Laughter

I sat with my brother on the balcony, and he spoke about his teeth and the procedure of correcting the teeth, and I started to laugh.

I laugh not on him or about the topic we has been discussing , I started because the way how he spoke about it, but then suddenly I started laugh more and more, and this laughter comes within me, from me, my expression and I was surprised, I never laugh that way, as my laughter before was very different. Before it was of the mind.

I laugh as innocence of me, as smile of me, as who I am at the moment, with me, here, presence, I liked me with my laughing and I enjoyed it extensively, so I allowed myself to continue and laugh as purity of me, amazed.

Thanks, Juraj

Thoughts

I believed that thoughts are me, I trusted them and I followed them. It is not so. I am not the thoughts, I am not the conversations within me, and I am not the voice which used to speak within me.

The voice I followed mislead me, and the voice within me trapped me. I allowed it, I accepted it. So I trapped myself, I trapped me to believe the voice within me is me and I defined myself. I defined myself according words which spoke from me, I judged me and I punished me.

I presented me according judgment of myself, of the polarity, of the desires, of my needs and of my fears. None of them real. Illusions created within and followed, illusions of me lived. Did I live?

How could I lived me and experience me if I follow illusions? How could I experience who I am, moment by moment, if I allow the illusions to lead me?

I was hearing my back-chat millions of times, I believed is me who speak, I trusted that voice behind, I believed that voice is me. It is not.

Based on my judgments of me, my morality, I created personalities within me, 1, 2? No, many and many, worthless to count, as in front of each person my words changed, my expression, I manipulated myself.

Where my thoughts led me? Nowhere, through them I created energy within me, and I defined myself according this energy, based on polarity, on judgment, which one energy I would like to experience and which one not. One as fear, another as anger, another as love or sadness or even joy. And which one definition I lived, that was my experiences, split and friction, constant friction in constant emotional turmoil, many times not noticed what it is what is leading me.

Through the thoughts I created shame within me, desires, I judged what I lived, I feared to speak what I lived, how crazy this is. Worthless, illusions, believed it is me. It is not.

The thoughts deceive, the thoughts lie.

Uncountable how many time-loops I lived, and everything I lived was my mind, following as perfect slave my thoughts, my emotions and feelings, which none of them were real.

The prison of the mind, the bubble of the thoughts. The prison is the mind, perfect, because I believed it is me. How blind I was, how deaf I was.

Simplicity of the prison of the mind is, that it was me who allowed it.

Thanks, Juraj

My neighbor

I have been returning today at lunch time to home, and I saw my neighbor lying on the floor in front of the entrance to the building, I quickly recognized that it is something wrong with him, as he use to sit there and enjoy smoking while his dog is around him.

He had the brain issue due to the extensive alcohol abuse, so he lost ability to control his body correctly and simply sometimes he lose control of the body completely and someone around him have to help him.

So I came to him, took him off the ground ,stabilize his standing, open the entrance door, while the  female neighbor come to us to look if I need help with him, as she has been heading to her home also. I took him to the lift, then in front of his door and waited with him to open it and I let him go into his flat. I wanted make sure that he will be safe in his home, but when I went home I had little worries about him, if he will be able to move in his flat and so, because to lay on floor in flat with nobody around will be the same as lying on the street, maybe even worse because probably on street someone can meet him and help him.

Maybe someone can say that just only he is responsible for health and all problems which he caused to him due to alcohol abuse, but it isn’t so.

He just fit into well known pattern, while he has been fired from his job, then start to drink as he was unable to find new one, and as we know no one will employee the alcohol addict, so he ruined his existence to just on one level – waiting for death as death is only one possibility, slowly but surely, he is waiting for his last breath, with absolute no chance to change anything in his life,  as damage of his body is probably not been able to fix.

I live on the 8^th floor, he on 4^th, 4 levels below me, is persona waiting day by day, with the same cycle for his death. No life, just waiting.

