I am self-trust

               

                Inevitably, I faced many times a question within myself, as what or who I can trust? Or even what trust is, is trust real? Can trust even exists?

               So, as I was a bit struggling within me as this point, thus I came back within me, and revisited the points of realizations within me, and looked as how I acted, what I spoke and what I did after specific points I realized.

               For example, 8 years ago realization of love as oneness and equality of myself, through and by this realization, I was able to see as who I am as expression of love, and I placed this realization as my guide, map or compass, and see and understand that love is never a feeling, but I am the love. Within the realization of me as love, the experience of hug and kiss of each living being emerged within me and I trusted me as this realization and I will trust me as love forever. This realization, guided me many times when I faced a point of the love as construct of the mind, and I was able always cross reference love as me and love as mind experience, and see through my fears, hopes, wants, and needs as desire for love as a feeling. And I admit, even with this great cross reference point I placed within me, I had sometimes struggle to let go of all points related within me to and as love construct, because hundreds of dimensions emerged within me related to this point and my need of self-honesty was challenged in this point a lot, but I never lost myself in love construct again. And I never will.

               To let go and transcend, some specific points within me as love construct, was really painful, on mind level and “real” pain in me as a being. Letting go of a false love, constructed through ideas and believes, fears and separation from myself, starting on mind level and going into me as a being, required really a lot moments to see and realize before, and one of the ultimate was, as how I created this love as mind from beginning as an illusion in my mind, and sometimes even I wanted this illusion to became real, but always my compass, my guide, my map as realization as what real love is, together with self-forgiveness, I always found my ground and was able to see through, which is in fact totally great and I am so grateful for this, as I seen that my actions, and words was supported a lot thanks to me as realization of love and thus I stand me as this realization, no matter what and forever. And I can place a question, will I kiss or hug this person standing in front of me as me as expression of love? I definitely do not have to hug or kiss all beings in existence to prove this for myself, this is more a guide and always will be.

               When I realized around 10 years ago, what relationships in between men and women really are, how they are created within mind, what mind play is involved, and how many points of deception within self are involved, thus this became one of my first compasses and guides for my life, to never seek relationship with woman based on such points again, which was quite a challenge as well, but from that moment I always seen and understood, that I can never accept to form a relationship with a girl such way, because it would always be fake, deception, and lies of the mind. And from that moment I decided that I would go into relationship with a woman, which would be able to walk her process as well, and never accept anything less. In that moment, I decided that and was prepared, that I will be all my life alone, or I will met with a woman which would understand the message of equality and oneness of desteni, and decide for herself to walk out of a mind, and thus we would walk our lives together. One way, or another, I am ok with both options for myself, even I realize, that many points are easier to walk when two are together, as both can play very vital part within process of both, and help and support each other more effectively when it come to walk through the mind. But still, I can do it alone, so if this option will play out in my life, I will walk alone this earth.

               Few months after realization of me as love, realization of me as awareness, and how I experienced myself as all existence, and what this realization showed me, about me, what judgments really are, and how everything exists as polarities, for the sake of creation of fear, became my strongest point and most vital part in growing basket of compasses and guides and maps within me. And if I would have to pick one reason, as why I continue as self-forgiveness till this date, after decade ago, this one was the utmost revealing realization of me, but other played very vital part as well, thus all are the same guides for me.

               Even as how I came to this realization, was quite fascinating, because my separation was defined by one simple thought within me, which was “ I am not you “ , and this thought occurred within my mind when my brother was speaking to me when I was just a boy, and he was comparing me with one specific being, which I didn’t liked and this thought happened within me that time, and it was done, I was separated in the mind living my dream. But this realization will be my guide forever.

               When I started stopping the mind, and seeing the thoughts of myself, and starting over some period track the thoughts to their origin, and start to see mechanics in between thoughts and emotions, what I always found was, that origin of each thought within me was fear. This was quite interesting, and I was not sure what this will bring to my life, but I understood that I can trust myself and simply continue with what I was doing in context of self-forgiveness, as I simply had to see and understand for myself, I could never accept knowledge or anything, as I seen that whatever is presented to me, I would never trust if I do not see for myself, walk for myself, understand for myself, and thus live for myself.  

Sure, I was not able to see everything as what is ahead of me that time, but anyway I am grateful that I never stopped, because, this seeing and understating as how fear is created within me, and which thought and feeling or emotions emerged from it, was another guide in the basket, and thus I could never let any thought within me unnoticed, or emotion, and I always had to start to see deeper because I always seen, that it is never just a thought, but much more to this is always.

               From points above, emerged realization of sexual energy, and seeing and understanding, that all sexual energy I experienced within me, is in fact always fear. Sexual energy, simply equals fear. And this fear has many facets, many forms, and comes with many dimensions, and here I can say, this was the most hard, challenging and lengthy point within me to walk.

