Hope dies as last

I used to hope, to hope that something will happen, believe to that, hoping that maybe possibly, this time it will go well.

My life, was based on such believe, that maybe possibly somehow, something will be delivered to me, because I hope.

But hope, is not real. It is self delusion, self limitation, self stuck in such believe. I have been taught to think that hope is the last what dies in someone, and that I need to hope, that I have to hope, because without it, nothing exists.

I do not hope anymore, with self responsibility, hope is not necessary, hope is irrelevant, hope is ridiculous, hope is fuck up.

I let the hope gone and I let hope die and I let die everything which is not real, which is not of the life, moment by moment, let die everything which I allowed to enslave me.

Thanks, Juraj

Fallen – breath

   I woke up today morning, finally, but was not awaken “ completely “. And I wondered, why?

                So I looked on this point, what cause me to not be able to wake up when I open the eyes at the morning, and then close it and sleep much more than I would like to. What is that cause that I can sleep 4-5 hours without problems, and then I sleep 10. What is that cause, that I can sleep consistently less than 6 and then I fall and I lose my consistency and I sleep and sleep.

                What I miss, what is that cause? And then I realized, it was like lightning to my head, I miss the breath. When I open the eyes at the morning, and I miss the breath I fall to sleep, I am fallen.

                If I miss the breath and I am fallen at the morning, it actually means, that each breath I miss during the day, is literally the same. I am fallen with each missed breath, because with the missed breath, I missed myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Limitation

I experience pain, intensive pain, this pain is with me everywhere I am. Even hard to describe this pain, never experienced before.

It is not pain of feelings/emotions it is not pain of unfulfilled something, it is pain in my spine, in my chest, in my scapulas in my neck. It seems that this pain is compounding, day by day I experience it more and more.

Scapulas relate to limitation system, but as I search within me, I can’t see it. If I can’t see my own limitations, I must become my own limitation.

Information and knowledge, that’s my own limitation, everything I know and everything I can grasp, at the same time I am enslaving myself into it. Definitions created to each particular information I lived, it is infused in me, with me.

Want to drop it all, realized it is not possible, how can I drop what I lived and become it? I can’t drop it just like throw something on the floor, I have to defuse myself from it, purify myself and my body.

I have to forgive each one idea I had, each one self definitions to that ideas, I had to drop all believes, I had to drop everything what was lived not of life, all which is of systems, of the mind.

This will take some moments, one by one, to remain just only me, here.

Thanks, Juraj

Sharing myself

I met with my ex-employer by “coincidence “ . I was sitting in coffee bar. He sat near to me and said hello, and I start to speak with him as he asked me why I change image, as he didn’t saw me for a years and now I am bald.

                So I said him without any resistance, shame or judgment, that I am shaved because I support equality in this world.

                I started to speak with him very briefly about me, about the mind, about the government system and so, it was obvious that he has no enough time to speak with me.

                At the end of our short conversation, he said, if we will be able to teach our children to understand our mind and work with it, maybe we will be able to change the system we are living in.

                This was fascinating for me in the moment, because previously, I would speak with him about some normal “bullshits” people use to speak about, like weather etc. etc. but now I was clearly directing the communication with him, without any feelings attached to it, just sharing common sense and within it sharing myself.

                As I realized while I spoke that it is nothing to be ashamed to speak about, I enjoyed that conversation, without thoughts, without feelings, just me sharing me.

Thanks, Juraj

Secret, secret mind

I saw deception of my back chat, and I saw deception of the voice which used to talk within me. I saw how I allowed and accepted to be deceived, I stop to participate in it.

                Few days after, slowly but surely secret mind starts to emerge within me, very slow, very soft speaking inside me. Trying to convince me that it is me who speak, that maybe possibly this speaking is me, trying to catch me the very same way like back chats or voice of the mind.

                I noticed interesting thing within it, it is nastier, it is straighter, showing me the core of me which I allowed and accepted.

                I can’t blame anybody, and I will not do that, because it is me who allowed it or not and I take responsibility for myself, for my actions, for the words I speak and why I speak. I take responsibility for that what is inside me, within me, as me and I will not allow to be deceived with the thoughts.

