Consistency – Breathing - Ego

                I noticed interesting points within me, when and how I am loosing consistency in breathing during the day.

                Mostly, if I am in conversations with someone, lot of times I go into information and knowledge instead of sharing me in the moment. I have to change this, I have to be able to remain here no matter in which type of conversation I am in.

                Conflicts, last period in my life, maybe 3-4 months, are from certain perspective most conflicting period ever, and this is due to the fact, that previously I was scared to be in conflict and I tried to avoid this for any costs so lot of times I simply remained silent instead of speak. This changed and I see that speak directly without bullshiting lot of times brings conflicts, and I see that sometimes I am falling in this. Main point – ego.

Ego wants win in conflicts and once I lose my breath I am not necessarily escalating conflict for the purpose of ego to win and to be right. But this is nice bullshit because I tried for myself, in conflict to still remain with breath and I was able to communicate without changing voice tonalities, without that sense to be right or want to win.

Within that I found another interesting point, sarcasm. From ego perspective it is like hidden, that If I can’t win so I go into sarcasm, and this is nice bullshit also, because in conversation there is no need to win at all, it is just sharing, nothing more nothing less.

So, I need to be consistent within this and not allow myself to be led by the mind where I do not want to go.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – Don’t give up

             

                When we finished last round of race, and all competition has been finished, we decided to try to go into canal in reverse, against water jet and get to the beginning of the canal.

                If the water jet would be in original force we would not be able to even pass first bath, but when in water plant lowered water-level, it looked more doable.

                So beginning from down, first third of canal was really easy to pass as all baths and whirlpools as they lost the strength, second third made some problems to us, and some kayakers gave up to try to get to our finish, and in the last third, only 3 of us remained and there was last “ tongue “ created from water, the last point to achieve, to get through, but most powerful and most hard.

                As we paddled I noticed that my strength will not last much, as this was really hard part, I noticed the shouting from our couch from the right side as he has been screaming a lot on us to gave us some “ guts “ to make it.

    And he scream – Hop, Hop, Hop, Hop, and I paddle the fastest way I could and I am noticing that I am on the same place, I do not move back or forth in water jet but my speed is negated by water speed. The guy from my left is giving up and going on side, and me and my friend remained in frenetic paddling rodeo in water jet.

                I realized that if I will give up, it was worth nothing, just one moment, If I allow to give up and it will be done. I looked on right side, couch still screaming like mad and my friend giving up, going on other side and I remained alone.

                I become really tired, exhausted and I knew that if I will not do it fast in short period I will run out of my strength and will not be able to do it anymore. And as I still paddle in the water, suddenly I feel that kayak moved just tiny piece forward and I realized that it is possible to do it.

I didn’t want to give up, no way to give up, so I even made last strongest movements and I feel that I overcome with kayak the zero point and I move forward and I get through “ tongue “ and I did it.

Yes I did it, tired as hell, and cool was, that also my couch shut up and remained silent. He was maybe satisfied that at least one of his guys could do it, but I was really proud on me, not that I was only one, or that I did it, I was proud that I didn’t gave up.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – silent

                Some time ago, I was swimming at the lake, not too much, maybe just almost to the middle of the lake. I decided to go back, and as my condition is questionable I became little bit tired so I turn on my back and slowed down.

                Just only tiny movements I did, focusing on my breathing, on my tiny movements, in water, silent.  In that moment, there was nothing within me, just me and water. I felt nothing, no pain and no fear, no desires and no memories, no projections and no expectations, noting within me and I enjoyed the silence of me. My mind was silent, me breathing.

                In that moment, I was safe, it was like experience safety, like nothing can happen to me and nothing can harm me, nothing can move me, within me, and I enjoyed this moments.

                I would like to experience myself without anything within me each moment, as I was, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – Calm and Wild

                 I went through strong water turbulence with my kayak called “ bath “ and after I get off from “ bath “ the protection around my hips which is placed to prevent water pouring inside the kayak was withheld and I saw that in my boat lot of water get in.

                I felt that kayak became hardly controllable as with such big amount of water in it became slightly sinking down.

                I realized that I will be not able to get through next water curves and “baths “ as the last part of the water canal was really wild so I wanted to get with kayak near waterside to get off successfully.

                But the water jet was stronger than my ability to control boat and I realized that I will not be able to even get to water side and that I have to go through last part of water canal and through all baths there and curves.

                So I was just able to made last maneuver to straighten the boat with the water jet but it was hard, almost sinking and as the protection was down I realized that I will not be able to go through as next bath will drown me down completely.

                Simply, at the moment I knew I will go under water with kayak as the water stream was to strong, at the moment I knew I will not do it, impossible in such circumstances.

                As I was in the middle of the bath the kayak became completely full of water and uncontrollable and the water starts to play its own game. I was just able to throw away paddle and prepare myself to get off from boat while I will be under the water.

                Kayak and I turned to right and I am in the water, not breathing, just cold and darkness around me. I just feel strong turbulences of water, I catch the sides of kayak with my hands and I want to pull out myself, but something is wrong. My legs stuck in.

                Also the position of the boat was not “usual “as the beginning of kayak remained stuck under some rock and the end was up, the fact that boat was full of water complicated all of this.

                I tried to fight the situation and involve as much power as possible, nothing happened, but I didn’t panic, I was prepared for such situations, not exactly this one but I practiced different ones before.

