What I see

             I see a lot of work which is in front of me, this is placed in time line and previously, I wanted to skip some steps, not possible. Each one must to go one by one, precisely.  I see only one way and other ways are not possible. I cannot skip what needs to be done as first, as if I would so step ahead will be not stable - Stability, consistency.
 

I see my past, what I’ve done, it is what it is. It is done. It is no more here, just memories and those memories are not real, even if I speak, each one understand differently, each one see it from his/hers own perspective. Because they miss the fact, that everything they experience, they create and it has nothing to do what is outside of them.

Except of those which are walking their process, they understand and they see, they look into themselves and they see how they created and what they created.

So I am alone. I am not lonely. I am alone as I am here, but this is not feeling of loneliness. I am fine with me, I am okey with me, I like me and I love me.

I do not experience desire to be loved, as I love myself,  therefore the illusion of necessity to be loved by someone else outside of me is gone. It is like, what I have been searching outside of me, I found in me, I found myself. I am with me, within me. I value myself and I see my worth within me, I am not more or less.

I do not search anymore.

I do not close my eyes in front of my world, I do not close my eyes in front of world I see.

What I see is what needs to be fixed. I see the world full of liars, hiders, abusers, killers, rapists, stealers, I could continue. I am not saying this as judgment of what I see, as it is not bad or good, it is what it is. I am responsible for this creation.

And because of what is the world as it is? Because of illusion of self experience in regards of energy which moves within each human body.  Because what humans experience, they believe they experience themselves, but it is not. It is just self definition to specific energy movement, energy creation through act of thinking and participating on.

Isn’t it strange, to live self definition? I used to do it also. For example:

To see something or someone, compare and from that comparison create judgment of myself bad/good. From that judgment, create justifications and excuses why I act the way I act, or why I think what I think. From that acting create self delusion and self guilt, anger, sorrow, love, misinterpretation. Because of that, and not able to handle it, so I suppressed and let it be suppressed and pretend I am ok and smile with others on the same bullshits in never ending circles of self deception.

Because of what? Because of believed experience of myself towards energy movement within me, without any understanding that it is me who creates this energy. And so I created some energy movement, that movement defined as love/sadness/loneliness/anger/fear etc, and from that definition I created my self experience towards it and believed that I experience myself because of some outside stimuli, but without complete forgotten fact, that it is me who created all of this, and nothing of this was real.

Can be something more ridiculous as this? How come that we are completely deluding ourselves, in believes and ideas, it is vast.

Try it for yourself – stop energy within you, and you will see.

Thanks, Juraj

Break the limitation

               
                I have been invited to attend the team building party, immediately I refused as lot of points emerged, the most prominent the resistance to go there.

                I looked on excuses which I can possibly use why not attend, then tiredness I experienced, then feelings/emotions, I connected to that and then on resistance I experienced towards such event, mostly because I knew people will drink alcohol.

                I sat comfortable on the chair and only me breathing, I cleared my mind and stopped everything, just me breathing, I let my body moves, tension in neck has been released and all resistances I had, simply has gone and I decided to go there no matter what could possibly emerge during event. And no matter what the mind is showing me. Even tiredness I experienced simply was not here and I was like after very refreshing resting, and it took only few minutes.

                When I came to event, there was nothing within me and I started to enjoy it, speaking with the people, and I wanted to dance and I even did for a moment without music, lol, it was not dancing place, just like pub where people meet and drink.

                I didn’t drink alcohol as this drug is saying nothing to me, and it was interesting to look on people, how their behavior change, their speech and how they change their voices, and what type of mind games started to take place. They even did not notice.

                I enjoyed myself and mostly the point, I pushed myself and broke one of my limitation.

Thanks, Juraj

               

The choice

                I believed that I choose what I want to experience and what I want to live. I believed that it is me who decides. It was not so. It was decided before I did, through my submission to the mind.

                As I looked on my past, believes I lived, ideas and perceptions, judgments I threw on others, it is clear it was not me who was the direction. The mind was. Each component of the mind I allowed, therefore I submitted and I didn’t lived and expressed myself, but just the illusions of the mind.

                If there is a desire, which directs, I am less than the desire, if there is a thought which directs, I am less than a thought, because, to be directed by something which is just an illusion, mean total submission to the mind, inferiority. Mind is the master, mind was the master of myself.

                This changed, as I changed, still I see what I walked and what I will. Now I enjoy that I do not go into reactions, into judgments, I enjoy how I slowed down and clarity I experience. I enjoy myself in the moments I am here.

                It is so cool to not have reactions on my environment within me, do not react on what people speak, just only direct what I face in very moment and thus direct myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Question the angel

                As a child I trusted my parents, they believed that somewhere out there are angels. They said to me, that I have to pray to the angel and that angel will protect me.

                So I learned how to speak the “ prayer “ to the angel, and I prayed each evening how they showed me. Day by day, on my knees saying the same prayer to the angel, asking him for protection, protection of my soul.

                I was not aware that my parents lied to me, I was not aware that what they believe is not real. So I repeated, anyway, I had no another option as to follow the guidelines of my parents, I was inferior to them as each child is, quite sad how parents are teaching their children to believe in mind fucks.

