What I see

             I see a lot of work which is in front of me, this is placed in time line and previously, I wanted to skip some steps, not possible. Each one must to go one by one, precisely.  I see only one way and other ways are not possible. I cannot skip what needs to be done as first, as if I would so step ahead will be not stable - Stability, consistency.
 

I see my past, what I’ve done, it is what it is. It is done. It is no more here, just memories and those memories are not real, even if I speak, each one understand differently, each one see it from his/hers own perspective. Because they miss the fact, that everything they experience, they create and it has nothing to do what is outside of them.

Except of those which are walking their process, they understand and they see, they look into themselves and they see how they created and what they created.

So I am alone. I am not lonely. I am alone as I am here, but this is not feeling of loneliness. I am fine with me, I am okey with me, I like me and I love me.

I do not experience desire to be loved, as I love myself,  therefore the illusion of necessity to be loved by someone else outside of me is gone. It is like, what I have been searching outside of me, I found in me, I found myself. I am with me, within me. I value myself and I see my worth within me, I am not more or less.

I do not search anymore.

I do not close my eyes in front of my world, I do not close my eyes in front of world I see.

What I see is what needs to be fixed. I see the world full of liars, hiders, abusers, killers, rapists, stealers, I could continue. I am not saying this as judgment of what I see, as it is not bad or good, it is what it is. I am responsible for this creation.

And because of what is the world as it is? Because of illusion of self experience in regards of energy which moves within each human body.  Because what humans experience, they believe they experience themselves, but it is not. It is just self definition to specific energy movement, energy creation through act of thinking and participating on.

Isn’t it strange, to live self definition? I used to do it also. For example:

To see something or someone, compare and from that comparison create judgment of myself bad/good. From that judgment, create justifications and excuses why I act the way I act, or why I think what I think. From that acting create self delusion and self guilt, anger, sorrow, love, misinterpretation. Because of that, and not able to handle it, so I suppressed and let it be suppressed and pretend I am ok and smile with others on the same bullshits in never ending circles of self deception.

Because of what? Because of believed experience of myself towards energy movement within me, without any understanding that it is me who creates this energy. And so I created some energy movement, that movement defined as love/sadness/loneliness/anger/fear etc, and from that definition I created my self experience towards it and believed that I experience myself because of some outside stimuli, but without complete forgotten fact, that it is me who created all of this, and nothing of this was real.

Can be something more ridiculous as this? How come that we are completely deluding ourselves, in believes and ideas, it is vast.

Try it for yourself – stop energy within you, and you will see.

Thanks, Juraj

Break the limitation

               
                I have been invited to attend the team building party, immediately I refused as lot of points emerged, the most prominent the resistance to go there.

                I looked on excuses which I can possibly use why not attend, then tiredness I experienced, then feelings/emotions, I connected to that and then on resistance I experienced towards such event, mostly because I knew people will drink alcohol.

                I sat comfortable on the chair and only me breathing, I cleared my mind and stopped everything, just me breathing, I let my body moves, tension in neck has been released and all resistances I had, simply has gone and I decided to go there no matter what could possibly emerge during event. And no matter what the mind is showing me. Even tiredness I experienced simply was not here and I was like after very refreshing resting, and it took only few minutes.

                When I came to event, there was nothing within me and I started to enjoy it, speaking with the people, and I wanted to dance and I even did for a moment without music, lol, it was not dancing place, just like pub where people meet and drink.

                I didn’t drink alcohol as this drug is saying nothing to me, and it was interesting to look on people, how their behavior change, their speech and how they change their voices, and what type of mind games started to take place. They even did not notice.

                I enjoyed myself and mostly the point, I pushed myself and broke one of my limitation.

Thanks, Juraj

               

The choice

                I believed that I choose what I want to experience and what I want to live. I believed that it is me who decides. It was not so. It was decided before I did, through my submission to the mind.

                As I looked on my past, believes I lived, ideas and perceptions, judgments I threw on others, it is clear it was not me who was the direction. The mind was. Each component of the mind I allowed, therefore I submitted and I didn’t lived and expressed myself, but just the illusions of the mind.

