Day 3 : Sleep, sleep, remain in trance

                You need to sleep to grow up, You need to sleep because it is time to go to bed, You have to go sleep, You have to wake up - it is time, You can’t sleep longer, Go to bed – it is not time to wake up, You have to go to school – you have to wake up, Wake up – we go away, Wake up – we go to work, Wake up – we go to church, You have to sleep – otherwise you will be tired, You have to sleep – if don’t you will not be strong, To sleep 8 hours is good, I like to sleep 8 hours, I like to sleep really long, Is good to sleep 8 hours or more, you need it, and your body also. You must be tired, This is exhausting and hard – I will be tired, I feel I am tired, If I’ll do that – I will be tired, I worked hard – thus I must be tired, Do not disturb me – go to sleep.

                Some of the statements I heard from my parents, my family members, or others when I was young, some of them I took and start to believe that are true and some I rejected or became pisses off about, some I shaped according my perception of particular situation.

                As a young boy, when I was looking forward on something which should happen tomorrow, I can’t stay in bed when I opened eyes and jumped out of the bed, when school years come I postponed my jumping from bed and over years it was no longer jumping but rather sneaking.

                What was in my mind as next day responsibilities, issues, possible experiences etc. therefore according this my waking up shaped and time how long I spent in bed.

                As a child, when I had to learn English words and as I was forced to learn it, I rejected it many times and when the time for “exams” come at the evening  I rather pretended that I am sleeping and hide in front of fact, that I fucked off to learn some “stupid “ words without any meaning to me, as I saw no purpose why I should to learn English words if no one is speaking with such words around me, I rather played and enjoyed myself. Thus I used sleeping as hiding and as protection mechanism.

                I enjoyed the dreams as a child as I have no idea or understanding what dreams means and this supported me in creating various mind projections about the world, my life, me. I never understood how is possible that I see the light and pictures in dreams, as I have closed eyes, how come that I move or experience anything while I am sleeping, just mind, nothing of that real.

                Lot of times in past I experienced big struggles when I wanted to sleep, now mostly I fall asleep in one moment, I just breathe in and out and I am sleeping, to go to sleep mostly it is not process anymore, sometimes the waking up is still process, as I do not want to go out from bed immediately as I like just laying and relax.

                With the waking up at the morning, I had really big struggles with that, now it is much better and last times I am able to sleep 5-6 hours, and be not tired during the day, and wake up and do not again fall asleep, as with this I had huge issue, but anyway, it is still not immediate and constant.

                The feeling of tiredness and believing that it is tiredness or that I am tired, I experienced always in my head region, very cool how mind is able to place energy experience into head and also how easy it is to fall to believe that this experience is real.

                In the past, I would never even think that I can manage from sleeping 8-10 hours or more into a 5-6 hours sleeping and be fine with me and ok during the day.  Still it is not perfect, still it is not absolutely constant, so, what is perfection about? To manage things, living into consistent and constant application of self, in all aspects and all facets of self, here, constant and consistent, this will be quite interesting.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have and need to sleep to grow up.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep according saying that it is time to go to sleep and bound and link the decision to go sleep into a time and what time it is, instead of necessity of my physical body to rest.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to submit in front of saying that I have to go sleep and dictate from my environment.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to link my waking up into a time and time perception and believing that it is time to wake up, instead of allowing myself to wake up and stand up from the bed when my physical body is rested.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept the saying that I can’t sleep more instead of trusting to my body as physical and see and realize when my body is rested.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to link and attach my waking up into a necessity to go to school and connect and create within me not likeness of going to school and from this derive not likeness to want to wake up and stand up from the bed.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me not likeness to wake up and stand up from the bed when I was forced to wake up and from this to create within me perception and believe that I am still tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to sleep as when not that I will be tired, instead of realizing the necessity of my physical body to rest and relax.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that if I will go to sleep I will be strong.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that to sleep 8 hours is good and that I need to sleep this time frame.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me likeness to sleep long and define this long as more than 8 hours time frame.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that it is good to sleep more than 8 hours time frame and think and believe that my body needs to rest, sleep and relax more than 8 hours.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I work on something that I have to be tired and not realizing if my body is really physically tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the projection that if I will work on something which I perceive as hard that I will be tired or exhausted and from this exist within and as mind projection that something is hard and that if I will do that I will be tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I completed and finish something which I perceive as hard thus I have to be tired, instead of see and realize if my physical body is really tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use sleeping as hiding in front of myself as protection mechanism in front of fact that I do not completed my responsibilities or that what was required from myself to complete or learn.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use sleeping as hiding in front of fact that I rejected something which I was forced to learn or complete and thus do not have to face it.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not stand up from bed immediately when I open my eyes and took my breath in.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I will stand up from bed immediately after I wake up that I will be tired during the day and that I will not be rested properly.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like and create likeness within me with postponing my standing up from the bed after I woke up, instead of stand up immediately as I know and realize that anyway I will have to stand up.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not be consistent with my sleeping less than 6 hours.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think that when I slept for several days less than 6 hours I deserve to sleep at least one day more than 6 hours.