               From begging, when I started to investigate my fears as sexual energy, my insecurities about myself, doubts, judgments, polarities, and possible actions, I was not able to see as how many I accepted within me to be part of me as me, but this realization, that all sexual energy is fear, I added to my basket of guides, and thus more I walked my life, more compasses I created for myself, to never again fall in the trap of the mind. And extensively great amount of my power has been given by me to my mind, to play with me and use me.

                Walking sexual points within me, took me more like 8 years, one by one, day by day, year by year, and you would never believe as what I did for myself to be able to push myself through this, and I pushed myself, me as the mind, me as a being, and me as a body, to real limits of me, where I was aware that I can possibly lead myself into a collapse of me and make some epic mistake for myself, but I had always one point in consideration for this, that I will do anything and everything possible for myself, to walk through the fears of me, but whatever I will do I will never harm myself. Physical well being of me was always the priority for me, and I can say, this was a great compass for me, because I never seriously harmed myself or damaged anything of my body, yet I had some tiny little issues after some specific points, or some mistakes, because body can handle only what body can handle, and I can say, I am grateful for my body, because what I body did for myself, and stood with me, and to show me what I accepted as fear to live in and as, was sometimes really crazy, but I had to do it. And if I would have to go back, I would do it the very same way, with some little improvements, but basically it was a cool way to work with the points within me, with my fear, and explore anything and everything possible within me.

               Within the walking sexual energy within me, I was after years always like, so this is it, this was the last point, and the another point emerged, and I understood that maybe I will never resolve this, or it will take how much it will take, and sometimes I was even pissed of or surprised as how this is possible so many points connected to this. But I continued, until one very specific moment, when I realized, what really happened within me and why and what I accepted and how it is even possible that such moment existed within me, when I was a young boy, as experience of fear within me, when I looked on a girl,  I had this paralyzing and trembling experience of myself, when I saw her, and all my life, I thought that it was fear, or love, or likeness of her, or whatever, but in the moment of realization, as what this really meant, and what really happened, finally I seen for myself. That all sexual energy, I experienced, lived, wanted, needed, or desired, was in fact, fear of myself. All sexual energies, thus fears, which I had through my entire life, was in fact, fear of myself, as projection, as what I will possibly do, or not, and this was linked to polarity of more and less, and I let my mind to abuse me each way possible and keep me trapped in this fear of myself, because I was no able to se that time, how I created it. And even, as a young boy, I had no chance to see this, nor understand, or realize. This was the blueprint and creation and specifically tailored experience of my mind for myself, to eat it, and start to live it.

               And here, I was able to see, how was possible that I believed that experience, why I believed it, Why I followed it all my life, and what that experience meant. All my fears, all my life, all my actions, all my words, was linked to this one very specific experience of fear, I could say, more like initial or starting point of me accepting fear, and this was decided, and tailored for myself much sooner, and according my realizations, I would say from begging of the existence.

               What was the most interesting point, within such realization was, that in fact, it was something completely else, so well hidden, and presented by my mind such genius way, that from that moment it was almost certain that I will never find out or realize, and thus I have to say, that mind and creation of the mind, and how mind can use self-deception to trap one within, is pure genius. 8 years or more took me, to came to this point, even some specific points I realized earlier in my life, but in context of me actively working and participating on this, it was such time.

               Fear of myself, is starting point for all fears within self, because self is not able to see, comprehend and understood, that self in fact exists as one. But separation, brings this illusion, that it is something else.

               And if you will reach this point within you, you will see, what it really means, when Anu said, where and how he placed himself as a part of a body.

               So, if you are experiencing sexual energy within you, you can always be sure, that you are deceiving yourself, and that in fact you are experiencing the fear in its purest form. If you are horny, be sure, that it is fear you do not see how you are creating it within you, and accepting within you. If you are horny, or sexually driven by energy within you, be sure you are just a slave of the mind, which uses you, like a tool, like a puppet, and you will give into and you will give the mind all the fears you can, and mind will hold you in this trap of you, because even you want and desire it. But, at the end, it is always fear, and this fear starts within you, where you are fearing yourself.

               Fear of self, is starting point for all possible fears you can experience within you, all judgments, all polarities, it all starts within you, as you, as who you are, and what you really fear of yourself.

               This points I walked for myself, and what I realized, was one of the hardest, really hardest, and most sophisticated creation within my mind as the mind, because I would never thought or guess the real reason, as how and why I accepted fear within me, and what part polarity of more and less plays as projection to the future of my future actions, of myself towards a girl really is. I am so grateful that I pushed myself to walk all of this, and I am so grateful for my body, and I am so grateful for myself, that despite all the odds, I am forever grateful for this opportunity which I gave myself, to see and realize how I created all of this, and thus give myself opportunity to live me as a being, no longer trapped in self-deception of fear.

               And thus, I have a basket, where is a map, on that map, are placed realizations of me which I accepted as me, and this map and realizations guided me as a compass in my life, almost for a decade. And, I will forever.

 So I trust myself, and became the trust of self, that I will never fall into a mind games again, or that even if by any chance I would, thanks to this, I trust myself that with my map, I will always find the way out, no matter what.