                That’s fine, parents do not realize what they are doing and why they are doing, they do not see beyond their believes, they never question, they trust that what they do is the best for their children. But that’s not so, they have no idea what is best for the children, they are just showing to the child how they are fucked. And child copy, and I copied. They were my “ gods “ that time.

                And, the angel never came, no matter how much I would pray, no matter how hard I would believe, no matter how long child is on the knees, because, the angel, is just only illusion.

                The angel and idea of angels is pure delusion, mind fuck.

Thanks, Juraj

Patience

                I never had patience, things I could not get immediately I lost interest in them, I considered them boring, not interesting, nothing.

                I wanted things now, money now, sex now, fulfill my desires now, if run away from my responsibilities so now, there was no patience within me.

                As this all is diminishing and becoming nonexistent within me, here I see.

                Now is of the mind, now is not real.

                To have no patience means to be in rush for something, in rush for energy, in rush for something which seems to be separate, which seems to be not here.

                I am not in rush anymore.

Thanks, Juraj

Absolute stand

                I had a long chats with different people, going through various ages and various positions, we talked about many points, sexuality, money system, desires, believes, behavior of people, interesting thing I noticed, then when I talked about points related to sexuality I become excited not by pictures of projections or fantasies as I can stop them and not allow myself to go into fantasies, but excited by the words by itself.

                This means that I defined myself towards these words and from them create the excitement, which I can handle and not escalate it and this is related to sexual experiences form my past which has been based on energy.

                Another interesting point is, that a lot of people see how this system is wrongly set up, and simply how much abuse is here, how much deception, etc, but they have simply fear to stand up and not follow and not to conform the society.

                Lot of people see how our money system is completely wrong, but all of them say the same, you cannot change it. Yes, I can’t change it, group can change it, individual can change himself and group can change the system we live in.

                In those chats I hurt my hand as I didn’t noticed pressure with my hand I placed on laptop, and the pain I experienced was great and still I can feel it, but this shows that when I am to much involved in something I can hurt myself without noticing it, where also mind is in search for some excitement, something which could possibly generate the energy.

                Interesting point is, that when I do not experience anything related to feelings or excitement, within me is something through which I would possibly manipulate myself for generating the energy based on words which could give me the same false sense of “ living “.

                This just means, that I am able to stand up, but I have to stand up absolutely.

Thanks, Juraj

               

               

Rejection as foundation for backchat

                There was a different kind of experiences in my life, when I have been rejected by different type of people, going through friends, girl-friends, family members, co-workers.

                Mostly I was not aware the reason why, as my investigation why started in my mind, as back chats where I found possible reason and took it as the answer why.

                In lots of cases I just let it be and didn’t care, in some cases where I involved my desires or expectations back chat has been much more extensive.

                So instead of investigation directly with the person, I investigated in my back-chat. Nice fuck up.

Thanks, Juraj

Claws of the competition

                I took in-lines and went this year first time to have some fun outside. After the pause of not skating it was not so natural to move on in-lines, but after few moments I get into my mood and moved to long road made for in-liners.

                I started to push and move faster and faster, as before I liked, but after some period I started to be out of breath, then I realized, fuck I am not here to compete with anybody, it is just road and me one this road and without breath I cannot move so I slowed down.

                I noticed in my mind, that I focus on my finish and it seems to be too far to reach it, so I stopped to look on something which is so far, and started to look on my next movement, my next breath.

                I let faster people go and slowed down, stick to breath and my movement started to be constant without slowing down and without acceleration.

                I realized that I moved before according competition drive, where I looked on other folks as competitors and I had to be faster, lol.

                When I went to my finish, I enjoyed the resting, sun, music, children playing, cool moments I spent there and I decided to return back.

                As I started to move, I saw a girl in front of me and I realized that hers movement is much more effective than mine, so I changed my movement immediately and in few moments it became natural, and I started to enjoy skating much more.

                I saw that my skating before have been created according aggression and competition like ice-hockey players move, when I was returning home, I was like figure skater, just flowing and moving in calm manner in my own pace.

Thanks, Juraj

Words as a flow

                I had a quite long talk with one girl recently, we spoke about lot of points, and I enjoyed it extensively.

                First time in my life, I have been sharing with someone my past, my experiences, everything I spoke I said without resistance, guilt, or fear. I liked the moments I expressed myself, without any attachment of emotional turmoil, which was so cool.

                I even do not allowed any thought, any projection, as I did sometimes before types like, “ what he/she will think about that or that, should I spoke about it, can I tell this? , etc etc”

                Nothing, just me speaking about the points, it is cool, when no bullshits are involved in conversation. There was no manipulation, desires, or backchat, no believes, no ideas, it was cool.

                I enjoyed myself in that conversation, it was like just free flow. Flow of the words.

Thanks, Juraj

Inequality as foundation for backchat

                 I had quite “ sad “ realization, that my back chat has been created and founded by inequality where I placed myself as more as other living forms.

                The thought, that I can kill and not let live other forms, the position of ego, the superiority as human. That I can kill because I am human, not for purpose as to sustain my body, but to kill because I can.

                Everywhere is human placed as the top of living forms, you can see it daily, where humans are presented as the top of living species, and I did this within me.

                I placed myself as more than others, my backchat showed me.

Thanks, Juraj