I commit myself to sleep less than 6 hours consistently.

I commit myself to stand up from bed after I wake up and took my breath in.

I commit myself to be constant and consistent with my application of sleeping less than 6 hours.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 2 – Resistance

                I resist writing. I resist writing each day. I resist writing each day for week, or month, I know I can do it, last year I wrote consequential blogs for 40 days or something like that, thus I proved to myself that I can do it, but within this, I resist writing as I see where this will lead me. I am bit scared.

                By paradox, the idea of freedom or to be free, is based on ego and self interest, and this I perceived as my freedom, that I can do what I want, where no one was considered except me, my own benefit. This all, is not real freedom and have nothing to do with experience myself free, all just chains.

                The prison I created for myself is almost all I know, all I thought I can be, all I thought I will ever experience and definitely perceived I can’t change and thus I am powerless in front of my creation. It is not so.

                I resist as I am bit scared of unknown, I am bit scared from myself and from that who I really am, as it is no more about false security of thoughts and energy experiences.

                I used energy to blind me as I separated myself from energy and thus I required to get it to be able live and experience myself in perception it is real experience of me. It was not so.

                Thus I ask, when I really experienced myself, myself as who I really am? Only few moments come, just few, in meaning, the memories how different it was this experiences and expression of me, when I place myself into confrontation with energy experiences.

                I resist as my own dishonesty is like ingrained completely in my body and as I am able to look within me in self honesty, I see that some doors in my life are closed forever. To walk decision and never come back, as this is impossible as wherever I look and wherever I will go I will be there always.

                I resist as I liked excuses but in self honesty there is no valid excuse, no one exist. Thus I am bit scared to live in self honesty as whole my life I lived in deception of myself.

                I resist as I liked to lie to me and live in lies, speak this lies and live this lies. But, in regards of this, I can call it “problem“ in meaning, I am aware of it.

                I resist as I see that nothing will be like it use to be and everything of me will change, I will change in all aspects and all facets of me, not just some as till this moment, but completely everything, no point will remain hidden and no point will remain unasked and unchallenged. I’ll die. But the new I will be born.

