Day 31 : Face the anger

                Today I met my flat mate in the lift, and she was totally angry on me, because I dared to use balcony without her permission to go through her room, the fact that she is going into my room, her parents and her dog also, was completely irrelevant and forgotten fact for her, as she was only seeing what I dared. So she was really furious about on me.

                As I was hearing her shouting on me in anger, I started to laugh because it was funny for me, what she is expressing and how she behave, the “ stupidity “ of such situation was obvious. As I started laugh she became even more pissed off about me and she wanted to not laugh on her, I just replied that I am not laughing on her, that I am laughing that she is angry without any reason, and thus she is not able to communicate, just shouting on me.

                As she continued, I noticed interesting point, it was like she is trying to take over me through her anger, as she wants to be dominant and more through her anger, and I started to experience like losing my stability as what she was trying to impose on me that I did something bad/wrong and that she has the right to be angry and scream on me.

                The energy experience starting to emerge within me as losing my balance, my hands start to shake a bit as I experience thus I just tried to calm down situation and speak, but it was not helping me to direct situation as to communicate with someone where his/her mind took over and communicate just as anger is quite difficult, thus I saw that I just need to stop this as this was leading nowhere and so I stopped this communication, turned back and just left away.

                I realized, that I do not like to face people while they are angry, as I see difficulties to direct this communication and also the point that I am during such event losing my own stability, and as I stop participate in such event, my stability was back, but I see that I should be able to be stable the same way, doesn’t matter which event I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose my stability and balance while facing the anger as someone expressing anger in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose balance when I face someone who is angry.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience or losing my balance and stability, instead of realizing that I can focus on my breath the very same way as during other situation and thus keep my balance and stability and do not allow myself to be taken over be anger of someone else.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lose my stability and balance while facing someone who Is trying to impose on me that I did something bad and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the energy experience as perception that I did something bad and thus I allowed myself to go out of my balance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to participate on communication with someone who is angry and not directing myself effectively to stop this anger influence me and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be influenced by anger of person I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be influenced as my experiences of me while communicating with someone who is possessed by emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not realize and see that while I face situation when someone is angry I can be calm and keep my balance as to focus on my breath and be with my breath and be stability and balance as me and thus direct myself as my actions and my words to do not be influenced by possessions of others and directed by them I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by energy possessions of others and became influenced and create within me the experience and sense of losing my own stability and balance.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 30 : I harmed my body

                Today I over trained my body, as I was in gym and trained with lifts which I am capable of, but at the very end of training, where my body was exhausted, I practiced box with kicks, just mixture of them, and as I became so tired and exhausted thus the frequency of punches and kicks I performed with the most effort and highest frequency, as I wanted finish and thus make something like “ dot “ after training.

                At the end of training, I ignored my body and signals that it is enough, I ignored my breath and I just became the kicking and punching machine, I came out of breath, and pains in my body and pains after training during breathing emerged, quite strong for several minutes.

                I realized, what I did as I didn’t moved with my breath, I forgot my breath, I forgot myself at the end of training, I stop listen my body, I gave my power to my mind at the end of training and I just became “ hero “ for a moment. Lol.  

                Here I sit with the pains in my body, in bones, spine, muscles, and I see, how as the mind, I can only harm the flesh, and not express myself, mind is never expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not listen to my body.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget my breath during practicing punches and kicks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to gave power to my mind to direct me into performing punches and kicks as the mind as energy as want to became the hero and winner just for a while where I accepted and allowed myself to be directed by competition drive where I tried to compete with myself and not express myself with my body as one thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to harm my body through allowance and acceptance of movements of my body as my hands and legs as competition thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to gave power to my mind to move as the mind and not be here with my breath as breath as one with my body and express myself as punches and kicks.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 29 : Do I exist ?

                 Today afternoon I fall asleep and I woke up probably after 1 hour, at my surprise I woke up in fear, with fear as fear. The very question I searched why, why it is and how even come that when I go to sleep, that waking up is in fear, as fear, and why the fear as emotion is like “ hunting “ me for several last day.

                Then when I moved out of a flat, I was like not completely awaken, but awaken at the same time, strange, and as I moved, and walked, the question and as a fear came up – Do I exist ?

                Yes me as a body , the body exist, I can be sure that my body is real, but the question was connect towards me as am I ? Do I exist as eye ? Do I exist as I ? And this eye as I of me as a mind is self made construct, creation of myself according perception, thus why the fear if I exist as I see that it is not real ? Did I thus created within me the relationship to this I as a believe that I cannot live without I ?

                The body as a flesh, apparently can exist without I as the illusion of me witch I defined myself into, but the fear if I exist came from nothingness I experienced as me, to experience me as nothing as no existent nothingness, but as I am nothing thus I exist ? is therefore nothing nothing ? Or this nothingness is by paradox everything as me who I am ? thus I am as nothing but I still exist ?

                How I can be as nothing and exist?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that if I am nothing thus I do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the nothingness as nothingness of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I can exist as nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear me as nothing as no experiences of energy of the mind as no experiences as positive and negative, no self judgments and no polarity of the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to cease to exist as a mind and fear to let go myself as definitions within and as mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 28 : Fear – Energy which enslave

                As a child once I watched movie, called star man, at the beginning of the movie, there was scene where child is born and this child is growing up extremely fast, the shapes of the body, face, everything morphed and grow and became adult male within few seconds.

                I couldn’t event look on that, I was frighten as hell, the very picture of the face of the child, how this is growing, how the bones are shaped, this scared me, the sounds connected to this, I was within me fuckingly scared of that scene, the energy I experienced within me was immensely strong, I couldn’t understand what I experience, I believed it is me, I believed it is real experience of me and thus I started to be defined to this experience and to this energy.