                The secret mind, is showing me the judgments I was not aware of, the thoughts I was living and the thoughts I has been defining myself to. It is showing me what was the triggers of my actions, and definitely, that I was living the mind, and not myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Pay to the system which belongs to the system

Today I wanted to withdraw some money, zero has been displayed to me.  I was curious what’s happened that I have zero on my account, maybe someone hacked my account went through my mind, but I consider this as very low probability so I went to check my internet banking, to see what’s happened with my account.

                As I logged in, I recognized that my account has been blocked and executors are demanding the money.

                This reminded me, how a long time ago I decided not to pay to the system what belongs to the system. How I wanted to cheat with the system and that maybe system will forget. System never forgets as system is designed to remember, to store, to have a record and add some cute additional fees if the debt has not been paid off.

                So I recounted how much costs me my ignorance. The debts I ignored for banks cost me as additional fee plus 120 percent to original debt for whole years period, the debts I ignored for government issues up to 700 percent to original debt. So government which I am paying the taxes which represents 50 percent of my wage, can easily make from ignored debt 7 times more just because the rules, regulations and laws.

                I decided that I will no more ignore my debts, as otherwise system can catch me anyway and it will cost much more, then it should be.

                I wanted to fuck up with the system, system fucked up with me.

Thanks, Juraj

How I manipulated myself to fall

I compared myself with another being, and I saw the fall in this point in that being and I thought myself that this one being knows more about the process and standing and from that comparison I created inferiority in my standing and fear that I will fall in smoking again and I created an excuse that it is not big deal to fall with smoking. So if this being can fall so I can fall.

But I didn’t wanted to fall to smoking as before, to addiction which I cannot be without, so I linked it with drinking coffee, in terms that okey I am going to fall in this point but I will not allow myself to be overwhelmed of this addiction and I will smoke when I will drink coffee, to have this addiction in perceived control.

I was able to smoke only when I drink coffee, but it is fall, no matter what I can add to this.

I noticed interested thing , how can I easily manipulate myself and create excuse and allow myself to fall, how easy it is, to allow just one thought and fall is coming.

When I decided to write about this, my mind literally starts to scream – No ! You can’t do this, you can’t write about this, you can’t reveal it to the others. It could be your secret, you can keep it for yourself and nobody will know how you fall.

Maybe, nobody will know how I fall, but I know how I fall. And I started to laugh on myself when I heard my mind screaming, it was crazy screaming within me, inside me.

Thanks, Juraj

Mind always wants more

I realized, I cannot fulfill the desires and the needs and wants of the mind. It is impossible. I tried. Different ways, all led to nowhere, because mind is never satisfied. Mind wants more and more and more and will not stop until it kill itself because of its own design of limits.

Through the mind, I can go only to its own limits, through the mind, I am bounded. Mind has borders, strict ones.

Energy generated through the act of thinking in believing that it is me, that energy used to move me because of my self definitions to that energy. And this is fascinating because if I wanted to experience some specific energy so I had to manipulate myself the exact same way as before just with illusion that it is different, but energy created was the same, than depleted and then I had to restart all process again and again in very same cycles not noticed that I trapped myself to one nice very cute fuck up.

Anyway, it is not worthy at all, because eventually if I would allow my mind to continue so it will create the exact same experiences of energy flow within me and through that, self definitions and desires and needs, which cannot be fulfilled because for the mind, it is never enough. And such act of energy dependency can led to entity creation within, become that and followed on the road of never ending cycles of unfulfilled desires which becomes the leader of one’s life.

Thanks, Juraj

Laughter

I sat with my brother on the balcony, and he spoke about his teeth and the procedure of correcting the teeth, and I started to laugh.

I laugh not on him or about the topic we has been discussing , I started because the way how he spoke about it, but then suddenly I started laugh more and more, and this laughter comes within me, from me, my expression and I was surprised, I never laugh that way, as my laughter before was very different. Before it was of the mind.

I laugh as innocence of me, as smile of me, as who I am at the moment, with me, here, presence, I liked me with my laughing and I enjoyed it extensively, so I allowed myself to continue and laugh as purity of me, amazed.

Thanks, Juraj

Thoughts

I believed that thoughts are me, I trusted them and I followed them. It is not so. I am not the thoughts, I am not the conversations within me, and I am not the voice which used to speak within me.

The voice I followed mislead me, and the voice within me trapped me. I allowed it, I accepted it. So I trapped myself, I trapped me to believe the voice within me is me and I defined myself. I defined myself according words which spoke from me, I judged me and I punished me.