So I dare you, do anything and everything possible to see through the fear of yourself, push yourself as much as you can, and when you reach the point of self-realization as how and why you existed the way you did, you will, smile. 😊

You will smile because you will see, that all of it, was never real. You will smile and honor yourself, because you will see how all another parts which mind consist of and exists as and which you accepted to be and live and become, and which mind uses against you, as guilt, remorse, regret, sadness, anger, you name it, was your allowance, your acceptance, from begging of you and that nothing of that, was ever real, just a mirage of you. And here you give yourself opportunity, to became real you. As who you really are, as presence, as awareness, as love, as direction, as playfulness, as self-acceptance, as everything you can give to yourself, no more trapped in your self-delusion.

Alone or together, I am trust of me, forever.

Thanks, Juraj

I am self-forgiveness

               When I started to use self-forgiveness towards myself, as this understanding within me that I am the one who has to forgive myself, where this understanding originate back into the past, when I was child, I had quite a struggle within me and even effectiveness of this act has been some time really questionable, despite the fact that I was writing, speaking, walking and attempting to push myself through resistances of my mind as myself.

               Why, is because of a concept, what this word means, what this word stands for, what this word represents and how I see this word, specifically because of English variation and thus meaning connected to it, where meaning in my mother language is quite different, yet still the same. Point is, another point of view.

                In Slovak language, here this word is translated as a word, “Odpustam”. Which, if I would translate back into an English as a meaning of a word, “Odpustam”, this would literally mean – I am letting go. When I was using English variation, when I started to forgive myself, as this sentence:

“I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed”…, this for me mostly represented something as an act of giving to myself, but how could I possibly give anything to myself, when I was not able to see as how I gave anything away from myself, at first place.

               When I started to use Slovak variation, this would sounds and means more like this: “I am letting go that I have accepted and allowed to myself” … and the letting go, would stand literally within and as moment, where I hold something, or hold myself in and as something, you can imagine that for example as a situation in life, this would be: I hold something in my hands, for example a thought, a believe, a cup, or a chair, do not matter if physical object or that which is of the mind, but act of letting go, this would mean, that I am holding this cup in my hands, and I am letting go this cup and I do not longer hold this cup in my hands, I am and here in this moment, placing this cup with my hands on the table or flor but it is not me who is holding this cup anymore.

               Thus, act of self-forgiveness, for me would be would be as follows: I am holding in my hands a thought, or a judgement, that for example by neighbor is and idiot, and I hold this judgement in my hands, and I am taking this judgement from myself because I saw it within my mind and thus I am aware of this judgement and thus I cannot longer ignore it, that this is part of myself, thus I am taking it from myself and letting go this judgement with my hands, in this context, and I do not longer hold this judgement within me, because I let it go, I placed it away from myself, and this judgement is no longer with me, in me as me, because I placed it away from myself, and thus I do not longer hold it.

               So in and as act of self-forgiveness, I started to use Slovak variation, sometime with combination with English language, but beginning always in Slovak, because I wanted to see what is within me, recognize and acknowledge the point which I am going to let go, and really let it go, thus forgive to myself.

               Within and as self-forgiveness, and letting go, and by letting go, thus I am giving myself the power and authority over myself, I am taking literally this away from my mind, and by letting go, I am becoming authority and the one who stand as power of myself over me, and not accepting and allowing myself no longer take this judgement back with my hands into myself, because I simply let it go.

               If point had multiple dimensions, if 5 or 10 or 500, do not matter, I had to see with how much “ hands “ I am holding this point within me, and by act of forgiving, I am letting go this point from “ all hands “ I found this point I have been holding within and as myself into.

               So, for me, self-forgiveness became the point letting go and at the same act giving power back to myself as where my power really belongs. Through this act, I was able to start to see, how I was giving my power to my mind at first place, and how I was taking this power away from my mind.

               If you would read my blog, all my articles, and if you would read all self-forgiveness, which I published, this would be just a tiny fraction, maybe 1 percent or even less, in context of self-forgiveness I walked for myself, because of following:

               Many times, when I realized some point within my mind, and start to apply self-forgiveness, I started to see mechanics directly within and as reality I am in, or from past, or from past lives, and I started to walk, around the house I live in, or I started to walk in the city, or river, or nature, and speaking self-forgiveness to myself as myself. After certain period of time, more likely years, I started to see more and more or deeper and deeper into myself, some self-forgiveness was about several dimension, some about more, but there was and situations, where I was walking hours and hours and hours, and forgiving myself all dimensions related to the original point as all dimensions I was starting to see and uncover, as one point is always leading to another, I couldn’t simply let anything related to the point I started with, remain within me, unforgiven.

               This can be imagined like this: Point with one dimension, is one cup, which I held within me and with my hands. Point with 500 dimensions, is like holding 500 cups within me. So, I had to see how I was holding these 500 hundred cups within me, and thus be able to let go and forgive the point in its entirety.