                If there is a desire, which directs, I am less than the desire, if there is a thought which directs, I am less than a thought, because, to be directed by something which is just an illusion, mean total submission to the mind, inferiority. Mind is the master, mind was the master of myself.

                This changed, as I changed, still I see what I walked and what I will. Now I enjoy that I do not go into reactions, into judgments, I enjoy how I slowed down and clarity I experience. I enjoy myself in the moments I am here.

                It is so cool to not have reactions on my environment within me, do not react on what people speak, just only direct what I face in very moment and thus direct myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Question the angel

                As a child I trusted my parents, they believed that somewhere out there are angels. They said to me, that I have to pray to the angel and that angel will protect me.

                So I learned how to speak the “ prayer “ to the angel, and I prayed each evening how they showed me. Day by day, on my knees saying the same prayer to the angel, asking him for protection, protection of my soul.

                I was not aware that my parents lied to me, I was not aware that what they believe is not real. So I repeated, anyway, I had no another option as to follow the guidelines of my parents, I was inferior to them as each child is, quite sad how parents are teaching their children to believe in mind fucks.

                That’s fine, parents do not realize what they are doing and why they are doing, they do not see beyond their believes, they never question, they trust that what they do is the best for their children. But that’s not so, they have no idea what is best for the children, they are just showing to the child how they are fucked. And child copy, and I copied. They were my “ gods “ that time.

                And, the angel never came, no matter how much I would pray, no matter how hard I would believe, no matter how long child is on the knees, because, the angel, is just only illusion.

                The angel and idea of angels is pure delusion, mind fuck.

Thanks, Juraj

Patience

                I never had patience, things I could not get immediately I lost interest in them, I considered them boring, not interesting, nothing.

                I wanted things now, money now, sex now, fulfill my desires now, if run away from my responsibilities so now, there was no patience within me.

                As this all is diminishing and becoming nonexistent within me, here I see.

                Now is of the mind, now is not real.

                To have no patience means to be in rush for something, in rush for energy, in rush for something which seems to be separate, which seems to be not here.

                I am not in rush anymore.

Thanks, Juraj

Absolute stand

                I had a long chats with different people, going through various ages and various positions, we talked about many points, sexuality, money system, desires, believes, behavior of people, interesting thing I noticed, then when I talked about points related to sexuality I become excited not by pictures of projections or fantasies as I can stop them and not allow myself to go into fantasies, but excited by the words by itself.

                This means that I defined myself towards these words and from them create the excitement, which I can handle and not escalate it and this is related to sexual experiences form my past which has been based on energy.

                Another interesting point is, that a lot of people see how this system is wrongly set up, and simply how much abuse is here, how much deception, etc, but they have simply fear to stand up and not follow and not to conform the society.

                Lot of people see how our money system is completely wrong, but all of them say the same, you cannot change it. Yes, I can’t change it, group can change it, individual can change himself and group can change the system we live in.

                In those chats I hurt my hand as I didn’t noticed pressure with my hand I placed on laptop, and the pain I experienced was great and still I can feel it, but this shows that when I am to much involved in something I can hurt myself without noticing it, where also mind is in search for some excitement, something which could possibly generate the energy.

                Interesting point is, that when I do not experience anything related to feelings or excitement, within me is something through which I would possibly manipulate myself for generating the energy based on words which could give me the same false sense of “ living “.

                This just means, that I am able to stand up, but I have to stand up absolutely.

Thanks, Juraj

               

               

Rejection as foundation for backchat

                There was a different kind of experiences in my life, when I have been rejected by different type of people, going through friends, girl-friends, family members, co-workers.

                Mostly I was not aware the reason why, as my investigation why started in my mind, as back chats where I found possible reason and took it as the answer why.

                In lots of cases I just let it be and didn’t care, in some cases where I involved my desires or expectations back chat has been much more extensive.

                So instead of investigation directly with the person, I investigated in my back-chat. Nice fuck up.

Thanks, Juraj

Claws of the competition

                I took in-lines and went this year first time to have some fun outside. After the pause of not skating it was not so natural to move on in-lines, but after few moments I get into my mood and moved to long road made for in-liners.