                Fast moments passing and I realized that I let my legs on sides of kayak so I couldn’t pull myself out so I straighten the legs and finally get off, how easy it was.

                I had to get at the water side which was problematic in such water jet but I did it, slowly moving myself on the ground with hands, legs, completely exhausted, tired, just breathing and sitting there.

                Nothing existed in the moment.

                I had to go two times more through that canal that day, but something happened within me, inside me. I started to feel strong anxiety within me, I knew that this experiences changes a lot.

                I lost the courage to go again, so I used all excuses possible to my couch to do not force me to go again. He didn’t.

                Next day I practiced on that canal, the maneuvers in the water and waves, I noticed something, the way how I approached it changed.

                I lost courage, I lost trust in me. The respect I started to put in the waves in front of me, and experience from previous day, where I created anxiety within me, was end of the sport I loved the most.

                Kayak on wild water, and me, I loved that, and at the same time I started to feat it. No one I told to, why should I, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water

                As a child, I had maybe 8-9 years, once I swam in the lake, not big one, but for me it was enough. Approximately in the middle of the lake, it was like losing power to continue, it became harder to control my muscles.

                It frightened me as I realized that if I’ll lose all strength I’ll drown. I saw people at the ground as people are tanning at the summer days and I wanted to scream on them and ask for help, but I even did not had strength to scream.

                So I realized that if I can’t ask for help and no one is around me to help me, it is me who have to help myself and it is me who have to do it and get all powers needed to get back on the ground.

                Thus I focused just only on that movement, on swimming, on muscles, breathe, nothing else. No fear, no useless anything, just me doing what’s necessary.

                I successfully get back on the ground, and at the same time I was really proud on myself, that I did it. No one knew this, no one I told to, why should I, it was just me and water.

                Thanks, Juraj

Just walk

                I’ve put off my shoes one evening, because walking in that shoes became problematic as that one has been broken, and I continued walking home barefoot.

                I noticed how long I didn’t walk at the ground just without shoes, yes sometimes near be lake while swimming but this was different, as this was regular walking some distance.

                And I’ve put my foot on the grass and I enjoyed the grass and next step and next, wet grass under my feet and I walked onto sidewalk and it was little bit warm as it was evening of summer day.

                I’ve continued and I focused on my breath and the touch I experience with my feet, and also focusing to do not step into some broken glass or something which could harm my feet.

                And it was just me, walking and enjoying this simplicity, focused but calm.

Thanks, Juraj

Body move - Breath move.

                I stood beneath the trees, closed my eyes and just focused on my breath, my head started to move, various positions started to change and I noticed how much muscles constraints/pains in my neck area again emerged.

                I enjoyed the refreshing blowing of the wind and the sounds of the leafs in that movement.

                So I just breathe in and out, and slowly released those tensions in muscles, my vertebrae clicks and movement of my neck and head become again smooth, my body started to move to several different positions, which maybe looks fancy, but in each move, there was like stop and I felt tension in muscle which has been the mostly stretched.

                As my body moved, the last position was like standing with straight legs but with body bent down with my hands towards my foot fingers, and I was little bit surprised how much tensions was in my lower back muscles. After few moments I straighten the body, and I like a lot the moment as I felt refreshed. It’s cool to feel the body and muscles, how with the breath is one able to refresh the body and release pains/tension in it.

                I decided that I will go more often to the nature and practice with my body, as I see that’s cool support to be with the body and work with.

Thanks, Juraj

The words I speak

It is easy to speak, whatever I want to about. But from where my words come from?

I can pinpoint and talk about environment about me, about people, what I see and what I have within me as knowledge and information.  What I realized about the system I live in, about money and abuse I see. That’s easy.

Sometimes is hard to speak about myself.

It is something different to speak the words which I stand for.  It is different to keep those words, to stand by those words.  The words I speak are the words of me.  The sentences and the meaning, what I want to express, it is absolutely different scenario, if I look on my words in self-honesty.

The words I speak is me, and I see that with some words I hide, I do not want to confront myself. I see I do not stand equal and one with each word I speak, with some yes and with some not, it is like playing the game, with self-honesty and self-dishonesty, polarity play out.

I see, that to stand equal and one with each of my word, means to speak less in some situations, or even do not speak at all.

And sometimes, I should speak more, I got another challenge for me here.

Thanks, Juraj

What is a challenge?

                So far, what I found most challenging in my process is, to be aware each breath, and do not allow any thought, emotion, feeling or reaction for 21 days.

                I fall in this many, many times. I started many, many times.

                It is a challenge, real one.

Thanks, Juraj

Coffee break

                I loved to drink coffee with sugar, I could not imagine drinking it without it. Simply, I had to have sugar in it. I was addicted to that taste.

                I stopped to put sugar into coffee, and I pushed myself to drink it just as it is. Probably after 30 days, once I was in conversation with friend and very in the mind, so I automatically put sugar into coffee, and after I tasted it I realized I put there sugar.

                I was disgusted by the taste of coffee with the sugar, how sugar dramatically change the taste by itself and it is no more coffee, but sweet “ bullshit “

                I never came back to put sugar into coffee, once was enough.

                I do not experience anything while drinking the coffee, simply nothing, just enjoying the taste of it.

Thanks, Juraj