Day 21 : Super EGO - I manipulated you all

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                Today morning, as I was moving from flat I was quite calm, as my days started to be like relaxing moments as I started to enjoy my process, from perspective when I started to see that I can really change and that I can change for real.

                As I moved through the town and came to the office, the thought came up within me “ I manipulated you all “, firstly I was like frightened within me, like what the fuck this thought is? Then I calm down myself, as I see here is no reason to judge it, or make from it more that what it is, just thought, I didn’t speculated about the thought by itself, but I just became curious in meaning, how even come that this thought come up, what this thought really means, and what it says about myself.

                My frightening was because of the very question, did I really manipulated all in meaning with my words, actions, writings, people here, everything I know and perceive, it was just my manipulation?

                To this thought was like connected to sense of to be more, but then I realized, how the mind with the thoughts is amazingly tricky and how fast I can go into a great shit creation within me.

                I applied SF on the thought by itself, and then I realized, how the very allowance and acceptance of thought is creating whole new complex scenario within oneself, starting with more/less play out, sense and perception, additional thought which can be connected to this, judgments, needs, desires, simply like whole new persona/character creation just of allowance of just one single thought.

                As I looked on this thought, I saw how this is based on nothing, as there is no evidence in my life that I could really manipulated all beings, or that everything I said was just for sake of manipulation of everything what I wrote, or even that realization could be manipulation. No. Thus I searched within me if I will find anything relevant to this, it was like to scan within me what I said, starting points of my actions, my writing, what I wrote, why I wrote, with whom I was with, why I was with that persona, what I spoke about, what directed me or if I directed the conversations, when and how I allowed the energy to direct me, my dishonesties, and I found nothing and I start to laugh on myself and I start to enjoy my day.

                Thus the very thought: “ I manipulated you all “ – connected sense to be more than others but seeing that it is not real.

                Why sense to be more? Coming from like unconscious comparison with others which see “ less and realize “ less. Why comparing with those who see and realize less? Te be able to create the point of to be more. Why not comparing with those who see and realize more? Because I do not see and realize what they see and realize thus like not able to compare. Also the point not able to compare what it means to see and realize all and everything within moment here as I see that I am bit far from that point.

                Why want to create the point of to be more? To charge and recreate the ego, better said the super ego of me, where the abilities would be abused and used just for sake of charging the ego and getting the energy and making more and more from myself and create the perception of others to be less and not worthy.

                Why to recreate the ego as super ego of me? To have “ option “ and ability to destroy, demolish, diminish, and eventually lead myself to complete fall of myself in all aspect of me and turn to complete dishonesty, separation, where the statement: Fuck you fucking fuckers would be the motto of my life.

                As I looked on this, it is quite interesting, where and how can one simple thought lead, what can one simple thought create, and what could be the outcome of allowance such thought and of course, consequences of one’s living based on thoughts.

                Let’s stop each thought, it create really nice fuck-ups.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of comparison with those who see and realize less than me to get the valid platform for creation the point of to be more than others and perceive myself more than them and be able to see them less and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of recreation of my super ego where I would use my abilities, realizations, understanding and seeing as a point of abuse, dishonesty, separation, and making from myself more than others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a very desire to want to be more than others and thus can feel better about me and not have to look within me at my own dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point for creation of better feeling about myself and creating the sense of to be more than others as a reason and validation why I can remain fucked within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of separation from everyone and everything where all are seen as less than me and thus charge my super ego with energy and thus creating and getting energy for myself from this allowance and acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of to me more than others and perceived as winner in competition where winner gets all and looser loose all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point for validation of polarity as more than/less than and want and desire to be in the side of to be more than.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of perception of myself that because I am able to be more effective within my living thus I have to be more than those who struggle in their lives and have miserable lives.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a comparison with others and wanting to see myself as more than them and through this giving my mind the power to compare.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of existing comparison within me as a secret competition within others to be a winner and to be a more than them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of validation of my ego that I am so good manipulator that I am capable to manipulate all, instead of realizing that this is just illusion of my mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of wanting to validate my ability to manipulate and thus wanting to create the perception of being one who can be able to manipulate all.

I commit myself to stop all manipulation.

Thanks, Juraj