Who support drinking alcohol in this country, world, and planet? Who is showing to the young ones, that drinking of alcohol is cool, and with that they can fit into society? Who support the governments which are completely manipulating the citizens to drink alcohol and perceive alcohol as the part of the life? Who support this scheme in this world? Etc…etc…I could place tons of similar questions.

So is only he responsible, or we all are responsible due to allowing and accepting this in the life, showing to others, not educating them properly, not teaching what really matters just only bullshits of society?

We all are equally responsible for everything what is going on in this world, due to our allowances and acceptances, simply, no one else. Only we are here and only we can fix this world and only we can change and only we can find solutions which will never allow for someone to fall into just waiting for death.

Join Desteni, join the community of people which are standing for equal life for all, equal opportunities,  join the community of people which are standing for that what really matters.

Thanks, Juraj

Love

In my life, I believed that love is energetic feeling inside the body.

I saw a girl, when I was just 8 years old, and I experienced immense energetic boost within my body. My legs trembles, my heart beats and energy is pumping through my body. I believed that this is experience of love. I can hardly look on her, I experience myself to be attracted to her, I want to speak with her and look into her eyes but I cannot. I can’t move, I can’t speak, I just stand and my body trembles.

I thought that this is experience of love.  I stored this experience within me and I started to search for love outside of me, believed that the persona/picture is the cause of that experience. I was not able to understand that time, that it was me who created this, it was me who allowed all the thoughts of shame/fear of rejection/energy movement/and self definition to this movement.

Time passed and I forgot and suppressed the experience within me, misinterpreted and misbelieved. I turned to 12-13 and I start to like girls more than boys and I started to feel better in presence of them.  I fall in love into one, but now as idea and believe because the picture I saw in front of me, and I recognize this picture as suitable. But behind the picture I saw another things, I can call it personal abilities of that girl related to learning, the way she speaks, the way she moves, movement of her lips when she speaks, her eyes. I didn’t experience the energetic feeling as before, this fall in love is more base on my desires to explore the woman body, desires to be with someone, and finally to experience the presence of girl and enjoy the time with her.

My school years passed and I went to different school, only boys there. So there was no reason for me to manipulate my behavior in front of girls, as I did sometimes in previous one, in front of girls I wanted to looked better, more clever, with different way of speaking, now it is not necessary, I saw one of my class mate, I became interested in him just in manner of observation.  I was surprised about his look, because the links of his face looks more like girl, but he was a boy.  I found this fascinating, that boys can also look very similar like girls, but they behave completely different.

When I turned to 17, my searching for love changed and started to be based on desire for sex, experience sex and presence of girl, to be with her and explore, and date with her. I wanted to fit into the idea and pattern as all was in, that relationship consists of boy and girls, they have sex together and they share/explore and have fun. But I was not satisfied. I was not because I was not able to feel within me the energetic boost, that immense attraction to girl as I was 8. Still I didn’t understand that time what that mean, why I experienced it and what will be the consequences of that.

I had a pause, long one, forced by myself and the law of country, as I become imprisoned for several years. When I returned to daily life, everything behind me looked like one moment, like never happened, never existed.

My search for love start to continue interlinked with desire for sex and explore more and more, everything what flashes through my mind. I was not satisfied, couldn’t be, I didn’t experience what I want, as I wanted to recreate that feeling when I was 8. I had rushed several years, I changed lot of relationships, based on love and sex, at last one, I stopped.

Previously, when each my relationship ended, for whatever reason, I had suicidal thoughts, I saw nothing in the world and I thought that everything ended because feeling inside me ended. My last relationship, I fall in love so extensively in my mind, that when I kissed that girl, I experienced myself like completely under the effect of the hard drug. I was drugged by my own ideas/believes/thoughts about her and her presence and her personality. I changed with her about 3000 e-mails in that period, and I never had sex with her, I manipulated myself and her extensively, because of my desires for love, because of my believes that what I experience is real. It was not.