                I started to push and move faster and faster, as before I liked, but after some period I started to be out of breath, then I realized, fuck I am not here to compete with anybody, it is just road and me one this road and without breath I cannot move so I slowed down.

                I noticed in my mind, that I focus on my finish and it seems to be too far to reach it, so I stopped to look on something which is so far, and started to look on my next movement, my next breath.

                I let faster people go and slowed down, stick to breath and my movement started to be constant without slowing down and without acceleration.

                I realized that I moved before according competition drive, where I looked on other folks as competitors and I had to be faster, lol.

                When I went to my finish, I enjoyed the resting, sun, music, children playing, cool moments I spent there and I decided to return back.

                As I started to move, I saw a girl in front of me and I realized that hers movement is much more effective than mine, so I changed my movement immediately and in few moments it became natural, and I started to enjoy skating much more.

                I saw that my skating before have been created according aggression and competition like ice-hockey players move, when I was returning home, I was like figure skater, just flowing and moving in calm manner in my own pace.

Thanks, Juraj

Words as a flow

                I had a quite long talk with one girl recently, we spoke about lot of points, and I enjoyed it extensively.

                First time in my life, I have been sharing with someone my past, my experiences, everything I spoke I said without resistance, guilt, or fear. I liked the moments I expressed myself, without any attachment of emotional turmoil, which was so cool.

                I even do not allowed any thought, any projection, as I did sometimes before types like, “ what he/she will think about that or that, should I spoke about it, can I tell this? , etc etc”

                Nothing, just me speaking about the points, it is cool, when no bullshits are involved in conversation. There was no manipulation, desires, or backchat, no believes, no ideas, it was cool.

                I enjoyed myself in that conversation, it was like just free flow. Flow of the words.

Thanks, Juraj

Inequality as foundation for backchat

                 I had quite “ sad “ realization, that my back chat has been created and founded by inequality where I placed myself as more as other living forms.

                The thought, that I can kill and not let live other forms, the position of ego, the superiority as human. That I can kill because I am human, not for purpose as to sustain my body, but to kill because I can.

                Everywhere is human placed as the top of living forms, you can see it daily, where humans are presented as the top of living species, and I did this within me.

                I placed myself as more than others, my backchat showed me.

Thanks, Juraj

What is fuck up?

My last two days, are the most silent days in my life.

Not arguing within me, not fighting, I am calm and focusing on my breath became more natural, even hard to describe, calmness I experience is amazing.

I experienced yesterday bursts of projections within me, like creating speeches, talking, projected to the future, I focused on physical, what is real, on my breath, in few moments I stopped it and remained calm and silent.

I do what I have to do, I speak and I direct what I speak, sounds around me, people, world, I interact but I do not interact with my mind.

Yet still thoughts came up, slowly and I let them go. I will have to stop them before they pop up.

Nothing is disturbing me, I do not experience reactions towards my environment as I am stable, it is interesting experience.

Physical around is great support, breath is great support, to stop what needs to be stopped, and to remain here and not to jump into mind.

Only what is here is real, everything else is fuck up.

Thanks, Juraj

Who is - Direction

I believed that some forces exists, as separated from me, like force of the fire, earth, water, wind, as elements of the earth, where the cartoons was foundation of this, the presentation of elements united an thus hero created to fight against elements of evil, where of course humans was always involved. I liked that idea. I liked idea to fight against humans.

I believed that forces as good and evil exists, I called that as powers of good and powers of darkness, in the times when I gave up religion, the idea of god.

I substituted the god of religions with my own explanations, as I didn’t wanted to serve anymore to the god which punish as religions are presenting, living in sin, etc, all that bullshits I was sick of it.

But there was still believe that something separated from me could have some kind of influence, and thus I prayed in my mind to those forces and especially when I wanted to win, I called the forces to intervene, lol, and amazing fuck up.

As I am writing this, I have to laugh on myself, how I have been deluding myself with amazing bullshits.

No such forces exist, no such believes anymore.

I am responsible for everything, and there is nothing out there which could be responsible or which could intervene, it is only me.

Only I can stand up.

I am direction. It is me who direct, not believes.

Thanks, Juraj

The competition – Win or die

I liked to win. I had to win. For all costs, no matter how high price was.

