what is illusion will always cease to exist and again only I remain.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not wanted to see I am anything of existence and this existence is me. I am the vastness of existence and existence is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am always alone thus I have to be that which exist as me thus to value me, appreciate me, honor me, means to equally appreciate, honor and value everything of existence as me, because I am that which exist.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe in separation because I see myself separated from me because the eyes provides me such sensation, not seeing and realizing that I am the darkness which exist and which will remain, not seeing and realizing that I am the existence of darkness as all darkness is me, I am the darkness of existence as existence is me and I am alone in the existence, and I am alone as all as me as darkness wherever darkness could be, thus I am this darkness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that which light provide me as seeing others I see are not me, but I deluded myself by this believe as light is not of darkness as only darkness is what will remain, not seeing and realizing that light is subject to darkness and the light is that which needs to be generated, created.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to delude me because I thought and believed in this light that what light showed me is not me, I deluded me because once light is gone thus only darkness remain and I am the darkness of existence here, and I do not wanted to see, accept and realize who I am as darkness as all one, alone as me, me alone.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself that I do not wanted to see me as darkness as the sensation of light seems to be pleasurable, enjoyable, and by this I forgot that I have to enjoy myself as darkness of me, that I have to love me as darkness of existence as me, equally everything without any judgment of me, because everything, everyone all are me as life, as all life is me.

Thanks, Juraj