Then she reveled herself, her lies and her deception, her manipulation of me, she tried everything on me, and I saw myself, how I did the same, how fake I was. How each of my action towards her was delusion, completely fake because of energy, because of ideas/thoughts/judgments. I read my messages to her, I saw everything, each my word, each one fake. I saw my words and I couldn’t believe that, I read it again and again, but fake, fake fake. I smiled at me, how deluded I was, what I allowed and what I accepted to myself, it was done.

She asked me, and she feared if I am going to hurt myself. I said her, no. Through the tears of broken relationship, broken illusions/believes/ideas/feelings within me I said no. I am not going to hurt myself and I am not going to harm myself and I am not going to allow myself to fall in such lies again. Never. I will not allow again, do not matter how long my life will be, to be in relationship based on delusions, fake words, desires, and believes, ideas, hidden agendas. No. I stopped.

I am alone about 4 years. I am not lonely.

I was lying on the bed, I breathed and I saw nothing, no pictures, my mind is clear.

I experience energy moving through my body, like electricity, rippling and resonating, through my breathe and my body, disappearing in each body part. In hand then moves to leg then chest, suddenly I experience it in whole body, I breathe in.

I experience myself, I experience myself as love, as love of myself, as self love, as limitless love of me, I love myself and I am love. In that moment I experience love towards beings which guided me in my life, and I am grateful for them and I thanks them in the same moment.

Love is not of the feeling, love is not of the ideas of believes nor energy movement within, love is not of the thoughts and love is not of the conditioning, love is not about self definition towards someone or something, love is self, self here and what self is in the moment of breathe.

My search of love ended, as I am love, and as I love myself.

Thanks, Juraj

I see the pattern – I push through

I stood at the balcony and I recalled the fact that today it is my turn to do duties as kitchen and hall cleaning with toilet and bathroom.

Immediately in my mind – I can do it later, it is not big deal do it later, nothing will happen if I’ll do it later … Normally, I would do it later, but today, at the same moment I realized this tricky talking of the mind how to hold myself to this pattern and excuses and postponing which needs to be done.

Nah, I stopped and I even do not want to bother myself with hearing another perfect excuses, so I pushed myself and took the broom and start to work on my duties. Then mop and started to cleaning the floor, and actually everything what was on schedule, just went around the basket. I noticed that I missed the cleaning the basket area, it looked clean – maybe if someone will bother to move the basket maybe there will be some dirt, but I continued liked nothing happened to another areas. It was like turning the blind eye and didn’t want to check if there is really clean floor or not.

When I entered to toilet, in my mind pop-up the video heard yesterday by Bernard about violating the trust and I saw clearly for myself how much times I didn’t my duties or tasks the required way because nobody bothered to check it, and everything looked fine. So I started to clean toilet with more attention, floor, etc, simply the way that it will be clean.

Then I returned to the kitchen and I was done with the cleaning just throwing last dirty thing to the basket, simply I couldn’t overlooked the same as I wanted to turn the blind eye at the basket area again and with mentioned above about violating the trust, I had to take basket off. And surprise, there was dirty floor behind basket, so I smiled at myself, heh, and I cleaned the floor behind basket also.

Thanks, Juraj

Breathe – releasing tension in muscles

Today evening, I laid into my bed and set up clock timer for 1 hour.

I closed my eyes and comfortable lay down my body, my hands softly holding the blanket to remember to myself where I am. I was focusing on my breathing, focusing on touch of my body with the bed, on my hands.

Darkness in the room, I heard the ticking of the clock from background. Focusing on that sound to do not allow my mind to take me on journey of thoughts, back chats. Some thoughts appear at the beginning but I simply stop to participate on them with focus on my breath, hands, movement of my eyes. I slowed down, nothing within me, no thoughts, no reactions, no memories, just me here on the bed.

My left eye in fast movement, from left to right, is cycling.  I stopped it with focus on breathing, feelings of my eyes disappear, I experience energetic pulses within me. Those pulses start to weaken, noticed that it is connected on my breath like beating of the heart but it is not heart. It is like from somewhere inside my body.