I presented me according judgment of myself, of the polarity, of the desires, of my needs and of my fears. None of them real. Illusions created within and followed, illusions of me lived. Did I live?

How could I lived me and experience me if I follow illusions? How could I experience who I am, moment by moment, if I allow the illusions to lead me?

I was hearing my back-chat millions of times, I believed is me who speak, I trusted that voice behind, I believed that voice is me. It is not.

Based on my judgments of me, my morality, I created personalities within me, 1, 2? No, many and many, worthless to count, as in front of each person my words changed, my expression, I manipulated myself.

Where my thoughts led me? Nowhere, through them I created energy within me, and I defined myself according this energy, based on polarity, on judgment, which one energy I would like to experience and which one not. One as fear, another as anger, another as love or sadness or even joy. And which one definition I lived, that was my experiences, split and friction, constant friction in constant emotional turmoil, many times not noticed what it is what is leading me.

Through the thoughts I created shame within me, desires, I judged what I lived, I feared to speak what I lived, how crazy this is. Worthless, illusions, believed it is me. It is not.

The thoughts deceive, the thoughts lie.

Uncountable how many time-loops I lived, and everything I lived was my mind, following as perfect slave my thoughts, my emotions and feelings, which none of them were real.

The prison of the mind, the bubble of the thoughts. The prison is the mind, perfect, because I believed it is me. How blind I was, how deaf I was.

Simplicity of the prison of the mind is, that it was me who allowed it.

Thanks, Juraj

My neighbor

I have been returning today at lunch time to home, and I saw my neighbor lying on the floor in front of the entrance to the building, I quickly recognized that it is something wrong with him, as he use to sit there and enjoy smoking while his dog is around him.

He had the brain issue due to the extensive alcohol abuse, so he lost ability to control his body correctly and simply sometimes he lose control of the body completely and someone around him have to help him.

So I came to him, took him off the ground ,stabilize his standing, open the entrance door, while the  female neighbor come to us to look if I need help with him, as she has been heading to her home also. I took him to the lift, then in front of his door and waited with him to open it and I let him go into his flat. I wanted make sure that he will be safe in his home, but when I went home I had little worries about him, if he will be able to move in his flat and so, because to lay on floor in flat with nobody around will be the same as lying on the street, maybe even worse because probably on street someone can meet him and help him.

Maybe someone can say that just only he is responsible for health and all problems which he caused to him due to alcohol abuse, but it isn’t so.

He just fit into well known pattern, while he has been fired from his job, then start to drink as he was unable to find new one, and as we know no one will employee the alcohol addict, so he ruined his existence to just on one level – waiting for death as death is only one possibility, slowly but surely, he is waiting for his last breath, with absolute no chance to change anything in his life,  as damage of his body is probably not been able to fix.

I live on the 8^th floor, he on 4^th, 4 levels below me, is persona waiting day by day, with the same cycle for his death. No life, just waiting.

Who support drinking alcohol in this country, world, and planet? Who is showing to the young ones, that drinking of alcohol is cool, and with that they can fit into society? Who support the governments which are completely manipulating the citizens to drink alcohol and perceive alcohol as the part of the life? Who support this scheme in this world? Etc…etc…I could place tons of similar questions.

So is only he responsible, or we all are responsible due to allowing and accepting this in the life, showing to others, not educating them properly, not teaching what really matters just only bullshits of society?

We all are equally responsible for everything what is going on in this world, due to our allowances and acceptances, simply, no one else. Only we are here and only we can fix this world and only we can change and only we can find solutions which will never allow for someone to fall into just waiting for death.

Join Desteni, join the community of people which are standing for equal life for all, equal opportunities,  join the community of people which are standing for that what really matters.

Thanks, Juraj

Love

In my life, I believed that love is energetic feeling inside the body.

I saw a girl, when I was just 8 years old, and I experienced immense energetic boost within my body. My legs trembles, my heart beats and energy is pumping through my body. I believed that this is experience of love. I can hardly look on her, I experience myself to be attracted to her, I want to speak with her and look into her eyes but I cannot. I can’t move, I can’t speak, I just stand and my body trembles.