When I used to play games, simply I had to win, otherwise I should not go sleep unless I won.  In those games which I could not practice sufficient amount of time I cheated, I liked to use cheats, especially in those types of games where opponents were real people.

I used to involve emotions towards the games, I took it too seriously, I was not able to just say to myself It is only a game, come on.

I was addicted, I had to play to fulfill the ego of the mind, the ego of me.

As time passed I realized that each game it is still the same, no matter how it looks, principle is same where real opponents are involved.

 I loved to play as individual ego maniac where I had to have the best stats of the bests, I was breaking my records, and everything in my life has been submitted to this, that time.

I loved to play as polarity or ego, where I died for winning of the team, no matter how much times I sacrificed myself, when I saw that we will win I didn’t hesitated. I loved it.

Nothing was real.

After few years, I stop to involve emotions to the games, and started to be calm during playing, enjoying it with understanding that it is just a game, nothing else, type of games I played changed, my attitude changed, till finally I changed.

Hundreds and hundreds rounds I had to play, to finally realize, it is only a game.

Thanks, Juraj

Imagination – The way how to escape failed.

                I used to imagine in my life plenty of things, I liked to imagine how it could be to win a lot of money and use it to change something in this world or build something, or use it for support of myself or others, I liked to imagine how it could be to explore the universe, the stars and the planets, to meet different life forms and know them. I liked to see myself as the best in the games, in the sports, I liked to see myself as the best one of the bests, king of the kings.

                I never wanted to save someone, as I never understood why someone should be saved from something, and I never liked the idea of savior which religion for example presents. I am not savior of anyone, and I am not savior of myself, I do not need to be saved, how can I be saved from myself?

                I can’t be saved from my creation, I can’t escape, and why I should escape? I do not need to run away from me, as I am here I have to face myself, I have to face me, why to fear me?

                That’s so ridiculous to fear me, to create an illusion of fear of who I am. More simple is just to face what I created and direct myself and that’s it. No rocket since in it, just common sense.

I liked to imagine myself with women, to explore everything what I could in sexuality, this was my investigation for some years, but by paradox, energy based, so I just find out how I deceived myself with that energy, but that’s cool, now I can see it within me.

When I was in troubles, I liked imagination of dark tunnel between the walls where I could move into different world which I created and I was there, I was in my world and I enjoyed my creation, there was nothing which could disturb me, I was alone there. Only me, there was my world, plants, trees, water, the earth but not people, I never had people in my world.

I never allowed other people to be in my world. I was alone all the time.

Now I have to tell, all was just an illusion I created in my mind, nothing real, nothing substantial, just imagination, flashing pictures – illusionary world where I separated myself from others, do not exist anymore.

I am here, and I do not have to imagine anything, I am fine with me alone and I am fine with people around me, through them I explore myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Ego as mind - Breath as life

                I was wrong in my life many times, and wanted to be right. Wanted to win and prove to myself that I am right, that what I do, speak, in what I participate is me and that I am right.

                This was not me, this was living and walking my Ego, where the mind defend itself, own position within the system through various aspects, mostly linked to backchat which is silent but I heard it.

                The arguing, the fight, the statements, many times I heard and many times I followed and I allowed to myself be blinded and not to see what is here. Any thought which I allowed, had consequences in my life. I thought before that thoughts do not have effect, that I can thought what I wish to and dream what I want to dream, etc, I trapped myself, by my own thoughts into living something which is not me.

                Each one thought has consequences, each one is illusion, and each one thought is not of life. Interestingly, ego plays mayor role in it, when I thought and believed that I am that what is trying to defend the position within me, I believed that ego is me, it is not.

                I tried during the conversation to do not allow any thought which could trigger my backchat, interestingly this was cool as I was able to see how much times I trapped myself into backchating within me, arguing, ach, and for what? For my ego, which is not real, because if I do not allow it, it do not exist, any speech within is simple not real.

                It is so simple, anything which pops up in the mind, simply is not real. And has nothing to do with reality.

                The breathing is assisting amazingly, to stop and let go, to walk what needs to be walked, now I see, that each time I am not aware of my breath so that each very moment I am illusion and not real.