Energetic pulses start to disappear and occur, once in hands, in legs, in the middle of my body. No distractions here, just sound of the clock, no thoughts, darkness and silence within me. Wanted to stop energy within me but do not know how so still focusing on my breathing.

I am calm, suddenly alarm. Hour passed and I decided to sit on the bed. My hands on my legs, nothingness within me, just me breathing.  My head start to moving, this move happened by itself, slowly from one side to another, it is like my body moves my head and I let it. Move from one side to another and I experience tension in the muscles of my neck, I focus on my breath, nothing else, I am one with my body and I let my body to move.  Moves of my head are changing to different positions, stay for a while in some position till tension is released and then move to another position to release another tension.  I let my body to move my head to whatever position it want, some of them I never used before.

Moves stopped and I stood up. Tension in muscles released with ease, just with breath.

Thanks, Juraj

My Smile – what’s behind?

I smile, you see my smile and you do not know why I smile. It seems that because of situation. It is not. I smile because I judge, you, me. I smile because I hide. I smile because I divert your attention. I know why I am doing it. I want to hide. I do not want to reveal my true self. I do not want to reveal what I judge and why I judge. I know it, exactly. I can name it, precisely, I see into me. In the moment I smile, I hide, I use it as weapon.

I do not want to bother you, I judge you, and you can’t comprehend what I know and what I understand. I judge because you didn’t lived what I lived. I do not want to share me, what I know, what I understand, so I smile. I feared to share me, so I used smile.  

I hide behind my smile. Why? It seems that it is simpler to live if I can hide. I can do it anytime, during the conversation I can use my skills to make you laugh, you love it as all love it. The jokes. Illusionary bullshits, I can speak for hours, divert the attention, to illusions and projections, and make you blind. You will not see what I see because I will manipulate you and I will have power over you, just with few jokes and smiles. For the moment. This moment you belongs to me.

I thought it is innocent. Just for moment. Innocent lies. I believed, I do not harm. But I do. I support the false image in you, I support false perception, I mislead and I divert. Just with few jokes. I make you lost in mind, for the moment. You cannot see what I do, as I do it immediately, I do not need to think about it.

And you like it, you will not say anything “ bad “ about me because you never saw  what is behind that smile. Smile is innocent. Smile cannot lie. Smile is honest. Bullshit.

Smiles are so much abused, for manipulation, for over powering someone, for submitting to one’s will. Best liars have amazing smiles. You can fall in some one’s smile.

I stop. I stop abuse my smile. I stop manipulate with smile. I stop hide behind my smile. I stop false smile, dishonest smile, fake image of me.

I like to smile, without jokes even spoken, I like to smile without apparent reason, my eyes can smile and my lips can be frozen. I can express myself as smile, at the moment, nothing exist, just me, as smile.

Thanks, Juraj

Fear – face and push through

I sat in bus today evening and in front of me sat some young girl, at one bus stop her girl friend get on and sat next to her and they start to speak. The first one has been complaining that she start to experience strong fever and sore throat at the night, and that it started at once and that she do not know what to do with that and how come that she is suddenly sick.

I realized why she is sick but that time also I wanted to say her something how she can assist to herself and cure herself. But immediately, fear raised within me, and lot of different excuses why I should not speak to her and say something, my mind start to show me very fast one excuse after another, but I realized that I should push myself through that and say her something about breathing, as I realized that that is only one thing I can explain to her in few moments, I knew there will be not a lot of time. So I said to myself that if she will get off at the same bus stop as me, so I will go to her and speak. Also, in my mind hoping she will not get off the same bus stop.

But damn, she did.

I had no time to doubt, to wait, so immediately she get off, I went to her and I just said. “ Sorry I am disturbing you, I heard you are sick, so I suggest you to focus on your breathing, breathe in, and breathe out, you will see, it will help you. “ At first she stepped back, maybe little bit scared how come some stranger start to speak with her, but after that moment as she heard my words and recognized what I just said, she smiled on me.  I smiled on her.

