Day 18 : Secret mind – so secret that even I didn’t saw

                The secret should be something that no one knows, that no one see, only some specific persona, group, etc. according specificity of the secret be itself, as it should remain hidden.

                Thus I was always in believe, that secret mind is something which I am hiding in front of others, and thus do not want to share or present, today I realized, secret mind is what I do not want to reveal to myself.

                To present something to others or not is mainly point of fear, hiding etc, as some other components are obviously related to this, but secret, what is therefore my secret?

                What is so hidden within me, what it is so suppressed that I didn’t wanted to see and turn blind eye on that for all costs? What it is, really, that I protected that secret in front of myself so perfectly, so deeply, even I am surprised that I was able to hide stuff within me in front of me so masterly.

                Last moments, day or two, my mind became really furious for energy, what started coming up within me was a bit a shock for me so I started apply SF points as I didn’t wanted to create some great mess as I was aware that if I will follow those points mind showed me it would lead to disaster for myself in certain manner.

                I was surprised by violence of that points, the nature of thoughts which ignited within me was by nature extremely ego oriented, selfish, spiteful, harmful, all for sake to get what mind simply require, energy.

                I was not aware that this I carried within me through my life, thus I became curious, as I walked to home, I simply asked loudly the very question. From where this came, when and how I captured this?

                My Father, was immediate answer from my mouth. The very observation how my father behaved, how was his attitude towards women, what he did to me or how he behaved. I captured this and connected energy to this points and suppressed over time so perfectly that I didn’t even knew a shit that this is part of me, as all of that I covered with other stuff and thus wanted to shape my behavior according society accepted manners, male female behavior mainly.

                As my mind tried everything to get me to that points, and get energy, as I applied SF on that points, which was quite extensive, the nature of thoughts start to shape and like backdoors opened to manipulate me anyway to do what mind wanted.

                I tried to be with breath and apply SF but still, something within me, which I still couldn’t see, something, very secretly hidden.

                As I was on the bed, and I took breath in, the words: I like it, emerged.

I realized, the very definition of myself in regards of that points, how when and why I allow to my mind to get energy, is likeness created through acceptance of my father as statute, as figure in front of me, as accepted behavior, as that what I saw as a child, as that what I copied from him and created likeness as it was my father and he did things that way so I liked it.

And this likeness and acceptance of this likeness of those points became my living, by paradox absolutely unaware what the fuck, and why the fuck I like it. From that likeness I created desires, wants, needs and thirst within me to get what I like, but most of that points I suppressed because of nature of that points as I didn’t want to allow act that way, but by paradox it was/is still part of me, doesn’t matter that I didn’t lived it out as I carried it within me as part of me.

I saw, how I shaped some specific things exactly the same way as my father and acted the way how he did, especially towards my mother. From this, what I saw in front of me, as behavior of my father and mother, complex entire network emerged within me through my life and became me, I created that points within me, I connected it, and be paradox wanted to act opposite way as my father and mother, possibly as attempt to fix that what I saw between relationship of my parents and the points why their living, as two beings together should never happen.

Thus my behavior so deeply influenced by this scenarios between my parents was set up like this, copied from father how male behave towards female, but wanting to fix it so suppressed and created complex new persona as part of me which acted towards women as exact opposite of my father.

Thus very mind polarity definition, one behavior copied and created likeness towards it, but seeing that it is bullshit thus acting all my life as opposite of it.

What I lived in relationships? Just attempt to fix what I saw within my father as bullshits behavior towards women.

It was never me. It was never self honest. It was never living me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to copy behavior of male from my father and create towards behavior of my father likeness as authority where I placed him as statute in front of me and thus define myself according this behavior and through this accept and allow to myself to create energy within me as likeness of my father.

I commit myself to investigate the relationship between me and my father, each point I copied from him and release myself from these memories.

Thanks, Juraj