                This is process to walk to be breath as expression of life, stable and clear without anything which could deceive, delude, and compromise.

                The breath is stability, the breath is clarity, the breath is real, the breath allows seeing and the breath allows living.

                Be the breath, be the life. Walk the process of breath as life.

Thanks, Juraj

Jealousness - Eye of snake

                My day is fast, moment by moment passing and I experienced today some moments I missed, I experienced some as I could not recall when I was doing some steps, I had to bring myself back and look backwards to stick to time, to figure out. I was in mind.

                I experienced jealousness today, just for a moment, one picture I looked on and I had reaction towards, as I realized that I never will look like picture I saw. This is interesting because I do not want to look like fake presentation of someone anymore.

                I do not need to prove my look to anyone or to fit to any idea how I should look and how others should perceive me, therefore I do not need any comparison with anybody and I do not require any idea about myself how I should look, reaction towards a picture, interesting.

                I was jealous because of thought I allowed, that women will never see me like those picture which fit into idea of man looking great, from my perspective.

                I let it go, it is not real anymore.

Thanks, Juraj

If breath is missing

I was with a girl, she provoked me sexually, with her body movements, behavior, attitude, touches, no words included just movement.

We was both dressed in dark red pajamas, looked more like togas. She moved to me, she turned with her back and came close to me, body on body, I touched her, she has hair, curly, my fingers moving and touching her head from behind, so gently. Moving down to her body, she pressed her ass toward my penis and I noticed I am excited, about that touch, I knew where this is heading and I didn’t want to.

As she continued I could not stop, wanted to focus on my breath, wanted to breathe, then I realized this is and illusion, I could not breathe. I could not stop it.

I realized it is a dream, fiction of my mind, and I woke up.

Interestingly, if breath is missing, all is illusion.

Thanks, Juraj

Backchat and ego

                I realized yesterday that my backchat is linked to my ego, in those situations where it looks that what I said or did is apparently right or correct and someone is arguing, or when I allow some thought about other person – what that person did, do, will do in relation to his/hers personality, what he/she will think or is thinking, and when judgment is involved so this triggers my backchat where I want to defend my position in relation to win/lose polarity.

                This is cool how this works, interestingly, one thought is enough to trigger flow of consequential flow of ego construct.

                Ego wants always win, if there is not satisfaction of winning so this could continue with creation of emotions as anger, fear, etc towards the subject/object of losing.

                  At the beginning, there is always thought, the easiest way how to stop what one do not want to create, is stop the thought, if thought is missing, therefore nothing could be triggered.

Thanks, Juraj

Self sabotage and no return

Today morning I woke up quiet easily after 4 hour of sleeping, cool and I looked on financial markets. I placed some orders, made some trades, then on the market the execution of my orders has been completed with some delays and especially my stop orders has been ignored by system and It cause loss.

Whatever, no system is perfect, so I wrote to broker if there is some solution to fix this and pay me the money back. I wonder if broker will be willing to pay me those money back. But after that, as I faced this, I started on markets sabotage myself, the execution of orders, stop losses, simply I violated all my rules, this would not be problem because some rules can be shaped or moved, but problem was, that what I did was simply clear self sabotaging.

I realized this after that happened, because this self sabotage is linked to an excuse that when I have no money, I can’t buy that or that and participate in that or in that, so this self sabotaging has been leading to completing the excuse, why I cannot do something. Simply, to not have money is cool excuse, but perfect fuck up, lol.

Anyway, my loss is not something tragic and I divided the money so this loss is not affecting me in anyway. I can pay everything what I have to pay, and this is cool because I used to trade with the money I could not offer to lose and from that create lot of not necessary mess.

At the evening, I went to shop with electronics to buy camera, to push me to make vlogs also, as I had one perfect excuse why I have no camera but as I described above this excuse is gone now. When I spoke with salesman, the thought in my mind came up “ Fuck I will have to make vlogs and expose everything face to face, ” – like trying to manipulate creation of fear within me to push myself, lol, I noticed it but this is interesting how mind is scared to expose bullshits inside. I want to push myself and will push and will not give up. I have no fear anymore in exposing myself, as it is cool self support and after blogging each day I can see, how fears are gone.