                I see why it is worth to do it and I trust myself I can do it, thus let’s have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to resist writing each day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to resist writing each day because I see that all my self definitions will cease to exist, everything I know and define myself into will diminish and thus create within me fear and experience of fear and experience of to be scared as projection to the future what it will mean or how I will exist if everything I know will be gone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive freedom as freedom of choice of my ego and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be scared of myself as to be free and not defined by and through anything I know and thus create within me the projection and idea about what to be free or what freedom is.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself believe that I can’t change myself and that I am powerless to change myself and that I have to remain in believes and ideas about myself as definitions of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I am to week to stand up and say No, stop, till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experiences is what I like and what I need to be able function and exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself according energy experiences and separate myself from the energy and thus think and believe that energy is what I need.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself became addicted on energy and experience myself as to be high when I have a lot of energy generated within me and perceived myself as being low when is lack of energy within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself become energy addict.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from energy and thus believe that I need energy and through polarity create friction within me and generate this energy for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself resist my own dishonesties and do not want to look within me what I have allowed and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to remain dishonest and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that to be dishonest is normal as common living.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself I can’t change from dishonesty into self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself like various excuses as validation why I can remain rather dishonest and not actually stand up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate myself into dishonesty as that is what I know and live thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not allowed myself to see and realize what I am really doing unto myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust my own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to learn to be dishonest and thus accept this state of me as my living.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that mind always know better than me what I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am the mind and thus do not stand up for myself as directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like to lie to myself and deceive myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to become the lies of my living and define myself according lies I lived and spoke.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate others with the lies to get what I want and to get what I need.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear my own lies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change instead of realizing that I can change and let go what do not support me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive change as something terrible and from this derive perception that it is hard to change instead of realizing that to change and stand up is about self honest decision in front of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to die instead of realizing that only what can die are the systems within me I allowed and accepted and that life will remain.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive the letting go of the systems and self definitions, believes, ideas, desires, needs, fears as something which I am losing, instead of realizing that in letting go I am freeing myself from dictate of my mind and my own allowances and acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I will be bound into mind forever.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the projections and ideas about the future as what and who I will be when I will let go my mind, instead of realizing that future do not exist and thus all projections and ideas do not exist as well, all just created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist in and as mind as time creation, instead of allowing myself to see and realize that I am here as breath.

I commit myself to write each day.

I commit myself to use SF each day, to write SF and speak SF.

Thanks, Juraj

Procrastination – Bound me to the past

               Once I postponed very specific task, I had all day to complete it but I postponed and postponed, I knew what I am doing, I was aware that I will have to complete it anyway, the deadline was next day.

                I went out at the evening, and I still had this unfinished task in my mind, it popped up and still coming back to my mind, like words “ I have to finish that, I have to make sure I will complete it, I can’t go sleep – I need to finish it, I can’t stay here, I need to complete it, I need to complete it and make sure it is done” and at the places I was, and people I spoke with, still this words coming into my head, and even the words I spoke was about this unfinished task and that I have to complete it and that I can’t stay here and enjoy my presence.

                At the night, when I completed it and it was done, I saw what I allowed and accepted to myself, and how I allowed remaining in the past and not be here.

                As the procrastination is allowed, one is actually saying “ I would rather remain in the past as the past is what I am bound to and that is all what I know, I am giving my power away and I am giving this power to my mind as instance which is my dictator and which knows better where I should be, and it is in the past. “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself postpone and procrastinate tasks, things which I know needs to be done and completed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be bounded to the past through procrastination and postponement of tasks and issues which I can solve immediately and have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like postpone and procrastinate things and through this like remaining in the past and not be here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to test how far I can procrastinate and postpone things which need to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself define myself through and as my ability to postpone things and complete it at critical moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself enjoy postpone and procrastinate that which needs to be done and my very self definition and statement of ego that I will not do it now or immediately and that I can postpone it as this is my choice and thus remain in the past as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power away to my mind through postponement and procrastination as to instance which I allowed to be my dictator and thus remain in the past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make form my mind more than me through postponement and procrastination and thus diminish my self value, my direction and who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by the mind through postponement and procrastination and thus empower mind and take over me and remain in the past.

Thanks, Juraj

Fear

            I see you. You see me. The moment I open up and let go my fear as I see this fear is illusion, my words are words of me and I look directly into your eyes as I do not fear what you will see in and within me, and the moment you let your fear and speak directly to me I see you and I see what you allowed and accepted and what you have became.

             I see my actions and I see that I lived in fear most of my life. This fear I lived I was thought to live it, according judgments of what is good and what is bad and thus what I judged within me as bad I hold within me hidden and secret and no one never knew what I have done, allowed, accepted to me and why.

            That what I judged as good I presented to others as painted picture of me where I showed who I am according my own judgment and perception of me, thus no one in my life knew me as this was impossible as within the fear I hold myself into I never showed the face of the “ devil “ I allowed and accepted to myself.

            The behavior and words I presented as good and hide that which I judged as bad came simply from polarity of good and bad, which I was thought and thus I learned that I have to behave and speak this way.

            But lets drop this fear, and the life became quite different and interesting journey in exploring self.