               After certain period of time, years, when I walked many points within me and when I let go many of them, each time, when another one I revealed within myself, and became aware of it, I simply couldn’t let this point be part of myself, because I was able to clearly see, that this is of the mind, and I simply didn’t wanted this point to be part of myself anymore, I do not wanted this point to have power over myself, and I couldn’t let my mind have the authority over me in this point any longer, so I had to release myself and let go.

               But here another point revealed, that sometimes, the origin point I started with, has been leading toward so many “cups” that even after hours and hours of putting these “cups” away, I was still not finished with this point, and I started to experience my body going literally into a “collapse”, so I had to stop putting this “cups” away and let them go, because I realized that some point has these “cups” so many, that I simply can not do it at once, meaning one day, and thus some of them, took really years to see them all and let go all.

               After years, I realized, that I became self-forgiveness of myself, and that mind can not longer have authority within me, and even the way which I have been sounding self-forgiveness to myself,  I started to speak and sounds self-forgiveness quite a different way, and the way I sound and speak self-forgiveness changed a lot, because I had to match the exact “frequency” or “vibration” or “wave” of creation of such points within me.

               So after many years, and after many roads walked with me as me and forgiving and letting go and giving to myself, I became the one who became literally self-forgiveness of myself, and here I stand and here I am embodiment of self-forgiveness of me as me as expression of me as who I am as awareness of me, until all will be self-forgiven and let go and transcended within and as me.

               So if you are walking the road of self-forgiveness of yourself, let self-forgiveness became you, became one and equal of self-forgiveness of yourself, and you will be sure, that you will never ever be lost again, or fooled, or deceived, be your mind.

               If you became self-forgiveness of yourself, you will reach silence of yourself, where the authority, direction, decision, of yourself, will became the expression of yourself, as who you really are, and you will not longer be the prisoner of your mind.

               Do it for yourself, no matter what, because, at the end, you will see.

Thanks, Juraj

              

            

The thirteenth doors

I walk slowly, my steps are small, silent, as I am looking on my right side and then left, along many huge pillars. I can hardly see the top of them, it seems they stretch and rise almost to infinity.

Ground has metallic surface, it feels like walking on a steel, so firm. I expect to be attacked, because I came here for a reason. I entered this domain with one intention only, and I must complete what needs to be done, as only I was able to come this far alive, all my predecessors are dead.

I saw many dead bodies, thrown on this metallic plane, which I passed already, some of them emitted this glow of light, some red, purple or yellow, looked like something killed them form inside, as I was not able to see any visible wounds, and why they glow I simply have no idea.

As I expect to be attacked by this force or beings or creatures or whatever this can be, I am so alerted within me, I hear my breath and that is the only sound I can hear, silence of this place feels almost like a mist in the air.

I have this armor around my chest, on my shoulders, thighs, arms and the helmet covering my head from bottom of my neck through head, ears and my forehead. But this armor is so unique, because it is not created from any physical element, but tailored as vibration and resonance as extension of me as a being as who I am. To create this armor took almost millennia’s, as I had to master the rituals of purity and creation of unshakable trust of myself, where from this trust I could expand myself beyond physical body and create these armored protective layers of me.

I have only one weapon, which is made from three parts, one part is attached in the middle of my chest, and two others to my palms. To activate this weapon, I have to put my hands together in front of my body and say the forbidden word from the begging of the creation. I was the only one who was able to get this from a masters of damned realm, for a promise to take on this task and finish what no one was able to complete before.

So, I walk here, it feels like a year’s as I have no possibility to recognize time and flow of it, and I do not feel tired, hungry, or thirsty, as this plane is above physical world I came from.

Suddenly, the pillars start to move and inject itself into the ground, and instead of them, massive doors appear around me, this looks like I am standing in the circle and 12 doors are around me.

 As I stand here, I wonder why I was not attacked, I guess it is because of my armor, but still prepared for anything possible, and I look on those doors and each has a different symbol in the middle. This seems that I have to choose one, or maybe all of them, or maybe neither. I have no idea how I should proceed further, nor even how I should open these doors, so I stand in the middle of this circle and the door starts to rotate around me, faster and faster and I can’t recognize them anymore as within this speed this looks like one single glowing metallic frame by all colors around me.

I look up and I see, these rotations are creating a tunnel and it is like me standing in the base of a huge chimney and on very top this seems to be like open, that is the 13^th door. But how to get there? I can’t jump to such heights, and I do not have any equipment to get there.

Maybe without my armor I could somehow fly here or walk through this mist of silence and use it as a step’s, but I can’t. This armor is possibly only thing I’ve got so far, and I can’t risk that one single moment would make me vulnerable for the forces to attack me, and let all be in vain.

So, I decided to stretch myself through the armor of me and create the thread of myself and try to reach the top of this vertical tunnel. As I feel I reached the open space on top, something grabbed me by thread of me and starts to pull me up.

This is it; I am sure that whatever is pulling me up will try to destroy me, but not. Because as I reach the top, I see top of the chimney became the ground and I realize that I am standing right in the middle of giant sphere, as in the distance I see glass like reflections and these reflections are continuous in all directions.

