As a child once I watched movie, called star man, at the beginning of the movie, there was scene where child is born and this child is growing up extremely fast, the shapes of the body, face, everything morphed and grow and became adult male within few seconds.
I couldn’t event look on that, I was frighten as hell, the very picture of the face of the child, how this is growing, how the bones are shaped, this scared me, the sounds connected to this, I was within me fuckingly scared of that scene, the energy I experienced within me was immensely strong, I couldn’t understand what I experience, I believed it is me, I believed it is real experience of me and thus I started to be defined to this experience and to this energy.
Here I see.
I became interesting in horror movies, I became curious of the fear, what it is, how it is, why it is, I watched in my early ages all horror movies possible, and I even created within me likeness towards fear as energy experience within me. I wanted to experience this frightening, so I watched horror movies with passion, with focus, what I will see and how I will experience this fear. I created relationship within me towards the fear, fear as energy experience was that what I was seeking for. Thus the horror movies became my favorites, even I searched for this in books, even without any understanding why I like those type of movies and why I like to read books where I could run within my imagination of the scenarios and how it could be, just for sake to experience this energy and even totally blind and unaware why I am doing it and what is my driving for to watch that movies and fear those books.
After some period, horror movies became boring to me, stupid, saying nothing, just lot of gore, lot of masks, lot of illusion and not real creatures, nothing which I could generate energy for myself, as unconsciously the desire to experience energy as a fear, as a fear from pictures became part of my mind and thus myself, and thus I let the mind and this very desire and this want for energy experience as a fear to direct my life, to direct who I am, to direct what I perceived I am and others, to direct myself towards situations where the fear could be generated with a mixture of other feelings and emotions, blind, so blind, understanding nothing, seeing nothing, just living as zombie desiring the energy even without knowing that energy is that what directs me.
Here I see.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself towards very energy experience as fear when I watched movie where the child became adult man and create within me the fear towards such pictures within me and as energy experience thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that this energy experience as fear was real experience of me as myself as that what is matter as flesh as body thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create likeness within me towards this energy as fear and define myself according this energy experience and thus became searching and hunting this energy experience and wanting and desiring to experience this fear as energy again.