                Here I see.

                I became interesting in horror movies, I became curious of the fear, what it is, how it is, why it is, I watched in my early ages all horror movies possible, and I even created within me likeness towards fear as energy experience within me. I wanted to experience this frightening, so I watched horror movies with passion, with focus, what I will see and how I will experience this fear. I created relationship within me towards the fear, fear as energy experience was that what I was seeking for. Thus the horror movies became my favorites, even I searched for this in books, even without any understanding why I like those type of movies and why I like to read books where I could run within my imagination of the scenarios and how it could be, just for sake to experience this energy and even totally blind and unaware why I am doing it and what is my driving for to watch that movies and fear those books.

                After some period, horror movies became boring to me, stupid, saying nothing, just lot of gore, lot of masks, lot of illusion and not real creatures, nothing which I could generate energy for myself, as unconsciously the desire to experience energy as a fear, as a fear from pictures became part of my mind and thus myself, and thus I let the mind and this very desire and this want for energy experience as a fear to direct my life, to direct who I am, to direct what I perceived I am and others, to direct myself towards situations where the fear could be generated with a mixture of other feelings and emotions, blind, so blind, understanding nothing, seeing nothing, just living as zombie desiring the energy even without knowing that energy is that what directs me.

                Here I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself towards very energy experience as fear when I watched movie where the child became adult man and create within me the fear towards such pictures within me and as energy experience thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that this energy experience as fear was real experience of me as myself as that what is matter as flesh as body thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create likeness within me towards this energy as fear and define myself according this energy experience and thus became searching and hunting this energy experience and wanting and desiring to experience this fear as energy again.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 27 : Limitation unlimited

                I experience myself to be limited, extremely limited, why? Obviously, it was me who allowed to be limited, as in my life I had no understanding a shit about the mind, thus I allowed everything, and here, I am like, I see but I see that my seeing is so limited. I realized lot of points, but my realizations just come from limits which I was able to break within me.

                 I dare to say, that even what I am aware of is extremely limited. It is like wanting to expand, to grow, to be aware everything what I really am, but the experience of me is like suppressed, I suppressed the experience of who I am and I became my own limitation.

                How I can expand? How I can break my limitations? Can I break all of them at once? Or I just have to go one by one? Or I just realize that this limitation is not real and I’ll wake up from this horror of limitation? Yes, it came to me like horror.

                How I’ll become equal with all parts of me? It is fear why I separated myself from myself? Or it is just energy? Or it is a mixture of everything which mind consists of and therefore I can’t even see directly all points I became limited and enslaved into?

                Did I really diminished and suppressed my expression so fuckingly cleverly hard, that here I experience myself to became my total limitation?

                I experience nothing, just this vast limitation of me which I became.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit and suppress my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that I have to be limited and that I have to live limited according rules/dogmas/believes/needs/ desires/perceptions/ feelings/emotions of the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do not see and realize that limitation is self created illusion as a prison through very acceptance and allowance of each one component of mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to imprison myself into self created illusion of who I am as mind and live this illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from my physical body and suppress my expression as who I really am as a body as a flesh as that what is matter and became just and illusion living in the mind as the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to became equal with the mind not realizing that through this I am allowing to separate myself from myself in each part which my body consist of and not seeing and realizing that I became just living entity within my body separated from the part of my body thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that what is of the mind is more than my physical body through believe in soul as a dogma that soul is immortal and body as flesh die, instead of realizing that what is real is just this flesh and just this matter as physical thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit and diminish my expression and oneness with my body as flesh through believes about a soul not seeing that I am suppressing myself as who I really am and imprisoning myself into a mind through allowance of such believes and ideas about a life thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that life is about that what I experience within me as me as a feeling and emotions not seeing that none of them are real and just suppress through this believe myself and my real expression thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live and express myself according feelings/emotions and components which mind consist of as a desires / fears / wants / needs / believes / ideas / perceptions / self interest / selfishness / ego thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate from my body and became just the mind and live just as the mind not honoring m body as that what is real but giving attention and power to my mind and glorifying the illusion of me as me as the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do not want to be equal and one with my body as a flesh as a physical but just only with that what is of the mind as that is all I know and as that is what I ever think and believe that I could be thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that I can be only mind and that what is of the mind not seeing and searching how to break my own created limitations and how to stop all separation I allowed and accepted so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do not stand up for my body and equalize myself with my body and became equal and one with mind and body as one.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 26 : I am one moment far away from explosion

                Today, from morning in certain manner everything started cool, moment by moment I enjoyed my day, my work, the simplicity of pushing myself through my resistances and thus working on everything what was scheduled today, just breathing, working, enjoying the moments.

                After lunch, I received message that the police blocked my car, without any reason, as my car parks the same way as others, simply fascist police in my country are abusing the power they have each way possible and thus getting money from citizens for their bosses, as in my country the wild west is possibly weak word, simply, in Slovakia, the laws has been raped and fucked every way possible by those in power to maintain their power.

                The fact that police took away my driving license for a year for no reason and for their mistake, I was able to took as fact and do not connect anything to that, as I saw that I can do nothing about that as the files has been already destroyed and thus I have nothing “ against “ police.

                But here, I am on moment far from blowing up, I see that if I will allow anger to ignite within me thus that anger would raise maybe infinitely, I see that if I will allow it the rage would be just far away from that immense anger which could possibly explode within me.

                But I am calm. As I am still one moment far away. What I will allow next moment? Just one moment, can completely determine and change the life completely. One single moment, this is quite fascinating, how much can be changed in one moment.

                I breathe. I see how destructive anger is. I breathe, I breathe.

Thanks, Juraj