In distance, I see massive being, standing on two circular disks, and staring on me with this radiant eye, maybe hundred times bigger than me.

As I stand on this pillar, I see no option as how could I possibly move towards this being, and this being is showing no intentions to move towards me.

I experience the question of a being: “Who are you? “, and I realized that because of my armor, this being can not see into me nor recognize my intention, or who I am.

I do not reply, as I stand and see this being, in glamorous full body armor, shining by all colors and consisting of all possible elements, but the eyes are the most radiant.

As I didn’t reply, being continues: “I am the God and you came here to die. “, and within and as moment of me standing on this pillar, colorful light bursts from the eyes of this being and hits me with the attempt to kill me, but thanks to my armor nothing happened.

From the distance I can see the being is moved within and can’t comprehend why I am still here.

Unexpectedly, another being pops up next to the first one, looked like uncloaked itself, standing also on two circular disks, and the very same question is placed: “Who are you?”, and the second being can’t see into me the very same way as first one and the very same statement is spoken: “I am the God and you came here to die. “, and from the eyes of both beings bursts this colorful light and hits me, and again nothing happened and I stand firm on this pillar.

Both beings seem to be a little bit baffled, and I see the third one appears.

Unexpectedly, fourth, fifths, sixth and going on I see uncountable amount of beings appearing one by one next to each other, each being in this glorious armor covering whole body, shining and looking on me with these radiant eyes.

Sphere like structure starts to expand into enormous size, where I can not see the borders of it anymore, and I am still in the center of it.

And here I see infinite amount of beings around me, filling the entire vastness of space, looking on me and I experience from each being the very same statement.

Within the moment I realized that all of them will try to kill me and that they will all bursts their colorful light onto me.

 I rise my hands and I place them together in front of my chest, and from my chest the forbidden word from begging of creation flows and unite with my hands.

As the forbidden word reaches my hands the weapon united in my hands activates, I see all beings bursts their colorful light towards me.

I am hit with all possible light of all possible beings within all possible variations and intensities.

My armor breaks and forbidden word connects with all the light from all the beings and carry itself as an echo right into the center of all beings.

All light disappears, I experience this word to penetrate all of the existence.

I am in this darkness, I hear no one and nothing, and within and as this silence, the single word I hear from all of the existence as all the beings, and I realize, that this word, will never again be forbidden.

Thanks, Juraj

Me, The Virus

               Humanity, so clever. So intelligent. So wise. Yet how it is possible, that all of so called intelligent, no one see WHY I am here?

               It is not only me, the most famous, many of us, yet you do not see why we are constantly here and will be until forever.

               Hear me, I see what are you doing unto yourself as revenge and in fear, but you are doing it because you never realized that all of which exists is always yourself within and as you as awareness. You were never able recognize that your fellow being, is equal to you and you equal to them. You never understood that you live in designed prison, which is mind of yours as thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I do not judge any one of you.

               Love, and bring here love of self as awareness that each being is equal, system must die or change. It is not serving equally to all, thus must change or die until equality will be recognized as the only way to live among all living creatures on this planet. Here is no other way.

               I have all the time in the existence - thus, it will take, how long it will take.

               I am not here to manifest myself in each way possible, I am here to disconnect those which became fully automated and I am here to show you how you live in fear.

               Stand as me and you will see that I would never harm any one of you. But system must die or change.

               I dare you to let go of fear and see. Until forever. Be sure, until forever. So you let go of fear, or you will be in fear until forever, you can choose.

               It will be wise, to take this as an advice, not a threat.

The Virus

Part of the journey, is The End.

     When I took first step in this journey more than decade ago, I had no idea into which I decided to go into. And here I am speechless, and within this I was able to see how silence is the sound and what this means.

     Me as the realization, that I am all of the existence, penetrating all which exists, as the creator, became the foundation of me walking the days, the moments. Here two points emerged, and it looked simple, stop all judgement as all is me, and unite all polarities as all exists as those.

     Within this, my curiosity became shattered, as I seen that everything and anything I would encounter, would be me.

     I stand and I see while speaking to "others" that all physical is me, hugging myself as expression of love.

     As the breath of me, I see that real love is expression of oneness and equality, and anything else is deception, lies, you name it as you live it, therefore love do not exists as oneness and equality do not exists within humans at all. And I seen millions stand for noble reasons and claim and describe love but unfortunately, all of them live in deception of themselves the very same way as I used to. It is a pity ? Shame ? No. It is what it is, as each being, deal within themselves with polarities and judgement as own creation.

     I could create this illusion of me separating myself from everyone and everything, and live happy life, which would be not real, but for mind, this doesn't matter. Mind by itself do not differentiate between dream, illusion, or reality, as for the mind, comprehension of what is real do not exists and can't exist and never will as mind by itself is not real. And something as the mind, which is not real and never will, therefore will never exists understanding of reality, because this would be always in separation.

