Several times, I experienced
within moments when woman paid for myself in the restaurant, or at coffee bar, nervousness,
the perception that I am a male and I should not allow woman to pay came almost
always to my mind.
I felt always uncomfortable, and
I had problems to accept the point that woman paid, as the perception, believe
and idea that I as a male should show woman that I have money, that I am able
to pay, that I must pay for woman, especially for the one I would like to be
with, date with, be in relationship with.
If I had money to pay, I always
wanted to be the one who pay, and show that I can, and if woman wanted to pay I
felt bad about myself, as perception that I can’t accept that, that I am the
one who have to pay, as believe that me as male should always be the one who
show money, thus my self definitions and my self brainwashing within and as
money and woman became clear.
Or that I as a male, when became
short of money, that it is unacceptable to speak true that I have no money in
front of woman, or that I am less if I am short of money, or that the way how
woman will look on me will change if I will say true that I have no money.
The brainwashing of myself, in
front of woman, and different attitude to those which I would like to be with,
almost ruined me from certain perspective, and finally I had to come out with
true, that I am without money. After this, the perception, believe come up,
that me as a male is less than, if I run out of money, because if I would take responsibility
for myself thus this would never happen.
What this showed me, is quite
interesting, also the perception and idea that thus I came out of money, thus I
have no “right” to ask a woman to be with me, because if I am without money,
thus I am not worthy, or that she do not want to be with me, as how she could
if I am not with money.
The perception, idea and believe
that girls look on money and scan a male through a money as potential partner
became part of me, as this I saw uncountable many times. As per saying – No money
– no love. And by paradox, I do not wanted to buy love of the woman, but show
myself in a light of a male with money, even when I was short of and I really couldn’t
afford to pay anything, I was dishonest with me many times and rather paid that
what I couldn’t afford, just to do not have to say I can’t.
The brainwashing of myself, when
woman supported me with money, and the experience that I am less than, unworthy
or not interesting came up, and idea, believe, perception and guessing how she perceive
myself now, if I placed myself into such situation.
My self definitions as a male,
towards the money and a woman, became quite simple, as perception that I have
always show that I have money, even when I was in bad situation, by paradox I went
to that bad situation just because I was dishonest with myself, and spent money
the way I couldn’t afford.
And everything what was just required,
was just my own self honesty, within many different situations in front of
women.
It is so simple, just be self
honest. That’s all.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to show woman
that I have money and that through this I will be interesting for her, that I have
to always pay and that I have to act the way to do not show that I am short of
money.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say to woman
that I am short of money, that I will not be interesting for the and that she
would like not want to be with me, speak with me, be in my presence.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t accept that
woman will pay for myself.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say that I do
not have money, that I am unworthy in the eyes of woman.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to define myself through money as a male as a
male EGO where I thought and believe that me as male have to show that I am
able to get money for everything what is necessary and if not thus I am less
than others.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to compare myself with other males and the
amount of money I have and they and through this see myself and compare and
define myself as less than if I compared myself with those ones which have more
money than me.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be in
relationship with girl only when I will show her that I have money and that she
will accept me only if I will show that I have money.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept myself as human being but
instead define myself and my life through money I have or I do not have.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to define relationship between male and female
through money and that I as a male have to make sure money are maintained.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not such good as
others if I do not have money.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to feel bad about myself and experience myself
in resistance, rejection and resistance when woman paid for myself.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to feel negative energy as self definition of
not being good enough if female supported me with money, paid for myself or
bought something for myself.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept the equality within using of
money between male and female.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to act in front of myself in self dishonesty in
using of money in front of woman I was interested in for possible relationship.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to be dishonest with me in using of money, and
do not consider practical point with using of money.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that self dishonesty with
using of money is ok.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and do not accept
money just as a tool within the system for practical points, how I can support
myself and others.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself as being bad or unworthy if I ran
out of money, instead of see and realize that everything what was required for
myself was just be self honest within and as me with using of money, no matter
what moment, point, or person I am facing.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that girls always scan male
through amount of money male have and thus through this decide about male as
possible partner or not.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to judge women as those ones which looks on male
only through money, instead of see and realize that it was me who was looking
on myself through money.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to see my through money and amount of money I have
or do not have, and within this participate in mind design of more than and
less than and follow the mind design of superiority and inferiority.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to fuck up myself with money and define myself
just because of papers with colors on and through coins, instead of see
practicality of money within system.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I have no money
thus I have no right to want to be with woman in relationship, or to be in
presence of woman, because of self judgment of not being good enough or not
being worthy.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to do not take responsibility for myself and for
money I earn ,get, and act with money in self dishonest way and thus create for
myself and others consequences which could be easily stopped, instead of see
and realize that I can’t put my life into emergency or life of others because
of not wanting take self responsibility for money, that I have accept myself as
myself and use it the way to support myself and others.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to create not necessary consequences with using
of money in self dishonest way, because of not wanting take self responsibility
and see and realize what money really is within system.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to see life through money, define life through money and thus enslave life into and as illusion of money.
Thanks,
Juraj
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