            To drop the fear is expanding experience, to drop the fear is quite liberating action where self just maybe for first time see how much we use to live in fear, to speak through fear, to move through fear, to look through fear, to eat with fear, to kiss with fear, to touch with fear, to sleep in fear.

            To drop the fear is quite interesting decision, where self stand up and the dogmas of society no more direct the life and expression of the individual, to drop the fear is freedom and the fear is that which bounds and tie oneself into a self created prison of judgments by paradox thought by others.

            Lets drop the fear and the life became quite expanding and amazing journey here on earth, where the planet stand for all equally.

Thanks, Juraj

Beauty

            How I understand it and see, is, that the beauty, judgment that something, someone is beautiful, or that this is beauty, always come from comparison.

            Where one point is perceived as more then second one, and thus first is judged as beauty, and second as ugly, because first one can’t exist without second one.

            Beauty, do not exist if nothing ugly exist, and even then things can be seen how they really are, and this judgments of beauty or ugly are really everywhere, media serve this zillions times per day, magazines, TV, everything is compared, judged, and served to people, this is beauty, this is ugly.

            I used to, always look on girls, this one is beautiful, because she is thin, well shaped, exactly according brainwashing of media.

            Or the cars, o yes, this one is pretty, nice, beautiful car, look at that shapes, that lines, look on those wheels, or the lights, very, very beautiful.  And look on that one, ugly old shit.

            Day by day, I am facing that people around me are saying, oooo you have so beautiful shoes, oooo you have so nice jacket, or how beautiful are your pants. Lol.

            I do not participate in it, why should I? Why should I judge things the way you judge? Or do you even realized, than when you say that this is beautiful, it is judgment? Do you like to be judged? Why to judge?

            All those words, are simply always just brainwashing of society, media, country ones live in, always.

            It is not real perception, real seeing of the things, how they really are, because it is judgment and judgment is never seeing.

            From things which I judged as beauty I used to create energy, positive one, one I liked, and from ugly, negative, and it was always just polarity of the mind, never real seeing, never being here, just in judgment.

            And reality is much more simple, without judgments, when I just look on thing what they really are, cup is just a cup, do not matter what shape or color the cup have, it is cup and can be used for something, that’s it, nothing less, nothing more.

            The picture on the wall, it is just picture, some geometrical shapes, some color, some folks can pay millions for just some color on the wall.

            Is shark ugly or beautiful?  How you would decide? Is cat ugly? Or Dog? Is the building in front of me ugly? Or it is amazing beauty? How I would decide which one it should be? Do I have to judge it? Do I have to use this word? No.

            Is your face beautiful? Really? What about thoughts behind this face? Who is behind? Can I see it please? Will it be still so beautiful and nice? Does this face lie? Does this face deceive or manipulate? Does this face abuse? Or even if yes, it is ugly? No, nothing of that, it is just what it is, nothing less, nothing more.

Thanks, Juraj

Imagination

            With this word by itself, word magic is resonating within me. I liked to imagine, and when I did this, it was mostly about future, how things will be, related to relationship with a girl, towards money, my living, house, the way how I would like to live or where I would like to live.

            Most prominent I used to imagine future when I met a new girl and started to date with her, when I started to think about her, imagine the places where we should go, what I would like to do with her, and mostly how sex could be with her.

            The next point related to money, what I would like to do when I would have really a lot of money, what I would buy or where my steps will head on, to experience things I never could because those money I simply do not have.   I liked to imagine, how I would like to get this money, or how much, and I can say, that even billions was in my head and how I would use it.

            Imagination “ served “ me during times when I used it as an escape from reality, when I was not able to “ live “ within my reality and thus I run away from it to different places in my head, to different words, where I was secure, safe and when the Imagined reality was “ more simple “ than this one.

            There were a lot of things what I imagined what and how I would like to do, and some of them, I never did.

            And, nothing of this is here, it is always in the future, it is always in the past, each time I imagined something, it was never here thus never real. As it couldn’t be, because, all just illusions – self made projections of likes, just imagined.

            But actually, to imagine things, and make things happen, is completely different scenario.

Thanks, Juraj