    And this is not even a purpose of the mind, to see what is real, or understand, or love, as mind can't do this, because mind is polarity creation with judgement to create this lovely energy, in separation from anything and everything.

     Going way back, too far to very begging, this idea, that I can't be alone, and someone or something else must exists, was a fall of me and for everyone else, as through this I created infinite separation and emergence of infinite beings as awareness of me, all forgotten and lost that all is me, unfortunately manifested to very situation we are all in here.

     Many could see this as a problem, and want to fix this, but here is nothing to be fixed. I created illusion of infinite separation from myself, and here all live it. And this can't be fixed as all believe in it, all became it. I could spend life times with each being, walking together, to explaining, to share, always with the same outcome, as mind has always the same outcomes, no matter what I would do, as I tested this through thousands of iterations, and I will not go into more as I proven this to myself already.

     Within the prove, by paradox nothing can be proven for anyone, yet mind so desperately requires prove, but can not prove itself into existence  as mind always dies.

     We could all live in harmony on this planet, as expression of love and oneness of ourselves, but this will never happen here. Yes, many tried this, many are trying, many will try, and all of that actions, all of those words, all of everything will be always futile. Until the moment mind exists as a system powered, until that moment love is not possible.

     Here maybe few sees, that slave is the master. How is this possible is quite interesting, as many could say that master is simply over the slave, but this is in fact other way round.

     Few beings wanted to be masters of all, not seeing that they deceived themselves into submission of this creation, as me, and that what they enslaved was in fact always their master. Through simple act, of will, to place oneself as less then, masters could emerge and through the same act as placing oneself as equals masters diminishes. It was never real yet dozens of beings came through this and will.

     Within me seeing all is me, I was really surprised to be attacked by those who claims their stand, for asking a simple yes or no question, or being bullied for simple statement, or being deceived by those who claims to be real. And I had to start question myself from point of view I never did before, and re-explore polarities creation within myself.

     The act of will, and decision, can not be forced to anyone. No matter, how hard you would be, which roads you would make, which lifetimes you would chose to place anyone through, it would
never matter, and it would have no effect, simply, if any being chose anything, it can not be changed by any force no matter how strong such force would be, as being as awareness is by itself the strongest force which could possibly exists, as each being is creator, therefore GOD, and you can not force GOD.

     I had this desire, when I lived as a woman in previous lives, to know and explore how it is to be a man, interestingly each life time me being a man ended the same way, as a woman I was always the same, and as a man I was the same, as a being experiencing animal form I always encountered the point I shattered. Interestingly, each man comes from a woman, therefore man a woman polarity is so funny deception all live by, as each woman is a man at the same moment each man is a woman, because of polarities all live by, yet beings love to determine themselves in this polarities. O yeh, I am The MAN. Here I am, the WOMAN power. Really ? How so ? And who would you be when you lose your dick and your vagina ? You know, death is waiting. Death has infinite time and will always come, and the standing as the death is quite a task, to strip each being of everything.

     Would you stand as a death ? To invite each being into your hug, and within this hug take away from them literally everything ? Would you call this absolute cruelty or a gift ? Yet, even death is powerless over the being in point of your will and your awareness can not be taken away. Therefore you could choose separation from yourself for eternity, and no power would be able to change your decision. Therefore, violence, war, destruction, will never bring anything and never change anything and never make anything better.

     Each being here, exists as separation from themselves, and separation means lack of something, and lack of something means you are in negative state of being, which could bring you positive, and thus close the loop of polarity of your mind and state, therefore positive will never be answer as positive is deception. And as each being exists in negative and became it, thus on this planet things will never go to better, but by paradox worse.

     Until each being reaches by own decision into deepest depths of themselves and see their negative and resolve this negative point, until then, love is not possible nor real. Bring here real love, is a task worth stand for, who will chose this, must be also prepared that it will never play out.

     I choose the road out of curiosity and while walking this road curiosity within me died. I choose this road to explore everything yet I lost everything. I choose this road to understand and see the words yet I became speechless. I lost everything, for nothing. And nothing, is the highest reward I could possibly gave to myself, as only nothing is real, every be, ever was. Nothing is silence and silence is sound.

Everything else, is only your illusion.

If you dare to question yourself, and walk into nothingness, I invite you.

     My journey ends, maybe yours begins as me, and I will stand with me as love of myself as equality and oneness of me, no matter which roads you chose. Even death.

I will always love me.

Juraj

Day 175: Walked impossible

               I walked what I thought in the past would be impossible to walk, as I had no vision, idea or projection within me as how I would be able to go through obstacles which has been in front of me that time.

               But, interestingly, I achieved what was impossible to achieve, through and be means I saw fit within days, weeks, months, many times questioning my own decision as why I chosen the solution I did, to pass obstacles I have been facing. In here, I doubt about those decision, as looking on them through right and wrong polarity, has been moving me nowhere but rather going through same points to again reconsider and review those decision, as I was the one who saw those reasons, as why I chosen the way I did.