I thought that this is experience of love.  I stored this experience within me and I started to search for love outside of me, believed that the persona/picture is the cause of that experience. I was not able to understand that time, that it was me who created this, it was me who allowed all the thoughts of shame/fear of rejection/energy movement/and self definition to this movement.

Time passed and I forgot and suppressed the experience within me, misinterpreted and misbelieved. I turned to 12-13 and I start to like girls more than boys and I started to feel better in presence of them.  I fall in love into one, but now as idea and believe because the picture I saw in front of me, and I recognize this picture as suitable. But behind the picture I saw another things, I can call it personal abilities of that girl related to learning, the way she speaks, the way she moves, movement of her lips when she speaks, her eyes. I didn’t experience the energetic feeling as before, this fall in love is more base on my desires to explore the woman body, desires to be with someone, and finally to experience the presence of girl and enjoy the time with her.

My school years passed and I went to different school, only boys there. So there was no reason for me to manipulate my behavior in front of girls, as I did sometimes in previous one, in front of girls I wanted to looked better, more clever, with different way of speaking, now it is not necessary, I saw one of my class mate, I became interested in him just in manner of observation.  I was surprised about his look, because the links of his face looks more like girl, but he was a boy.  I found this fascinating, that boys can also look very similar like girls, but they behave completely different.

When I turned to 17, my searching for love changed and started to be based on desire for sex, experience sex and presence of girl, to be with her and explore, and date with her. I wanted to fit into the idea and pattern as all was in, that relationship consists of boy and girls, they have sex together and they share/explore and have fun. But I was not satisfied. I was not because I was not able to feel within me the energetic boost, that immense attraction to girl as I was 8. Still I didn’t understand that time what that mean, why I experienced it and what will be the consequences of that.

I had a pause, long one, forced by myself and the law of country, as I become imprisoned for several years. When I returned to daily life, everything behind me looked like one moment, like never happened, never existed.

My search for love start to continue interlinked with desire for sex and explore more and more, everything what flashes through my mind. I was not satisfied, couldn’t be, I didn’t experience what I want, as I wanted to recreate that feeling when I was 8. I had rushed several years, I changed lot of relationships, based on love and sex, at last one, I stopped.

Previously, when each my relationship ended, for whatever reason, I had suicidal thoughts, I saw nothing in the world and I thought that everything ended because feeling inside me ended. My last relationship, I fall in love so extensively in my mind, that when I kissed that girl, I experienced myself like completely under the effect of the hard drug. I was drugged by my own ideas/believes/thoughts about her and her presence and her personality. I changed with her about 3000 e-mails in that period, and I never had sex with her, I manipulated myself and her extensively, because of my desires for love, because of my believes that what I experience is real. It was not.

Then she reveled herself, her lies and her deception, her manipulation of me, she tried everything on me, and I saw myself, how I did the same, how fake I was. How each of my action towards her was delusion, completely fake because of energy, because of ideas/thoughts/judgments. I read my messages to her, I saw everything, each my word, each one fake. I saw my words and I couldn’t believe that, I read it again and again, but fake, fake fake. I smiled at me, how deluded I was, what I allowed and what I accepted to myself, it was done.

She asked me, and she feared if I am going to hurt myself. I said her, no. Through the tears of broken relationship, broken illusions/believes/ideas/feelings within me I said no. I am not going to hurt myself and I am not going to harm myself and I am not going to allow myself to fall in such lies again. Never. I will not allow again, do not matter how long my life will be, to be in relationship based on delusions, fake words, desires, and believes, ideas, hidden agendas. No. I stopped.

I am alone about 4 years. I am not lonely.

I was lying on the bed, I breathed and I saw nothing, no pictures, my mind is clear.

I experience energy moving through my body, like electricity, rippling and resonating, through my breathe and my body, disappearing in each body part. In hand then moves to leg then chest, suddenly I experience it in whole body, I breathe in.

I experience myself, I experience myself as love, as love of myself, as self love, as limitless love of me, I love myself and I am love. In that moment I experience love towards beings which guided me in my life, and I am grateful for them and I thanks them in the same moment.

Love is not of the feeling, love is not of the ideas of believes nor energy movement within, love is not of the thoughts and love is not of the conditioning, love is not about self definition towards someone or something, love is self, self here and what self is in the moment of breathe.

My search of love ended, as I am love, and as I love myself.

Thanks, Juraj