Day 55 : Fear of betrayal – Part 2

                May times I faced the point, when the words of others has not been hold, when something has been said, promised, but actions of others has been different.

                Thus me, as a boy, I started to speak the promises, to my parents, to my brothers and sister, to my friends, to speak the words out of me, but aware I am not going to hold such words. As I saw that others do not hold what has been spoken, I thought myself, that it is ok to live that way, that others do not hold their words, thus I do not have to hold my words either, that if others betrayed me, I can betrayed others.

                I see here, how much deception has been created, and the most, my self deception within my words, what I said, how I said, to whom and with what intentions.

                The very fear, that I will be betrayed, the very fear of being betrayed, directed me to various situations in my life, where I faced and realized that this persona betrayed me, It was just confirmation for myself that I cannot trust human beings, that human beings are not trust worthy, that words which are spoken are just empty, useless bullshits spoken, and I felt lonely, hurt, I felt sorrow in me because of such spoken word which has not been hold.

                And thus, by paradox, I became the same, I copied this behavior, I copied this believe, that I do not need to hold my words, and thus question is – Who the fuck I became?

                I became not trustworthy persona, as I do not trusted anymore to anyone, I even stop trust in myself as I lost myself in the mess of lies, deception, self deception, as EGO separated entity, living just on my own, going and searching where I could get energy for myself, as I was not able to see into me and see my fears, anxieties and anger, as horror which I lived as a horror I accepted and allowed to wards myself.

                How could I trust to myself, if I was even not able to see what directs me? How could I trust inn me, if I was not able to see through the layers of lies within me and in others? How could I trust in me, when everything I knew, everything I became, was simply the lie? How could I live me, love me, like me, if I was not able to see what I live, who I am within this all, what are my needs, wants, desires, why this I allowed, how I created myself, what are the masks I used in front of others, why I hide, why I lived in polarity of the mind and many, many more?

                Where I lost the trust in me, how I lost the trust in me? It was when I started to stand as Ego, as a separate entity - within and as my mind, where this I, as energy became all of me. Where the thoughts started to flow in me, where I started to believe the thoughts, where I started to believe in illusion of me, as accepted and allowed thoughts, and therefore the energy created as a perception and believe that such experiencing is living me. It was not so. It is not so. It is deception, it is the utmost self deception ever, I lived in self deception, I lived lies of me, I lived the hoax of me, I live illusion of me, I placed my trust into illusion and disregarded myself as life, disregarded what is real, that what is here, as I turned to a god, god in my head as a voice in me I allowed and accepted to live – full of fear and horror.

                Time to stop.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a voice within and as me, voice in my head, as a voice of the mind, not seeing and realizing that this voice and this words in my head are of the mind and thus not real word of me as who I am here as life, as breath but words of the mind as a illusion as a program I allowed and accepted to myself to live accordingly and therefore follow and became the illusion of this voice as a reflection of my past, as a reflection of my past allowances and acceptances and thus diminishing my self value as life, disregarding what is real as what is here in very moment and thus accepting and allowing to live in self deception and lies of me as who I am, as defined separated EGO within and as my mind, where I placed the trust into a mind as a thoughts and thus energy experiences as polarity where I split myself into two parts as good/bad, positive/negative, like/do not like, true/not true, instead of seeing and realizing that only what is real is here, as life as breath of life of all beings, as that what matters as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will be betrayed in the future as a projection to the future in my mind that because I was betrayed in the past thus I have to be in future as well, not seeing and realizing that this is just repeating the living of the mind as a fear as a separation as a delusion of myself as my self definition as definition of trust, and therefore from perceived trust derived perception and experience of betrayal as a sorrow, pain, and feeling of being hurt, instead of seeing and realizing that only what can be trusted is here as only what is here is real, instead of seeing and realizing that mind can’t be trusted in anyway whatsoever as mind is deception of myself where mind always manipulate myself to do not see me, to see others and that what is here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see myself as a point of separation myself from myself as a point of separation myself from what is here but allowing and accepting to live in self delusion as self defined entity as EGO separated from all and everything, where ideas, believes, thoughts and energy experiences became my living and through this allowing and accepting to lost myself, to lost trust in myself, to lost me and to lost trust in others.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lost my trust in myself through allowing and accepting living as a mind, living as a EGO, living as a energy addict where I allowed and accepted to be directed by the thoughts and energies I perceived within and as me positive and do not wanting to see into me what I suppressed within me as fears, anger and anxieties.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed as a point of myself separated from myself and thus fear that I will betray myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can speak the words with being aware that I will not hold such words, and thus creating from me self deluded entity as EGO, where I allowed and accepted to speak empty words to myself, to others, and thus just live according lies and in separation from words I speak.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to thin and believe that if I saw others to lie, to deceive, that I can also deceive and lie and thus live in self deception of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place trust into a empty words of others, not seeing and realizing that all beings are living the mind and thus can’t be trusted, as everything of the mind can’t be trusted in anyway whatsoever.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a lies of the mind as words in my head and energies within me, instead of trusting myself here, instead of trusting my breath, instead of trusting the physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself and my self expression with placing my trust into a mind instead of trusting my breath here and thus express myself as living being here, as life, equal and one with myself , as the flesh as my body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my living and my seeing by placing my trust into a mind, as that what I know as information and knowledge of this world, instead of seeing and realizing that everything of this world is of the mind and therefore can’t be trusted.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 54 : Fear of disappointment – Fear of betrayal

                As a young boy my father was my god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should behave the same way.

                I placed my trust to his words, I placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.

                Once day, when my eyes turned wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses, as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.

                At my surprise, my father said, that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe most cheapest one they had.

                I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed, I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.

                I could not understand how come he said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a trust died within me.

                I see, that because of various moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.

                Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me, trust in myself, and trust others.

                As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the trust in myself has been reborn.

                Here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed or disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.

I commit myself to trust myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 53 : Clarity

                Self forgiveness brings clarity to ones speech, self forgiveness brings clarity to ones words, within and as self forgiveness one can see what has been allowed and accepted to live, to oneself, to others, to nature.

                Clarity is seeing without any shadow of doubt, without any thought in the head, without any reaction, clarity is here where always clarity was, but paradox we was never here.

                Clarity is speaking without any desire, without any fear, clarity is expression of that what is here.  It is speaking directly, just expressing myself here, as clarity as what is me.

                Clarity – is self honesty.

                I am clarity of me, I am purity of me, I am innocence of me, I am stability of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blind myself in living in and as a mind, as a system which can’t see because systems looks through knowledge and information, where systems looks only as EGO and self interest, thus system can’t see a shit thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live within and as my own self dishonesty, protecting my dishonesty, running away from myself, do not wanting to look into me, do not want to see what I have allowed and accepted to myself to live, to became, to express within and as dishonesty of me, instead of standing up for myself, standing up for myself as who I am here as life, giving value to myself where all parts of me are considered equally, where nothing of me is left behind, where all of me is revealed, seen and understood, within and as clarity of me, clarity as who I am as I see into me what I became.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blind myself with knowledge and information I get from this world, what has been said to me, what I heard and what I seen, instead of looking into me and see directly what is here within and as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my seeing and clarity of that what I see with my mind, with my desires and my wants, needs as EGO of the mind I became, where I diminished my seeing only on that what EGO wants, what I became, and thus not seeing what Is here, not realizing that only that what is here is real within and as moment of physical expressing itself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish my seeing and my clarity with information and knowledge of this world I got during my life time here, not realizing that any and each word I heard carried emotional/feeling charge of energy ones spoken and thus I copied this emotions/feelings into me and defined my vocabulary, my speech, my voice tonalities, the words I am expressing with emotional charge copied from others and not seeing myself within this, losing myself through coping the words and emotions from others and not expressing myself as the words as who I am within and as moment of my and as  breath here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 52 : Anxiety – EGO dictate

                As a young boy, I had some “eating disorders”, in meaning, that I experienced pressure in my stomach, I do not liked to eat, and meal came to me sometimes hard to eat, because of this experience, as I do not understood why I experience this, what it is I experience, it was pain, pressure, all in stomach region.

                I was in constant anxiety and fear, why?

Once I sat at home, looking into a plate with soup, and just thought came up to my mind – Why the fuck I have to eat again? Why everything is repeating? Why everything goes over and over and over?

                Why I experience the same stuff again? Why everything in our family is always the same? I feared my father, I feared to be at home, I was anxious when I was at home, dictate of my father, rules and strict going according rules, eating what was on schedule, I was never allowed to eat what I wanted, I was pissed off to be at home.

                I do not liked to be at home, I do not liked dictate of my father, I do not liked to go according rules and schema what and when I should eat, what I was allowed to eat and what not, fucking retarded dictatorship. I feared to remain home, I had to submit to every bullshit around what others wanted, but what I wanted no one cares.

                What I experienced no one cares, how I see the things, my questions, no one cared, I was just a child and thus I could shut up and follow.

                I liked to be outside, to play there, where no one dictated me how I can play and with what, where I should go and so, I liked to be alone, I liked to simply be alone where I could enjoy what I wanted without any demands, rules, restrictions, outside was my world I liked, at home was world for me like horror.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive and judge word home as negative and exist within and as mind judgment of word home in separation from me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to be at home and experience anxiety and fear while being at home, where I had to submit into rules of family, schema of functioning of family and demands, orders and restrictions applied within family.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive and judge my family while living as a child within family as a place where I fall, where I can’t express myself, where I can’t live, as a place where I can’t stay and thus perceive home, family, people within family as negative and rather run away from home and enjoy being outside and exist within and as polarity as negative/to be at home and positive/to be outside.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel insecure, anxious and fearful while I lived within and as family member, where I had to submit into a rules of family, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge family members that they do not allow to me to live, that they do not allow to myself to express myself and speak, instead of realizing that it is me who have to allow myself to live, to speak, and express myself thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in constant fear of expressing myself, of speaking myself, of enjoying myself at whatever place I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not like to be around family members and around my parents, where I separated myself from them and create within me as me the negative energy charge towards them according my perception, judgments, the forced submission and applied restrictions on me, where I rather run away from home and create within me likeness and positive energy charge towards outside environment and thus enjoying rather be alone with me where I could live and enjoy myself, and thus exist within and as polarity of the mind as be at home / negative and be outside as positive.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I am at home thus I have to submit to restrictions and rules of family and thus think and believe that I can do at home only a certain things and repeat them over and over again and thus create within me anxiety, boredom, fear and insecurity of being at home and look upon of being outside, imagine of being outside, desiring to live outside and go out, where I could be alone without any rules around me, where I could move how I wanted and go where I wanted, with no one around to dictate me what I should do, how I should do and when I should do or what to speak, or even communicate, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness to be alone and be alone with me with no one around and fear anxious within inside environment where I defined myself into and as energy experience as anxiety, fear and insecurity as my EGO, and thus from this wanted to experience the other polarity of this as enjoyment, freedom, doing what I want not seeing and realizing that all of this is just polarity play out of the energy movements within and as me, where I defined myself as EGO as anxiety, insecurity and fear and thus desire to experience joy and loneliness not seeing and not realizing that all of this is of the mind, and I am not the mind thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind design of positive/negative instead of living me, expressing my, voice me, in and as breath here, within and as my body, equal to my body as flesh, equal to my environment here.

Thanks, Juraj