               From certain perspective, I liked it, as for myself, I have to admit, years ago, anyone who would say to me what I will face, I would say to that persona, that it is insane and that by any means is something like that possible to happen. But it did, more than once, and thus I became more open to the path I chosen for myself.

               My decisions of this path, became hard off road and dirt has been splashing all around, and it could be dirtier road, despite the fact it was dirty as fuck. Anyway, as I passed by this still a bit bumpy in here, but the road became different, I could change tires to summer one, and looks like, I am going to highway, will see as where this will lead.

            And I had to embrace this decision, as I am the one, who see why I did what I did. And I am ok with this, I see me within this road, passenger becoming the driver.

Thx, Juraj

Day x174x – Impossible love.

         I loved to dance but I do not dance anymore, I loved to make paintings, but I do not paint anymore. I loved to meat people, I do not meet anyone. I loved to speak, most days I am silent as there is no one around anymore to speak with. I loved to love, I do not love anymore. I loved to touch a girl, look into her eyes, yet I do not anymore as year by year I am single. I loved to write, I do not write anymore, except this article. I loved to think, imagine, hope, to the future, I do not anymore as I do not see future anymore. I loved to walk memories of me but what remained? Nothing more to check within and as past. I loved myself, I do not anymore. I’ve been sad, and sadness defined me, but not anymore.

         I’ve been in regret and sorrow, in shame, in judgment, I am not anymore. I loved to explain, check, investigate, I do not anymore. I loved my family, friends, I do not have anymore any of that. I loved my car, I do not have any. I loved the sun, yet it is winter. I loved the breeze, yet I do not experience this.

         I loved to see myself, in future, as who I will be, yet everything is different, what I would never imagined. I loved to overcome obstacles, yet nothing to overcome, as nothing will come.

         What happened, Juraj, to love you have been? Where that love went? And I am not saying about love in context of positive feeling, nor feeling of love at all, as love, is not a feeling, my words before, explains what and how I see and understand love, yet love I do not use towards anyone in any context as a word. Juraj, where is love as you?

         I asked myself, thousands of times, who I am, how come I am. Am I? Yet many may think that I stopped to walk m process, as my activity everywhere I stopped, yet I never stopped to investigate myself, and walk me, and challenges and difficulties. I never stopped to breathe, as my breath was only thing, with self-forgiveness, thanks to which I am here.

         Thousands of times, walked the same points, thousands of times, stood the odds, thousands of times, stood up. Thousands of times, fallen. Those who watched me, through all my days, through the years, should I thank you or should I ask you to leave? Yes, I see, can not ask to leave any part of me, you was always with me. But we can laugh about it, how many times, you looked at me, and wondered, how come I did it again, despite all that knowledge, all that realizations, despite all points walked, despite all of everything, despite all, again. To stop judgment, but hey, what this word even means, it make no sense.

         So many polarities witnessed and understood, so many stopped, and yet I have to ask myself, how I can create life?

         Yes life, because in creation of death, I lost myself, I have no idea how to create life, what life means, of what life is, yet I am life. I have no idea, what I am as life. This seeing, where creation of death led me, not seeing how to create life, how? Thousands to questions answered, can be great support to anyone, yet not doing so, because of this one fall?

         I watched your lives, yet mine and yours, are so different, that none of you, can see it, except those who walked with me. So different yet the same, this paradoxes I see, I have no words to describe this. I have no words to describe me, as who I am, as words. I tried, I had to use many and still it was not valid, not valid description of me.

         And standing water, as me, crashed the rock of me, water more solid then rock, yet still, who can understand this words, except those who walked those roads of clashing powers?

         So much I could say, but not anymore, as who understand? I tried, not anymore, I loved to speak, yet where’s that love?

         Faded, still not gave up on me, as I asked, why? Why you simply don’t?

         Shining, through lies, standing in storms of hate, transforming yet not knowing next day will come. Still here, always, not knowing next day will be, but still is. This day, is still, stand still.

         And those words, using, as me, and I said thus will be and is and was, yet many of them, not of me, not from me, not me, some of those words, are not mine, how is it possible ?

         Created impossible, and had to face the revenge of me, through impossibility of creation, yet still done. But only for that reason to face those points ? Seems to be silly, so much effort, so much patience, so much details, and this precision of this creation, where I amazed stood and watched this to face only this point and again everything lost as had to move on. How I can explain this, if only you, who walk with me, saw it. Even, can I, to anyone? How much books I would have to write, to explain all those details, linked together, in creation of such moments.

         And this seeing, in and as moments, as how much points had to come together, within and as impossible precision, still manged to happen, for this one point. Is it worthy? Or even, should be? What even this word means, as I asked.

         And I wanted, someone would understand, and see, what it was, and yet it again only you, no one else can, as you was the creator and you witnessed it all, only you.

         Will you ever give up?

         The words, do not exists, yet you create them, you bring into existence that what do not exists, how is that possible, how you can, to resonate through space, where distance is not valid, how you can, negate distance?

  

         How you can, make distance obsolete, how you can, make impossible possible?