Interesting was, that after those trades, I had some moments like helplessness and thoughts of giving up, but this is so irrational, if all will give up after few mistakes then no change would be possible. 

I realized, that I can’t give up, there is no way back. Way back is closed already.

Thanks, Juraj

Slowing down

Today, I am like attacked, anxiety within me which goes like in waves, nervousness, stress,  this is related to money, pain in back, burning face, symptoms like some illness is coming but I will not be ill.

I focus on breath to stop it all, because, I am okey, signals from my body like I am going to collapse but I will not. This is strange experience, it looks like everything is mixing together. Interestingly, I am okay, lol I was today to check how much fees I need to pay, lol, I was little bit surprised that this goes back to 1999. Anyway I have to laugh on my ignorance now, yes I am not going to ignore those fees and I will pay it all, already made phone calls to law offices, I was immensely ignorant.

Hm, to postpone some unsolved issue for 12 years, sometimes I wonder how come I was so  ignorant. Anyway, will sort it all out and maybe in the end of the year everything will be clear.

It looks like I am today trying to solve many things at once.

I have to slow down, I can’t solve all at once, I have to let flow some space and time.

This pain I am experiencing, it is not pain in meaning that I do not like it, it is my reminder where I am.

Today I had tendency to go to casino, in my mind, like, nothing will happen, just put there only few money, just only few. Lol, nice trick of the mind, but I know these tricks. I let it go, it would be wasted money, and I need to solve mess I created and not to fall into it again.

Thanks, Juraj

The origin of idea

I woke up today morning, but I stayed in the bed breathing, the dream started in my mind and I decided not to interact with anything, just to let it flow and see what happens. I was aware that it is a dream, I knew I can direct the flow of dream but wanted to let it flow.

                The girl has been sitting on my legs, I noticed that I am excited, interestingly not by her, not by any picture, we were both dressed. I was excited by the idea that she likes me, that she wants me, that she wants to touch me. This idea was so strong, that in the moment she unexpectedly touched my penis, the semen poured out, I felt nothing just only pouring the liquid out of my body and constrictions of the muscles which makes this possible. This in the dream.

               

                I realized, when I woke up, how my ideas shape reality around me, my perception is just only mine and have nothing to do with actual reality around me, if I allow any ideas, any believes, I am in the mind locked in self created reality. Then I walked backwards searching when I allowed this idea to influence me, when I created this and when I allowed it.

                I was walking in the office, looked on right side and there was sitting girl in front of computer, she looked on me and smiled, I smiled on her and continued walking towards my place. Here was the moment I allowed the idea of her, that she smiled on me because she probably liked me, this is fuck up.

The reason why she smiled could be anything, people used to smile because many variable reason, starting with fear, desires, manipulations, hiding, etc, so If I allow just only one point why others do something, I fucked up with me, because, literally, I never know why others do something, what is behind their smiles, their actions.

I have to be clear and stable each moment I am here, without any allowance of ideas nor creation of them within me, because otherwise, I will fuck up with me.

Thanks, Juraj

It is easy…

I has been sitting nearby bus stop, waiting on my number.          

Into my view walked one woman, her steps, her movement comes to my completely robotic, in second she stumbled and fall at the ground, directly on knees just she was able to move her hands in front of her to not fall onto face.

I was still looking on her directly, nothing moved within me, it was just not expected, she stood up, revamped her trousers, it was obvious she is okey, than she moved and walked in her direction away.

After that through my mind went thought, if I should helped her to stand up, but then I realized, how easy it is. If I fall, it is exactly the same, only thing which can be done, to stand up.

No judgment, nothing, if fall happens, ok, just stand up, it is easy, and within that, I realized, that each one have to stand up for themselves, that means I have to stand up for myself and no one can do it for me, it is only on me.

Thanks, Juraj

Desire to see makes me blinded

                Yesterday, as I posted my blog, I was still curious what it is I am looking on and trying to find out, but as I searched within me simply I found nothing.

                At the very evening, I looked on Marlen’s reply on my post, and this assisted me, as than I was able to see for myself what I created within me, in few minutes I experienced how the feeling of tiredness gone, it was not existed, and then when I read her post again I had to laugh on myself.