I turn back and went my way to home.

Proud on me, that I didn’t allowed my fear to do not speak. I do not know, if she will do what I suggested her, maybe not, but in that moment, I pushed myself through that fear, I spoke and proved to me, that my fear was just an illusion of my mind.

Thanks, Juraj

From innocence to murder – Suppressed sorrow

   I watched the eyes of man lying on the floor in front of me. Scared, Shocked, Surprised. I looked into his eyes and I saw fear, his fear so extensive. I was the reason who he feared. I was the one he was scared about. I was the one who decided to kill him.

   When I was coming near to him, within me the voice, “ I have to do it “ and I heard the voice as I believed this voice is me as I believed I am this voice. I decided to kill myself. I decided to take someone with me. I screwed my life and I saw no more reason to live. I fucked up everything I could, just last thing I could do, to kill, to end, to finish. To make a line and close the door and let everything as it is, as this word can continue without me.

   My way of living, my rebel-yell, my addictions, my frustrations, my misunderstandings, my suppressions, led me to decision to kill me, the voice of me I heard. Kill, no one will know, no witness as witness will be dead, take money, and kill you. Kill for money, kill as manifesto of everything you did and everything happened to you that no one cared, that no one wanted to hear you, kill as manifesto of last speech. As no one care to hear me now they will hear the voice of fear, now they will hear the voice within them and now they will ask. They will ask and there will be no answer, as they do not cared to ask whole the life. I spoke lot of times but they didn’t hear me, I spoke and I was silenced, I spoke and I was misunderstood. I blamed them, I blamed myself, I blamed the world as world I lived in.

   And my voice will remain as the act of me within them as the act of murder I will resonated through them all their life. And they will be ashamed each time they will speak about me and they will fear to speak about me as they will look me as evil. They will see evil in me, and they will want to hide but that will be no more possible. They will live in fear and fear will eat them, fear of who I am. Fear of who they see in me.  And this will be my revenge, let them here with their fear.  And I’ll be dead and they will live in pain as the pain and fear I experienced when they tried to teach me. The anger I saw in them as their spoke with me, the betrayal in their words and the lies they said.  The punishments I received from them as act of teaching, the pain full of tears and fear of them. Beaten in the name of God, pushed to submit to their will, as they didn’t want to let me live. As they want to make me of their visions, of their image, to make me live their expectations. And they do not cared who I am, and they do not cared what I speak and why I speak, they pushed till I submitted in the lies, but behind the face of me the anger and revenge, with silenced  voice I kneel down and I had to pray for forgiveness.

   And now I stand, in front of man, nothing within me. He is scared and trembles in fear but I am calm and clear. I stand and here is no voice within me as I am silent as silence is me. I stand as me here. I stand here alone; I am alone in my stand.

   He is not aware of my stand as only one moment passed, so he see a man which smashed him down from behind.  He see a man which smashed him with stone and brutality of such act, and he feels the blood covering his head, he is not aware that his injury is not serious, he is not aware that in 7 days he will be ok.

   In this moment, I see that no blame, no judgments, no punishments, no sorrow or anything in my life is responsible. And I see that it is me who is responsible, and I see that consequences which I will face will change my life. I am aware that I cannot hide and I am aware that in my stand I am giving the life not the man in front of me but to me, as I decided to do not kill the life within me, as I decided not to kill myself, as I stand against everything which led me to this moment. I faced me and I stood against the voice I believed it is me.

   Within my stand things changed as witness is alive, shocked and scared, but alive without serious injury, so I take the money which are stored in safe and saying him to do not speak who did this, as he saw me cause I didn’t use any mask, as in my first decision the mask was necessary, as dead people do not speak.

   I am aware he will speak and I know I cannot hide, I go. My companion goes his way and we decide to meet together on specific place and time.