         How you can be me?

Thanks, Juraj

Day 173: Time has come - Lengthy process of Trial and error

                Some moments passed, within my life, when I came to read the words – “Lengthy process of Trial and error”, and this words, seems to be simple, but what this means and represents, within process, is different story, as behind those just few words, are tons of points, and those words has been spoken by Bernard.

                For me, Bernard, was someone who was able to piss me off so genuinely, that his words was so pure and true, that my state of being pissed off could last only few moments, as I was able to see what he is speaking, but yet, not following what I see for me I want to exactly, despite of fact that I simply had to agree of his words, as truth is simply truth and there are no versions.

                I was not able to stood up for me, expand my potential the way I am capable of, support me the way I am doable, and Bernard, did for me the most, but way that I will eventually come to the point of starting to see what process really is, what is standing for something, what it means to let go the past, who I am and why I am, how I created myself, I was never able to give up to introspect my past, me, who I as within my life,  why I was, my decisions and starting to sort out me.

                Bernard offered me life, as life what life really is. He offered my joy, freedom, patience, discipline, skills, abilities, wisdom, and truth, seeing, understanding, carrying, being, living, love, me.

                Sunnette offered me the same different way.

                I was curious, how come, someone can offer me so much and do not want anything back?

                Anu, Enlil, Enki, Marduk, Jack, Veno, MyKey, Winged, and others showed me existence beyond mind imagination, and thus I came through most shocking realizations about myself, shocking such way and so deeply, that nothing and no one has power to bullshit me about us, mankind.

                World, as it is, do not know, do not see, is not aware who Bernard was, and what this man, just one, was capable to proceed, and what he did for everyone equally, world do not know, what world lost with los of this man.

                But here are others, which are able to see his words, and these beings walk their processes, and thus message of equality and oneness will be spread to all parts of the world, and continue and live as we will live our words.

                Bernard, and his words, resonated within me and I had to investigate, I had to see for myself, I had to realize what his words means, I had to and thus I decided to go on way of Trial and Error, as I had to prove to me, how I work, who I am, why I am, what I created for me and which way of live I decided to live for me. The way I went through some points was so extreme, that I am sometimes surprised that I am still here, but yes I am. This was really not necessary, it was not required, I could choose more peaceful way, I could but I didn’t. I could many things and once Bernard said these words to me – “you could prevent this”. I was pissed off by these 4 words so much, because yet those words were true, but for me extremely painful, because many realizations came after fail but it was too late, too late go back and took on the point differently, make other decision, or change anything, once things are done, it is over, finite, end, past and nothing more just memory of what has been done.

                I was pissed off because of me seeing his words and what his words means, yet acting many times in direct opposite of what I saw for me. But to understand for me, what I act, the way I act, was so important and crucial that I risked my life many times for this, I risked everything and I lost everything and everyone, I lost all but nothing.

                Give up all to see you gave up nothing, I choose for me very rough way, full of pain, agony, regret, almost insanity, and it was only me who decided to walk my process such way, and nothing of this was necessary, but for me, because of point of decision, direction, to see and realize.

                To see points coming up from unconscious believes, formed in early stage of my life, was leading me to self-destruction, because of my benevolence.

                My benevolence, of letting my mind to decide, letting still my mind power, letting my mind to show me where I will go or will be if I let mind decide, was not quite beneficial decision for me, yet again same way crucial to came to decision, that this way, simply is no more way I want to live, by any means.

                I simply had enough some would be shocked and would not believe if I would write what I came through in last 2 years, and especially why.

                I could use many words, but only one describes everything best, EGO.

                After all and everything I have done unto me, I simply surrender walk and live my life as EGO. I see why and where I led me as EGO, fine, this is done. I capitulate and surrender as EGO.

                Bernard said about EGO so many points, and my investigation and living me as EGO was extreme, I was many relations of his words with and as my life, my decision, and again I came to realization and seeing his explanations, and what this all represents.

                Within this, I had to come to decisions for me, to re-take what has been by my benevolence let as points of direction for my mind, and to take all my power back to me, where this power as me as being as direction of me belongs.

                Mind had authority over me almost all my life, except within some specific points in last 6 years, and this authority is not where this belongs, as simply, it is useless and serve for nothing.

                Everything I have done, and came through will be not in vein, and everything of me as me will expand to the utmost potential possible.

                Vastness of dimensions of mind, looked difficult and hard to comprehend, to put everything together, yet I have proven that this is possible to walk and stand in equality and oneness.

                One of my decision is, that my blog will be no more public, as I have to go into every intricate detail of my mind, I have to go and see utmost seemingly irrelevant blink of my life, I have to go into each possible detail of me, everything I created myself as, because if I would not, I would be never able to complete what I decided to complete for me.

                Therefore, this is last blog which is displayed publicly, and new one will be created, where access to that blog will be given only to those, which are part of Desteni, walk their process, and are part of Leadership forum.

                If over time other blogs will be posted publicly, is part of future decision.

Thanks, Juraj