                The not necessary game I played with me was like following – I looked into a box and there was nothing, but me believing that there should be something, so I looked again. Hm, than I was curious how came that there is nothing as I believed that something should be there. So I looked again, and again, but still nothing so I created frustration within me that what the fuck I can’t see something, so instead of trusting myself I placed trust in believe. Lol what a fuck up. Heh.

                My frustration gone with feeling of tiredness, as I realized thanks to Marlen’s suggestion, that when “If it's not 'here' then let it go”.

                In the very moment if nothing is here so it is nothing, simple.

                The importance I placed to some pictures witch I could not put together and see directly, lol yes I deluded myself with this.

                And it was desire to find out and see and not looking on what Is here, I blinded myself with this desire, so it means that each one desire I allow and accept thus through that believe I will blind myself.

                I let go this desires, just look on what is here.

“If there is nothing at the moment, then cool we simply let it go until it becomes relevant for some reason again - this way we don't go creating new personalities or points to occupy the mind with, but go walking what's here, what presents itself, what comes up in any given moment.” - Marlen

Thanks, Juraj

Miner

I am feeling tiredness but I am not tired. It is like to want to lie down and just rest, do nothing and just only breathe. It is more like wanting to let everything go and participate in nothing. Do nothing, think nothing, feel nothing, speak nothing, just only be.

It is like hidden desire to escape from everything and everyone and just be alone. Alone with no one around, no one to speak, just only be.

It is like I have to even push myself to speak or write, and mostly when I am writing I do not know what I want to write about. Sometimes I had thoughts that what I will write about, but I let it go, I write in this moment what I write.

Hidden desires, I am curious what is hidden and now I can’t see, as I had dream I can only hardly remember but it was something I was not aware of, it relates to something which is very deeply suppressed within me, fragments of pictures witch says nothing to me but are very important, I know it.

Self acceptance, have to investigate this have to research and find out, yet I am sometimes frustrated from this constant searching within me and not finding answers as it looks to me like playing the game with myself. Like I am playing the game with me, and I am bored of this game.

I suppressed the things within me I wanted to not look on, lot of layers are there and I would like to see directly to the core, but I was “wise” enough in past to hide this core sufficiently to be not able find out so easily, lol.

Anyway, will dig and dig and dig, lol like miner, so I’ll be a miner to see what is in that core of myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Just flow

I noticed, that over time, I put more value towards the folks – Destonians. It is like, you all mean to me more than other “ordinary” folks.

I noticed, that I have within me some fears, especially about Bernard and Sunette, but this type of fear is like, what if they see in me some great shit which I am not aware of and I will collapse. Lol. Or be scared, or ashamed, or something like this, various type of shadow thoughts which sometimes pop-up in me.

Also, because, I see that sometimes when I hear Bernard’s videos, or made by Sunette, that they know more about me than me, and I even never met them of spoke with them.

And from this, I am sometimes like ashamed that how come I didn’t saw this in me, that this is part of me, yes, because in my life I use to investigate the world outside, and not the world inside.

Yet I tried to find the words for that what is within me, but lot of times without success or I named it incorrectly.

And now for me it is like completely changing my vocabulary, as desteni language is clear, and sometimes when I speak with folks which are not involved in desteni, I notice that they do not understand me, because what I speak destonian will see but they not. So this is sometimes for me hard to explain the things in “old” language.

Sometimes, when I hear voice of Bernard, and the things he explain, I can see clearly how the burst of thoughts arise, it is not like 2 years ago, but still some come out, slower like before, like floating within me, some of them I catch and then let go. Sometimes I do not like what Bernard is speaking, because it is clear what he says I am falling in that, sometimes I have no reaction to his words, mostly no, but still there is something within me, which make me react, it is variable.

I am much more stable than 2 years before, as I can say, that time I was like in constant emotional turmoil, now it is very different. I was hidden, now I am able to open up and share myself without anything secret inside, of without any hidden intentions.

I like myself and I am able to enjoy the moments I am here, yet lot of work is ahead.

Thanks, Juraj