   I saw him coming to me, few moments after his arrival two men stood in front of me, asking my ID. I am aware that everything changed, I am aware that he came with 2 policemen; I know what will happen now.

   My world collapsed, my world do not exists anymore. I am not afraid, I know that I will face what I’ve done, I know that I am going to be imprisoned, but by paradox, glad. Glad that I stood up and gave another chance to my victim and to me, chance to live and walk, no matter what.

Thanks, Juraj

From innocence to fighting - Suppressed sorrow

The sorrow stored within me is the sorrow of me which leads me. I know it, I understand it, deep sadness, how deep it goes. It is still with me.

Me as child, I do not understand why other children around me attack me, why my teacher attack me and laugh at me and why she hold together with those children.

I was not able to see why it occurred, I was just in class and want to learn things and just be at school and participate.

But when I participated so they turned it against me and punished me because I did what my teacher wanted. How fucked this is.

Once we played game, all children sitting around and I was at the end of row, simple it was like snake made from children and first one just said some word to the ear silently and the second one just had to transfer that word silently to another and how it goes I was at the end. But the child who was transferring the word to me said me word: pussy. It is not big deal but in Slovak language it is vulgar and easily usable as insult/harmful word.

So as I heard that word, I was completely disorientated/distracted/confused as I didn’t expect something like that and so as teacher asked me to speak that word. I didn’t want to lie so I said her that simply I will not speak it as it is vulgar word which I received. But she pushed me to say it so I just simply said. She became furious about me how can I dare to speak it. I thought that time that would be better to lie and to avoid such things, as my father worked at that school also and she said she will use it against me in front of him.

And me, I just simply did what all wanted, notthing bad/good or something like that, just what they all wanted, reactions of the children was obvious, laughing on me intensively, and it was clear that someone manipulated it to get me that outcome. Simply someone of them wanted to fuck up with me.

My rebel-yell has been born, foundation and decision that lying would be better - has been established within me. I suppressed that experience as I was not aware how to deal with that.

In my family, similar thing has been happening from time to time, I have been blamed, pointed out, games started to turning to fights. I did not understand why I have to fight for my place for living. I was already separated from my brothers and sister.

My fighting has been founded, but I didn’t want to, but I saw it as only one option how to show others that no one will be vilify me, abuse me, and over fight me. Me as young one against two older ones, sometimes in fight with one or another, my physical strength was not enough to win.

But I was sure, that when I will be older, that I can win in fight and have respect from brother and that they will stop to fight with me. I stared to see that my anger within me could ignite within me in one second to the extreme levels, paradox was, that I was never experiencing anger constantly. Just in fight, in that one moment, extreme load of.

I realized that when I will be not able to handle that, that I can very seriously harm someone or even kill or become insane from it.  I started to see effectiveness in fighting, why to bother to fight long time, if it could be finished in one movement. But I realized that I have to handle it. That I have to stop anger and that I have not to allow even ignite any tiny twinkle. One twinkle and one moment and anger could go to extremes. I didn’t want that, I didn’t even want to bother with the stopping of it.

So I suppressed my sorrow, and started to accumulate and stop fighting physically, I started to fight verbally.  As my brothers and sister wanted to take over me, to push on me and direct me, my words has been sharp and able to hit directly, I wanted to hit with the words, I started to abuse it against everybody who wanted to fight with me. I hit them to their core and let burning. That was my winning. I knew how to ignite the fear within others, just with the words, how to scare them.

I started to master hitting with the words, insulting, anyone within my range to show that no one will do against me what I had to experienced as I child. To show, that it is worthless to fight with me.

We are the word and as a child I was not able to comprehend why I have to defend myself from the people around me.

From this misunderstanding of my experiences and why others did what they did, I start to rebel against every one, every each rule, against everything I could, with my way of living, speaking, participating as my experiences was, that if I participate with others they abuse my innocence against me for their winning.

So from my innocence, I turned into fighter. But I forget one thing - that all the time, I was fighting against me.

Thanks, Juraj